Black Christmas

The F*** is wrong with you guys?

In their most recent game against cross-town rivals the Bloor Battlers, local hockey legends the Black Aces suffered what appeared to be a power failure in the late going, eventually falling 4-3 to the blue team in white sweaters.

“The cause of the late game fade is still under investigation” said team professional shopper Rod P after the game. “We have a team of psychics working day and night to determine the source of this tragedy and will be holding a press conference as soon as results have been verified.”


Just in case the root cause of the crash is a lack of inspiration, your humble scribe has contacted his good pal Santa, and in the spirit of Christmas hereby offers a quick fix in the form of presents for players who play nice, and punishments for players who make naughty plays.

Naughty Play	Result
clearing pass giveaway	lump of coal in hockey bag
offside	can of Old Speckled Hen
screening the goalie (no goal)	two cans of Old Speckled Hen
screening the goalie (goal)	an actual old speckled hen
not back-checking	A full-back tattoo of a unicorn done by Guido at Tats R Us. Guido is legally blind, 90 years old and has Parkinsons disease.
suicide pass to the blueline	Suicide wing sauce applied liberally to the “gentleman’s area”, followed by 60 minutes in a dry sauna.
allowing a soft goal	A one year cancellation of player’s viagra prescription
forgetting the beer	a Tinder ‘date’ with Zamboni Girl. On an actual Zamboni.

Nice Play	Result
actually playing the correct position	one free beer at Ferro’s
getting the goddam puck out of the defensive zone	prime parking spot at Phil White Arena
an ugly goal	a pair of tickets to a Leafs game
winning a faceoff, offensive zone	dinner with Bill Shatner
stopping a 2 on 1	A "2 on 1" with Zamboni Girl and her friend Tractor Chick. They'll show you what a snow plow is.
a pretty goal	a pair of tickets to a Marlies game
the winning goal in the playoffs	brunch with God
bringing the good beers	a Tinder ‘date’ with Zamboni Girl's mom. On an actual Zamboni.

And just in case this didn't inspire / put the fear of God into you, here's a little extra inspiration for all the Aces players. Headphones on, volume way up. Maybe not watch this one at work. Hint: stay with it, it gets interesting at around the 2:30 mark.

Aces Recap and General Parade Plans

After a brief hiatus, it's time to catch up on what the Black Aces have been up to this year.

October 7: Aces 4, Bloor Battlers 2

Date: October 8, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Dear Stan,

Great talking with you today at the store. Please accept this email as confirmation of my order for equipment and supplies for the end-of-season victory parade for the Black Aces Hockey Club. Here’s the order again:

• 2 extra long flatbed trailers
• 3 bouncy castles filled with champagne-flavoured foam
• 6 stripper poles (2 red, 2 silver, 2 gold)
• 12 exotic dancers (6 plus-sized, 6 in regular skank-size)
• 12 cases of Dom Perignon on ice
• 1 generator truck, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests U2
• 100 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 10 fog machines
• 2 complete laser lighting rigs
• 1 suckling pig, roasting on a spit
• 8 drones with 3D high-definition video cameras to record the parade

If you could talk to your connection in the Canadian Air Force about that flyover that would be great. I’ll see if we have it in the budget.

Regards,

Aubrey

---

October 28: Aces few, Battlers way more

Aaaaaaaaaaaay-Seeeeeeeeezzzz!!!!!!!

Date: October 29, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Hey Stan,

Just a quick note to update my order for the Aces’ victory parade. Maybe cancel that second extra long flatbed, the guys in Nickelback say they only need a regular sized one for their gear. Here’s the rest of the order now, with a couple of other small changes:

• 1 extra long flatbed trailer, 1 standard length
• 2 bouncy castles filled with Gillette foamy shave cream
• 3 stripper poles (1 red, 1 silver, 1 gold)
• 6 exotic dancers (all plus-sized)
• 12 cases of Baby Duck
• 1 generator truck, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests Nickelback
• 100 10 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 10 pounds of dry ice and laundry tub
• 2 20’ strings of LED Christmas lights
• 1 honey glazed ham, in the tin
• 8 drones 1 Ryerson grad with a GoPro, on a bicycle, to record the parade

Thanks bro,

Aubrey

---

November 18: Aces 7, Battlers 4

Date: November 19, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Yo, Stan, ‘sup?

You know that order I placed a while back, the one I made the changes to? I think I need to make a couple more. I swear this is my final update. The Aces are as good as gold to win the COTHL again this year. Here we go:

• 2 extra long flatbed trailers
• 3 bouncy castles filled with champagne-flavoured foam and condoms
• 3 8 stripper poles (4 black, 2 silver, 2 gold)
• 6 12 exotic dancers (6 plus-sized, 3 in regular skank-size, 3 ‘little people’)
• 15 cases of Crystal on ice, bitch
• 2 generator trucks, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests U2, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and very special guest Adele.
• 100 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 100 dozen red roses (for Adele, it's in her rider)
• 4 white Bengal tiger cubs
• 10 fog machines
• 3 wind machines
• 2 bubble machines
• 2 complete laser lighting rigs
• 6 t-shirt cannons, each loaded with 25 Black Aces T-shirts
• 1 complete cow, roasting on a spit
• 1 10’ tall chocolate fountain filled with dark chocolate and black smarties (I mean it, no other colours. I don’t want to see any of those shitty yellow smarties in there, Stan)
• 8 drones with 3D high-definition video cameras to broadcast the parade live to satellite
• A solid gold throne with the number “4” written on it in diamonds. With a velvet seat.

That should do it. Go Aces!

Aubster

---

November 25: Wyse Guys 7, Aces 1

With cheese!

Date: November 26, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Dear Stan,

I hope it’s not too late to change that last order. Some things have come up, we’re going to have to scale back the parade just... a... little... bit. Sorry. Here’s the new order, please call me back if you need anything else:

• 1 1998 Ford F150 pickup truck, back gate optional
• 1 child-sized bouncy castle filled with Canadian Tire money
• 8 candy canes
• 3 exotic dancers (just the 3 ‘little people’)
• 3 cases of Old Speckled Hen
• 1 portable generator, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests Rich, Jeff, Mike and Pete
• 1 dozen packs of black licorice (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 100 dozen red roses 
• 4 white tiger cubs 2 white long-haired cats from the Toronto Humane Society
• 10 packs of Marlborough lights + 2 bic lighters
• 3 hand-held battery-powered fans
• 1 bubble gum machine
• 1 10’ string of LED Christmas lights
• 6 t-shirt slingshots, each loaded with 1 Black Aces T-shirt
• 1 tin of Spam (with cheese)
• 1 box of Smarties, and make sure we get ALL the colours.
• 1 3rd grader with an Etch-a-Sketch to record the parade
• 1 kitchen stool with the number “4” written on it in black sharpie. Keep the velvet seat.

Thanks buddy, you’re the best!

Aubrey

---

December 2: Aces 3, Warriors 1

I love you guys

Date: December 3, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Stan - Sorry to have to make more changes to that order, I hope this is the last time I need to do that. I’m thinking now that quality over quantity is the way to go, amiright? Of course I am. Here’s the new order:

• 1 stretch Hummer, the one with all the sunroofs
• 1 stripper pole, candy-cane coloured
• 1 exotic dancer
• 1 case of Grey Goose vodka
• 6 cases of Corona, pre-limed
• 1 large portable generator, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guest William Shatner
• 3 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 2 dozen red roses (for the Aces’ #1 fan, Zamboni Girl)
• 10 packs of Marlborough lights + 2 bic lighters (also for Zamboni Girl)
• 3 hand-held Japanese paper fans (also for Zamboni Girl)
• 1 autographed photo of Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys
• 1 green laser pointer for each player on the Aces
• 25 Black Aces T-shirts
• 8 large pizzas from Ferro’s
• 10 boxes of black Smarties, each with a white number 4 on it
• 1 3rd year OCAD fine arts student to post photos of the parade on Instagram
• 1 La-Z-Boy sofa with black throw cushions embossed the numbers 1 through 4 on one side, and 2013 through 2016 on the other.

That should do it. I’ll drop by the store with the team credit card next week, Stan.

Cheers,

Aubrey

Operation Snowfall Urgent Update

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT A 'BATTLER' IS!!!

To:
Kxx Gxxxxx, Director, DARPA Experimental Cybernetics Division
From:
Jxxx Mxxxxxxxx, Special Field Agent, US Army Intelligence (Northern Territory)

Subject: possible recovery of missing cybernetic warfare unit

Dear Director Gxxxxx,

Please be advised that on November 18, 2015 at approximately 22:00 hours, our remote SIGINT listening array at location lat 43.7, lon -79.4 (Toronto Canada) initiated an automated Level 5 alarm, indicating the presence of a missing top secret experimental cybernetic warfare unit, in this instance the highly classified and dangerous Marktronic 5000 unit.

If you will refer to the file CWU-77465 attached with this message you will see that the Marktronic 5000 was originally developed as part of ‘Operation Snowfall’, the army’s classified plan to invade Canada. Each Marktronic 5000 unit was programmed to destroy key targets on command, but was also programmed to infiltrate Canadian society until the invasion go-ahead was given by the Pentagon. Certain skills specific to Canadians were programmed into each unit as cover - shoveling snow, apologizing, the ability to drink something called a ‘double double’. There were 12 units deployed, but when the invasion plans were cancelled only 11 were recovered. That was in 1998. Marktronic 5000 Unit #12 has been missing ever since.

Our electronic listening system’s alarm was triggered last week when Unit #12’s specific Canadian Skill - in this case, the ability to excel at ice hockey - went into overdrive during local hockey team the Black Aces’ 7-4 win over COTHL rivals the Bloor Battlers. 

The Marktronic 5000 Unit #12 scored 5 times during that game, far outpacing the rest of the team (for the record, I should also add that additional goals were scored by Joe D and Rod P). We believe that it’s self-control chip may be malfunctioning. If this is true, it must be recovered as soon as possible, or mass carnage may result. If the chip shuts down completely the entire city could be in danger of being scored upon repeatedly until complete social breakdown results.

I recommend putting Plan ZG416 into operation immediately. Please refer to the attached file EMERG-MU12-ZG for full operational details. In brief the plan calls for the immediate deployment of Special Sleeper Agent Axxxxx Fxx, aka ‘Zamboni Girl’, who coincidentally has been maintaining contact with the Black Aces team since the 2014-2015 season. 

I await your instructions in this most urgent matter, as the next game is only 48 hours from now.

A Black Aces Pictorial

A hockey team, much like a fine automobile or a Swiss watch actually made in Switzerland, is a finely tuned machine. Take away a key component and things will rapidly break down. The Black Aces learned this the hard way in their latest game, as they took the ice without a vital piece of their carefully architected team - a man who can always be counted on to provide timely scoring and seemingly magical moves when the Aces need it most. I’m speaking of course about Aubrey S, who for the past 2 weeks has been on a mission abroad to secure the team its much-needed supply of delicious Indian beer.

How did the Aces do against the Battlers this past week? Perhaps this brief pictorial presentation will explain.

Thus ends the Aces 11 game undefeated streak. So now what? 

Double Victory for the Aces

The Black Aces kept their undefeated streak alive in their latest game, pulling out a 4-4 tie against arch rivals the Wyse Guys. This means the Aces have not lost in their last 10 games going back to their triumphant 2014-2015 season, including the playoffs. A pair of goals for power forward Mark plus one each for Ralph and Mike were enough to get over some weird goals that got past Aces' netminder John.

New man Alex finally was granted permission from all 6 of his girlfriends to attend the game and put in a solid game on D.

In related news, the Aces somehow took the St Paul's riding in the Federal election tonight, edging out the Liberal, NDP and CPC candidates even though they didn't run a campaign and were not supposed to be on the ballot. A perplexed Peter Mansbridge contacted the Aces' spokesman and professional chai wallah Aubrey after the votes were counted.

PM - Hello Aubrey. Can you please explain to Canadians, and especially to the people the Toronto riding of St Paul, just how the Black Aces - do i have that right? - pulled off this unexpected victory.

Aubrey - I'm sorry Peter, reception here in Kerala is not so great tonight. Also, I'm drunk. But I'm proud of the guys for running a great campaign.

PM - But that's just it, there was no campaign. No one can explain how they even got on the ballot. How do you explain it?

Aubrey - Sorry Peter, I have to go. I'm just about to dig into a really nice plate of aloo gobi and palak paneer. Go Aces!

Cut to: INTERIOR, A GIRLS BEDROOM. A LARGE 30-SOMETHING WOMAN IS FLOPPED ON THE BED, WRITING IN A DIARY. SHE IS WEARING WORK BOOTS AND TRACK PANTS UNDER A LUMBERJACKET AND A HAND-DRAWN BLACK ACES T-SHIRT.

Dear Diary, it's been months since I got fired from my sweet zamboni driving job at Phil White Arena, but I have spent that time wisely and tonight it all paid off. The Aces pulled off a victory in the election tonight, all because of me. And speaking of pulling things off, sure I had to go on a lot of 'dates' with a lot of guys (and the occasional girl) to lock up those votes but it was worth it. Now my Aces' crush will go out with me for sure, right after he removes that restraining order. I just know it. 
Go Aces!

David Price Will be Ready on Wednesday

I am so ready.

Controversy is still swirling in T.O. after today's big Jays win over Texas in game 4 of the ALDS, as the team's starting pitching rotation seems up in the air. Ace David Price went into the game to relieve R.A. Dickey in the 5th inning with the Jays ahead 7-1, giving up 3 runs and 6 hits on 50 pitches.

The big question now is whether Price will be ready to play again on wednesday, with only 2 days rest. Jays' coach John Gibbons says Price will not be ready to go on wednesday. "No way" said Gibbons after the game "There's just not enough time for David to recover from today's game."

David Price on the other hand has other ideas for this coming wednesday. Here's a transcript of his post-game interview with SportsNet's Barry Davis.

SN "David, the coach says you are definitely not going to be pitching in game 5. What do you think of that decision?"
DP "Oh I'll be ready, don't you worry."
SN "So you think 2 days rest is enough recovery time?"
SP "Absolutely. I'll be lacing them up on the forward line with Mark and Ralph this wednesday. I can't wait."
SN "Mark and Ralph..."
DP "That's right. First line all the way. Go Aces!"
SN "What are you even talking about?"
SP "The Black Aces, man. My favourite beer league hockey team. I love those guys and I can't wait to hit the ice with them. I mean, there's no way in hell I'll be able to throw a baseball by wednesday so this is my chance to skate with the Aces. I'm really glad the coach put me in the game today, otherwise I'd have to start game 5 for the Jays."
SN "I didn't even know you could skate, David."
DP "I can't. Yet. I've got 48 hours to learn though. How hard can it be? Joe Himalaya promised me he'd loan me his skates, he's going to be off in Australia for the World Shark Wrestling Championships so he won't need them. Thanks Joe!"

In less startling news, the Aces pulled off their third consecutive win in their most recent game, downing the Bloor Battlers 4-2 in a game that featured more than a few penalties and an impromptu lesson in How to Dive by Aces diving instructor Pete S. Another solid game in the nets from John (can someone please get him a new Aces sweater? He's earned it) plus goals from Mark (2), Joe D-S and Ralph and the Battlers were done. The Aces are now a perfect 3-0 on the season.

Тузы Добро пожаловать Новый игрок

Zamboni Girl encourages the Aces as they prepare to open up several cans of whoop-ass on the Wyse Guys.

Local hockey team the Black Aces continued to roll into the 2015-2016 season in the W column this past week as they held on to defeat a determined Warriors squad 4-3. Goals by Mark, Joe, Aubrey and Pete S were enough to offset the Warriors and a questionable slapshot no-goal + penalty = Warriors goal.

The Aces D was in fine form too, especially with the return of Gerry, Simon and pirate-in-training Al, all missing from Game 1. Maybe too fine? New goalie and former Aces stalker John is already so comforatable behind the Aces D that he has begun experimenting with new and novel ways to corral shots coming from beyond the centre red line. He still hasn't perfected his technique but the rest of the Aces are looking forward to more of John's hilariously creative "puckstopping" over the course of the 2015-2016 season.

In other big news, the Aces are set to welcome the newest addition to an already foridable lineup: Alex K, formerly of the Russian Federation and now working towards a Canadian citizenship. Pro tip, Alex - don't wear a niqab when you take the oath, it upsets the locals.

A little bio info about the newest Ace

Name: Alex K
Age:   40 plus a day
Former occupations:

• personal bodyguard to Vladimir Putin
• bear trainer
• MIG fighter pilot
• reindeer salesman

Some say this day was actually foretold in prophecy. Russian and Canadian scholars continue to debate this, but this 1923 painting by Russian master Wassily Kandinsky clearly depicts Alex in a Black Aces sweater helping the team to vanquish their COTHL rivals.

This is obviously a scene from Phil White Arena

Alex, the Aces are no strangers to Things That Are Russian. You can catch up on some of that history in these vintage blog posts:

• Russian Federation annexes Black Aces
• Aces Training Program Pays Dividends
• Aces Hacked by Russian Cyber Criminals

Another late game this week, this time against the Battlers. Победы!!

Long Summer for the Aces Means a Slow Start to 2015-16 Season

It’s been a long summer for local hockey team the Black Aces, and it showed in their first game of the 2015-2016 season. Unable to coordinate a training camp this year, the blackshirts appeared to have forgotten the finer points of the game during the first 2 periods against perennial rivals the Wyse Guys. Basic skills like skating, passing, shooting and trash-talking were nowhere to be seen as the reds opened up a 2-0 lead early.

What did the Aces do all summer that would get them off to such a sluggish start?

Aubrey S - volunteer pillow fight coordinator at the Lake Joseph School for Wayward Teen Girls. Asked to leave after the first week. No charges laid.

Pete S - worked as a blackboard eraser cleaner at the Perimeter Institute. Hospitalized briefly with ‘white lung’, a condition brought on by snorting too much chalk dust.

Rod P - attempted to work his way through every sexual reference in the Urban Dictionary. Almost made it to ‘Cleveland Steamer’ before suffering a mild ‘coronary event’ and having to quit on the advice of his family doctor.

Mike K - followed Icelandic art-rock band Sigur Ros on their 3 month Tour of the Permafrost Countries. Repeated and prolonged exposure to their music resulted in a coma-like state that lasted until 3 days before the start of the Aces’ season, and which was finally halted only by direct injection of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ into his cerebral cortex.

Other Aces players enjoyed similar non-hockey-themed summer vacations this year, so it wasn’t until the 3rd period that the team finally lurched to life and finished off the Wyse Guys on goals by Mark (2), Mike and Joe (1 each).

Final score: Aces 4, Wyse Guys 2.

A solid performance in the net by new goalie John (call him “goalie”, he likes that) kept the game close while the Aces remembered how to play.

Rumour has it that the team will be joined soon by a new recruit from the steppes of Russia. This has sent the other COTHL teams scrambling to add players to their rosters. Where will these players come from? Donald Trump can tell you:

Aces Three-peat in 2015

It's been a week since the Black Aces made history as the only team to win the COTHL championship 3 years in row, and the congratulations have been pouring in from all corners of the world (and some from beyond).

The Aces capped an up and down season with a pair of overtime wins to take the title again, with the final game being a 2-1 nailbiter against the Wyse Guys. Once again Mark L bagged the winner, this time on a partially set play between him and your humble scribe and defender. The whole team brought their 'A' game again, keeping the red team to just a few good chances  over the course of the game. Netminder and punctuality freak Kevin T made some great saves at the right time as the blackshirts rode a 1-0 lead (on a goal by Pete T) for most of the game, but could not hang on for the full 45. A late red goal sent the game to extra innings but it didn't take long for the Aces to bang one in for the win and the Three-peat.

The team email box is bursting with kudos and attaboys from fans and admirers, far too many to reproduce here.  So here is a sampling of some from a few names you might recognize.

Rosterbot

ROSTERBOT ACCEPTS THE ACES RESULTS! ALL HOCKEY UNITS PERFORMED TO SPECIFICATIONS! TERMINATION OF ACES UNITS CANCELLED!
Interview With the Rosterbot

God

Well done my children, well done. I knew you could do it. Literally I mean, I actually knew. I'm God.
God's Hockey Team

God Abandons Tim Tebow in Favour of Obscure Canadian Hockey Player

Vishnu

The playing of the extra ends was most invigorating, sirs. I congratulate you on your excellent excellence at the ice hockey contests.

God's Hockey Team

William Shatner

My friends, my... fellow Canadians, you... have achieved a level of greatness that few among us can equal. I... am, so proud of you. I'm having my personal assistant send autographed photos of me, William Shatner, to each and every one of you. Please, call me Bill.

Tom Hortons introduces new coffee to honour Aces HC

Zamboni girl

You guys are so awesome! I posted a video of you on my Tumblr. Not a hockey video, it just shows you guys hugging in the dressing room after the game, but whatever. I love you guys!

Black Aces Boyfriend

The blind monks of Sraac

Praise Braam! The mighty Aces have triumphed for the third cycle in a row! Our moon draws near and time is short for our doomed planet, but your victory fills our hearts with joy and - [end transmission]

Praise Braam!

Richard Branson

I knew I should have bought you beautiful bastards when I had the chance. Oh well, at least that little jerk Jon Bon Jovi couldn't close the deal either.

Richard Branson to Buy Aces HC
Prime Minister Blocks Sale of Aces HC

The Perimeter Institute 

Dear Aces, congratulations on your victory in the COTHL finals.
Dear Aces, Congratulations on your victory in the COTHL consolation finals.
Dear Aces, please accept our condolences on your loss in the COTHL finals.
Dear Aces, please accept our condolences on your loss in the COTHL consolation finals.
Aces Win (Just Not in This Timeline)

Rob Ford

I cannot comment on a victory that I have not seen or which does not exist. I am not the Aces coach. I have never been the Aces coach. Whatever happened between me and the Aces is all in the past now, and I think we should all just move on.

Toronto Mayor Robocalls Aces Opponents
A Letter to the Aces From Former Mayor Rob Ford
Great Leader Inspires Aces to 1-1 Victory
Warriors Call 9-1-1 on Aces

Chi Chi 'Pepe' Fernandez

Very great congratulations I am sending out to all my muey macho amigos on the Black Aces Hockey Club. Your fantastic victory was seen by dozens of viewers on el Canal de hombres y mas hombres. I would personally like to give each and every one of you a special Canal 53 embrace, which even though it is involving the wearing of no pants below the waist, is still 100% platonico.

Black Aces to be Featured on Mexican Cable TV

Pope Benedict XVI

It seems that my prayers have been answered. Since I stepped away from the Big Chair (and Hat) in 2013 to focus my earthly energies on the Aces HC, you have won 3 consecutive championships. Well done, my lambs, well done indeed. I know it's a sin but I feel pride in what we have accomplished together. My invoice is in the mail.

Pope Benedict XVI Says Farewell Church, Hello Aces

Sonseed

Congratulations and Bless You Aces!! We are just so thrilled to hear of your Godly Victory that we are going to come out of retirement and join up with UB40, Ziggy Marley, The English Beat and Rancid on their 2015 North American tour! Of course we'll be playing our big hit:



There you have it, sports fans. Another year done and dusted and the Men in Black are the class of the COTHL once again.

God's Hockey Team

FFS, I look away for one minute...

RRiiinnnng... rrriiinnnggg... “Hello?”

“Vishnu! That you?”

“Yes, this is Vishnu.”

“Vish, it’s God. How’s it going, big blue?”

“Oh, hello mister God, everything is wonderful. Thank you for asking. Most excellent to be hearing from you, sir. What I can do for you?”

“You remember that hockey game I asked you to look in on last week? The Black Aces playoff game?”

“Yes yes, I remember. A quite excellent game as I recall, very exciting! Thank you for trusting me with it while you were on your fishing trip with mister Pope.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t know much about hockey do you, V-man?”

“Well to be fair it was the first game of ice hockey that I have witnessed, yes. But I certainly enjoyed it very greatly. Why do you ask, mister God sir?”

“My boy tells me you took your eyes off the game and he had to step in and do my will for me, that’s why. The game was in overtime and you were nowhere to be found. Overtime! How did it get to overtime, Vish? I thought you were taking care of my team.”

“Ah yes, now I am remembering. I was just stepping out to create and destroy some universes and when I am returning mister Jesus was looking over the game. He had a funny look on his face, not the nice one he is usually having.”

“That’s called anger, mixed with fear. Of God. He was angry with you for messing up the assignment and afraid of what I might do if this game didn’t go the way I ordered it. You feel me, blue man? Let me ask you something. How long does a hockey game last?”

“I am thinking it is 6 hours. Giving or taking.”

“6 hours?! Are you serious? No hockey game has ever lasted 6 hours, the players would all be dead! Are you sure you’re not getting it mixed up with another sport, say one that’s really popular in, I don’t know, India?”

“I am not sure what you are getting towards, mister God sir.”

“I think you know what I mean. Hard wooden ball, flat wooden bat, rules nobody can understand... very long games.”

“Ohhhh, right, yes, heh heh. I am thinking of the cricket. You are most correct mister God sir. Crick-et. A game of ice hockey does not last 6 hours then?”

“No. No a game of ice hockey does not last 6 hours then. If my son hadn’t stepped in when he did the Aces might have lost and you my friend would owe me big time. I had a side bet with the Pope on that game and let’s just say I now own half the Vatican.”

“I am most terribly sorry mister God sir. Please accept my apologies, and please accept a complimentary universe which I have just created for you. Perhaps you can store it at the Vatican.”

“All right then, no harm done. Look, I gotta go. Westboro Baptist Church is trying to stage another protest against Leonard Nimoy and I promised him I’d smite them. Say hi to Shiva for me.”

I am liking the hockey!

Game details

Aces 3, Battlers 2 (OT)
Mark: 2 goals
Joe D: 1 goal

A fast and hard fought game, but the right team came out on top in the end. Special thanks to John for handling goal duties while Kevin finished his pre-game beer in the dressing room. Really,  a big game from everyone and a solid team effort.

Next game is the final, and the Black Aces are going for the cup for the 3rd year in row. Which they will win. God willing.

Black Aces Boyfriend

I love you, man

Dear Diary,

I finally found a new job! After months of searching I landed a great gig as a zamboni driver at a rink down in Toronto of all places. It will be a big change from my life here in South Porcupine but I'm ready to make the move. I start next week, so I'd better get packing.

Dear Diary,

Life here in Toronto sure is different than back home. There are WAY more people on Tinder, to start with, so I'm getting all kinds of nasty action with all kinds of dudes whenever I like. No more luring sled dogs for this gal! I start my zamboni gig tomorrow, so I've been looking up videos on Youtube to figure out how to actually drive the thing. How hard can it be? My boss will never know I lied on my application or that the South Porcupine Arena 'zamboni' is just a snow shovel with wet towel duct taped to it. I got this.

Dear Diary,

First day of work at [redacted] Arena. Turns out the arena assistant manager is some guy I hooked up with off Tinder last week, so that's gonna be awkward. Maybe I shouldn't have gone all Full Blumpkin on him, in hindsight. Also, the zamboni is a bit trickier to drive than I expected, especially in the parking lot. I'm pretty sure I clipped somebody's Range Rover when I was out dumping snow but I just drove back into the arena as fast as I could before anyone saw me.

Dear Diary,

Hockey players are so cute. Everyone in Toronto is, actually. Even though I was Miss South Porcupine 3 years running I feel kind of plain here compared to everyone else. I never noticed how yellow and crooked my teeth were before, and I'm wondering if maybe I should try to cover up my butt crack more.

Dear Diary,

I met the cutest guy, and not even on Tinder. His name is [redacted] and he plays for this team the Black Aces. I was bleeding the lines on the zamboni when he just walked into the service bay and grabbed my ass. Hard. Things escalated quickly and let's just say I wasn't worried about covering up my butt crack for a good 3 minutes at least.  That was 2 days ago and now he's all i can think about. Am I in love? I'm so confused. Life with the sled dogs was a lot easier.

Dear Diary,

That cute guy from the Black Aces is avoiding me, I know it. Why did I let him do those terrible things to me? Oh who am I kidding? Because he was gorgeous, that's why. I was so messed up tonight that I totally forgot to watch the water flow meter on the zamboni and laid down 3 inches of water over the entire ice. Damn him. I should have at least asked him his name.

Dear Diary,

I'v been fired. The manager says it's because I keep messing up the ice floods, which is kind of true since I'm constantly checking my phone to see if that Black Aces dude is texting me (he's not) and it's hard to drive and check the phone at the same time. I think the real reason is because the assistant manager is jealous of my new Black Aces boyfriend in spite of all the handies I've been giving him at lunch and break time. Jerk. Ha ha, see what i did there?

Dear Diary,

I'm back in South Porcupine again, but thanks to the spycam i installed at the arena I can still keep tabs on my Black Aces boyfriend. His team won 9-1 last night against the white team (Warriors?). He didn't get any goals but after watching them play so often I know all their numbers and names now. Here's the breakdown:

Mark 3
Mike 2
Bruce 2
Ralph 1
Pete S 1

Plus they have another new goalie again. Never seen him before but he played pretty good. He looks cute too... I wonder if he's on Tinder.

Ace Holes Win

It was a different Black Aces Hockey Club that showed up for their most recent COTHL game against the Battlers this week. Normally the Aces are world-renowned for their gentlemanliness, their generosity and their outstanding sense of fair play. And good looks, of course. So it was a shocked Battlers squad that faced off against a team who played like, well, like a bunch of Ace Holes.

Taking a record 45 minor penalties during the course of the game, the blackshirts repeatedly hacked, tripped, elbowed and cross-checked their way to a 4-3 win.

“I thought the Aces were nice guys, but I guess not” said Battlers centre Blake McWhinybaby “They were really mean.”

Even refs Donny and Les were surprised. “Normally I just call stuff randomly regardless of what actually happens on the ice” said Donny after the game “But tonight I just called the penalties as they occurred. Which was often.”

Not that there was no actual hockey played. Backstopped by Guest Goalie John, the Aces were ahead for the whole game and held the balance of play for most of the night.

“We tried to give it away, we really did” said team watercolourist Mark L “but even playing the entire 3rd period short handed wasn’t enough.”

"No comment"

The change in attitude has brought attention to the team from some unexpected quarters. Rumours are flying that showbiz blowhard and self-professed Biggest Asshole in America Donald Trump is interested in buying the team and creating a reality TV show about them. “The Aces are fantastic” said Trump “but I can’t confirm that I’ll be moving them to Atlantic City and building a show around them, or that I’ll be hiring Bobby Clark and Rob Ford to coach them, or that they’ll be playing in the Ladies Lingerie League. I can’t confirm any of that.”

"No  comment"

"No comment"

The Aces scorers: Ralph McNasty, Mark DeBastard, Mike McDirtyman and special guest Paul L’Animal.

Aces Win, Hell Freezes Over

Local hockey team the Black Aces found themselves on the right end of a 6-4 score in their most recent outing, putting them back into the win column again.

The effects were immediate:

1. two more points in the kitty
2. a 25 degree drop in ambient air temperature.

Welcome to Hell

That’s right, Hell has frozen over. Team meteorologist Mike K explains:

“A massive arctic air mass of record-breaking proportions somehow, without warning, swooped down over the eastern half of North America, leaving the Aces’ home town approximately 25 degrees below normal temperature.” said Mike “In professional terms, it is now cold enough to freeze the nuts off a steel bridge.”

Environment Canada experts are unable to explain the sudden freeze in terms of normal atmospheric patterns, but long-time followers of COTHL results knew right away that an Aces win might be the reason for the anomaly. "I love the Aces" said former team mate and professional gardener Paul F "but they were not trending in a positive direction this season. This win was just too much of a shock to the planetary system, I guess. It's okay though, I'll just put on an extra sweater."

In spite of the mind-numbing cold snap, the Aces are looking forward to continuing their win ‘streak’ as they take aim at a playoff spot.

“I lost 3 fingers to frostbite on the way to work today” said team concert pianist Rod P “But do I give a fuck? No. No fucks given, as long the team keeps winning. Bring on the cold.”

Mr P could get his wish, as the forecast for the next few days is for an arctic tropopause dipping through the midwest CONUS, resulting in the coldest February air in decades. If this forecast is to be believed, then things could be looking up for the Aces.

Game Details

Aces 6, Warriors 4

Aubrey 2
Mark 2
Ralph 1
Mike 1

Aces Exhibit Self-Organizing Behaviour in Latest Game

Aces bench

Readers of this blog are of course familiar with the theory of self-organization, whereby disordered systems, given enough time, will eventually spontaneously evolve towards behaviours that are organized in nature. Think of swarms of birds, or schools of fish, or the cellular automata theories made popular by Stephen Wolfram in his epic A New Kind of Science.

So it should come as no surprise that in their most recent game, the formerly dis-organized Black Aces suddenly and without warning began to show signs of self-organization. Passes were completed, goals were scored, and the final result was a 4-2 win over the Battlers, their first since 2014.

Team entomologist Pete T likened it to an ant colony. "Ants on their own are not very bright" said Pete after the game "But as a whole they can organize themselves into very effective machines. I believe that is what happened tonight. The Aces played like ants. I believe this has something to do with the fact that we were able to ice a critical mass of players, which we have not done for some time."

Team historian and recently returned elder statesman Rich W. had a different idea, however.

"The Battlers missed almost every chance they had" said Rich "Open nets, goalmouth scrambles, shooting at the goalie - they did it all. If they had scored on half their chances the game would have been different. All that math stuff is bullshit."

No matter which theory you subscribe to, the end result is the same and it looks like the blackshirts may be back on track after several weeks in the wednesday night wilderness.

Goal scorers: Mark, Bruce, Rich and Pete.

Signs of life

It's Alive!!!!

After a winter season that has so far been what team phrenologist Mike K. described as "slightly catatonic, verging on death-like", the Black Aces may be showing faint signs of life.

Losers of their past several games, the newly-sweatered Aces club seemed headed for another check mark in the Loss column last week. The 3rd period saw the schwartzenmen down 3-0 to the veissguys (the Warriors), and the mood on the bench was... pensive. It had not been a great game. Weird bounces that favoured the opposition combined with some truly disorganized play at both ends of the ice meant that backup goaltender Pete T was kept busy keeping the game close.

It was up to sharpshooter and team llama groomer Mark L to get the ball rolling, which he did with a nice wrist shot past a sleeping Warriors netminder. Team scribe and defender Jeff M scored a rare goal after walking in from the point to cut the lead to one, and in the dying minutes of the game, with the Aces looking more and more like something faintly resembling a hockey team, Ralph R showed off some soft hands at the net and lifted one coolly over the Warriors goalie. The comeback was complete.

Let's hope that waiting until the end of the game to come to life doesn't become a habit, but if it does, it's at least better than waiting until the end of the game to stay dead.

Author's note: As a gesture of solidarity with this new approach I have waited until the end of the week to publish this blog post.

New Sweaters Spur Aces to Victory, or Something. Eventually.

Local hockey team the Black Aces ushered in a new era during their last game, retiring their previous venerable sweater and adopting a new look courtesy of power forward and Successful Businessman Rod P, whose company Zing-Bias Media apparently controls the Internets.

So long, Aces.

Aces players wept openly as they bid farewell to the classic sweater of old, with its proud logo and high-quality construction and 2 league championships woven into its very fabric. Songs of praise were sung in honour of teammate and former sponsor Joe P. and the awesome Himalayan Expeditions. Visit HimalayanExpeditions.com for all your epic mountaineering needs.

The new sweaters sport a clean and classic logo embossed into the blackest of black cloth. Sturdy and durable, these new shirts are sure to spur the team to yet more victories, more glory, and more tales of total domination of their COTHL opponents. Just to ensure the future success of the team, the sweaters have been pre-washed in water blessed by a Serbian priest and imported from the Caucasus ice fields in ancient oak barrels. The ink is made from the black roe of the rare and endangered Omul fish found only in the icy depths of Lake Baikal in Russia. The threads are the same carbon nano-fibre found in the interior cabin stitching of the Pagani Zonda, and the crest and numbers are made from a just-discovered isotope of titanium that provides bullet-proof strength combined with a fine silvery sheen.

Hello, Aces.

Of course only the best of the best are suited to don such fine sporting garments. Only a team that say, had not lost it's 5 most recent games, or that would not go down 5-1 to a team wearing inferior red sweaters. A team that could with confidence ice all of its players on any given night.

Right?

Bear Like Me: A Forest Story

Once upon a time there was a bear. A Black Bear. In the warm summer months the Black Bear spent his time doing summer Black Bear things, like eating berries or fishing with his bear friends and having a generally good time in the forest.

All the other forest animals knew better than to fuck with the Black Bear because if they did, it would not go well for them. The Blue Jay stayed high in the trees and would not eat any berries from the Black Bear's favourite bushes. The Red Squirrel would scurry away and hide his nuts when he saw the Black Bear coming. And the White Rabbit would gather up all her White Rabbit babies and shoo them into her White Rabbit house (actually just a hole in the ground) when the Black Bear was in the neighbourhood.

The other forest animals all liked the winter, even though it was cold and snowy, because the Black Bear was nowhere to be found. They didn't know where he went and they didn't care. They were just glad he was gone.

One February day after many weeks of Black Bear-free living, the Red Squirrel was digging in the snow for old acorns and nuts to eat when he came across a large dark hole in the side of a hill. To his amazement the Black Bear was inside the hole, sleeping soundly. Red Squirrel pulled out his phone and texted his friend the Blue Jay: "Ur not going 2 believe this shit. I found Blk Bear. In a hole. Sleeping. Get over here now, yo. Peace."

In a few minutes the Blue Jay swooped down and landed beside the Red Squirrel.

"Damn. That's him alright. Call the White Rabbit. It's payback time."

For the next 2 weeks the Red Squirrel, the Blue Jay and the White Rabbit poked the sleeping Black Bear with sticks, threw acorns and snowballs at him, and drew obscene pictures on his fur with white bird poop. They took selfies while giving the Black Bear the finger. The Black Bear slept through it all, dreaming of skiing in the Rockies, surfing in Mexico, and bike-riding in Amsterdam.

One day the Blue Jay, the Red Squirrel and the White Rabbit were standing around the Black Bear trying to decide what they should do to him next. Suddenly the Black Bear woke up and ripped all their little heads off with one swipe of his powerful Black Bear paw.

The End.