Aces Dominate Post-Season Pizza Event

In a late season move that none of the other teams are still talking about, local hockey club Aubrey's Aces put a serious hurt on the competition in last wednesday's post-season pizza & beer contest.

While the Battlers, Wyse Guys and Warriors casually scarfed the occasional slice and nonchalantly sipped their beers, a determined Aces squad opened up an insurmountable lead in the food & beverage department. 

Lacking the superior bench strength that saw them dominate in 1 of 2 playoff games, the Blackshirts nevertheless were able to destroy several large Ferros' pizzas in record time. Ferros staff were also hard pressed to keep the team's beer jugs full, so great was the Aces' collective thirst (for victory). 

"We had a point to prove" said team gastroenterologist Paul Ferris "and I daresay we proved it tonight with that performance." 

"A total team effort" chipped in coach and alternative vehicle specialist Aubrey Spring "except for the guys who didn't come."

No mention was made of the team's tragic overtime semi-final loss to the Warriors, nor of the consolation round clobbering delivered to the Wyse Guys. Idle chit-chat would only have slowed down the furious rate of pizza and beer consumption, thereby putting the season finale at risk.

*  *  *

A fun season, lads. Let's do it again next year.

Your humble scribe.

Best Wishes From Some Celebrity Fans

In honour of our impending playoff triumph, your humble scribe has rounded up some celebrity tributes to inspire the Black Aces to victory. Behold:

	Ace Bailey "Avenge my senseless death, Aces, or the terrorists win"
	Conrad Black "My bunk muffin and I shall certainly be standing behind the Aces HC 110%"
	Ace Frehley "Hey, where the fuckiz my guitar... you hockey fuckers? You better win or I'll kick yer asses, Aces"
	Ace Ventura, Pet Detective "Allllll righty then! Sic em, boys."
	Black Sabbath "Satan and his minions are ready to assist you. With some heavy rock and/or roll"
	Lemmy "Ace of Spades" Kilmeister "Turn it up to 11, lads. And meet me in the bar after the game."
	The Black Stallion "Wwwwwhhhheeeeerrhhhh"
	Cygnus X-1 (Black Hole) "May your opponents be sucked into your crushing gravitational field, never to be seen again"

So there you have it. An inspiring gallery of well-wishers, Aces fans every one of them.

Aces Feign Weakness in 9-4 "Loss"

After a pair of convincing wins in their previous two games, the Black Aces HC decided to play dead for the Wyse Guys this past wednesday. Laying the foundations for the upcoming playoffs, the Aces handed the WGs a 9-4 decision, thereby instilling a false sense of confidence in the red squad and in the Warriors and Battlers (who had left scouts behind to take in the late game). 

With the regular season standings firmly under their control, the Aces squad took their foot off the gas and coasted to non-victory. The post-game chit-chat barely mentioned hockey at all, so unconcerned were the blackshirt players. Friendly non-hockey banter was the order of the day as the Aces sipped on imported beer, answered blackberrys, compared plans for the weekend and kept each other up to date on the latest ski conditions in Utah, Colorado and B.C. All far more important than ruminating on the game, apparently. 

In preparation for the playoffs, key Aces personnel were engaged in important missions away from the rink. Since opposing team players are unlikely to read this blog, we can safely reveal the nature of those missions:

Art W - is in southeast Asia securing a large quantity of bull semen for pre-game injections for all Aces players. This will ensure that our energy levels are always at a high level. Just how Art is securing that bull semen is between him and the bulls, but for now the team motto is "don't ask, don't tell".

Brian M - is on Easter Island on a quest for the lost amulet of M'tahqltzl, said to give those who possess it the strength of 100 men. This is allegedly how the primitive island society was able to carve and erect those enormous stone statues. If Brian fails on that quest, he has been instructed to bring home a large quantity of Chilean sea bass instead. It won't help the team, but it will make for a nice post-game dinner.

Andrew T - is being fitted for a bionic arm to replace the one he lost last week in an unfortunate skate-swinging incident. We will be keeping the old arm on the bench during the playoffs to help handle the gate on line changes.

Joe H - is on a mission to fly some Tibetan prayer flags from Camp 3 on Everest in time for the start of the playoffs. Since the weather on Everest during March is apparently 'challenging', his plan B involves flying 6 pairs of girls' panties from the front flap of his tent. How that helps the team Joe would not say, but we do appreciate the effort.

One more regular season game next week, boys. Don't forget to have your non-hockey conversational topics ready for after the game - there have recently been some unfortunate instances of players bringing up actual game events in the post-game discussion groups. This contravenes the team charter, section 8 paragraph 6ii, "Acceptable Subjects for Post-Game Discussion" which clearly states that 'no player shall mention any play, non-play, instance or occurrence from the game just played' during the apres game cooldown. You have been warned.

Roster Cutbacks Spur Growth in Aces' Bottom Line

Another week, another 8 goal performance. *yawn*.

Despite missing several high profile and highly paid sharpshooters, the Black Aces HC put together their second 'snowman' in a row this week, downing the Bloor Battlers (in their white 'away' jerseys) by a final count of 8 to 1.

Alleged mountain climbing expert Joey 'Himalaya' Himalaya made a surprise appearance and bagged a trio of nice goals in what he swears will be his final appearance of the season. Andrew also potted a pair, and rounding out the scoring were NewBrian, Aubrey and Maurice.

It seems now that the optimal configuration for the Aces is 6 forwards and 3 defense, so any players in excess of these numbers will now be sent home, says team coach and disciplinarian Aubrey S. "We can't have all these extra bodies clogging up the bench and interfering with our new system" he said after the game. "We need to stay lean and agile in order to facilitate proper on-ice networking opportunities and maximize shareholder return."

Rumours are swirling that the team may in fact be forced to cut its workforce further, due to the recent economic downturn. Team accountant and backstop Raj C. would not confirm this, but did say that the club is leaving all options on the table. "We have to do what is necessary to ensure an acceptable ROI" said the goalie "If that means trimming some of the higher profile players from the payroll then we can't rule that out. The pick-and-shovel guys have proven to be extremely effective at providing a positive balance on the scoresheet and we can't afford to ignore that. During these uncertain economic times we have to protect the long-term viability of the franchise by being fiscally prudent, while simultaneously ensuring on-ice success."

Aces' forward Brian M, currently on a luxury tour of Easter Island, was unavailable for comment.

Other Aces' forward Paul F, also currently on a ski vacation in British Columbia, was also unavailable, but probably would have had some smartmouth comment anyway.

Other other Aces' forward Art W, also also currently on vacation in Thailand, would say only (via his agent) that he expects the current labour situation to have a 'happy ending', and that although he has no control over the operation of the team he would be willing to accept 'full release' if it came to that.

Aces Lay a Bleaching on the Warriors

Wednesday February 4th saw the Aces HC return to their first place form as they put a serious hurt on a befuddled Warriors sqaud. After giving up 2 goals in the first minutes of the game, the Blackshirts settled down to some disciplined hockey, storming back with 8 goals before the final buzzer mercifully sounded.

Highlights of the game were the exuberant and creative celebrations the team mounted after each tally. This was a sore point for the losing white team, but the Aces would not be denied. A lovely tip-in by Bruce H in the first period was followed by an end-to-end sprint with a quadruple lutz right in front of the white bench, all the while urinating over their heads and whistling God Save the Queen. Newcomer Brian potted one and surprised his new teammates with a specially made neon sign aimed at the opposing bench. The words 'SUCK IT, BITCHES!' flashed on and off in time with Queen's 'We Are the Champions' as played by a band of circus monkeys. Al H bagged a lovely point shot in the 2nd and celebrated by killing (with a crossbow) and eating a wild boar at centre ice. He had apparently been keeping the boar in his pants the entire game, waiting for his big moment. 

There were many other goals, now lost to the mists of time and poor record-keeping, but the memories of the tasteful celebrations remain: the chorus line of Vegas-style dancing girls in full SS regalia, the flyover by the Snowbirds aerial acrobatic team, and of course who could forget the impromptu ceremony with the Tour de France podium girls, the donkeys and the fire extinguishers? Good times.

This was the final game of the season for team sponsor and debauchery expert Joey Himalaya. Poor Joe is off to Nepal to shepherd a gaggle of teenage runaway girls up to 'base camp' in a heroic and selfless attempt to cure them of their debilitating nymphomania. The Black Aces HC wishes to extend our hearty thanks for the sweaters, and also wishes to remind Joe that we still need a 'stick girl' for next season.

Next game: Feb 11th, 9:30-ish against the Battlers. 

Aces Win the Hard Way

The details are a little fuzzy now since the game was played nigh on a week ago, but last wednesday's tilt against the Bloor Battlers (I know I say we play them every week, but this time we really did. I checked the schedule) was as close to an actual battle as the gentlemen of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League are likely to get.

Taking a 2-0 lead early on with goals by Rich and Ralph, the Aces could not hang on. The BBs used their natural orneriness to hack, slash and cheap-shot their way back to tie the game.

The third period saw lots of body contact and end-to-end action, as I recall, with at least a dozen highlight reel plays from either team. Aubrey was spectacular in the net for the Blackshirts, our D was sensational, and every forward executed at least one NHL-caliber deke on the Battlers' defense. Um, what else do I remember... yes, we all looked 20 years younger, faster and better-looking, there was a huge crowd (of mostly young nubile women in tight pants) in the stands cheering us on, and several players were being evaluated by pro team scouts.

The winning goal came on a superb spin-around play by Ralph. You can see it on YouTube where it now stands as the number 1 video in human history after just one week.

The Aces played smart hockey after taking the lead, holding off the charging Battlers even while a man down in the final minute of play. A well deserved win that showed the lads can win one the hard way, and that proved that all that high-altitude training in Nepal was worth it.

Disabled Athlete Spurs Aces to First Win of 2009

In one of the all-time most inspiring moments in sporting history, former Aces' sniper and now partially disabled athlete Brian McCabe showed his able-bodied teammates this past wednesday just how handi-capable he could still be. 

McCabe turned in a miraculous, some might say freakish, four-goal performance in his first game since the leaves were still on the trees. Assisted by the unselfish play of wingman Ralph R, and wearing only a generic tattered jersey from his former glory years on the Ferris & Quinn squad, the now lumbering centreman somehow managed to beat the Wyse Guys keeper four times. Hobbled by a tragic groin injury, McCabe showed you don't need speed or agility to still be a presence in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League.

Andrew bagged an additional pair to give the Aces a 6-4 win, even though the rest of the team tried hard to give the game away most of the night. Sloppy defensive play together with some baffling calls from the officials (including 2 disallowed goals for the Aces and an offside tally for the red squad) were not enough however, and the Aces hung on for the victory.

After the game McCabe was quickly submerged in an icebath and was unavailable for comment. Team cryogenics specialist Bruce Harbinson would not speculate on his chances of playing in next week's contest. He did say however that the club was engaged in negotiations to bring back former defenceman Mike Brown, now living out his days as a disembodied head in a jar of liquid nitrogen.