Warriors Call 9-1-1 on Aces

The following is an actual transcript of a 9-1-1 call placed on Wednesday October 26, 2011.

We're getting slaughtered here!

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Uh, hi, this is [redacted] of the Warriors over at Phil White arena. We're getting slaughtered here!
Operator: Did you say slaughter? Is there some kind of assault taking place sir?
Caller: Okay maybe slaughter is not quite right, but it's the middle of the second and we're down 2-0 to those punk-ass Black Aces.
Operator: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language.
Caller: What?
Operator: You said 'ass', sir. That is considered profane and/or abusive language under the terms and conditions of our collective bargaining agreement. If you continue to be abusive I will have to terminate this call.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about?
Operator: *click*

 * * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Yah, this is [redacted] again at Phil White Arena. I called just a minute ago. It's 3-0 now! Are you happy? We're getting killed!!
Operator: Sir, who is getting killed? Are you injured?
Caller: Oh Christ! They just scored another one! This is terrible! You have to send the cops over right now to take care of this shit!
Operator: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language.
Caller: Oh for fuck's sakes
Operator: *click*

 * * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Listen, bitch, don't you know who I am? I'm [redacted] fucking [redacted] of the fucking Warriors hockey club! I am the captain of this fucking team!! If the cops aren't here in 5 fucking minutes I'm coming down there to personally stick your headset up your – oh hey, we just scored. Lemme call you back. *click*

 * * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Are you happy now? Those black shirted bastards just beat us 5-2 and you assholes wouldn't lift a finger to help. This is all David Miller's fault. *click*

In other, unrelated 9-1-1 news, this apparently happened on the same day.

Probation Period Almost Over for New Aces

The newest members of the Black Aces Hockey Club continue to play well, contributing 4 goals between them during the Aces' most recent outing. Both Jerry and Glenn bagged a pair in the Aces' thrilling come-from-behind 7-5 victory over the Wyse Guys.

Never mind the post-game beer, just get out there.

Neither player is out of the woods just yet though, explained team cryptographer Joe D; "Yes, they've played well in their first four games, no doubt about that" said Joe after the game last Wednesday "but we need to be extra sure that they are the right fit four our team. This has nothing to do with the well-known phenomenon of players vying for permanent status playing way over their heads, not at all. We just want to be certain that their incredibly solid play so far hasn't been a series of highly unlikely flukes."

"Just because they've both been outstanding" added team hair colourist Bruce H "doesn't mean we should just make them an offer. Sure, their combined contributions have helped put us into first place, but that doesn't get them an automatic spot on the payroll. A couple more games and we'll see."

The Aces currently sit tied for first with the Wyse Guys after an epic comeback in their last meeting. Down 4-1 at the start of the second period after a 3 goal flurry from the redshirts, the Aces were playing well but seemed about to fall once again to the first place team. The frustration on the black squad was palpable, until the potentially skilled duo of Glenn and Jerry possibly inspired the rest of the team with some allegedly excellent play. Six unanswered goals later and the Aces were ahead 7-4 and cruising to a sweet victory. One meaningless goal for red while Glenn & Jerry were coincidentally off the ice meant nothing.

"One or two, possibly five more games and we'll take down that classified ad we've got running in the local paper" said team public relations consultant Paul F from his downtown office, where he frequently observes the team on closed circuit television. "I've got a good feeling about this."

Goal roundup: Glenn Newguy: 2  Jerry Newguy: 2 Ralph R: 2 Joe D-S: 1

Aces Get All Science-y to Beat Battlers

As some of you may already know, in addition to exploring the limits of human alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation, the Black Aces HC off-season activities included the establishment of a high-level hockey think tank. The Centre for Research Into New Generation Hockey Experiments, or CRINGHE, was tasked with devising new strategic approaches for the Aces, thereby giving them an advantage in the 2011-2012 edition  of the COTHL.

Science. It's Like, Awesome or Something.

Some of their cutting edge output this summer included radical, out-of-the-box ideas that have the potential to change the game of hockey forever. Including:

1. Beers to be consumed BEFORE the game instead of after.
2. Goalies to wear Kodiaks in place of skates for better traction.
3. Every player to wear a heads up video display during the game. This is to enhance the action with 'augmented reality' information, but also to ensure no episodes of ‘Raising Hope’ are missed. That’s a really good show. (Note: the PVR budget for the CRINGHE team was not approved).
4. No more positions. Every player to simply chase the puck wherever it goes, thereby overwhelming the opposition. This is a simple strategy that any player can understand (see point #1).
5. New positional configurations (in case Point #4 is rejected or unsuccessful), including the 4-1-1 (the Crash the Net Strategy), the 0-5-1 (the Neutral Zone Clusterf**k), the 2-2-2 (Double Goalie Configuration) and perhaps most radically of all, the 3-3-0: the No Goalie Required.

Incredibly, it would be in only the 3^rd game of the season that the investment in CRINGHE would pay off. With netminder and team opossum whisperer Raj C unable to make the game due to a tragic carjacking incident in Newmarket, the Aces were without a goalie at the start of the game. A replacement keeper was found, but team pro cyclist Aubrey S would have to venture out into the rainy night to retrieve him. Aubrey, normally the Aces’ backup goalie, was sidelined due to an injury sustained attempting to back flip his bike off a 30’ drop riding through a puddle.

The Aces, meanwhile, would have to employ the 3-3-0 lineup: 3 forwards, 3 defense, no goalie. It was ‘put up or shut up’ time.

Thanks to some quick consulting and a lovely powerpoint presentation from team graphic designer Jeff M, the defense corps soon came up with the correct approach to keep the Bloor Battlers from putting the puck in the Aces’ empty net. Their tactics, deceptively simple, can best be summed up as “Don’t let those other guys score”. It worked beautifully, and by the time Aubrey returned with the emergency backup netminder the Aces were starting the second period with a 1-0 lead on a goal from team toboggan builder Rich W.

Emboldened by their success, the Aces continued to dominate the now demoralized Battler squad and finished with a 2-0 win, their second consecutive shutout. If this continues, the $600 clipboard budget for CRINGHE researchers will not have been squandered after all.


Big thanks to emergency netminder (Tooey? Did I hear that right?) who by the way was fully sighted and did not have an artificial leg.

Aces Claw Their Way to .500

After a demoralizing string of one defeat,  local hockey team Aubrey's Aces finally managed to claw their way back to the .500 level this week in the COTHL.

"Sure, it was hard losing 100% of our previous games" said team maitre d' Rich W "But we knew if we just hung in there we'd eventually be ok."

In spite of going 0-fer so far this season the Aces somehow kept it together, soundly defeating the Warriors squad in a hard-fought contest. The difference, agreed most Aces, was goaltending. "Our goalie was fucking awesome" said Aces' barista Raj C "and their goalie was not. That's pretty much it. In my opinion anyway." 

Also a factor were two fresh imports from the Orc pits of Isengard, forward D'Naakh Skullcrusher and defender G'Raargh Limbrender. Both newbies came to play, in spite of being less than 12 hours old, combined. "I look forward to the utter destruction of the enemies of the Black Aces!" grunted D'Naakh after the game, smearing fresh Warrior blood on his chest while pounding a Grolsch tallboy "The Dark One will be pleased!" Teammate and fellow Orc G'Raargh was more philosophical: "I'm just happy to be called up to the big team, you know? I'm taking it one kill at a time and giving 110%, keeping it simple, you know? Also, I desire to dismember anyone not wearing an Aces jersey."

Non-Orc Aces making the score sheet: Ralph R with a pair, Bruce H and Brian M with one apiece. Final score: Aces 4, Warriors 0.

Side note: Former Ace Bob J was scheduled to make a final appearance in an Aces jersey before being deployed 'Stateside but a communications snafu somehow resulted in a lovely dinner at The Keg instead. Recently retired defenceman Maurice V was hastily contacted just prior to game time but was unable to fill in due to  a family chauffeuring emergency. 

MAMWHPs Seeks Same

A group of (fit and attractive) 416-based middle-aged mostly white hockey players seek same for fun and creative adventures at Phil White Arena. Must enjoy skating, puck-handling, and post-game beer. Race unimportant. Must be over 40 but not too over. Must have decent shot and be willing to play the 'back end'. If this sounds like you, please respond to this blog with hockey resume and personal photo. We enjoy winning, working out, and wednesday evenings with good friends. Not looking for a long term commitment, let's take things slowly and see what develops. No puck hogs, please.