Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Slap Shot

May not be exactly as shown
Local ice hockey team the Black Aces staved off an official losing streak this past week, as they held tough against rivals the Warriors in a game that featured more than the usual amount of good-natured body contact. The game was close, in fact the score stayed 1-1 until Aces sniper Ralph bagged the winner with just over a minute to go in the third. Ralph's goal bookended the game nicely, as Mark opened the scoring very early in the first. In between those 2 markers, sometime defenseman and Popular Music Drummer Pete T held off the Warriors with some great play between the pipes.

The game was in doubt for a while - a controversial penalty call late in the third gave the Warriors a power play and a chance to go ahead. Only some excellent pk and some timely saves by Pete kept things tied at one.

In the spirit of public education and clarification of league rules, let's examine the definition of 'slap shot', a shot that is verboten in the COTHL.

Google the term and you get this:

slap shot
noun
ICE HOCKEY
  1. a hard shot made by raising the stick about waist-high before striking the puck with a sharp slapping motion.

So, 'waist high'. Remember that.

Dictionary.com says:

slapshot  /ˈslæpˌʃɒt/  noun
1. (hockey:Ice) a hard, fast, often wild, shot executed with a powerful downward swing, and with the blade of the stick brushing firmly against the ice prior to striking the puck

True enough, but what about that backswing? What does Wikipedia say?

slapshot (also spelled as slap shot) in ice hockey is the hardest shot one can perform. It has four stages which are executed in one fluid motion to make the puck fly into the net:
  1. The player winds up his hockey stick to shoulder height or higher.
  2. et cetera, et cetera.

ok, so a wind up to shoulder height or higher. Really? 

Hmm. Over to you,  Merriam-Webster.

slap shot

 noun
ice hockey : a shot that is made by swinging your stick with a lot of force

What they really mean is "we have no clue, we've never seen an ice hockey game, we are useless."

Moving on,  let's consult everyone's favourite, the Urban Dictionary...

... er, ok. Read it for yourself. Maybe NSFW, unless you work on a construction site or in the porn industry.

So a slap shot then is when you (a hockey player, hopefully) bring your stick back to waist/shoulder/head/ height or even higher, somehow, and then strike the puck with 'a lot of force' but not before 'brushing' the ice 'firmly'. This may or may not also include any number of acts we can't talk about in this blog involving alcohol, slapping with hands or other appendages, and (optional) bodily fluids.

Also, this is video is pretty cool.



But not as cool as this one:

Sunday, November 30, 2014

(d*5) + (f*8) = WG7 / BA5

On a night when the Aces iced 5 defensemen, how is it that their COTHL rivals the Wyse Guys were still able to score 7 times? It’s all about balance, I suppose.

On that note, please enjoy this video of a Scottish man demonstrating what can be accomplished with a fine sense of balance.



The details:

Mike K nabbed 2 goals while Rod, Ralph and last minute sub Paul M each counted one. Nice to see Paul back on the ice after some off-season knee surgery. For rehab Paul rode the route you see in the video whilst pulling his trailer full of hockey equipment, which shortened his recovery time significantly. Perhaps something similar is in order for next year's training camp?

Joe can put together a team bike trek in the Himalayas, so just let him know when you can make it to Kathmandu for the start so he can make arrangements. No? Maybe some balancing of a different kind might be more the Aces speed:

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Praise Braam!

The twin suns Kaarn and Kuurn were already setting into the red hills of Sraac when Duurishnok dismounted his Strider, hastily tying the 6-legged beast to a weathered hitching post outside the observatory’s main entrance. The temperature was dropping and the animal was tired and in need of water, but he would have to tend to it later.

“You are late” said Aashnoki in a calm voice, as Duurishnok half strode, half stumbled into the Reading Room. “Again.”

“I’m sorry Your Grace. The sand creatures of Vraal were hunting this eve, I had to take evasive action crossing the Null Region and lost some time.” Duurishnok’s breathing was already laboured, but he added a few extra huffs for effect. He slung his blue Draalskin bag off his shoulder and settled into his seat at the Holy Control Panel.

“I see.” said the older man, gazing - without seeing, for he was stone blind - out the observatory’s massive main window into the deep red of the darkening sky. The crescent shape of the giant moon Aamroth was just beginning to show, while across the dark part of its surface the orange pinpoints of hundreds of active volcanoes could be seen. Beautiful but deadly fireflies in the night sky, coming closer each day. The end, said the High Priests of Naang, was no more than 6 sun cycles away now.

Duurishnok could feel the disapproving glare of his fellow Readers as he waited for his monitor to warm up. It was cold in the observatory. It was cold everywhere now, since the planet’s normal weather systems had been ruined by the immense gravitational pull of Aamroth - no longer in its proper orbit, his home world was in the end stages of a fatal dance with its single moon. They were now too far from the life-giving heat and light of Kaarn and Kuurn. Even the sand creatures of Vraal would soon be dead, but at least they would be spared the terror of the day the moon crashed into their world.

The monitor blinked to life. Duurishnok pulled his visor down and focused on the screen.

He could feel the presence of Aashnoki behind him as he tapped out the letters of the Sacred URL and hit the large round “Enter” button with 3 of his 7 fingers.

Duurishnok had no idea what “aceshockeyclub.blogspot.ca” signified, nor the meaning of the messages being transmitted to them across the light years of spacetime. The blind monks however seemed to think them of great importance and would pay many dozens of triins to have Readers like Duurishnok access the messages from the distant planet Earth. That planet must surely be dead by now, thought Duurishnok, so long ago were the messages transmitted. Soon we will be joining them.

“Please confirm the previous results” said Aashnoki “We have determined that there is a high probability of error in the last transmission, possibly due to timeline contamination.”

“Wyse Guys eight....” Duurishnok squinted at the tiny screen.

“Yes? And?” There was a slight quiver in the old monk’s voice.

“Aces... zero. Shall I read the full entry, your grace?”

“No, that won’t be necessary. Thank you. Is there another entry after that?”

Duurishnok executed an intricate series of key presses on his 400-character keypad and the screen flickered and refreshed itself. “Yes, your grace. We have another entry. Praise Braam!”

“Praise Braam!” The words echoed around the reading room as the other Readers repeated the phrase and left their stations to crowd around Duurishnok and his screen.

“Please read the entry now.” The cold room fell silent but for the sound of the wind howling outside.

“Warriors... five.” The sound of a dozen men holding their breath.

“Aces... nine.” The sound of a dozen men exhaling at once. “Praise Braam!!” someone shouted, and the cry was taken up immediately by the others.

“Silence!” Aashnoki’s command was enough to halt the celebration. “Please, read out the names of the heroes.”

Duurishnok leaned into his screen and carefully checked its contents before speaking.

“Raad... 2 goals. Maark... 3 goals. Raalph... 3 goals.”

“Are you sure?” asked the blind monk “This is highly unusual. We have not heard this name in a great while.”

“Yes, your grace. There can be no mistake - Raalph, 3 goals.”

“Go on then, there should be one more.”

“Djoee Two-Names had one goal. Also, the one called Aaabry was again in the position of Keeper. A brave performance.”

“Thank you Reader Duurishnok. You have performed well. An extra 20 triins in your pay packet this week. I pray to Braam that we continue to receive such excellent news from the planet Earth. Praise Braam.”

“Praise Braam” mumbled the Readers, as the fires of Aamroth glowed in the night sky overhead.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Aces Win (just not in this timeline)

"I enjoy the non-linear nature of ice hockey as well as its utility in rendering quantum theory as a framework for ontically noncommittal causal inference."
Fans of this blog will also no doubt be fans of science (naturally) and will have heard of the “Many Worlds” theory of quantum physics. For the non-science fans and the forwards in the crowd, the MWT states that every time a random event occurs the universe splits into separate universes, or timelines, one each for each possible outcome of that event. For instance, if a certain hockey team lost a game, say, 8-0, there would also exist other timelines where that score did not happen - one for each possible outcome.

My personal take on this theory is that the total amount of positive and negative energy in each universe / timeline must balance. So a negative event is balanced out by a positive event. For example Doug Ford loses the Toronto mayoral election and local politics becomes boring again (a bad outcome) but then he runs for Ontario PC party leader and we get to laugh at him for a while longer (a good outcome). See how that works?

In this timeline, a certain hockey team did in fact lose 8-0 to a team with red sweaters. That was bad, I think we can all agree. On the other hand news out of West Africa is that the Ebola virus is now in retreat. Which pretty much evens the score.

What about those other timelines though? What happened in the alternate universes where the score was not 8-0? It just so happens that your scribe and blog host has some friends at the Perimeter Institute in Waterloo, who happen to be working on a sophisticated mathematical equation capable of determining specific events happening in alternate timelines. They kindly agreed to use the new equation to see what happened under all the alternate hockey scenarios from last week.

Here are the results. For those interested (looking at you, defensemen) there is an excellent seminar next tuesday that covers some of the theory involved. Let me know if you want to carpool to Waterloo.

If physics lectures are not your cup of tea, there's always this episode of "Community".

TimelineGame Result Balancing event
This oneWG 8, Aces 0 Ebola in retreat.
1WG 7, Aces 1 Branson buys the Aces
2WG 6, Aces 2 All the new sweaters fit
3WG 5, Aces 3 Ferris returns his sweater
4WG 4, Aces 4 Partly cloudy, high of 10 degrees.
5WG 3, Aces 5 Warm post-game beer
6WG 2, Aces 6 Don Cherry contract extension
7WG 1, Aces 7 U2 double album mandatory listening 
8WG 0, Aces 8 Recount. Doug Ford wins.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Richard Branson to Buy Aces HC

In the wake of last week’s disastrous crash of Virgin Galactic’s Spaceship Two (now re-christened “Spaceship None”), Virgin founder Richard Branson has announced that he intends to purchase local hockey team the Black Aces.
We'll use this to fly beer into the Aces games.
In a post-crash news conference, Branson stunned assembled media and industry analysts by making the surprise announcement.

“This has nothing to do with friday’s crash” said a composed Branson, sipping an iced tea and riffling a stack of hundred dollar bills as he faced the cameras at Spaceport America (to be re-christened “Aceport America”), the launch facility for Virgin Galactic. “I’ve had my eye on the Aces for some time now. However the timing is fortuitous.”

Long time followers of this blog may recall an earlier attempt by Branson to purchase the team was thwarted by the Canadian government. It now seems that other events (*cough*ISIS*cough*) have pushed the Aces sale into the background and this time it's a go.

Branson says he intends to overhaul the Virgin Galactic spacecraft’s controversial propulsion system, currently based on nitrous oxide and much criticized by the aerospace industry for its alleged safety issues. “We’ll be powering the next generation spacecraft not with nitrous, but with something far more powerful: the incredible grit and testosterone-fuelled energy of the Black Aces. I believe this energy source will revolutionize the way we travel to space. Perhaps even change the course of human history.”

The Aces, explained Branson in a 45 slide Powerpoint presentation, were somehow generating an intense and sustained form of pure energy that he said could be harnessed to act as a propulsive fuel for Spaceship Three (to be re-christened “Aceship Three”).

“Did you see their latest game?” asked Branson to a puzzled group of reporters and officials. “They refused to lose. The Battlers tried to intimidate them into submission but it could not be done. The Aces turned on their mysterious power source and burned the Battlers in the final minute to take a 2-1 victory. It was a show of aggressive manliness the likes of which I have never witnessed anywhere else. I was a little turned on if you must know.”

Independent reports confirmed that the Aces did defeat a physical Battlers squad on goals by Rod and Pete, though Pete’s goal was in fact the result of a point shot from Aces blogger-in-chief Jeff bouncing off his (hockey) equipment. Some solid goaltending by this week’s guest netminder John (to be re-christened “Goalie”) aided the cause on the back end, as did new D recruit Pete (to be re-christened “D-Pete”).

The Aces' record now stands at 5-1.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Aces Hacked by Russian Cyber Criminals

Canadian security officials have revealed that local hockey team the Black Aces were recently the victims of a sophisticated cyber-attack, similar in nature to the many attacks on well-known multinational retailers in 2014, like Home Depot, Kmart and Staples. 
Hacker may not be exactly as shown
In the previous attacks, hackers were able to gain access to to sensitive customer information, including credit card numbers and other personal details. The Russian underground cyber criminals responsible for the Aces attack were no doubt counting on a similar payoff when they focused their evil algorithms on the Aces formidable hardened data centre, world-renowned for its impregnability. 

Your Intrepid Aces Reporter, through confidential sources, has managed to track down the chief black hat programmer responsible for crafting the deadly virus that was able to breach the Aces’ digital defenses. The following is an abridged transcript of a skype conversation held over secure channels in the days following the attack. The true identity of the hacker cannot be revealed, so in this transcript he is identified only as “Viktor.”

IAR: hello, Viktor, are you there? I only see a black screen. 
Viktor: Yes, I em here. I have black Harry Potter wizard hat covering camera. Is for protection. 
IAR: Yes, of course. What can you tell me about the operation against the Black Aces? 
Viktor: Well, was bit of embarrassment, actually. We are thinking such high secure data centre must containing valuable informations. So we attack. Was not easy to get through Aces’ defense, is everyone knowing that already. Very tough. But, with time and much computing power we are able to finally enter. 
IAR: And what sort of information did you find once you got past the Aces’ defenses? 
Viktor: Was... curious. List of backup goalies, scanned receipt from somewhere calling ‘Rodney’s Oyster House’, video of very bad very drunk old men play Rolling Stones with guitar and drum. Very shitty. My boss very mad.  
IAR:  So you found nothing of value at all? 
Viktor: Nyet. Is complete useless waste in time. As revenge, I decide to make game plan for Aces enemy, Warriors. Using plan are able to have victory over black hockey team, is certain. So they are losing 2 goals to 4 against Warriors. Fuck Aces, they are skating now like devochki. And fuck their shitty data also.  Oy, I must go - is boss coming. Do svidaniya.

There you have it, readers. The Aces go down 4-2 to the Warriors, but only because of some dirty espionage and hacking by evil Russian computer criminals. Goals by Mark and Joe D during a late game surge were not enough and the Aces record falls to 4-1. 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Tom Hortons introduces new coffee to honour Aces HC

Iconic Canadian coffee and donut chain Tom Horton’s has just announced the introduction of a new flavour of coffee, their second this year. Coming just months after the chain started offering a ‘dark roast’ in addition to its regular brew, the new java brand is being described by Horton’s as “really f***ing dark. Like, seriously dark. Black even.”

At a press conference held to announce the new offering, Horton’s new spokesperson William Shatner elaborated on the reasons for the unexpected addition to the company’s coffee menu.

Black. As. Space. The - final frontier.


“Let’s not beat around the bush - everyone knows Horton's regular coffee is crap,” said Shatner. “Even their so-called dark roast is really just the same warm brown watery cup of sweet mediocrity as the original brew, it just comes in a darker cup.

“Our focus group testing told us that what we really needed was a cup of real coffee, something that would not only compete with the other guys but totally destroy them, darkness-wise. Just like I destroyed the Gorn in episode 18 of the original Star Trek series.  The Horton's brewmasters rose to the challenge and created a roast so dark, so strong, and so heavy that not even light itself could escape.

“It is the black hole of coffee. The - singularity of caffeinated beverages. When it came time to name this most potent brew, there was only once choice. Only the most high-powered, kick-ass, seriously awesome group of black-shirted bastards were worthy of the honour. I’m talking of course about the Black Aces HC.”

Shatner then opened a small black metal case that had been on a table beside him. The heavy latches snapped open with a ‘thunk’ and it seemed that the air in the room became suddenly darker, heavier, and more ominous. Sounds were muffled and indeed light seemed to disappear into the open case in an unnatural way. Reaching into the case with both hands he lifted out a black cup about half the size of the smallest cup currently on offer at the local Tom Hortons.



“This, friends, is the new Black Aces Black Awesome Brew. Served black and only black - we will allow no milk products or sugar to be added, ever - in a carbon fibre cup. 4 ounces of potent blackness, no more. No more is required.”

“How much will it cost?” asked a reporter from a major daily.

“How. Dare. You. Even. Ask. About the cost. That is irrelevant, and I will not have the mighty name of the Black Aces diminished by such an impertinent question. It costs what it is worth. And you. Will. Buy. It.

“No further questions. Wait, one more. You there in the back."

"Yes, what happened in last week's Aces game?"

"A victory of course. Aces 2, Wyse Guys 1. Goals by Ralph and someone named 'Ren', apparently. A close game for most of the way, but in the end the Aces did triumph. Again."

Monday, October 13, 2014

CBC to Broadcast Aces Games

In an effort to regain some of the hockey broadcast glory so recently lost when they had Hockey Night in Canada taken from them by Rogers, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has just announced that it will be broadcasting an exciting lineup of games featuring local Toronto hockey legends the Black Aces.

Hockey Night in Cedarvale, as the new show is to be called, will feature an all-star lineup of CBC talent to host the games.

Weapons-grade folksiness
Play by play: Stuart McLean, host of the popular old-people’s radio show The Vinyl Cafe will call the action from rinkside, interjecting humourous anecdotes about Dave, Morley and the gang along with his lightning-fast delivery. Sample: “Aces defenseman and sometime blogger Jeff M corralled the puck in his own end, and, cradling it on his stick like a... newborn Jack Russell Terrier puppy, carried it out to the blueline before making a pass as... crisp as an early October morning to a waiting teammate. Just like the time Dave passed Sam the turkey gravy at that one memorable thanksgiving dinner, the time that Morley wore the apron that Dave’s great aunt Hattie had given her for Christmas.” And so on.

Colour commentary: Bob McDonald, host of the "popular" nerd science radio show Quirks and Quarks. Bob will also present fascinating between-periods features on the science of hockey, covering topics like “Why does a post-game beer taste better after a win?” and “The effects of aging on reflexes and recovery time.”
I have nothing bad to say about Q&Q. Great show. Seriously, listen to it. Saturdays at noon.

Post-game analysis will be handled by the annoying and off-puttingly weird-looking Rex Murphy, including a regular call-in feature called “Hockey players: Hoodlums or Ruffians? You decide”
Sweet Jesus, I'm creepy.

Wizardry!

Not to be outdone by Rogers emphasis on high-tech cameras and multiplatform delivery, the CBC is promising some technical wizardry of its own, including
  • the Zamboni Cam ®
  • live tweeting of the game by CBC correspondent and Spark host Nora Young 
  • a live-streamed Innuit throat-singing version of Oh Canada before every game
  • action photos taken by CBC hipster chick Sook Yin Lee and put through the most obscure Instagram filters, posted to her Tumblr account
  • a Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) with Ron James, host of something called the "Ron James Show"
And don’t forget to tune into the Hockey Night in Cedarvale Farsi edition (the Punjabi broadcast has been snapped up by Rogers Communications).

Actual Hockey News

Exciting stuff, but what happened last week? Oh, just another win by the Aces is all. 5-3 over the Battlers, in what for a while was a pretty close game. The Battlers were actually in front 3-2 in the second period before the Aces took charge, with Mark bagging an impressive 4 goals and Rod chipping in for a single. Goaltending duties were ably handled by some guy in a red jersey, since Aces goalie Kevin T. was busy watching some other team play hockey. Forget the name of the team, sorry.

Aces are now 3-0 on the season, in case you’re keeping track.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Aces HC Now Taking Applications for Head Coaching Role

Pull my finger, ref.

With the possible impending departure of their beloved and wise CSO (Chief Strategy Officer) Rich W, local hockey team the Black Aces have been putting some feelers out into the community in an effort to recruit some new bench brains. The team is off to a great start for the 2014-2015 season, but things sometimes have a way of going off the rails when you least expect it, so the search for the next chalk talker is on.

Your humble scribe has been granted permission to share with you, dear reader(s), a sampling of some of the ‘top of the pile’ applications submitted so far.

Like this beauty:


Dear Black Aces HC,
Please accept this as my application for the position of head coach of your shitty little hockey club. Sure I already run a multi-million dollar company that I started from nothing after my dad handed it to me, but I bet you guys are all pretty ignorant, and you need a smart guy like me behind the bench to tell you what to do.

I don’t drink, so no more beer after the game for anyone. That’s over. If you need any quality hash though, I got it covered. Black, blonde, leb, whatever you want. It’s the good shit too. My other strengths include:

  • shouting
  • lying
  • arranging beat downs (lookin at you, refs)
  • creepy stares 
  • more lying
  • even more lying

So when do I start?
 
D. Ford
And this one from another Toronto celebrity:
Hello,
Last night as I rummaged through some delicious green bin delights in a driveway in the Annex, I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming sense of my own mortality. I mean, what is the purpose of life? Is it to sleep all day in a tree, then skulk about in the dark - eating garbage, breaking into attics and pooping on random decks and shed roofs? Maybe. Maybe. But just in case it is not, I wish to apply for the position of head coach of the Black Aces. I have a lot of valuable qualities I can bring to the team, and I can teach the players some killer moves that will completely take the other teams by surprise. Things like:

  • sleeping all day in a tree
  • skulking (in the dark, mainly)
  • green bin security countermeasures
  • advanced deck & rooftop pooping techniques
None of these will in the least way help the team at hockey, but I think you already have that part figured out so come on, take a chance on a small and strangely articulate urban mammal as your next head coach.

A. Raccoon
Here's one from a little farther up the food chain.
Aces,

As your new leader I promise to provide a strong, steady hand behind the bench and to lead the team forward into a glorious future. A future where the Aces are respected around the league, around the city, and around the world. As an energy superpower, Canada has earned the right to be revered by all the countries of the world, and I feel the time has come to bring the might of the Black Aces to bear on those nations that require a certain, shall we say... education.  
As a certain great leader once said, “Es ist unser Wille, dass dieses Team der Männer wird durch die kommenden Jahrtausenden zu ertragen.

S. Harper

Wow. Powerful stuff, no? There are many more applications, this is but a small selection of the total.

While management mulls over the options and works towards a decision, the Aces themselves continue to roll. Game Two of the 2014-2015 season saw the team take on the Warriors and come away with a 5-0 victory.

Kevin recorded the first of many shutouts, Mark marked 3 markers for the hattie, and Joe D and Pete each chipped in with a goal.

Nice work, guys. Next up: Bloor Battlers.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Aces Off-Season Training Pays Dividends

No, not that kind of training camp

Most beer league players spend their summers putting on weight and perfecting barbecue techniques. Aces players? Not so much. After winning the cup two years running you might expect them to take it easy, but if their first game is any indication it looks like the blackshirts spent their summer putting on awesome, not pounds. 

Although the team’s dryland training regime remains a closely guarded secret, we are  able to reveal a partial list of the advanced fitness routines followed by Aces players this summer. 

In previous off-seasons the team was directed by none other than Vladimir Putin, but this year his busy schedule of rebuilding the Russian Empire kept him from making the trip to the Aces training camp. So the team had to improvise. 

“Paint side down” 


To increase lung capacity, players gather closely around an open fire fueled by scrap wood painted on one side with lead-based house paint. Paint side down, of course, because safety.

“Not golf” 

In this exercise, players spend 4-5 hours navigating a challenging outdoor obstacle course in a motorized cart, periodically swinging a perimeter-weighted metal or carbon rod at a small spherical target. Players are encouraged to hydrate as much as possible. To make it extra challenging, a blinding hangover is optional and recommended only for advanced participants. 

“The team that plays together...”


Team cameraderie is critical to success. To foster this elusive bonding quality, Aces players form a band and like, totally rock out. 1970s style of course, because all music made after that era is garbage, amiright? 

[photos to come, possibly video]

“Roll on down the highway”

An exquisite sense of balance is essential to the modern hockey player if he is to be successful in today’s highly competitive beer league atmosphere. To enhance this key attribute, players practice exiting a moving motorcycle and executing a series of rolls on pavement. Retaining consciousness during the exercise is optional, but don’t forget to have a spotter. Bonus points if the move is video recorded and makes it to Youtube.

These and other top-secret training techniques no doubt played a key role in propelling the Aces to a solid 4-1 win over the Wyse Guys in their first game of the 2014-2015 season. Kevin played a solid game between the pipes, the D did their usual brick wall routine, and forwards Rod and Mike each added a goal to Mark’s pair. 

Aces Mexican connection and sponsor Joe P provided some delicious Coronas post game, flown in specially from Mexico for the occasion and served Mexican-style (luke cold, to preserve the flavour). 

More pics from the Aces top secret training camp in June:


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Black Aces HC Crush COTHL Competition

For the second year in a row, local hockey team the Black Aces have come out on top of the venerable Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League. The Aces finished a wire-to-wire first place season with a 5-0 sausage-ing of rival team the Wyse Guys, leaving no doubt as to who the class of the COTHL was for 2013-2014.



Goals from Rod, Mark (2), Al, and Mike sent the Wyse Guys packing, with Kevin putting in another perfect game in the net. A total team effort once again.

The decisive win and season also left other teams in the league wondering just what had happened. How could a team that had such humble beginnings turn into such a powerhouse? What was the secret to their success?

Just like the mysterious and mighty Stonehenge, the Black Aces remain inscrutable - a force of nature immune to easy analysis but surrounded by theories, myths and legends. Let’s take a look back...

1990s


In the beginning, there was the Aub. And the Aub said “let there be hockey”, and there was hockey. And it was bad. Really bad. The early days featured a lineup light on talent and even lighter on experience, including a defense corps made up of chain smoking coal miners who could not skate more than three strides without collapsing a lung. They were prodigious brawlers however, which was a good thing since most of the COTHL in those days was ex-boxers, cops, and convicted felons on day parole.

2000


As the millenium drew to a close, the team evolved. Players began skating upright and bought new sticks, smoking in the dressing room was banned, and Paul F stepped up to sponsor the team and provide sweaters that were all the same colour. Black. Black as night. Puck black. Aces Black. The Black Aces were born. The team still had trouble winning, but an unshakeable bond was forming that would carry them through the dark times and onwards towards the distant shining beacon of mediocrity that would be

The mid 2000s


New players arrived, old players retired to become provincial court judges and dubious purveyors of bivalve mollusks, and the Aces slowly but surely became competitive. As the psychopaths and murderers on the other teams were banished and the league became more about ‘skill’ than ‘kill’, the men in black rose through the standings to finally take the championship in the 2007-2008 season. Those were heady days, and the wait staff at Ferros still fondly recall the $20 tip after the end-of-season blowout. Much pizza was consumed that day, my friends, and gallons of beer swigged from the skulls of the Aces’ enemies.

Late 2000s to present day


Although many on the Aces may have felt as if they were part of a nascent dynasty that would extend to eternity, it was not to be. Heartbreak and disappointment were the rule for the next few seasons as the Aces would rule the regular season only to fail in the playoffs. The bitterness of defeat could not be assuaged even by the sweet taste of the Boys That Are Tall nor the many delicious varieties of Ferros pizza. The summers those years were hard, make no mistake.

During the 2012-2013 season it seemed the once-mighty Black Aces, in spite of the excellence of their team sweaters and the inspirational lifestyle of team sponsor and high-altitude entrepreneur Joe P, were in a tailspin. Wins were thin on the ground and goals were as rare as blumpkins at a church picnic. It was looking pretty dire. Even Aces ace netminder Raj C was having trouble keeping his normal laser-like focus after his new bride switched his pre-game ipod playlist from gangsta rap and Norwegian black metal to Justin Bieber and Drake.

Just when all appeared lost, the Aces somehow turned their doomed ship around. Winning the final 4 regular season games and 2 playoff games, the team converted a season of despair into the greatest comeback story in hockey history. New hires Rod and Pete played a big role, injecting new life into the team and helping them to victory.

And now, with the 2013-2014 season done and dusted and 2 consecutive years of awesomeness under their pants, the Aces find themselves talking dynasty once again. A further injection of talent in the form of Mark, Paul and Kevin has made the men in the black shirts a force to be reckoned with. And, just like the mighty Stonehenge, they remain mysterious, rock-like and awe-inspiring.

Great season, you guys. And now please enjoy this not quite safe for work video.




Monday, March 17, 2014

Russian Federation Annexes Black Aces HC

In a development some political analysts are calling 'unexpected', the Russian Federation last week sent armed troops into midtown Toronto to secure the Black Aces Hockey Club, reigning champs of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League.

"Crimea Shmimea" said a laid back Vlad Putin after the surprise move "Ze Ukraine can wait until after the playoffs, when Aces secure glorious victory for Mother Russia."

When pressed for his plans for the little-known hockey club, Putin would not say outright that he sought to have the team moved to Russia, but did make a subtle reference to "a certain Malaysian aircraft" that may have been commandeered to relocate the Aces to Sochi. "We are not using that town any more" said Putin spokesperson Yuri Nidiotski "so will make nice headquarters for Aces hockey team. Many nice apartment there."

Until the final game can be played on March 19, the Aces have each been given a personal lady bodyguard to keep them in tip top shape. Women Russian bodyguards are now in short supply (due to most attractive Russian women now working as strippers) so the Aces' bodyguards all look like this:
Не шутите с Aces, сукин
If that doesn't inspire the team to greatness, nothing will.

For fans of the team wondering what the hell has been happening the past few weeks, here's a recap:

Feb 26: Wyse Guys 5, Aces 3.  A nothing game, and with ski season still in full swing most of the gusy were a little preoccupied. John played backup goal, too bad the team didn't play in front of him. 2 goals for Pete, 1 for Mark.
March 5: Semi final game! Aces 4, Warriors 2. A disputed goal almost ruined the night for the blackshirts, but they did prevail in the end. Single goals went to Jeff, Rod, Pete and Mark. Kevin was back in net and held the fort when it looked like the Warriors were mounting a comeback.
Last week: March break. A snowstorm. A shinny game for those who braved the snow.

And now here we are.


Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Candidates for 2014-2015 Aces Coaching Job Line Up Early

As the 2013-2014 COTHL regular season nears the end, there are already 4 hopefuls vying for the position of Black Aces HC coach for next year. Now that the olympics are done, this is considered the most prestigious coaching job available, so it's no surprise that there is some interest being shown this early.

Here are your potential bench bosses for the upcoming campaign:

Rob Ford

Anything else?
Plus: may be available next fall
Minus: may be in jail next fall
Plus: will bring the beer every week
Minus: will bring the crack every week
Quote:
"Have I coached hockey before? Yes, approximately one year ago, probably in one of my drunken stupors."



John Tory

Hi, I'm John T-zzzzzzzzzzzz
Plus: not a crackhead, as far as we know
Minus: knows nothing about hockey
Quote:
"Well I'm seriously thinking about whether or not I might consider pondering a possible run at the coaching job. I'll let you know. Probably."






David Soknacki

Add caption
Plus: no priors
Minus: unspellable surname
Quote:
"I'm just like Rob Ford but without the crack, so this is a perfect gig for me. Crack is bad for hockey performance, unlike meth, which I am in favour of."







Karen Stintz

Nobody told me about the smell!
Plus: can commandeer TTC vehicles for post-game trip to Ferro's
Minus: wants all Aces to wear figure skates
Plus: likes older men
Minus: wants to redesign the team crest, something in taupe.
Quote:
"I've worked with Rob Ford, so how bad can this job be?"


In actual hockey news, the Aces continue to roll through the COTHL. Last week's game was a 3-2 victory over the Battlers with John from the Warriors in net. Rod sniped a pair and linemate Mark chipped in with another as a lean Aces machine shut down an overstaffed Battlers squad. Again.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Write your own Black Aces blog post

Due to the recent absence of long-time Aces reporter and blogmaster, the team is now offering players and fans the opportunity to write their own fully customizable blog posts.

Simply choose from the available options to create a game report that accurately reflects the results of the most recent Aces
  • game
  • win
  • pleasure skate
  • pizza order
See how easy it is? Now you go:

Black Aces 

  • WIN!!
  • Crush it again
  • Rule!

In the latest in a long line of
  • epic victories 
  • stunning upsets 
  • unexpected wins 
  • beer-fueled slugfests 
local hockey team the Black Aces
  • pulled off 
  • squeaked out 
  • cruised to 
  • laid down 
 a
  • thorough drubbing 
  • last-minute win 
  • total domination 
  • mild scolding 
of their COTHL rivals the
  • Warriors 
  • Wyse Guys 
  • Bloor Battlers 
  • referees 
As has been the case all season long, the Aces defence corps held off the enemy through
  • determination and grit 
  • brilliant strategy 
  • pure talent 
  • blinding good looks 
while the forwards
  • worked their magic 
  • put on a clinic 
  • filled the opposing net 
  • took the night off 

 Opposition players were once again left
  • scratching their heads 
  • holding their d*cks 
  • demanding a urine test 
  • demanding to see birth certificates 

as they have been all season.

Playoffs begin soon, and Aces fans, aka
  • current players 
  • former players 
  • Pete’s son 
  • the zamboni driver 
are/is pulling for a repeat of 2012-2013, when the team took it’s rightful place atop the COTHL.

Now simply fax your game report to Aces' technology consultant Simon C, and he will send out a telex to everyone in his rolodex.

Also, most recent games:
Feb 12: Aces 3, Warriors 2
Feb 5: cancelled due to snow and lack of interest
Jan 29: Aces 5, Battlers 3

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Hockey Canada Announces New Olympic Lineup



After releasing the final lineup for Canada's olympic men's ice hockey team last week, Hockey Canada is reported to be making some last minute changes after the Black Aces' latest COTHL win.

The Aces 6-0 win over the Warriors was so convincing, such an utterly ass-kickingly jaw-droppingly shut-the-F-up-edly work of art that coach Mike Babcock has decided to send the Aces to Sochi instead of the original hand-picked collection of NHL superstars.

"I happened to catch the game on ESPN-22, and what I saw convinced me that the best hope for our nation at the Olympics rests not with Sydney Crosby and a bunch of elite professional athletes, but with the Black Aces Hockey Club. They were a revelation." said Babcock last week. "Also, I've been having these really weird headaches lately. And blacking out a lot too. But I'm pretty sure I saw the best hockey team I've ever seen. They wear the black sweaters, right?"

Hockey Canada officials are not commenting publicly about the surprise changes, except to say they are reviewing the game tapes from the Aces latest win and expect to make a statement soon.

When told of the unexpected development, Aces team Chaplain Ralph R took the news in stride. "After winning the motherf***ing COTHL championship last year, a lot of f***ing people thought we had nowhere to go but down. But I knew we could top that sh*t. And now look, we're off to the goddam olympics. Suck on that, haters."

Other Aces players were a little less cocksure than Ralph.

Pete - "Where is Sushi, anyway?"
Rod - "I'm bringing my own vodka, just in case. Remember what happened in '72 with the steaks"
Paul - "If I can't ride across the border I don't want to go"
Joe H - "They have palm trees there, so count me in"
Paul F - "If I bring my own sweater can I go too?"
Mark - "If I go can I have a sweater?"

Box scores from the epic 6-0 win:

Mark - 3 goals
Pete - 1 goal
Rich - 1 goal
Mike - 1 goal
Kevin - shutout!

I don't yet know how, Crosby, but I swear to you, one day
I will crush your olympic dreams. I promise.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Mark 5, Other Aces 2, Wyse Guys 3

Fellow Black Aces - After our latest game I somehow received the following cryptic email, which appears to have been destined for someone else on the team and sent by a mysterious "J" on a beach somewhere. This was a day after the Aces put a 7-3 hurt on the Wyse Guys, with a 5 goal performance from Mark. That brings his yearly total to something like 50 goals now, more than the rest of the team combined. This in spite of not having an official Aces jersey on his back. The other 2 came from Pete (also jersey-less!) and Rich, with some solid goaltending on the back end from Kevin, yet another of the not-quite-black-Aces. 

You would think management would be pulling out all the stops to get proper jerseys for our new players, given the outstanding contributions made by all of them - Mark, Kevin, Paul, and from last year Rod and Pete. After reading this email you might think something else. 

You be the judge.

To: A 
From: J
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

A - GOT YOUR EMAIL ABOUT THE LATEST GAME, GOOD TO SEE THE TEAM IS BACK ON TRACK. I'D HATE TO HAVE TO STOP YOUR SPECIAL SHIPMENTS DUE TO THE POOR PLAY OF THE ACES. YOU KNOW OUR AGREEMENT. THE TEAM KEEPS WINNING,I KEEP WINNING MY TOTALLY LEGIT MEXICAN-CANADIAN HOCKEY POOL, AND FEDEX KEEPS BRINGING YOU PACKAGES OF THOSE USED CHAMBERMAID'S UNIFORMS YOU LIKE SO MUCH. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM, OK? 

ONE THING - THIS MARK GUY WE SIGNED THIS YEAR, I KNOW HE WANTS A TEAM JERSEY BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES CAN WE GIVE HIM ONE. HE'S SCORING LIKE A MADMAN BECAUSE HE'S HUNGRY. GIVE HIM A JERSEY AND WE TAKE AWAY THE CARROT, THE MOTIVATION. COMPRENDE? TELL HIM IT'S ON THE WAY, TELL HIM IT'S AT THE CLEANERS, TELL HIM WHATEVER YOU LIKE BUT DON'T GIVE HIM A JERSEY UNLESS HE STOPS SCORING. 

SAME GOES FOR THOSE OTHER GUYS, PAUL AND PETE AND ROD AND KEVIN. IF IT AIN'T BROKE DON'T FIX IT, AMIRIGHT? NEW HOCKEY JERSEYS DON'T GROW ON TREES. OR CACTII.

JUST KEEP THE TEAM WINNING, AMIGO. YOUR NEXT SHIPMENT IS ON THE WAY. 

SURF'S UP, GOTTA GO.

J.


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Aces Hobble into 2014

After a great start to the season, local hockey team the Black Aces have hit a bit of a rough patch over the last 3 games. Some decidedly uninspired play may even have resulted in the team scribe being unable to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), leaving tens of hockey fans without their weekly Aces update.

The details of said games are best left to fade into the mists of time, so instead of a full report we present to you know a series of haiku poems whose brevity should serve to shield readers from the full NSFW account of each game.

January 8: Warriors 5, Aces 4

three flukey White goals
a come from ahead effort
afterwards, no beer


December 18: Wyse Guys 9, Aces 4

goalie arrives late
all Wyse Guys shots find the net
are the Aces drunk?


December 11: Aces 3 Battlers 3

the scribe was missing
so cannot verify the score
but one point is good

I feel great shame