Aces Recruit Darwin

Ex or Blue, sir?

In a surprise move this past week, local hockey team the Black Aces of Aubreytown have signed former IKEA monkey and parking lot fugitive Darwin the macaque to a one year deal.

Sources close to the Aces say that the deal involves no cash, but does include unlimited bananas and a new custom-tailored shearling jacket for the tiny simian. In return, Darwin will live with the player responsible for providing the post-game refreshments each week and will in be charge of handing out the drinks after the game.

Darwin currently resides at the Story Book Farm Primate Sanctuary, where he has been reportedly training hard for his new role with the Aces. Black Aces head of player development Rich W is said to be excited about the new addition to the team. "He can't skate and he's only 18 inches tall, but I'm tired of having to reach for a beer after each and every game. Darwin will make an immediate contribution in this area."

Rich is also rumoured to be scouting several other new recruits for the team, including Mickey the Marmoset (great hands around the net), Rosie the Lemur (PK specialist) and a baboon named Pierre (enforcer, known for flinging his own feces into the opposing team's bench).

In non-monkey news, the Aces dominated the Warriors in their most recent COTHL game, handing the white shirts a 6-1 spanking. Guest goalkeeper Aubrey the Brave put the Warriors at ease early, allowing them to score on their first shot of the game, but shut the door after that until the Aces finally decided to get in the game. Another 4 goal game for Mark means that the elusive team jersey is one step closer to reality, with singles added by Paul and Rich putting the final touches on what turned out to be a pretty one-sided affair.

Late game this week. Rich has the monkey.

Black Aces Pick Up a Win on Black Wednesday

For most people Black Friday may be a good day to pick up a deal on some pre-obsolete electronics, but for local hockey team The Black Aces Featuring Aubrey S, wednesdays are a great day to pick up 2 more points in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League.

In fact they've been doing that so often lately that there is a petition going around the internets to have wednesdays renamed Black Wednesday.

Last Black Wednesday was no exception, as Aubrey's Black Aces rolled to a convincing 7-2 win over the Wyse Guys, whose wednesday turned out to be very black indeed. The Black Aces + A Man Named Aubrey even spread the scoring around this time, rather than relying on sniper Mark L to provide all the offence. Mark still bagged a pair, but singles went to Al, Ralph, Paul, Rod and your humble narrator with a rare point shot.

To celebrate the win, everyone on the Black Aces HC, Brought to You by Aubrey was presented with a 1,000,000 Rupee gift certificate* to spend on Black Friday by team benefactor and spiritual guide Joe Himalaya. Thanks Joe!

* valid between 2 and 4 pm on November 29 at Uncle Harminder's Most Excellent Spices and Western Jeans Emporium, 4/38 W.E.A. Krishna Market, Saraswati Marg, Karol Bagh, New Delhi, India.

Black Friday hopefuls on their way to the sales

In the spirit of Black Friday and the looming Christmas Shopping Season, The Black Aces of Aubrey are offering all other teams in the COTHL a complimentary ass-kicking, valid any wednesday night between now and the playoffs.

Jon Bon Jovi Wants to Buy the Aces and Move Them to Buffalo

I'm turning into John fucking Cougar

Sources close to this reporter have confirmed that New Jersey 'rocker' and entrepreneur is close to a deal that would have him become majority owner of local hockey team the Black Aces. Bon Jovi is also trying to ink a deal to purchase the Buffalo Bills NFL franchise and move it to Toronto, a move that has upset some Bills' fans in the Queen City.

The deal for the Aces may be designed to offset the loss of the Bills to a city already reeling from high unemployment, too much snow, and the continued presence of the Buffalo Sabres. Aces' president and expert towel-folder Aubrey S is refusing to disclose the amount of the offer from Mr. Bon Jovi, but inside sources (actually team sponsor Joe P) say it's in the high 3 figures.

Some Aces have already made plans for the money, saying it should go toward providing after-game beers with names that are easier to pronounce, and, as team defender and film critic Simon C put it, "not from Czechoslofuckingvakia or something. Can't we just get back to good honest one-syllable Canadian beer? Come on, let's have some Ex, Blue, Bud, or Keiths. Last game someone asked me if I wanted a Tmavý Vánoční. I thought he was offering me a Russian hand job so I punched him in the face. I'm a married man."

The rumours surrounding the club don't seem to be affecting anyone's performance. A fast paced game against the Battlers on November 20 saw the Aces nearly edge past the blue shirts but for a late tying goal. Winger and team ferret walker Ralph R did his best Steven Stamkos impersonation, burying an off-wing shot from in close, and team ventriloquist and newcomer Mark L (almost finished probation, buddy, just a couple more multi-goal games and you get a sweater) bagged another pair to round out the scoring. The game ended in a 3-3 tie, which should be enough to keep the Aces on top of the COTHL for another week.

Special note to any alumni still reading this blog: return your sweater! If you still have an official Aces jersey and you're not on the team any more... bring it back. You know who you are.

Welcome Aces!

Double Delivery Confuses Aces

Hockey players, never known for their intelligence, are an easily confused species. They are driven by rules and must at all times know where they stand, both on the ice and off. A recent incident involving local COTHL team the Black Aces is an excellent example of how little it takes to confuse and befuddle the average hockey player.

It is customary for one player to provide beer refreshments for the team at each game, with the assignment going to a different player each week. There is no list or complex algorithm to calculate the exact order in which players are responsible for bringing the team cooler full of sweet sweet beer gatorade. No tests of strength or manliness, no game of rock-paper-scissors, no drawing of straws. It's very informal. After each game someone will spontaneously ask "Who's got the beer lemonade for next week?" And after a confused pause, someone will eventually volunteer to bring the cooler and its strictly non-alcoholic contents to the next game.

Sometimes things do go awry. In the worst case scenario the bringer of the beer Kool-aid does not make it to the rink, and the team must endure a 'dry' post-game review of the evening's events. This is very sad, and the non-bringer of the beer popsicles undoubtedly feels a sudden burning rush of guilt mixed with fear as his teammates all envision his grisly yet totally justified death by bear-mauling.

In the second-worst case scenario, too many Aces show up to play and the supply of beer spring water runs out before everyone can slake their thirst. This is also very sad, and the bringer of the beer Perrier must endure the disapproval of his teammates, who all now know that either a) he can't count, or more likely b) he's a cheap cunt skate.

The third-worst scenario happened on November 13, when not one but two Aces brought beer iced tea to the game. You may think this would be a good thing, and that having extra beer soda after the game would be greeted with shouts of joy and high-fives all around. You would be wrong - go back and read the first paragraph, the one about hockey players being easily confused and requiring order at all times.

Instead of providing a boost to the Aces' performance, the thought of all those additional beers smoothies waiting in the dressing room only distracted the team. Pucks were shot wide, passes went astray, and the end result was a 3-1 loss to the Warriors and the end of the longest undefeated streak in team history.

This was very sad, as you can imagine. It was a very sad bunch of Aces hockey players after the game who had to sadly, very sadly, drink the extra beer juiceboxes to ensure that this sort of tragedy never happens again.

Aces Conserve Energy in Latest Win

Aces top line on November 6

In an effort to join the movement to a greener society, local hockey team the Black Aces successfully implemented a new 'low energy' strategy in their latest game. The team managed to extend their winning streak with an efficient 4-2 win over the Wyse Guys, putting out just enough wattage to ensure the victory.

"We're all very concerned about climate change on this team" said team sitar tuner Joe P. after the game "so we do our part to keep our energy expenditures as low as possible."

To the casual eye the Aces no doubt appeared to be coasting through the second and most of the third periods. In actual fact the team was merely keeping their energy output in check in order to not contribute to Canada's notoriously poor greenhouse gas emissions record.

"Knowing what I know about the Oil Sands and climate change, I can't in good conscience ignore my own contributions to our record as a nation" said team aromatherapist Mike K. "I feel guilty whenever I put out more than 1500Kj on a shift. I keep thinking about those poor polar bear cubs, and I have to slow down."

Not a polar bear cub in sight.

It seems however that it is mainly the veteran players on the team that have these selfless concerns for the environment. The newer, younger players have apparently decided to say "fuck you" to Mother Earth and continue to play at a high energy output, effectively damning future generations to a stormy, violent nightmare world where roving gangs of mutants battle one another for supremacy in the crumbling remains of our once great cities.

Mark L, for instance, singlehandedly doomed the 5 remaining specimens of Coates Island Murres with his selfish 3 goal performance.

"Why Mark? Why?"

Paul M, another newcomer, may have scored the winning goal, sure, but also showed blatant disregard for our fragile arctic habitat by burning through at least 5000Kj in the 3rd period alone. Shameful. Sure he may have bicycled to the game with his equipment and everything but that does not make up for his reckless performance on the ice.

The worst offender though had to be goalie and Young Person Kevin T. While the rest of the Aces were treading/skating lightly on the earth, young Kevin continued to blithely burn through untold kilojoules of energy as he turned aside shot after shot in the Aces net. Energy, may I remind you, that can ultimately be traced back to fossil fuel sources.

If this is how the next generation shows concern for the planet, then friends, we are truly doomed as a species.

Next game is wednesday, I have the beer.

Aces Scribe Misses Weekly Blog Post

In an unusual turn of events, local hockey team the Black Aces are without a weekly blog post commemorating their most recent win in the COTHL. In spite of an impressive 9-3 win over the Warriors, there was no mention on the team blog this week.

Team blogger and scribe Jeff McCartney has, however, issued the following apology.

To my beloved Aces team mates, fellow players in the COTHL, followers of this blog and athletes everywhere, I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry I failed to post a blog report of the Aces latest win over the Warriors. If anyone was offended by this omission, I apologize. I'm sorry to Kevin T for not reporting on his excellent play in the Aces net, and I'm sorry to all the Aces players who worked so hard to get the 2 points and who placed their trust in me to post the weekly report. I sincerely, sincerely... sincerely apologize. 

I'm the first one to admit, friends, I'm the first one to admit, I am not perfect. I have made mistakes ... and all I can do right now is apologize for the mistakes

I hope you can forgive me, and I know I have to work hard to regain your trust.

All I can say is that this incident is in the past, and I promise you that hopefully this will never happen again. We must move forward. I'm going to continue to do the job I appointed myself to do, which is write snark-filled blog posts about the team. If at the beginning of next season the team decides they want someone else to take that over, then that's their decision.

God bless the Black Aces and God bless the COTHL. 

Aces training program pays dividends

It's not unusual for pro athletes to maintain a high level of fitness in the off-season. Hockey players, long notorious for their summer regimen of fishing, drinking and golfing, now spend the warm months fishing, drinking, golfing, running, and working out with Gary Roberts.

In an effort to maintain their edge over this past summer, area hockey team and COTHL champs the Black Aces enlisted the services of someone at a slightly lower price point than the renowned Mr. Roberts:

Hi, I'm Vlad.

That's right. Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Little known fact: Vlad takes the summer off from telling Russians what to do and spends his leisure time selflessly helping amateur athletes around the world achieve their potential through his patented exercise program, Vladisthenics.

Here's a typical day of Vladisthenics, as followed by the Aces this past July and August.

0600: wake up, drink 1 oz vodka. Eat 1 bear steak, raw
0630: ten mile run while disassembling and re-assembling Kalashnikov rifle
0800: 1,000 pushups with Lada Niva 1.0L engine on back
0900: ice bath, 30 minutes
0931: restart own heart with jumper cables and battery from Lada Niva
1030: sneak into Toronto Zoo, fight Amir tiger. Naked.
1100: 1 hour rest on bed of barbed wire
1200: lunch - 2 oz vodka, 1 lb uncooked potatoes, 1 lb reindeer meat, antlers on
1300: swimming 1500 meters. Under water
1400: agility training - dancing in Russian style while is beaten with live sturgeon by Vlad
1430: fishing time! Everybody take shirt off and catching the fish!
1600: Russian fight technique. Practice on gypsy children, greenpeace hippies.
1800: dinner -  3 oz vodka, 1 lb moose meat, 1 whole cabbage
1900: weight training with Team USSR 1972.

Rinse, repeat.

"Ted Nugent is pussy"

What have their opponents been doing to prepare for this season? Something a little less intense.

And that, gentle reader, is why the Aces will once again win the COTHL title.

Game report:
Aces 3, Warriors 0. Another outstanding performance from newcomer Mark, who with a 3 goal night has almost secured himself a permanent spot on the club. Another 2 or 3 games like that one and the Aces Elders will be certain to take a closer look at his application for team member status.

Circle of Life Continues in the COTHL

They say time stands still for no man, not even amateur hockey players, and so we find ourselves this year with some new faces on the Aces. Faces attached to younger, better men as the old guard gives way to the new. The Circle of Life continues. 

Step aside, geezers.

Your humble scribe was recently able to arrange an exclusive interview with the 3 newest Aces; Kevin, Mark and Paul. The full interview will be appearing on the Hockey Night in Canada (Punjabi) broadcast this year, but below are some selected excerpts from that interview. 

JM (interviewer) : Hello gentlemen, welcome to the COTHL and to the Black Aces Hockey Club. How are you finding the level of play in the league so far?

Kevin: It’s been fantastic, I’ve really been enjoying myself in every game. It’s amazing that even at such an advanced age there are still guys out there who can play at a high level.

Mark: I agree with Kevin. There was one shift in the last game where I’m pretty sure I felt some sweat soaking through my shirt. Could have been some spilled water, but yeah, let’s go with sweat. 

Paul: It’s so cool that I get to play in this league because there are a few guys that are friends with my dad at work, and he likes it when we beat them. 

JM: Why don’t you tell us a bit about your hockey resume. Where were you playing before joining the Aces?

Paul: mostly in the back yard on the rink my dad built for me and my brother, who is a total poo-head. So I’m really happy to be skating on a full sized rink now. It's wicked.

Kevin: I was in my last year of bantam house league, but there weren’t many junior scouts coming around. I was looking at having to go back to school and finish my grade 9 when I got the call from the Aces. This is way more fun than sitting through English class, you know what I mean?

Mark: I was pretty much just playing NHL14 on my xbox, with the occasional street hockey game on weekends. This is a lot more fun, and the other kids on the team seem really cool. Plus my mom says I need the exercise. Like, whatever.

JM: Kevin, you’ve had some strong games in the net so far.

Kevin: Thanks, dude. I guess it helps that slap shots aren’t allowed and most of the guys in the league are kind of too old to take a decent wrist shot. Our defense is super solid too, so that makes things easier. 

JM: Mark and Paul, you’ve shown some great chemistry out there so far. How do you explain the way you’ve been able to connect with each other so quickly?

Mark: We spend a lot of time online playing World of Warcraft with each other, maybe that’s it?

Paul: Yeah, it’s kind of like we knew each other already. Hey Mark, looks like your mom is here to pick you up.

Mark: Yup, I gotta go. Thanks for the interview, mister! 

Mark, Kevin and Paul. The newest members of the Black Aces

In actual hockey news, the Aces kept their undefeated streak alive last week with a 3-2 win over the Wyse Guys. A tally from Bruce plus 2 more from Mark (one on a cross-ice Hail Mary pass from your humble scribe for the go-ahead goal) put the game away under ice conditions so snowy that the city had to call in the army to clear it all away after the game. Let’s hope the zamboni is off the DL for next week. 

Also, the team would like to welcome back Ralph, who is returning from having carbon fiber and titanium joints implanted into his legs during the offseason. League rules do not forbid this procedure so we're pretty sure he's cleared to play.

Hakuna Matata.

Toronto Mayor Robocalls Aces Opponents

The following is an actual transcript of a "robo-call" placed on behalf of local hockey team the Black Aces by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. 

"The fuck are you lookin at?"

"Hello. This is your mayor, Rob Ford. I just would like to say that if any of you players on the Battlers, Warriors or Wyse Guys are thinking of taking a run at the COTHL cup this year, well, let's just say I wouldn't do that if I were you. 

"You think just because I'm the mayor of this town that I have to spend all my time doing mayor shit? Think again, assholes. I got plenty of downtime now that I decided not to coach football any more, and you know what? I'm with the Aces now. So look the fuck out because those guys are gonna kick your asses again this year.

"Summa you jerkoffs might think that last year was some kind of fluke, that the Aces just put together some lucky wins at the end of the season. Wrong, dumbfucks. All that 'losing a bunch of games in a row' shit was like, totally planned. Just like I planned to get the Feds to cough up all that dough for a Scarborough subway, which is TOTALLY going to happen no matter what the commies on city council think.

"The Aces were playing you for losers last year, and you fell for it. But this year they don't have to because they got me as their coach. So get ready to lose, bitches, cuz - what? I'm just makin' a phonecall, Doug, leave me alone! Naw, I'm jus' callin' someone. Jeez. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, the Aces are going to win EVERY GAME this year with me behind the bench and you lefty bastards had better - what now? No, Doug I don't know where your hash is! Ow! Quit hitting me, I didn't take it! That's it, I'm telling mom you sonofa - ...

"This has been a paid political announcement from the Rob Ford for permanent mayor coalition. God bless Ford Nation."

Players from the non-Aces teams in the COTHL have yet to comment. 

In actual hockey news, the Aces did in fact pull off a win in their most recent game. After jumping out to a 4-1 lead on goals by Rich (2) Mark and Paul (1 each) the blackshirts took their foot off the gas just enough to let the Battlers back in the game. Some timely saves from keeper Kevin kept the game in the win column for the Aces, as they hung for a 4-3 victory and extended their undefeated string. That's now 8 games in a row without a loss, going back to last year.

In Memoriam

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the passing of an era, and the passing of three fine individuals into the ice hockey afterworld. Lo, these many years have Brian, Raj and Paul performed their icely duties with great skill and aplomb. They steadfastly skated up, and occasionally back down the ice, or did their best to keep the puck out of the Black Aces net. For this we are eternally in their debt.

Shhh, shhh. Just let it happen.

We shall miss each of them in their own way.

Raj, for his lively pre-game banter and easygoing attitude.

My wife picked these out

Brian, for his exceptional attendance record and above-average ability to take a hit to the head.

Ready for work!

And especially Paul for his excellent updates on ski conditions around the world.

Go Aces!

Thank you good men, and good luck in your post-Aces endeavours. Raj, with your new responsibilities as a married man and Vishnu willing, father. Brian, as top skater in the friday night "E" division pickup league. Paul, as former owner and sponsor and still, hopefully, faithful contributor to the Aces retirement fund through continued generous payments of the yearly team fee.

In their passing they join previous Aces greats in that Cedarvale-halla in the sky. Barry, Len, Maurice, Bob, Andrew, and that one guy with that thing. You know who I mean.

Peace be with each of you.

In the meantime, however, the Aces carry on in defence of their COTHL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS title. The 2013-2014 season opener saw a back-and-forth battle against the white-shirted Warriors, a battle that ended in a 6-4 tie for the aces.

League rules apparently dictate that teams playing in defence a COTHL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS title have to spot their opponents 2 goals, to be determined at random by the referees. A solid game in goal from newcomer and Raj replacement Kevin was spoiled by a couple of bad bounces, but Brian and Paul replacements Mark and New Paul responded with a pair of goals each.

So, the official league scoresheet will show a 4-4 tie, but the official Aces scoresheet will show a 6-4 pummelling.

A fair start to what should be another epic COTHL season for the Black Aces.

Aces Uber Alles

Congratulations, boys ;)

In a stunning finish to what looked at one point to be a lost season, local hockey team the Black Aces completed a late-season 6-0 run to defeat the Bloor Battlers 2-1 in the COTHL final, taking the championship for the first time since the 2007-2008 season.

The Aces kept the Battlers at bay for most of the game, leading for most of 2 periods on a goal from newcomer Pete S before the Battlers finally managed to break Aces' netminder Raj C's incredible 7 period shutout string.

The game stayed tied until just over a minute to go, when your humble scribe and blog host found himself inexplicably in front of the enemy net with the puck on his stick. Even more inexplicably, he managed to get a shot off that then somehow found the back of the Battlers' net.

The Aces held off a late charge from the Battlers, who had pulled their goalie, and the deal was done. Aces 2, Battlers 1. 

Congratulations, Aces. We are officially the team to beat in 2013-2014.

That's right, bitches. We're number one!

Back row: Jeff M, Pete S, Rod P, Ralph R, Gerry S, Al H, Simon C, Joe D-S

Front row: Bruce H, Rich W, Raj C, Aubrey S, Brian M

Front front row: future star and son of Pete S

Not pictured: Joe P, Paul F, Bob D, Mike K, Ann Wilson, Nancy Wilson

Celebrations and gloating to be held at Ferro's on April 3. Details to follow. Bring your drinking shoes.

Cardinals Meet to Decide Fate of COTHL Playoffs

While news media from around the world focused on the Papal Conclave this past week, another story was also unfolding within the secretive walls of the Vatican.

"Any time you get 114 Cardinals together under the same roof" said Vatican spokesperson Guido 'the Hutt' Hutino "you get them to multitask. It only makes sense."

The Cardinals were able to come to a decision quite quickly on who will become the next Pope, choosing Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina to put on the red shoes this time. With that little matter out of the way, it left them with some extra time clear up some other pressing matters.

"We pre-booked our hotel rooms for 3 weeks." said Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellet after the new pope was sworn in by the traditional paddy-wacks ceremony "And the voting was going great, so I thought we should try to get some other work done while we're here. I lobbied to have the boys weigh in on the outcome of the COTHL playoffs next week and they went for it."

Black, black smoke.

Cardinal Ouellet was reluctant to reveal the outcome of the discussions, saying only that he and the other lads had had a 'real good chat with the man upstairs'. Keen observers will have noted, however, a certain smoky chimney partway through Pope Vote 2013.

"The black smoke was just a little gag we played on the press" said Ouellet, quaffing a pint of Fin du Monde and puffing a Du Maurier after the final announcement. "We had Bergsy picked already so we fired up the holy hot knives while we were yakking about the COTHL. You should have seen the press scramble! Too funny."

The finals will feature the Black Aces against the Bloor Battlers, after the Aces stunned the Warriors 5-0 in their semi-final game on March 6. Goals went to Gerry (2), Rod, Aubrey and Mike. Raj was outstanding once again between the pipes.

Cardinal O. checks the game sheet: 'Holy cow, 5-0 Aces!'

Black Aces to be Featured on Mexican Cable TV

TeleMexico Corporation and the Ministry of Tourism Culture and Sport have announced the addition of an exciting new program to an already hot lineup of television content on Channel 53, el Canal de hombres y más hombres. Spokesman Chi Chi ‘Pepe’ Fernandez explains:

My love for the Aces is this big.

“Many Canadians are coming to Mexico each year for their holidays, and we want them to feel at home when they stay in our fine hotels. Recently there have been unfortunate incidents involving foreign tourists and some bad men with sharp knives. For this we are deeply regretful. To show our concern and also our love for the Canadian tourists  we have decided to add the popular sport of ice hockey to the number one in-hotel tourist television channel in all of Mexico.”

Talks are still under way between the Mexican government and the NHL, so in the meantime the broadcast rights to all COTHL games involving the Black Aces have been purchased, with games to begin immediately with their first playoff game against the Warriors on March 6. 

“The Aces, they are so black and so misterioso, so macho, they have a great appeal to the Mexican people and also to the Canadian tourist. The most recent game they have played was magnífico - a 3 to zero beating of the Guys who are Wyse. The masked one in the net, such intensity I have not seen in un tiempo largo, if ever.

"We hope that soon we can show the games on the main sports channel, perhaps for the next season? For now we are proud to show the Aces playing their ice hockey games on Canal 53, el Canal de hombres y más hombres.”

Senor Fernandez then reached into his trousers and slowly pulled out the Channel 53 lineup for March 6:

17:00 - 17:30 3 Men and Another 3 Men (Comedy)

17:30 - 18:00 AssWord! (Game show)

18:00 - 19:00 Hillbilly Hand Fistin’ (Reality)

19:00 - 19:30 Aces Season Highlites, 2012-2013

19:30 - 20:00 Reach for the Bottom (Game Show)

20:00 - 21:30 UFC Highlites in slow motion (Adult)

21:30 - 21:50 Aces Pre-Game Show with Don Cherry

21:50 - 23:00 Aces vs Warriors (live)

23:00 - 24:00 The Gerbil Whisperer (Reality)

The Aces are reportedly still in talks concerning royalties from the broadcasts.

Pope Benedict XVI Says Farewell Church, Hello Aces

I'm doing the Wave!

The following is an excerpt from the farewell speech given today by Pope Benedict XVI (aka Joey Ratz) upon his retirement from his position as head of the Roman Catholic Church.

*    *    *

Venerable Brothers in the Episcopate and in the Priesthood! Distinguished Authorities! Dear brothers and sisters! Thank you for coming in such large numbers to this last General Audience of my pontificate.

I had originally prepared a lovely speech to bid you farewell as I take my leave of the, what do you call it, the Pope thing. Some friendly banter with the Cardinals, a big shout out to God, that sort of thing. However, today I feel it is my responsibility to reveal to you the real reason I’m stepping away from the job.

No, I’m not rejoining the Nazi Party. I don’t like those skinheads, they kind of freak me out to tell you the truth. And it’s nothing to do with inappropriate touching of boys. I’m an old man now, all that’s in the past. Belated apologies to quite a number of altar boys though, the full list is posted on my personal blog if you’re interested.

The real reason I’m taking off the Big Hat is that I’ve decided to devote whatever months or years remain in this material life to supporting the Black Aces Hockey Club of Toronto Canada in their quest to regain the glory that was once theirs.

In recent weeks it seems that God has once again favoured the team, as they have won 3 games in succession. Oh and speaking of succession, a new Pope will be announced very soon I’m told. Personally I’m pulling for Ben Affleck. Did you see him at the Oscars? Such a handsome man… where was I again? Oh yes, the Aces. Three wins in a row.

Earlier in the season I received a special request from Al H. the team Chaplain requesting a special prayer for the team. They were struggling with their dedication to the game of ice hockey, as many of our flock also struggle with the great questions of life; is there a God? Why am I here? What’s this weird lump on my neck? Whatever happened to Paul F?

At first, it seemed as if the Aces had been forsaken. Wins were scarce, absent even. Their faith in Wednesday night hockey itself perhaps called into question. Then, a miracle! New players arrived, seemingly from heaven. Goals were scored, shots were saved, and a win materialized like the Blessed Virgin’s face on a piece of freshly toasted rye bread.

I continued to pray for the team and 2 more wins were bestowed upon them, including last week’s 3-2 victory over the first place Battlers, with goals by new man Dave (2) and veteran Mike (1). Glorious indeed.

And so we come to the end of one era, and the beginning of another. A new Pope will be chosen to lead the Church, and I will continue to watch over the Black Aces as they walk their path of righteousness towards a decent showing in the COTHL playoffs.

May God bless all of you. Go Aces.

Aces Win Triggers Celestial Fireworks Display by God Himself

Last week it was United States President Barack Obama giving some unexpected praise to local hockey team the Black Aces, this week it seems the team has caught the attention of God Himself.

As most of the world prepared for the uncomfortably close fly-by of asteroid 2012 DA14, a second more spectacular event took place in the skies over the Siberian city of Chelyabinsk. A 7000 ton chunk of space rock broke apart over the city, shattering windows with a sonic boom and providing a spectacular display of celestial pyrotechnics.

"This event it is spektakular, yes!" shouted local potato salesman Dmitri Popwunov over the sound of sirens, as paramedics rushed to treat the over 1,000 local people injured by shattering glass "And kan mean only one thing - Black Aces have won second victory in row! God is very please!"

In fact, Russian scientists are in agreement, confirming that it was indeed God who sent the meteorite to earth and not some minor sky deity like, say Egyptian god Horus, who is clearly too old and tired to have pulled off something this big. "We are confirming yes, was Christian God sending big rock to explode over our city." said Russian nuclear scientist and quantum theologian Viktor Hametov "No way can be some little shit god like Horus who cannot even make fart any more. Beside, Horus big fan of Warriors and Aces defeat Warriors 4-1 like playing against little girl team. God very happy for Aces, yes."

 

The 4-1 victory was indeed the blackshirts second W in as many weeks, as the team made excellent use of a couple of call-ups from the farm club in Don Mills, both of whom tallied for the Aces. The other 2 goals were scored by Rod and Ralph, and the Aces D men shut the Warriors down almost completely.

Team astrophysicist Aubrey S provided solid goaltending all night long as regular goalie Raj C was in hospital having several dozen tattoos of former girlfriends' names lasered off. Other notable absences:

Simon: in Ghana for the 2nd week in a row, working on a Harlem Shake video
Rich: trapped in a hot tub in the Rockies
Brian: still thinks the games are on thursday
Paul: contract negotiations are stalled
Joe 2N: did not finish ironing Kathleen Wynne's pantsuits in time for the game
Joe H: busy recruiting massage therapists for off-season training camp
Bruce: has been asked to consult on selection of new pope

Obama Praises Black Aces in State of the Union Address

In a move that has US news networks baffled, United States President Barack Obama took some time during his State of the Union address this evening to send a message of encouragement to a group of middle-aged amateur hockey players in Toronto Canada.

The State of the Union address is normally reserved for topics of importance to the United States, and for the most part Obama did keep to his script. Infrastructure, early childhood education, the economy and even climate change were key touchpoints during the speech. About half way through, however, the President appeared to veer from his prepared notes to talk about the Black Aces Hockey Club. Here's an excerpt.

"Now let me just say that in these challenging times, we all look for inspiration. We look for role models, people who can serve as a template for achievement and success. We often look to our athletic heroes as examples of what the human spirit can achieve when we allow ourselves to dream, and to reach for the stars. This past week I myself was inspired by a tremendous group of men from Toronto Canada, who somehow, against all odds, managed to put together 3 full periods of ice hockey against a bitter rival team. These brave men fought against their own terrible limitations - old age, injuries, a complete lack of hockey sense in some cases - and brought home their first victory of 2013, 5 to 2 over the Wyse Guys.

"Now some of you may also be facing a similar lack of talent, or poor health, or just a garden variety addiction to prescription crystal meth. Maybe you feel helpless, like your life can never turn around. I say to you, 'you're probably right, but if the Aces can bring home a win then maybe you can too'.  And so I ask you now, Democrats and Republicans alike, to join me in sending a big shout-out to my homeboys the Black Aces. Good luck in the playoffs you guys!"

This is how many games the Aces have won this year.

Obama then returned to the rest of his speech, summarized here for those who did not catch the event as it unfolded:

• America is great
• Republicans: total douchebags
• Guns are bad, unless they are killing Afghanistanianistas
• Fuck you Ted Nugent
• Jeff is bringing the beer this week
• Thank you and good night

What's Your Excuse?

Local hockey team the Black Aces continue to struggle in what some observers are calling their worst season in living memory in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. Their most recent game (a 5-2 loss to the Battlers) was another in what is becoming a longish string of losing efforts, partly due to the team's inability to ice a full squad from week to week.

Missing Aces players have struggled to come up with all kinds of original excuses for not being there at game time, so in the interest of saving players time and effort, the Black Aces blog proudly presents the Wheel of Excuses. Did you miss the most recent game? Don't sweat it, friend, simply give the wheel a spin and call it in.

Sources close to the Aces blogging department say the Wheel of Excuses should be available as an app in the very near future. Blackberry only.

Ontario Teachers Rally in Support of Black Aces

Thousands of Ontario teachers took to the streets this weekend to rally in support of local hockey club the Black Aces. Media coverage erroneously reported the rally as a protest of some kind, possibly against the provincial Liberals, but sources confirm that the gathering was in fact all about the Aces.

"The Black Aces are composed almost entirely of secondary school teachers" said Richmond Hill science teacher Walter Mitchell during the march along Toronto's Carlton Street "and we're here to let them know that we're behind them 100%."

Braving the January cold, throngs of educators from across the province gathered in Toronto to shout encouragement to the struggling Aces team.

"Sure, the team is getting straight D's this year but with a little extra help I think we can have them back on track by the time the playoff report cards come out" shouted Glenda McManliest, girls gym teacher at Woburn Collegiate in Scarborough "If not, I think several hundred wind sprints followed by 2 straight hours of polishing my balls should be appropriate punishment. Basketballs. What did you think I meant?"

Even another loss in their latest contest, a 4-3 decision against the Warriors, wasn't enough to dampen the spirits of the massive crowd of (possibly drunk) teachers. A very boisterous group of young student teachers were especially enthusiastic about the team. "We just think there's nothing sexier than middle-aged teachers in short pants" enthused 22 year-old aspiring art teacher Wendy De Nubile "Hi Aubrey!! Wooooooo!"

The rally was picking up momentum until someone, possibly a math teacher, realized that everyone was actually there on 'extracurricular' time. Within minutes the streets had emptied, but the message of support and hope had been sent to the Aces.

Thank you, Ontario teachers.

Lance Armstrong Apologizes for Aces Mediocre Season

"I really think the playoffs are going to be different" 

In a much-anticipated interview with Oprah Winfrey last week, former 7 time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong surprised everyone by apologizing not only for his own cheating and general douchebaggery but also for the performance of the Black Aces HC, a Toronto area beer league hockey team.

In spite of Winfrey's repeated attempts to get the interview back on track, a determined Armstrong kept bringing the conversation back around to the Aces.

Oprah Winfrey: "Yes or no, did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?"
Lance Armstrong: "Yes. And I'd just like to apologize to everyone who believed in me and in the Black Aces for lying about this, and for the sub-par season the team has been having so far this year."
OW: "Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?"
LA: "Yes. I also offered the Aces as much EPO as they wanted at the start of this season and to their credit they turned down the offer. I think that's admirable but I also think it might be one reason they keep running out of gas in the third period."
OW: "Wait a minute, what are you talking about? Who are these Black Aces?"
LA: "Great bunch of guys. They play in the COTHL, but they're having an off season so far and I know they feel terrible about it."
OW: "Maybe we should just stick to the subject of your use of performance enhancing drugs, Mr. Armstrong."
LA: "Sure, whatever. But I know they're going to turn things around, especially after their last game. They came from behind twice to tie the Wyse Guys 5-5, and might have a couple of new players in the lineup that I think could really make a dif-"
OW: "MR ARMSTRONG!"
LA: "Right, right, sorry. Cycling. Drugs. Gotcha. Go ahead."
OW: "Yes or no, in all seven of your Tour de France victories did you ever take banned substances or blood dope?"
LA:"Yes. I think it must be the injuries, and the aging factor."
OW: "You mean that led you to use drugs to keep your career going?"
LA: "No, I mean that account for the poor record of the Aces this year. Lots of guys out each week and hey, they're not getting any younger, you know what I mean?"
OW: "This interview is over."
LA: "Go Aces!! Early game this week!"

Aces Action Plan for Success

It's a funny old life, isn't it? One day you're up, next day you're down. One season your beer league hockey team is crushing league rivals like bugs, then the next season the universe decides you've had your fill of glory and your season looks more like this:

We're on the left.

The Black Aces, former heavyweights of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, find themselves in the unaccustomed position of last place in the league for 2012-2013. The reasons are varied, but mostly it comes down to two things:

1. The other teams got better
2. The Aces got worse.

That is not a happy combination. There is still time for a turnaround, of course, especially since our chances of making the playoffs are still good. How can the Aces accomplish this feat, you ask? What can they possibly do to salvage their season? Here are some options for the men in black to consider:

Subways! The Aces want subways!

A coaching change. Now that football season is over, Toronto 'mayor' Rob Ford has quite a bit of time on his hands. Sure, he knows jack about hockey but he knows fuck all about mayoring too and look where that got him. The Aces could hire Rob for the remainder of the season and hope for the best.

Better pharmaceuticals. Sure, Lance Armstrong was psychopathic cheater and liar but he had access to the best performance-enhancing drugs this side of the French Alps. Now that he's 'clean' and has no more need for all that awesome dope the Aces could probably score a couple of Fiat trunk-fulls of EPO, testosterone, human growth hormone and blood doping gear at a really good price. Since no one else from the league reads this blog, we would never be found out. As long as he doesn't squeal on us when he goes on Oprah we're golden.

Bribery. For years we've been supplying post-game refreshments to the officiating staff of the COTHL. It's time to call in that chit. Some well-timed penalties against the other clubs during the playoffs would go a long way towards evening the odds for the Aces. The downside to this plan is that we'd still have to come through with some timely goals in order to succeed. For that reason alone this plan is a long shot.

Please [deity_name], send us a sniper.

Prayer. It worked for Tim Tebow (for a while), it just might work for us. Just to be safe though we can't limit our supplications to a single deity. Since the Aces squad is a multi-faith concern, it behooves us to make the most of our diversity and beseech as many gods as we can. Jewish players, please be sure to send your prayers to the god of the old testament, Evangelicals can pray to the Great White Man in the Sky or to Saint Ronald Reagan (your choice). Raj, please put in a good word with Hanuman the Monkey God or with any of the thousands of Hindu minor deities available. Atheists please observe a minute of pre-game silence in honour of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Buddhists just stay cool and light some incense or something. 

If none of these plans work, please enjoy these inspirational posters: