Dear Aces, as we grind through this current period of imposed social distancing and/or total isolation, we find ourselves with some time to reflect on the season just past and what we must do to prepare for ultimate victory once hockey becomes a legal activity again.
Please take 30 seconds to ponder the 2019-2020 season and how we can improve for next year. Ready? Begin.
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Good, now that that’s out of the way we can get to more important matters, like “how can I keep from going insane while I’m shut inside my house with my family?”
In the interest of team solidarity and mental health, I have compiled a list of activities guaranteed to combat pandemic-induced anxiety and get us through this trying time.
Please select an activity from the list and provide the rest of the team with regular updates.
Activity #1: Sticks
- Find a tall tree in your neighbourhood.
- Chop it down (be discreet - we don’t want to alert the City).
- Now find a comfortable chair and a sharp knife.
- Your task is to whittle a complete set of sticks for the team in time for the start of next season.
Activity #2: Pizza
- Make a pizza from scratch.
- That includes planting, growing, harvesting and processing your own wheat into flour, and growing and harvesting your own tomatoes and other ingredients.
Optional for non-vegetarians:
- acquire a cow.
- Milk the cow and turn the milk into cheese.
- Humanely slaughter the cow and turn the meat into pepperoni. There are some good videos on YouTube for this.
- deliver slices to each member of team, remembering to maintain your 2 metre safe distance
Activity #3: COVID masks
- go to each player’s home and pick up all the old Black Aces jerseys (we will leave them on the porch for you)
- launder each jersey thoroughly
- cut into 10x10 pieces and sew into N95 compliant face masks
- deliver to your nearest hospital ICU or COVID testing centre
Activity #4: Take a hike
- pack a big lunch
- walk to Mike K’s place (in Bayfield)
- wave to Mike from a safe distance
- collect pack lunch provided by Mike and left on porch
- walk home
- watch for coyotes
Activity #5: Kama Solo
- work your way through all 36 chapters of the Kama Sutra, making sure to try every sexual position at least once
- since you’ll be doing this without coming closer to your partner than 2 metres, this could pose a challenge
- please do not post any photos on Instagram
Activity #6: Clone a clone.
- build a fully functioning lab with all equipment necessary for cloning human life
- kidnap and subdue a high-scoring NHL centreman of your choice. They are all drunk and depressed right now, so this part should be easy
- acquire stem cells from your NHL centreman
- clone him
- very important: have your NHL centreman sign a non-disclosure agreement before releasing him back into the wild
- the clone should be fully grown and ready to skate come opening day next season
If anyone has any other projects or activities they’s like to share, please do.
Stay healthy, Aces. Don’t go out if you don’t have to, and for god’s sake don’t touch anything.
