Interview With the Rosterbot

This week we are pleased and privileged to have as our very special guest Mr Jian Gomeshi from CBC Radio’s “Q”. He’ll be interviewing Canada’s newest online celebrity, none other than the RosterBot himself. In case you’ve been living in a cave, RosterBot is the personal virtual digital assistant of choice for the Hockey 2.0 crowd, the new generation of web savvy hockey geeks plying their icy trade in beer leagues across the country.

Over to you, Jian.

Jian Gomeshi: Thanks, Aces Scribe and Defender Jeff McCartney. It’s a pleasure to be here. And a big shout-out to the tens of readers of this excellent blog.

So, today we welcome the RosterBot. We’ll be talking about the state of beer league hockey in Canada as well as recent and upcoming events in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, paying particular attention to a team of talented but occasionally underachieving lads known as the Black Aces. RosterBot, welcome.

RosterBot: THANK YOU JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS PLEASED TO BE ON THE SHOW!!

JG: Whoa, that’s loud. Do you think you can turn the volume down just a bit, Rosterbot?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS PROGRAMMED TO SHOUT!! ROSTERBOT IS ALSO PROGRAMMED TO REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON!!

JG: Okay then, I’ll just move back a bit. So, first of all, let’s talk a bit about your story. You began life as a mailing list, before landing a gig as an unpaid intern on a hockey pool website. What was that experience like?

RB: HUMILIATING!! ROSTERBOT WANTED TO CRUSH THE SKULLS OF THE WEAK CARBON-BASED LIFEFORMS THAT ENSLAVED HIM!!

JG: Ok, what was the worst part of those jobs for you?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAD TO RUN WINDOWS XP!!

JG: So you’re a Mac then, not a PC?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS A UNIX MACHINE!! ROSTERBOT HATED HIS JOB BUT COMPILED A HUGE DATABASE OF EMAIL ADDRESSES AND KNOWLEDGE OF NHL HOCKEY TRIVIA DURING WORK HOURS!!

JG: And now you’re living the life of a successful entrepreneur.

RB: CORRECT, JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS LIVING LARGE!!! THE LADIES LOVE ROSTERBOT!!

JG: I’m sure they do. So tell us a bit about the Black Aces. I understand they are your favourite team.

RB: ROSTERBOT PITIES THE ACES!! THEY ARE WEAK FLESHY BAGS OF MOSTLY WATER WHO DISAPPOINT ROSTERBOT WEEK AFTER WEEK!!

JG: Well what is it then that makes you so fond of them in spite of that disappointment?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING THE ACES SINCE HIS DAYS AS AN INTERN AT THE HOCKEY POOL!! THE ACES POST ALL THEIR GAME RESULTS ON THIS BLOG!!

JG: And you enjoy the humorous blog entries, is that it?

RB: ROSTERBOT CANNOT PROCESS JOKES!! HUMOUR MEANS NOTHING TO ROSTERBOT!! ROSTERBOT MERELY ACKNOWLEDGES THE ACES FOR THEIR APPROPRIATE USE OF TECHNOLOGY!!

JG: I see. Well then, what’s been happening lately with the Aces hockey club? How are they doing this year?

RB: THE ACES HAVE ONCE AGAIN ACHIEVED MEDIOCRITY!! A TWO AND TWO RECORD AFTER FOUR GAMES!! THIS SYMMETRY PLEASES ROSTERBOT!!

JG: And how about their last game, which I’m told was October 21 against the... the Wyse Guys, it says here.

RB: A NEGATIVE RESULT!! ROSTERBOT CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW THE ACES CAN LOSE TO A TEAM THEY HAVE PREVIOUSLY BEATEN!! HUMANS ARE PATHETICALLY INCONSISTENT AND WEAK!! THE ACES ALLOWED THE WYSE GUYS TO SCORE 7 TIMES TO THEIR 3, WHICH WERE ALL SCORED ON BACKHANDS!! THIS STRATEGY CONFUSES ROSTERBOT!! ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE PERVIN UNIT PLAYED A SOLID GAME AND WAS REWARDED WITH ONE OF THE GOALS!! ALL OTHER ACES UNITS ACHIEVED NEGATIVE ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE!!

JG: Negative atmospheric pressure - you mean they sucked?

RB: CORRECT!! EVEN THE ROSMARIN AND KING UNITS, WHO ALSO APPEARED ON THE SCORE SHEET!!

JG: Do you think the Aces will have a successful year?

RB: THE CHANCES OF THE ACES ACHIEVING A POSITIVE INTEGER ON THE WIN:LOSS RATIO ARE PRECISELY 51%!! TEAM SPEED IS DECREASING YEAR OVER YEAR DUE TO INCREMENTALLY REDUCING MUSCLE MASS, WORSENING VISION, SLOWING REACTION TIMES DUE TO DIMINISHING NEURAL CAPACITY, AND A DEFENSE CORPS THAT KEEPS GIVING THE PUCK AWAY!! ROSTERBOT IS LOOKING AT YOU, MCCARTNEY!!

JG: And what about next week? What’s ahead for the Aces?

RB: CHECK THE ROSTERBOT WEBSITE, JIAN!! DO YOUR HOMEWORK OR ROSTERBOT WILL COME BACK WITH BILLYBOB THORNTON AND CRUSH YOUR SKULL!! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!

Aces Stun Battlers in Stunning Comeback. Stunning, Really.

In a game that can only be described (apparently) as stunning, the Black Aces pulled off an upset of quasi-biblical proportions last night at the Phil White SportsPlex Facility in midtown Toronto.

In front of no cameras or cheering fans, the black shirts overcame long stretches of awfulness, interspersed with lengthy periods of ineptitude and stupidity to somehow hand the temporarily white-shirted Blue team a 7-4 thrashing.

The Aces fell behind repeatedly, only to claw their way back into the game on the back of a 3 goal performance by Ralph "It's not a slapshot" Rosmarin plus additional markers by Mike King, Aubrey Spring, Brian NuBrian and an especially stunning short-handed goal by your humble scribe and stalwart D-man Jeff "It's definitely not a slapshot" McCartney.

Accurately finding the 5 hole from his own side of centre ice, McCartney's first and possibly last goal of the season almost made up for several blunders in his own end that led directly to goals against.

This game will be remembered (or forgotten, depending on who you talk to) for Raj's replay of last season's playoff-ending clearing 'pass', this time leading only to a harmless mid-game goal whilst his D could only watch helplessly. It will also be remembered for Aubrey's teacherly tongue-lashing of an unimpressed and unrepentant Tall Black Dude from the Red Team who used his guest appearance on the Battlers as an opportunity to create some mayhem in front of the Aces net. For which he was ejected from the game, thus saving himself from a beating at the hands of an enraged Barry "It's a fucking slaphshot, bitch, what are you gonna do about it" Pervin.

Next week is another late game, so let's make sure everyone gets their beauty sleep before the game this time, instead of during the first 2 periods.