Aces Action Plan for Success

It's a funny old life, isn't it? One day you're up, next day you're down. One season your beer league hockey team is crushing league rivals like bugs, then the next season the universe decides you've had your fill of glory and your season looks more like this:

We're on the left.

The Black Aces, former heavyweights of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, find themselves in the unaccustomed position of last place in the league for 2012-2013. The reasons are varied, but mostly it comes down to two things:

1. The other teams got better
2. The Aces got worse.

That is not a happy combination. There is still time for a turnaround, of course, especially since our chances of making the playoffs are still good. How can the Aces accomplish this feat, you ask? What can they possibly do to salvage their season? Here are some options for the men in black to consider:

Subways! The Aces want subways!

A coaching change. Now that football season is over, Toronto 'mayor' Rob Ford has quite a bit of time on his hands. Sure, he knows jack about hockey but he knows fuck all about mayoring too and look where that got him. The Aces could hire Rob for the remainder of the season and hope for the best.

Better pharmaceuticals. Sure, Lance Armstrong was psychopathic cheater and liar but he had access to the best performance-enhancing drugs this side of the French Alps. Now that he's 'clean' and has no more need for all that awesome dope the Aces could probably score a couple of Fiat trunk-fulls of EPO, testosterone, human growth hormone and blood doping gear at a really good price. Since no one else from the league reads this blog, we would never be found out. As long as he doesn't squeal on us when he goes on Oprah we're golden.

Bribery. For years we've been supplying post-game refreshments to the officiating staff of the COTHL. It's time to call in that chit. Some well-timed penalties against the other clubs during the playoffs would go a long way towards evening the odds for the Aces. The downside to this plan is that we'd still have to come through with some timely goals in order to succeed. For that reason alone this plan is a long shot.

Please [deity_name], send us a sniper.

Prayer. It worked for Tim Tebow (for a while), it just might work for us. Just to be safe though we can't limit our supplications to a single deity. Since the Aces squad is a multi-faith concern, it behooves us to make the most of our diversity and beseech as many gods as we can. Jewish players, please be sure to send your prayers to the god of the old testament, Evangelicals can pray to the Great White Man in the Sky or to Saint Ronald Reagan (your choice). Raj, please put in a good word with Hanuman the Monkey God or with any of the thousands of Hindu minor deities available. Atheists please observe a minute of pre-game silence in honour of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Buddhists just stay cool and light some incense or something. 

If none of these plans work, please enjoy these inspirational posters: