Ontario Teachers Rally in Support of Black Aces

Thousands of Ontario teachers took to the streets this weekend to rally in support of local hockey club the Black Aces. Media coverage erroneously reported the rally as a protest of some kind, possibly against the provincial Liberals, but sources confirm that the gathering was in fact all about the Aces.

"The Black Aces are composed almost entirely of secondary school teachers" said Richmond Hill science teacher Walter Mitchell during the march along Toronto's Carlton Street "and we're here to let them know that we're behind them 100%."

Braving the January cold, throngs of educators from across the province gathered in Toronto to shout encouragement to the struggling Aces team.

"Sure, the team is getting straight D's this year but with a little extra help I think we can have them back on track by the time the playoff report cards come out" shouted Glenda McManliest, girls gym teacher at Woburn Collegiate in Scarborough "If not, I think several hundred wind sprints followed by 2 straight hours of polishing my balls should be appropriate punishment. Basketballs. What did you think I meant?"

Even another loss in their latest contest, a 4-3 decision against the Warriors, wasn't enough to dampen the spirits of the massive crowd of (possibly drunk) teachers. A very boisterous group of young student teachers were especially enthusiastic about the team. "We just think there's nothing sexier than middle-aged teachers in short pants" enthused 22 year-old aspiring art teacher Wendy De Nubile "Hi Aubrey!! Wooooooo!"

The rally was picking up momentum until someone, possibly a math teacher, realized that everyone was actually there on 'extracurricular' time. Within minutes the streets had emptied, but the message of support and hope had been sent to the Aces.

Thank you, Ontario teachers.

Lance Armstrong Apologizes for Aces Mediocre Season

"I really think the playoffs are going to be different" 

In a much-anticipated interview with Oprah Winfrey last week, former 7 time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong surprised everyone by apologizing not only for his own cheating and general douchebaggery but also for the performance of the Black Aces HC, a Toronto area beer league hockey team.

In spite of Winfrey's repeated attempts to get the interview back on track, a determined Armstrong kept bringing the conversation back around to the Aces.

Oprah Winfrey: "Yes or no, did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?"
Lance Armstrong: "Yes. And I'd just like to apologize to everyone who believed in me and in the Black Aces for lying about this, and for the sub-par season the team has been having so far this year."
OW: "Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?"
LA: "Yes. I also offered the Aces as much EPO as they wanted at the start of this season and to their credit they turned down the offer. I think that's admirable but I also think it might be one reason they keep running out of gas in the third period."
OW: "Wait a minute, what are you talking about? Who are these Black Aces?"
LA: "Great bunch of guys. They play in the COTHL, but they're having an off season so far and I know they feel terrible about it."
OW: "Maybe we should just stick to the subject of your use of performance enhancing drugs, Mr. Armstrong."
LA: "Sure, whatever. But I know they're going to turn things around, especially after their last game. They came from behind twice to tie the Wyse Guys 5-5, and might have a couple of new players in the lineup that I think could really make a dif-"
OW: "MR ARMSTRONG!"
LA: "Right, right, sorry. Cycling. Drugs. Gotcha. Go ahead."
OW: "Yes or no, in all seven of your Tour de France victories did you ever take banned substances or blood dope?"
LA:"Yes. I think it must be the injuries, and the aging factor."
OW: "You mean that led you to use drugs to keep your career going?"
LA: "No, I mean that account for the poor record of the Aces this year. Lots of guys out each week and hey, they're not getting any younger, you know what I mean?"
OW: "This interview is over."
LA: "Go Aces!! Early game this week!"

Aces Action Plan for Success

It's a funny old life, isn't it? One day you're up, next day you're down. One season your beer league hockey team is crushing league rivals like bugs, then the next season the universe decides you've had your fill of glory and your season looks more like this:

We're on the left.

The Black Aces, former heavyweights of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, find themselves in the unaccustomed position of last place in the league for 2012-2013. The reasons are varied, but mostly it comes down to two things:

1. The other teams got better
2. The Aces got worse.

That is not a happy combination. There is still time for a turnaround, of course, especially since our chances of making the playoffs are still good. How can the Aces accomplish this feat, you ask? What can they possibly do to salvage their season? Here are some options for the men in black to consider:

Subways! The Aces want subways!

A coaching change. Now that football season is over, Toronto 'mayor' Rob Ford has quite a bit of time on his hands. Sure, he knows jack about hockey but he knows fuck all about mayoring too and look where that got him. The Aces could hire Rob for the remainder of the season and hope for the best.

Better pharmaceuticals. Sure, Lance Armstrong was psychopathic cheater and liar but he had access to the best performance-enhancing drugs this side of the French Alps. Now that he's 'clean' and has no more need for all that awesome dope the Aces could probably score a couple of Fiat trunk-fulls of EPO, testosterone, human growth hormone and blood doping gear at a really good price. Since no one else from the league reads this blog, we would never be found out. As long as he doesn't squeal on us when he goes on Oprah we're golden.

Bribery. For years we've been supplying post-game refreshments to the officiating staff of the COTHL. It's time to call in that chit. Some well-timed penalties against the other clubs during the playoffs would go a long way towards evening the odds for the Aces. The downside to this plan is that we'd still have to come through with some timely goals in order to succeed. For that reason alone this plan is a long shot.

Please [deity_name], send us a sniper.

Prayer. It worked for Tim Tebow (for a while), it just might work for us. Just to be safe though we can't limit our supplications to a single deity. Since the Aces squad is a multi-faith concern, it behooves us to make the most of our diversity and beseech as many gods as we can. Jewish players, please be sure to send your prayers to the god of the old testament, Evangelicals can pray to the Great White Man in the Sky or to Saint Ronald Reagan (your choice). Raj, please put in a good word with Hanuman the Monkey God or with any of the thousands of Hindu minor deities available. Atheists please observe a minute of pre-game silence in honour of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Buddhists just stay cool and light some incense or something. 

If none of these plans work, please enjoy these inspirational posters: