Sunday, January 20, 2013

Lance Armstrong Apologizes for Aces Mediocre Season

"I really think the playoffs are going to be different" 
In a much-anticipated interview with Oprah Winfrey last week, former 7 time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong surprised everyone by apologizing not only for his own cheating and general douchebaggery but also for the performance of the Black Aces HC, a Toronto area beer league hockey team.

In spite of Winfrey's repeated attempts to get the interview back on track, a determined Armstrong kept bringing the conversation back around to the Aces.

Oprah Winfrey: "Yes or no, did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?"
Lance Armstrong: "Yes. And I'd just like to apologize to everyone who believed in me and in the Black Aces for lying about this, and for the sub-par season the team has been having so far this year."
OW: "Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?"
LA: "Yes. I also offered the Aces as much EPO as they wanted at the start of this season and to their credit they turned down the offer. I think that's admirable but I also think it might be one reason they keep running out of gas in the third period."
OW: "Wait a minute, what are you talking about? Who are these Black Aces?"
LA: "Great bunch of guys. They play in the COTHL, but they're having an off season so far and I know they feel terrible about it."
OW: "Maybe we should just stick to the subject of your use of performance enhancing drugs, Mr. Armstrong."
LA: "Sure, whatever. But I know they're going to turn things around, especially after their last game. They came from behind twice to tie the Wyse Guys 5-5, and might have a couple of new players in the lineup that I think could really make a dif-"
OW: "MR ARMSTRONG!"
LA: "Right, right, sorry. Cycling. Drugs. Gotcha. Go ahead."
OW: "Yes or no, in all seven of your Tour de France victories did you ever take banned substances or blood dope?"
LA:"Yes. I think it must be the injuries, and the aging factor."
OW: "You mean that led you to use drugs to keep your career going?"
LA: "No, I mean that account for the poor record of the Aces this year. Lots of guys out each week and hey, they're not getting any younger, you know what I mean?"
OW: "This interview is over."
LA: "Go Aces!! Early game this week!"

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