A Future History of the Black Aces HC

With the decade almost over and the 2020s about to begin, your humble Black Aces HC scribe thought it would be appropriate to consult a well-known psychic to see what 20-20 visions could be seen for the future of the club. The following is a brief history of the future of the Aces as told to me by Madame Zamboni, professional psychic and mother of Aces superfan Zamboni Girl. Her predictions (extrapolated from the Aces' 2-2 tie with the Battlers in their final game of the decade)  have been paraphrased due to her thick Torontonian accent.

2020 - the Aces achieve greatness again, as they slip into the playoffs and somehow surprise everyone else in a 4 team league by putting it all together for the final 2 games of the year. Goalie John, his ruined catching finger finally healed, returns just in time to lead the team with consecutive shutouts. The Aces get their name on the cup for a sixth time, but the cup is lost in July when Al drops it over the starboard side of his sailing sloop into the depths of Lake Superior.

2022 - President Trump decrees that all NHL players in U.S. cities must be ‘naturally born Americans, no foreigners. They are not sending their best, believe me.’ The Aces pick up several Canadian ex-pros including Mitch Marner, although Morgan Rielly does not crack the D lineup and has to join the Warriors instead. COTHL championship #7 for the Aces.

2028 - Advances in cybernetics enable formerly retired Aces Aubrey and Rich to return to active duty, Aubrey with robotic hips, shoulders, ankles and knees and Rich with an atomic-powered heart. The team cruises to championship #10. Prime Minister Ford presents the team with the Order of Canada and a lifetime supply of Black Aces stickers.

2030 - All air travel is banned in an effort to lower global greenhouse gas emissions, and Aces utility man Joe Himalaya is stranded at a ‘seniors only’ kite-surfing event in Hawaii. He makes it back to Toronto by kite-surfing the Pacific Ocean and hitch-hiking across Canada with his 22 year old girlfriend, just in time for the playoffs. The Aces slip into the playoffs and somehow surprise everyone else in a 4 team league by putting it all together for the final 2 games of the year. Championship #13 is in the books.

2035 - The COTHL switches to E-sports mode, made necessary when climate change makes it impossible to create ice. Phil White Arena is converted to a government marijuana grow-op. Zamboni Girl is hired as head of hydroponics but is fired after one week when she floods the entire crop in one night.

2040 - Canada annexes the good parts of the now disintegrating United States, moves the capital to Edmonton to take advantage of the balmy weather. Aces hire William Shatner as their official spokesman but have to suspend him when he beats the crap out of former U.S. President Bernie Sanders at the grand opening of a new Aces-themed Tim Hortons in Fort MacMurray. Toasters become sentient. The last remaining fish is purchased for $140 million by McDonald’s and then quickly processed into the last remaining fish sandwiches. The sandwiches are sold for $10 million each to Elon Musk, now living in an orbiting space station (SpaceStationX) with Baron Trump and a harem of cybernetic supermodels.

2060 - Roving bands of intelligent toasters hunt humans for sport. The Black Aces barricade themselves inside their world headquarters, formerly Ferro on St. Clair Avenue. Now fabulously wealthy from their E-sport winnings, the Aces cut a deal with the toasters - 600 kilos of fresh raisin bread in exchange for safe passage to the Aces orbiting space station (formerly SpaceStationX), where all ex-Aces players are kept in cryogenic suspension until the start of the playoffs. Once aboard the station, the Aces revive their frozen teammates, then slip into the playoffs and somehow surprise everyone else in a 4 team league by putting it all together for the final 2 games of the year.

For a past history of the Aces, please see this post:

https://aceshockeyclub.blogspot.com/2014/03/black-aces-hc-crush-cothl-competition.html

Aces in Trouble With PETA

Local hockey club the Black Aces HC this week received a surprise letter from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). In it, the world wide organization famous for jailbreaking lab animals and throwing blood on old ladies in fur hats accused the team of perpetrating unnecessary cruelty on COTHL rivals the Warriors, whom they likened to defenceless puppies or lambs.

“Your recent 7-0 stomping of the white team has crossed a line” the letter said “and we are not going to stand by and let this cruelty continue. You have been warned.”

Aces furrier and new forward Blair C was unsure of what the letter implied. “I personally love pita bread and I’m not sure why this organization is mad at us. Will they pelt us with falafels? I mean, that wouldn’t even hurt. I don’t get it.”

Team forensic psychologist and D-man Al H was able to read the entire letter from PETA and draw some conclusions. “The letter says here in the 14th paragraph, and it’s hard to make out under what looks like smears of fake blood and animal poop, ‘we consider your treatment of the Warriors team to be equivalent to the cruel treatment of factory farmed veal cows, or the abhorrent game of squirrel polo, or the Kitten Stomper.’ I disagree, but then again I only played squirrel polo in college so i could be wrong about that. ”

The Warriors were copied on the threatening letter, and provided an official response to PETA and the Aces:

Dear PETAphiles, in your recent letter to the Black Aces HC you compared the Warriors HC to ‘a basket of helpless puppies being bludgeoned to death by a merciless gang of handsome superheroes’ We strenuously object to this description and hereby demand a retraction. While your description of the Aces as handsome superheroes is accurate, we must disagree with your baseless assertion that they are without mercy. In our most recent game against these fine gentlemen they showed great restraint in keeping their goal count to under 10. For this act of mercy we are truly thankful. We will expect your retraction within a fortnight, otherwise we will be forced to take action. Also, what is a Kitten Stomper? You people are sick.

A copy of the PETA letter is available for viewing in the Aces head office, where it is framed and displayed prominently next to their 5 league championship trophies.

Aces Play “Perfect” Game

Tremendous.

United States president Donald Trump has become known for making surprising and unexpected statements, but his latest press scrum on the White House lawn was more surprising than most. Sources close to the president are trying to keep his statements under wraps as they may be further evidence of encroaching senility, but your humble scribe has contacts inside the White House who have provided us with a transcript of his statements. Behold.

NBC NEWS: Mr President, what is your response to the allegations of improper conduct during negotiations with Ukraine?

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve heard what the do-nothing Democrats are saying about the Aces, and believe me they are wrong. They say the Aces lost 6-0 to the Wyse Guys last week but that’s fake news. Fake news.

CBS NEWS: Sir?

DJT: The Aces played a perfect game. It was so perfect, maybe the most perfect game that’s ever been played. I know a lot about the ice hockey, some people say I know more about it than anyone in the universe, and believe me the Aces played the most beautiful, perfect, tremendous game of ice... hockey last week. Every shift was outstanding. Tremendous.

NEWSWEEK: Mr President what are you actually talking about?

DJT: I’m talking about the Black Aces Hockey Club. They make me so proud to be an American, because they are fine Americans who play perfect hockey. No collusion, no quid pro quo, just beautiful beautiful hockey. Skating, passing, shooting, they are the very best hockey team to ever play the game.

COTHL WEEKLY: There were reports that the ice at Phil White Arena was substandard last week Mr. President. Do you agree?

DJT: That is a lie. Only the lying liberal media would say such a thing and you should be ashamed of yourself. The ice was pristene. Perfectly zambonied by an outstanding zamboni operator, maybe the best ever.

COTHL WEEKLY: Are you referring to Zamboni Girl?

DJT: Never heard of her, but if I did know her then it was only as a friend, and if it was as more than a friend then it was only once or possibly nine or ten times. I barely knew her. Please talk to Rudy about that. Whom I also barely know, by the way.

CBC NEWS: Are you saying the Aces won last week?

DJT: What I’m saying is that as of today I am imposing tariffs on the blue and red teams. They are very bad people and they’ve said some nasty things about me, very untrue by the way. I’m imposing these tariffs that they will have to pay because from now on it’s Aces first. Aces. First.

Thank you that's all for now. God bless America and the beautiful game of ice hockey.