Aces Apply Themselves

Are you kidding me?

With the team going through a bit of a rough patch lately, Black Aces executives and past administrators have been trying to find a new home for the team. No luck yet, but here are the replies to a few of the recent attempts that were made to find a way to get some Ws under the team belt and get everyone’s mojo back.

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Men’s Over 70 division of the Central Toronto Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on age requirements. No one under the age of 70 is permitted in this division.

We thank you for your kind offer of “20 minutes alone with Zamboni Girl or a player of your choice” but frankly this is making us just a little uncomfortable. We are going to have to decline at this time. 

Perhaps when your players have all attained the required minimum age we can revisit your application.

Best regards,

Jack McDonald

CTOHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Ok, so that one didn't go so well. Here's another:

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Over 40 division of the Central Toronto Women’s Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on gender requirements. No one who is not actually a woman is permitted in this division and I’m afraid a team of all men does not qualify no matter how some of them may ‘identify’. Your offer to fill out the team with “a couple of broads” is something I would prefer not to comment on at this time.

Best of luck finding a home for your hockey club. Please do not contact us again.

Jane Manly

CTWHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Jeez, women. Amirite? Next: 

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Minor Atom division of the East York Minor Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having I’m afraid there must have been a mixup, since as you may be aware the EYMHA does not have an adult division. The Minor Atom division is actually for 13 year old players, not players with 13 year old equipment as stated in your application.

Perhaps some of your team may have children or even grandchildren that would be the appropriate age? 

Thanks again and all the best. 

Hugo Dirtwhirler

EYMHA President and COO

Ouch. Ok, let's see another one.

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Senior division of the Canadian National Institute for the Blind Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on vision requirements. No player may have more than 10% vision, and if I understand your application correctly then the Aces do not qualify no matter how poorly they are ‘seeing the ice’ this year.

Good luck. It sounds like you need some.

Dorothy Diggler for

Richard Richardson,CEO CNIBHA

Could have seen that one coming, to be honest. Ok, last one:

Dear Sirs, 

Merry Christmas! And thank you for writing to Santa! Normally Santa gets all kinds of letters from boys and girls around the world asking for presents, so Santa was a bit surprised to find an application to enter the 250th annual Elfs Invitational Hockey Tournament from the Black Aces. 

Your application was very interesting, and even though Santa doesn’t like to see any boys or girls not having a good season, the Elfs tourney does have some strict rules about, you know, being an elf. Do you have any elves on your hockey team? I didn’t think so.

Santa is a very busy man, especially at this time of year. Maybe the next time you think about writing with a crazy idea like entering your hockey team into an ‘elves only’ tournament you’ll think twice before going through with it.

Enjoy your lump of coal this Christmas.

Santa F. Claus

King of the North Pole

I think the lesson here is 'do not fuck with Santa'. 

Looks like we are stuck in the COTHL for the time being, Aces. Let's make sure we get off to a great start in 2019. 

The cup belongs to US.

Aces Continue Domination of Bottom Half of COTHL

Like the Tallest Mountain in Florida, the Black Aces continue to dominate the bottom half of the COTHL in 2018.

Still finding momentum from their thrilling second place finish in last season's playoffs, the now Aubrey and Rich -less Aces have settled into a mid-season groove. Middle of the year, middle of the pack. That's just how these middle-aged blackshirts roll.

"Sure Blue and Red have made some acquisitions and gotten younger and faster" said Aces Victrola Repair Man Pete D "but eventually they'll be just as old as we are, and then we'll see who's best." Team mathematician Pete S was not available for comment.

"As long as the Warriors continue to self-destruct, we'll be fine." added team 8-Track Stereo Technician and defender Mike M "and that's not all that bad."

Not all the Aces are so happy with the situation, however. As a final contribution to the team before heading off to his new life of skiing and beach lounging, Rich W engaged a professional HR specialist to recruit some new legs for the team. "Results haven't been as good as I expected so far" said Rich after the Aces' recent 5-0 victory over (who else) the Warriors. "The company is called BroLine and their ad promised me I could find some studs, but none of the guys they've sent me so far can even skate and none of them were wearing shirts for their interview. Weird. I think I found someone though - maybe not so good in the room but great on the ice."

Almost made the team. Wrong sport.

Poor language skills. Nope.

Too 2-dimensional. Next.

We're talking with his agent as we speak.

Aces D Man Called Up by the Leafs

Who is that guy up in the greens?

In their most recent COTHL outing, the Black Aces were without long-time D Man and scribe Jeff M as he was busy attempting to crack the lineup of the Toronto Maple Leafs. A detailed account of the attempt in the form of diary entries and texts sent to the Leafs staff is herewith provided for your edification and amusement.

* * *

6:45pm – met with friend and Leaf fan Maurice G at C’est What for carb-loading and pre-hydration. Changed into full equipment in the men’s room before heading out for the Scotiabank Arena.

7:25pm – got into a scuffle with rink security as they would not let me bring in my sticks. After a heated discussion and threats of violence they agreed to place my sticks on the Leaf bench for later. I’m not sure they believed that I had a legit tryout with the team, to be honest.

7:30pm – Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Yo, Mike! Jeff here, I’m ready to rock. Pre-game warmup completed. I’m in section 323, so if you need me to take a shift I need about 8 minutes lead time to get down to the bench. Say hi to Austin for me.

7:32pm Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Hola Mike - just a reminder that you haven’t signed Willie Nylander yet and I’m asking for a lot less than he is. For the first year anway. Go Leafs!

1st period

16:23 – Austin Matthews sets up John Tavares. 1-0 Leafs. That didn't take long.

Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Hi Mike! Sweet setup by AM on that one. Nice finish by JT but I bet I could have put that one in too. Just sayin’. Still ready to go when you need me. Got the helmet on and everything. GO LEAFS GO!!

7:50pm – beer sure is expensive here at the Scotiabank Arena. Also, it’s pretty tough to drink through my cage, I’ve spilled about half of the 2 beers I’ve had so far. I better pick up the pace, I could get the call from the coach at any minute.

12:22 – San Jose ties it up. Leafs D look pretty weak, tbh.

Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Babs, WTF? Who taught Hainsey how to block a shot? Even I know you don’t turn your back on the shooter like that. I think maybe he needs to sit a shift or two, know what I mean? #totallyreadytoplay

16.3 seconds left in the first period – Amazing goal, Mitch breaks a stick and grabs one off the bench on the fly, rejoins the rush and sets up JT for his second. 2-1 Leafs. I’m way into my fourth brewski. This game is costing me a fortune but it will be worth it when I sign a sweet deal with the team.

Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Hey Babcock, I’m pretty sure Marner grabbed one of MY STICKS off the bench to set up that goal. That's an assist. I’d better see my name on the game sheet, pal. #stillreadytoplay

2nd Period

18:07 Patrick Marleau roofs one to put the Leafs up 4-1. Mike Babcock has started blocking my texts. I’ll have to switch to Twitter and just @ him from now on.

I wonder how the Aces are doing.

15:42 – San Jose make it 4-2. Again with that Hainsey character.

Tweet - @mdbabs HEY BABCOCK WHY YOU PLAYING THAT BUM HAINSEY? I’M RIGHT HERE, MAN. SECITON 323 FFS. #PUTMEINCOACH #GOLEAFSGO #RONHAINSEYISADOUCHE

Reply from @mdbabs:

Dude I am NOT the Leafs coach. It says so right on my profile, ffs. Stop tweeting at me.

3rd Period

9:02 – Austin Matthews again. Damn that guy is good. 5-2 Leafs.

Tweet – hey @mdbabs, why are you avoiding me? I can see you from here in section 323 ya know. It would be so easy to throw this beer right at your big fat leafs coach head!!!!! #GOSHARKSGO

Hey the Sharks bag one. 5-3 Leafs now.

Tweet – HA HA LEAFS. Sharks are gonna come back and WIN because @mdbabs is a big poopyhead and Hainsey SUCKS and if I was on the ice it was gon be sljkoirn covfefe bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb