Pope Benedict XVI Says Farewell Church, Hello Aces

I'm doing the Wave!

The following is an excerpt from the farewell speech given today by Pope Benedict XVI (aka Joey Ratz) upon his retirement from his position as head of the Roman Catholic Church.

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Venerable Brothers in the Episcopate and in the Priesthood! Distinguished Authorities! Dear brothers and sisters! Thank you for coming in such large numbers to this last General Audience of my pontificate.

I had originally prepared a lovely speech to bid you farewell as I take my leave of the, what do you call it, the Pope thing. Some friendly banter with the Cardinals, a big shout out to God, that sort of thing. However, today I feel it is my responsibility to reveal to you the real reason I’m stepping away from the job.

No, I’m not rejoining the Nazi Party. I don’t like those skinheads, they kind of freak me out to tell you the truth. And it’s nothing to do with inappropriate touching of boys. I’m an old man now, all that’s in the past. Belated apologies to quite a number of altar boys though, the full list is posted on my personal blog if you’re interested.

The real reason I’m taking off the Big Hat is that I’ve decided to devote whatever months or years remain in this material life to supporting the Black Aces Hockey Club of Toronto Canada in their quest to regain the glory that was once theirs.

In recent weeks it seems that God has once again favoured the team, as they have won 3 games in succession. Oh and speaking of succession, a new Pope will be announced very soon I’m told. Personally I’m pulling for Ben Affleck. Did you see him at the Oscars? Such a handsome man… where was I again? Oh yes, the Aces. Three wins in a row.

Earlier in the season I received a special request from Al H. the team Chaplain requesting a special prayer for the team. They were struggling with their dedication to the game of ice hockey, as many of our flock also struggle with the great questions of life; is there a God? Why am I here? What’s this weird lump on my neck? Whatever happened to Paul F?

At first, it seemed as if the Aces had been forsaken. Wins were scarce, absent even. Their faith in Wednesday night hockey itself perhaps called into question. Then, a miracle! New players arrived, seemingly from heaven. Goals were scored, shots were saved, and a win materialized like the Blessed Virgin’s face on a piece of freshly toasted rye bread.

I continued to pray for the team and 2 more wins were bestowed upon them, including last week’s 3-2 victory over the first place Battlers, with goals by new man Dave (2) and veteran Mike (1). Glorious indeed.

And so we come to the end of one era, and the beginning of another. A new Pope will be chosen to lead the Church, and I will continue to watch over the Black Aces as they walk their path of righteousness towards a decent showing in the COTHL playoffs.

May God bless all of you. Go Aces.