Aces Resume Mid-Season Tailspin

Only a week after riding high on a stunning one game win streak, the mighty Aces now find themselves languishing in first place in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League after a humiliating loss to the powerful last place Bloor Battlers.

This, remember, comes hot on the heels of an earlier one game losing streak the week before. The unpredictable Aces are now officially in the midst of an all out death spiral. Can second place be far behind?

Game details

The Battlers iced 6 full lines and 8 defense versus the Aces more casual 6-ish forwards and 4 (give or take) D. This disparity would prove the difference in the end, as the Aces could not maintain the necessary pace for the full 3 periods. The Battlers meanwhile were rolling their 6 lines all night with support from a team of massage therapists, nutritionists, and sport psychologists. The Aces never stood a chance.

Aces mountaineering expert Joe Himalaya has promised to level the playing field on his return by keeping the bench fully stocked with top quality Chinese-made oxygen tanks scavenged from the slopes of Everest. Something to look forward to come playoff time.

Final score: 6-2 for the bad guys, but fuck them anyway. They can have their hollow midseason win. Who cares if their star players have started showing up again? The Aces are solid for the playoffs, once all of their star players start showing up. Which should be next week, since we’re back to the early time slot.

In the meantime, please enjoy this week’s video presentation of a turtle having a really good time.

Aces Finally End Devastating One Game Losing Streak

January 27 saw local hockey team Aubrey’s Aces score a decisive 9-3 blowout of league basement-dwellers the Warriors, ending their frustrating losing streak at one game.

“We finally got that monkey off our backs.” said team primatologist Al Heavenrich. “You could tell it was really causing everyone a lot of stress. There were even a couple of fights at practice.”

The Aces were backstopped by backup goalie and team feng shui consultant Aubrey Spring. “We really had a lot of good Qi on our side.” said Spring “Very good energy, especially around our net. Plus it felt great to end that awful one game slide.”

Around the other net, the Aces were all business all the time. Team eschatologist Bruce Harbinson buried the Warriors almost singlehandedly with a hat trick, and callups Alex and Don (?) chipped in with some solid play at both ends of the rink.

Again, the blackshirts were running a short bench, but again, 2 lines and 3 defensemen were all they needed to crush the opposition. The Aces have decided to rest some key personnel, sending Art and Joey to the Far East for top secret Puck Fu training in advance of the playoffs. Good luck, boys. Don’t drink the water.

Aces Mediocre in Meaningless Midseason Match

In their latest game, the Aces HC took a short break from their relentless march to glory to hand the Wyse Guys a false-confidence-boosting victory.

The Blackshirts were down to 2 lines and 4 D, a couple of bodies short of the opposition, who had pretty much a full bench. Not that that was the difference though, as the Aces have proved in the past that they are capable of delivering a whuppin‘ to any other team in the COTHL with or without a full lineup.

Was it a team-wide power failure? A lack of cohesion amongst a normally tight-knit group of dedicated and talented players? No, this was more a case of midseason ennui than a case of being outplayed. These are the dog days of winter, after all, when even highly trained athletes like Maurice Le VanVeghel find it tough to get motivated.

“I am zees way ev-ery Janvier” said a nonchalent Le VV apres le contest, casually smoking a Gitane and clutching a dogeared copy of Camus’ L’Etranger in the team dressing room. “Viss ze ‘oliday saison ovair, I cannot care so much about life. I do not care if ze ozair team zey skate by me, or if zey can score. Meh. My heart she is as black as zees Aces jersey, and ze rats zey have infested my soul.”

No-show Swervin Barry Pervin was even more laid back, deciding to skip the game altogether in favour of catching a TMZ marathon on the Bio channel. “I was going to go to the game, dude, seriously.” said the normally pugilistic Pervin from his Lazyboy armchair. “But I just couldn’t get it together, not with all this vital celebrity news to watch on tv. Did we win? Oh who am I kidding? I couldn’t care less. Never mind. ”

The game was actually a reasonably close affair given the almost complete lack of interest shown by the Aces crew. Down 3-2 with a couple of minutes to go, the team pulled their goalie and did mount a sustained attack, keeping the puck in the Wyse Guys’ end for a good 15 seconds and narrowly missing the tying goal on a shot by Art “I’m going on holiday again next week, so screw this action” Wogrinetz. The Wyse Guys stormed back to fire one into the empty cage, triggering a huge celebration on the red team’s bench. League officials are said to be unhappy with the extent of that celebration, as it involved some over-exuberant firearm use, which of course is strictly limited in the league charter to one (registered) handgun per team.

Another last minute goal by the Wyse Guys made the final score 5-2, but by the time the final puck went into the net most of the Aces were already checking their blackberrys, including goaltender and exciting puck-handler Raj Chockalingam. Raj still thinks the final score was 4-2.

Goal scorers for the Aces: Art with a nice deke in close on the again suspiciously solid WGs keeper, and your humble narrator with a shot from the point that somehow found its way through traffic to the back of the net.

Aces players can expect a friendly phonecall from team sports psychologist Bruce Harbinson, just as soon as his spleen grows back.

Fair and Balanced Aces Attack Results in Another Win

There is an old Icelandic proverb that states "Mediocrity is climbing molehills without sweating". I have no idea what that means, but in their latest outing in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, the first place Black Aces retained their hold on top spot by shutting down the Bloor Battlers in a stunning display of consistency across all positions.

In scientific terms, the Aces might be compared to a flat, featureless Euclidean plane - no highs, but no lows either. Or perhaps we can consider them to be the cosmic background radiation of the COTHL - an all-encompassing energy field of mind-numbing uniformity almost too weak to be detected... until they KICK YOUR ASS. While other teams might ice one or two stars, they are also stuck with some weaker players to balance things out. Not so the blackshirts. No superstars, but no deadwood either. Everyone pulls together in a robotically consistent way to lull the opposition into a false sense of complacency. "How can we not be beating these guys?" you can almost hear the other teams saying to one another "We have one or two stars, but they do not. "

While their opponents scratch their heads in befuddlement, the Fox News-like Aces machine quietly goes to work. Before they know what happened, the game is over and the scoreboard says Aces 4, Bloor Battlers 2. Again.

Goal scorers this week: Rich, Ralph, Mike and Art. Special mention: every other Aces player.

Spear Carriers Carry the Day

Area hockey club the Black Aces put in a workmanlike performance in their most recent game, prevailing 6-4 over the Warriors in spite of hitting the ice without any of their highly paid snipers. It was left to the spear carriers, the plumbers, the Joe Six Packs to grind out the victory.

Where are the pretty boys, you ask? Here:

• Joey Himalaya: Nepal, Mexico, the Playboy Mansion... take your pick. Maybe all three.
• Brian M: still recovering from an arm transplant.
• Brian 2: Sheep 'shearing' in New Zealand.
• Art W: Lamas class with the Missus.
• Andrew: Rib transplant (Honey Garlic)
• Mike: post-christmas rehab

The Aces trades deuces with the Warriors all night, falling behind 2-0 early in the first, only to tie it at 2 with seconds to go in the frame. The second period put the black shirts ahead 4-2 for a while but the Warriors fought back to tie the game again. In the third, Aces D man Jeff atoned for a miserable defensive night with a rare goal to put the team up for good, and then the team added another to complete the deuce.

The win helped the Aces maintain their stranglehold on first place in the COTHL and now puts their unbeaten string for 2010 at one game.

Please join the Aces this wednesday as they attempt to keep their streak alive. Just to keep things interesting, not only will the snipers be asked to stay home but the team will be playing without a goalie. Instead, the nets will be minded by a basket of kittens and a small potted plant.

Stopulon versus the Savenator

Aeons ago, deep in the primordial waters off the coast of what would one day become the island nation of Japan, strange chemicals began to ooze from a crack in the ocean’s floor. The local aquatic life all fled, save for two battling sea crabs who were too focused on fighting one another to notice the deadly chemicals in time to scuttle to safety.

The chemical brew enveloped the duelling crustaceans, causing them to halt their death battle, but not before irreversible changes began to occur inside their crab DNA. Strange new appendages began to appear where before were only claws, and their size increased 1,000-fold until they were the size of modern day men.

As the millennia unfolded, the two creatures, now immortal, would only rarely cross paths. Each time they would re-engage in battle, and each time they battled no winner could be declared and the creatures would lurch away exhausted and frustrated, each vowing to defeat the other the next time they met.

The mutations wrought by their chemical exposure all those years ago did not cease, and each time the former crustaceans did battle they did so as entirely transformed beings.

Flash forward to December 23, 2009. Phil White Arena, Toronto Ontario Canada. This, gentle reader, was the scene of the most recent clash between our two immortal foes, now mutated into the form of deadly efficient puck-stopping machines… Stopulon and The Savenator!



Once again the mighty enemies engaged in battle! And once again no winner could be declared. Stopulon, now playing goal for the Wyse Guys, turned aside a multitude of shots from the dominating Black Aces squad. The Savenator, now in net for the Aces, was equally unbeatable. The game ended in a scoreless draw, and the two ancient foes would once again return to their homes in the deepest ocean to await the inevitable mutations that would prepare them for their next encounter.

PGA to Tiger :“We’re okay without you”. COTHL to McCartney: “Please come back! – Please!”

A big thank you to Special Guest contributor this week, Raj "Raj" Chockalingam, Aces' back-up scribe.

In a stunning development that is spanning multiple sports, star athletes around the globe are disappearing in the midst of scandal and intrigue. First we had the explosive scandal surrounding golf’s Teflon superstar Tiger Woods disappearing into a wake of ladies that all look like his wife (I know right). And now this, Aces' scribe and top 4 blueliner, not to mention, COTHL historian has disappeared in the most bizarre of fashions. Lets take a look at these two parallel situations and their potential ramifications on sport, the global economy and life as we know it.

First, Tiger Woods, since his was the first situation to rip through the media. By now, most of you know the basics of this story. I won’t revisit the particulars as most are familiar and I can’t keep up with the body count. Suffice to say, the PGA without Tiger has put on a brave face and has no fears of smaller prize purses and smaller TV audiences. When asked for comment golf nut Mike “Drive for Show, Putt for Dough” King had this to say “Oh yeah, we can all relate to the average PGA golfer, guys like ‘Trust Fund Jones III’ and ‘Prep School Pete Moneybags’ – give me a break.” Also chiming in was noted Fairway fanatic Art with these sage words “Tigers fist pump or Phil’s super manly tough guy tip of the cap – I’m not even going to dignify that question.” It seems clear to this reporter that Tiger will be missed until his return, whenever that might be. (Editor’s note: See you in April during the Masters, you know that tournament that he owns).

Now for the far more interesting development: Where’s Waldo, er-I mean, where’s Jeff McCartney? This disappearing act is far more bizarre than Tiger’s and even shorter than an Ottawa Senators “playoff run”. In what has been a routine season for the Aces of taking their sweet time getting back to first place everything seemed to be running smoothly. The beer duties were being rotated through the team, which seems to be where our mystery begins. In a week where two sets of beer arrived, it was decided Jeff would bring again the next week, he did and hasn’t been seen since. One has to wonder if this is where it all went wrong. Jeff’s absence has had many strange outcomes. First, since the event Molson has come out with their 67 beer, is it a shot at the Leafs, only Jeff knows. The actual Leafs have been on a streak due to some unknown catalyst, what is it, only Jeff knows. (Editors note: Jeff probably had nothing to do with these things but I couldn’t think of another way to mention them). Last night players from all four teams came to the early game. When asked for comment, Bruce ‘the Moose” Harbinson said “Look I read the write-up to figure out whats going on and …wait, this isn’t about that lazy rosterbot – NO COMMENT!” Others have questioned if the games are even valid without a writeup, poignant pugilist Barry Pervin on Jeff’s absence “Listen my job is to keep the other team in line, especially ‘you know who’ and he was pretty quiet all night, so yeah I did my job” and then he crushed another empty on his head. Weird I know.

So there you have it. Two sports, two stars missing. Well, maybe one isn’t that relevant or interesting, but no one watches golf till April anyway.

(Final Editors note: Aces won – again! Happy Holidays.)