Aces 1, Technology 0

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Local ice hockey team the Black Aces faced off last week against not only their COTHL rivals the Warriors but against modern technology itself.

Warriors spokesperson P.R. Deltoid explains: “The team has invested heavily in research and development in the off season, and our R&D department has created something we think is going to take us to the league championships this year - the GoalieBot.”

The GoalieBot, said Deltoid “is the perfect merger of robotics, AI and the Internet of Things. Advanced algorithms control its movements in the net, making it the perfect goaltender.

“Unfortunately the GoalieBot is not quite finished yet.”

While the R&D lab puts the finishing touches on their invention the Warriors have had to rely on an earlier version, GoalieBot RC. While still robotic, GoalieBot RC is remotely controlled by an off-site human goalie. With mixed results.

Last week’s game began normally enough as the Aces and Warriors fought to a 2-2 draw in the first period. With the Aces up 3-2 a little while later, the remotely controlled GoalieBot RC system started to show signs of what looked like a lack of proper quality control.

Aces defender Mike M lobbed a shot from beyond the red line that the Warriors keeper failed to stop, or even see. It was downhill from there, as the Aces put pucks in the net on the regular for the rest of the game, eventually building up an 11-2 lead before taking their foot off the gas.

So, was this a mechanical malfunction? Not quite, according to spokesman Deltoid - “GoalieBot RC was found to be functioning normally during the post-game diagnostic analysis. Turns out our remote operator was deliberately letting in as many goals as she could.”

She?

“Yes, a young lady who goes by the name Zamboni Girl? We hired her on the recommendation of one of our players who went on a hot Tinder date with her. She said she knew the league and had inside knowledge of how the Aces like to shoot, so we thought she’d be perfect. Live and learn, I guess.”

Final Score: Aces 11, Warriors 5. Goal scorers: pretty much everyone.

Local Hockey Team Running Candidates in Federal Election

Lawn signs really do work

Local hockey team the Black Aces are running in a key Toronto area riding as the federal election comes down to the wire. While the so-called major parties run their candidates ragged by flying them all over the country in an effort to secure votes, the Black Aces Party has taken a different approach. The entire team is on the ballot in the riding of Toronto - St. Pauls.

Not each individual player - the team itself is the candidate. Voters can choose the Black Aces HC to represent their interests in Ottawa for the next four years.

“The team is offering Canadians - ok, a few select Canadians - a new alternative to the same old politics” stated team PR Chief Mike K during an interview with your scribe “Rather than have just one over-worked person looking after the needs of the constituents, the Aces have assembled a team of 15 dedicated beer league hockey players to the job. That way we can cover more ground in the riding and address everyone’s concerns.”

Flyers dropped off at residents’ homes over the past few weeks lay out the Black Aces platform, which includes some innovative and creative solutions to problems faced by Canadians not just in the Toronto-St. Pauls riding but across the country. A few examples:

Climate Change - the party proposes we lower the boiling point of water to 95 degrees C in order to save energy and lower emissions. The party will also convert all zambonis to electric.

Carbon Tax - the party will abolish the carbon tax and instead shift it to a totally different element in the periodic table: helium. The Helium Tax will raise the same amount of money as the Carbon Tax but will do so entirely on the backs of children’s birthday parties.

Foreign Policy - all foreign policy disputes will be settled by way of ice hockey matches played at Phil White Arena. This will give Canada an edge over every other nation on earth, except maybe Russia.

Legalization of beer - The Aces have put together a proposal to make beer legal… in hockey arena dressing rooms right across this great land. In fact, all arenas will be required to provide a fully stocked beer fridge in every dressing room. Even minor league players will be permitted to knock back a cold one after their games as long as they can get a ride home with their dad.

Toronto-St Pauls voters are invited to Ferro’s on St Clair on election night to celebrate with the team.

In the run-up to the election, the team pulled out another victory over red (Wyse Guys), this time with a come-from-behind never say die all for one and one for all effort. Final score: Aces 4, Wyse Guys 3. Scorers: Blair with 2, Mike with one and returning special guest James with a single. Solid game in net from John Goalie. The team also welcomed back Pete S, who managed to get penalized after a completely out of character altercation with an opposing player. Crazy.

Aces Dominate Nuit Blanche Festivities

After a 2 year hiatus, local hockey team the Black Aces have returned in 2019 to dominate the annual Nuit Blanche event in Toronto. Local art and beer league hockey lovers are thrilled to have the Aces back, as the last 2 Nuit Blanche events were widely considered Nuit Blah.

Aces art historian and silk cravat salesperson John M was on hand to give your scribe the highlights from what was definitely a milestone in Toronto art/hockey history.

“Not since Dave Bidini completed his ‘Fifty Slashes in Fifty Minutes’ performance piece at Moss Park Arena in 1994 has avant garde art combined with ice hockey so successfully” said a tired but happy John at 4am sunday. “The Aces stole the show with their bold vision and excellent playmaking.”

Your scribe did manage to visit several installations across the city and can confirm that the blackshirts did indeed make their presence felt.

This brilliant sculpture, entitled simply “7” depicts the total number of league championships the Aces are predicted to win before the eventual collapse of the biosphere and the extinction of all life as we know it. The team is already at 5. Just saying.

In this dramatic piece, onlookers are awed into submission by the projection of an enormous letter ‘A’ against a brilliant white background. The bent over tree represents the broken dreams of the other teams in the COTHL, while the bridge symbolizes a connection to the legions of past Aces players whose shoulders the current team stands upon.

Other installations included an interactive exhibit where visitors were given the opportunity to shotgun a tallboy and then crush it with a giant metal boot. Very popular, although not as popular as the Zamboni Girls Gone Wild exhibit. Too bad that one got shut down by Toronto Public Health. Something about illegal use of domestic animals and misuse of city ice cleaning equipment.

In actual hockey news, the Aces did pull off another win in their most recent match. The Warriors were the victims this time in spite of recruiting several players from blue and red to bolster their bench. The Aces rolled over them 7-3 anyway.  Many players scored - Blair, uh, Pete D and a couple of others. Sorry, didn't take notes this week.