A Future History of the Black Aces HC

With the decade almost over and the 2020s about to begin, your humble Black Aces HC scribe thought it would be appropriate to consult a well-known psychic to see what 20-20 visions could be seen for the future of the club. The following is a brief history of the future of the Aces as told to me by Madame Zamboni, professional psychic and mother of Aces superfan Zamboni Girl. Her predictions (extrapolated from the Aces' 2-2 tie with the Battlers in their final game of the decade)  have been paraphrased due to her thick Torontonian accent.

2020 - the Aces achieve greatness again, as they slip into the playoffs and somehow surprise everyone else in a 4 team league by putting it all together for the final 2 games of the year. Goalie John, his ruined catching finger finally healed, returns just in time to lead the team with consecutive shutouts. The Aces get their name on the cup for a sixth time, but the cup is lost in July when Al drops it over the starboard side of his sailing sloop into the depths of Lake Superior.

2022 - President Trump decrees that all NHL players in U.S. cities must be ‘naturally born Americans, no foreigners. They are not sending their best, believe me.’ The Aces pick up several Canadian ex-pros including Mitch Marner, although Morgan Rielly does not crack the D lineup and has to join the Warriors instead. COTHL championship #7 for the Aces.

2028 - Advances in cybernetics enable formerly retired Aces Aubrey and Rich to return to active duty, Aubrey with robotic hips, shoulders, ankles and knees and Rich with an atomic-powered heart. The team cruises to championship #10. Prime Minister Ford presents the team with the Order of Canada and a lifetime supply of Black Aces stickers.

2030 - All air travel is banned in an effort to lower global greenhouse gas emissions, and Aces utility man Joe Himalaya is stranded at a ‘seniors only’ kite-surfing event in Hawaii. He makes it back to Toronto by kite-surfing the Pacific Ocean and hitch-hiking across Canada with his 22 year old girlfriend, just in time for the playoffs. The Aces slip into the playoffs and somehow surprise everyone else in a 4 team league by putting it all together for the final 2 games of the year. Championship #13 is in the books.

2035 - The COTHL switches to E-sports mode, made necessary when climate change makes it impossible to create ice. Phil White Arena is converted to a government marijuana grow-op. Zamboni Girl is hired as head of hydroponics but is fired after one week when she floods the entire crop in one night.

2040 - Canada annexes the good parts of the now disintegrating United States, moves the capital to Edmonton to take advantage of the balmy weather. Aces hire William Shatner as their official spokesman but have to suspend him when he beats the crap out of former U.S. President Bernie Sanders at the grand opening of a new Aces-themed Tim Hortons in Fort MacMurray. Toasters become sentient. The last remaining fish is purchased for $140 million by McDonald’s and then quickly processed into the last remaining fish sandwiches. The sandwiches are sold for $10 million each to Elon Musk, now living in an orbiting space station (SpaceStationX) with Baron Trump and a harem of cybernetic supermodels.

2060 - Roving bands of intelligent toasters hunt humans for sport. The Black Aces barricade themselves inside their world headquarters, formerly Ferro on St. Clair Avenue. Now fabulously wealthy from their E-sport winnings, the Aces cut a deal with the toasters - 600 kilos of fresh raisin bread in exchange for safe passage to the Aces orbiting space station (formerly SpaceStationX), where all ex-Aces players are kept in cryogenic suspension until the start of the playoffs. Once aboard the station, the Aces revive their frozen teammates, then slip into the playoffs and somehow surprise everyone else in a 4 team league by putting it all together for the final 2 games of the year.

For a past history of the Aces, please see this post:

https://aceshockeyclub.blogspot.com/2014/03/black-aces-hc-crush-cothl-competition.html

Aces in Trouble With PETA

Local hockey club the Black Aces HC this week received a surprise letter from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). In it, the world wide organization famous for jailbreaking lab animals and throwing blood on old ladies in fur hats accused the team of perpetrating unnecessary cruelty on COTHL rivals the Warriors, whom they likened to defenceless puppies or lambs.

“Your recent 7-0 stomping of the white team has crossed a line” the letter said “and we are not going to stand by and let this cruelty continue. You have been warned.”

Aces furrier and new forward Blair C was unsure of what the letter implied. “I personally love pita bread and I’m not sure why this organization is mad at us. Will they pelt us with falafels? I mean, that wouldn’t even hurt. I don’t get it.”

Team forensic psychologist and D-man Al H was able to read the entire letter from PETA and draw some conclusions. “The letter says here in the 14th paragraph, and it’s hard to make out under what looks like smears of fake blood and animal poop, ‘we consider your treatment of the Warriors team to be equivalent to the cruel treatment of factory farmed veal cows, or the abhorrent game of squirrel polo, or the Kitten Stomper.’ I disagree, but then again I only played squirrel polo in college so i could be wrong about that. ”

The Warriors were copied on the threatening letter, and provided an official response to PETA and the Aces:

Dear PETAphiles, in your recent letter to the Black Aces HC you compared the Warriors HC to ‘a basket of helpless puppies being bludgeoned to death by a merciless gang of handsome superheroes’ We strenuously object to this description and hereby demand a retraction. While your description of the Aces as handsome superheroes is accurate, we must disagree with your baseless assertion that they are without mercy. In our most recent game against these fine gentlemen they showed great restraint in keeping their goal count to under 10. For this act of mercy we are truly thankful. We will expect your retraction within a fortnight, otherwise we will be forced to take action. Also, what is a Kitten Stomper? You people are sick.

A copy of the PETA letter is available for viewing in the Aces head office, where it is framed and displayed prominently next to their 5 league championship trophies.

Aces Play “Perfect” Game

Tremendous.

United States president Donald Trump has become known for making surprising and unexpected statements, but his latest press scrum on the White House lawn was more surprising than most. Sources close to the president are trying to keep his statements under wraps as they may be further evidence of encroaching senility, but your humble scribe has contacts inside the White House who have provided us with a transcript of his statements. Behold.

NBC NEWS: Mr President, what is your response to the allegations of improper conduct during negotiations with Ukraine?

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve heard what the do-nothing Democrats are saying about the Aces, and believe me they are wrong. They say the Aces lost 6-0 to the Wyse Guys last week but that’s fake news. Fake news.

CBS NEWS: Sir?

DJT: The Aces played a perfect game. It was so perfect, maybe the most perfect game that’s ever been played. I know a lot about the ice hockey, some people say I know more about it than anyone in the universe, and believe me the Aces played the most beautiful, perfect, tremendous game of ice... hockey last week. Every shift was outstanding. Tremendous.

NEWSWEEK: Mr President what are you actually talking about?

DJT: I’m talking about the Black Aces Hockey Club. They make me so proud to be an American, because they are fine Americans who play perfect hockey. No collusion, no quid pro quo, just beautiful beautiful hockey. Skating, passing, shooting, they are the very best hockey team to ever play the game.

COTHL WEEKLY: There were reports that the ice at Phil White Arena was substandard last week Mr. President. Do you agree?

DJT: That is a lie. Only the lying liberal media would say such a thing and you should be ashamed of yourself. The ice was pristene. Perfectly zambonied by an outstanding zamboni operator, maybe the best ever.

COTHL WEEKLY: Are you referring to Zamboni Girl?

DJT: Never heard of her, but if I did know her then it was only as a friend, and if it was as more than a friend then it was only once or possibly nine or ten times. I barely knew her. Please talk to Rudy about that. Whom I also barely know, by the way.

CBC NEWS: Are you saying the Aces won last week?

DJT: What I’m saying is that as of today I am imposing tariffs on the blue and red teams. They are very bad people and they’ve said some nasty things about me, very untrue by the way. I’m imposing these tariffs that they will have to pay because from now on it’s Aces first. Aces. First.

Thank you that's all for now. God bless America and the beautiful game of ice hockey.

Aces Fire Babcock

I deserved it.

In the wake of their most recent game, a 5-1 loss to a strong Battlers team, local COTHL stalwarts the Black Aces have announced that they are terminating their relationship with Leafs coach Mike Babcock.

“We felt that the time was right” said Aces power forward and professional dog walker Bruce H. “The team was just not performing up to its potential, and firing Mike Babcock was deemed to be our best option going forward.”

Aces public relations point man Simon C added that even though Babcock had nothing whatsoever to do with the team, the Aces place responsibility for the loss to Blue entirely on the ex-Leaf coach’s shoulders. “We have a lot of talent on this team, but Babcock just couldn’t seem to get the most out of it. He had to go.”


No one was more pleased with Babcock’s termination by the Aces than former NHLer and inspiration for Gritty the Mascot MIke Commodore.

Gritty (left) and Commodore

A former player under Babcock, Commodore wasted no time celebrating his old coach’s firing on Twitter:

Whoa. Commodore was not done though:

At press time the Aces were distancing themselves from Commodore's comments, but not from their decision to fire Mike Babcock.

Aces 1, Technology 0

111001001000100100100011

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces faced off last week against not only their COTHL rivals the Warriors but against modern technology itself.

Warriors spokesperson P.R. Deltoid explains: “The team has invested heavily in research and development in the off season, and our R&D department has created something we think is going to take us to the league championships this year - the GoalieBot.”

The GoalieBot, said Deltoid “is the perfect merger of robotics, AI and the Internet of Things. Advanced algorithms control its movements in the net, making it the perfect goaltender.

“Unfortunately the GoalieBot is not quite finished yet.”

While the R&D lab puts the finishing touches on their invention the Warriors have had to rely on an earlier version, GoalieBot RC. While still robotic, GoalieBot RC is remotely controlled by an off-site human goalie. With mixed results.

Last week’s game began normally enough as the Aces and Warriors fought to a 2-2 draw in the first period. With the Aces up 3-2 a little while later, the remotely controlled GoalieBot RC system started to show signs of what looked like a lack of proper quality control.

Aces defender Mike M lobbed a shot from beyond the red line that the Warriors keeper failed to stop, or even see. It was downhill from there, as the Aces put pucks in the net on the regular for the rest of the game, eventually building up an 11-2 lead before taking their foot off the gas.

So, was this a mechanical malfunction? Not quite, according to spokesman Deltoid - “GoalieBot RC was found to be functioning normally during the post-game diagnostic analysis. Turns out our remote operator was deliberately letting in as many goals as she could.”

She?

“Yes, a young lady who goes by the name Zamboni Girl? We hired her on the recommendation of one of our players who went on a hot Tinder date with her. She said she knew the league and had inside knowledge of how the Aces like to shoot, so we thought she’d be perfect. Live and learn, I guess.”

Final Score: Aces 11, Warriors 5. Goal scorers: pretty much everyone.

Local Hockey Team Running Candidates in Federal Election

Lawn signs really do work

Local hockey team the Black Aces are running in a key Toronto area riding as the federal election comes down to the wire. While the so-called major parties run their candidates ragged by flying them all over the country in an effort to secure votes, the Black Aces Party has taken a different approach. The entire team is on the ballot in the riding of Toronto - St. Pauls.

Not each individual player - the team itself is the candidate. Voters can choose the Black Aces HC to represent their interests in Ottawa for the next four years.

“The team is offering Canadians - ok, a few select Canadians - a new alternative to the same old politics” stated team PR Chief Mike K during an interview with your scribe “Rather than have just one over-worked person looking after the needs of the constituents, the Aces have assembled a team of 15 dedicated beer league hockey players to the job. That way we can cover more ground in the riding and address everyone’s concerns.”

Flyers dropped off at residents’ homes over the past few weeks lay out the Black Aces platform, which includes some innovative and creative solutions to problems faced by Canadians not just in the Toronto-St. Pauls riding but across the country. A few examples:

Climate Change - the party proposes we lower the boiling point of water to 95 degrees C in order to save energy and lower emissions. The party will also convert all zambonis to electric.

Carbon Tax - the party will abolish the carbon tax and instead shift it to a totally different element in the periodic table: helium. The Helium Tax will raise the same amount of money as the Carbon Tax but will do so entirely on the backs of children’s birthday parties.

Foreign Policy - all foreign policy disputes will be settled by way of ice hockey matches played at Phil White Arena. This will give Canada an edge over every other nation on earth, except maybe Russia.

Legalization of beer - The Aces have put together a proposal to make beer legal… in hockey arena dressing rooms right across this great land. In fact, all arenas will be required to provide a fully stocked beer fridge in every dressing room. Even minor league players will be permitted to knock back a cold one after their games as long as they can get a ride home with their dad.

Toronto-St Pauls voters are invited to Ferro’s on St Clair on election night to celebrate with the team.

In the run-up to the election, the team pulled out another victory over red (Wyse Guys), this time with a come-from-behind never say die all for one and one for all effort. Final score: Aces 4, Wyse Guys 3. Scorers: Blair with 2, Mike with one and returning special guest James with a single. Solid game in net from John Goalie. The team also welcomed back Pete S, who managed to get penalized after a completely out of character altercation with an opposing player. Crazy.

Aces Dominate Nuit Blanche Festivities

After a 2 year hiatus, local hockey team the Black Aces have returned in 2019 to dominate the annual Nuit Blanche event in Toronto. Local art and beer league hockey lovers are thrilled to have the Aces back, as the last 2 Nuit Blanche events were widely considered Nuit Blah.

Aces art historian and silk cravat salesperson John M was on hand to give your scribe the highlights from what was definitely a milestone in Toronto art/hockey history.

“Not since Dave Bidini completed his ‘Fifty Slashes in Fifty Minutes’ performance piece at Moss Park Arena in 1994 has avant garde art combined with ice hockey so successfully” said a tired but happy John at 4am sunday. “The Aces stole the show with their bold vision and excellent playmaking.”

Your scribe did manage to visit several installations across the city and can confirm that the blackshirts did indeed make their presence felt.

This brilliant sculpture, entitled simply “7” depicts the total number of league championships the Aces are predicted to win before the eventual collapse of the biosphere and the extinction of all life as we know it. The team is already at 5. Just saying.

In this dramatic piece, onlookers are awed into submission by the projection of an enormous letter ‘A’ against a brilliant white background. The bent over tree represents the broken dreams of the other teams in the COTHL, while the bridge symbolizes a connection to the legions of past Aces players whose shoulders the current team stands upon.

Other installations included an interactive exhibit where visitors were given the opportunity to shotgun a tallboy and then crush it with a giant metal boot. Very popular, although not as popular as the Zamboni Girls Gone Wild exhibit. Too bad that one got shut down by Toronto Public Health. Something about illegal use of domestic animals and misuse of city ice cleaning equipment.

In actual hockey news, the Aces did pull off another win in their most recent match. The Warriors were the victims this time in spite of recruiting several players from blue and red to bolster their bench. The Aces rolled over them 7-3 anyway.  Many players scored - Blair, uh, Pete D and a couple of others. Sorry, didn't take notes this week.

New Rules for a New Season

Some changes have been made

It's 2019. Western civilization continues to self-destruct. Madmen hold high office, the forests burn, the animals are disappearing, and Apple hasn't released a decent product since Steve Jobs checked out.

Naturally the world has but one all-important question on its collective mind: What's up with the Aces this year? Let's find out.

New Rules

The COTHL has responded to the record number of on-ice assaults, stabbings, homicides and other shenanigans in the 2018-2019 season by bringing in some strict new rules for this year. The new rule book is actually 700 pages long so I won't go into too much detail but here are a few of the highlights.

No swears. Anyone heard uttering a bad word on the ice will be immediately ejected from the game and sent to their room without a post-game beer. The list of banned words is long indeed, and includes such nuclear level utterances as ass, pussy, butthole, dick, fuckhead, shitbird, motherfucker and of course poopyface. Some other banned words might surprise you though, so players should read this section of the New Rules thoroughly to avoid unexpected suspensions. Some odd inclusions on the banned words list: Ford, mackeral, snowmobile, enema, amigo, brunch, airtime, and Alberta. Go figure. The rulebook says nothing about profanity in foreign languages, however, so as a service to the Black Aces your humble scribe has researched how to say 'asshole' in an assortment of non-English tongues.

French: connard, although this seems to be a catch-all word for several english bombs.
Czech:  kretén
Dutch:  kontgat
Estonian: sitapea
Finnish:  persereikä
German: Arschloch (has a nice ring to it)
Italian:  stronzo (the masculine version)
Norwegian:  drittsekk
Polish:  dupek
Spanish:  gilipollas
Ukrainian: mudak (rhymes with "Trump")


Pre-game prayers. All teams will be required to hold pre-game prayer meetings to ensure that each COTHL game is blessed by an officially sanctioned deity. Teams are expected to select from the list of acceptable gods in section 4.2.1 of the 2019 COTHL rulebook. City of Toronto bylaws do however prohibit human sacrifice, the slaughter of livestock, and sodomizing children on city property, so teams are advised to select their deity accordingly. At press time, only the Aces had yet to select a deity - the Wyse Guys went with Norse god Odin, the Battlers chose Egyptian deity Horus, and the Warriors of course picked Roman god of war Mars as their team deity, not that it will do them much good. Rumours persist that the Aces will sign Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds as their godly mascot. Appropriate for end times recreational hockey, at least.

Parking. Did you notice the new parking signs in the arena lot? Nice, eh? Not cheap though. To pay for these, all players will have to start paying $10 per game to park in front of them. Week 1 was a freebie. Use your Green P app to pony up or you might find your car towed away during the game. Spots without a sign are still free - there are 2 of these at the far end of the lot.

As for the Black Aces, the team won its first regular season game in a walk, handing a depleted Wyse Guys squad an 8-3 shellacking. Crisp passing and a relentless forecheck proved too much for the reds even though their roster was bolstered by the addition of some excellent Aces players. Goal scorers: Ralph with 2, Paul M with a pair, Blair with the first of many hat-tricks, and Pete T with a single.

Next game is the late time slot. Joe Himalaya has the diet cokes.

It's going to be epic.

Aces Score CBC TV Drama Deal

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces have just announced that they have inked a deal with Canada's national broadcaster, CBC Radio-Canada, for a 13 episode season of a new television drama.

Tentatively titled "On Yonder Blueline", the series will feature heartwarming yet difficult-to-watch mini-dramas starring Aces players and a cast of Canadian television superstars.

CBC Head of Player Development Ross McMansbridge spoke with reporters (from CBC's The National, of course) to explain the deal. "We felt that the team had finally achieved the perfect mix of mediocrity and anonymity we were looking for" said McMansbridge "As you know, our television drama lineup is widely regarded as the most mediocre content available, and after reviewing the season the Aces just finished we sent our best lawyers right over to get the deal done."

Aces spokesperson and player agent John Goalie was instrumental in getting the Aces signed to the Corp. "If I had to describe our 2018-2019 season, I would have to say it was 'not totally terrible' but also 'not that great'" said John. "'Right in the middle of the road' I'd say. Pretty forgettable, actually. I think we'll be a good fit on CBC Television."

With the ink still drying on the contract, CBC unionized screenwriters are already hard at work coming up with plot lines for the new series. Your scribe managed to get a look at some of the early ideas by bribing a secretary with a Tim Horton's plain donut, and by jingling some car keys in front of her. Here they are:

"Pete Drives Through" 

Aces power forward Pete S stops at a McDonald's drive-thru and orders some food. Then he eats it. In a cameo appearance Cynthia Dale tries to reach into the car to snatch Pete's chicken mcnuggets but he fends her off by opening his equipment bag and she staggers back into the night.

"Game Cancelled"  

Aces D man Jeff drives to the rink only to find the game has been cancelled. The camera follows him in a half-hour tracking shot as he drives despondently home in the freezing rain. The ghosts of Bruno Gerussi and Robert Clothier appear in the back seat and they all speak of the sea as the rain falls.

"Post Game Beverages" 

The Aces celebrate a 6-0 victory over White in the consolation finals by quietly sipping on cans of beer whilst in their underwear. Special guest appearance by Donny the Ref, who delivers a ten minute monologue on the finer points of section 8.2.3 of the OHL Rulebook. Very special guest appearance by Rita McNeil as Zamboni Girl. Viewer discretion is advised.






There you have it, sports and television drama fans. The Black Aces conclude another season but may be starting another, less exciting one.

No hoisting the cup this year but our 5 year run of consecutive championships is still safe. Training camp should iron out any minor issues in our game for next year, right? Right.

So you want to play D

Dear applicant;
Thank you for your recent letter indicating your interest in playing the position of Defenseman for the Black Aces Hockey Club. In order for us to process your application, we ask you to please complete the following questionnaire.

Q. What is the average speed of a typical COTHL wrist shot?
a) 22.2 m/s
b) 50 mph
c) 0.0000746% of the speed of light in a vacuum
d) I don’t care, I’ll block the shot no matter what

Q. Who is the greatest Toronto Maple Leaf of all time?

a) Bobby Baun
b) Ian Turnbull
c) Borje Salming
d) Tim Horton

Q. Who said “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

a) Captain James T Kirk
b) Isaac Newton
c) Albert Einstein
d) Jim McKenney

Q. The angle between the left point and the top right corner of the net in an NHL sized rink is:

a) 16.6 degrees
b) 38.1 degrees
c) It depends if the defenseman is shooting left or right
d) It doesn’t matter. Point shots should be low and hard, not aimed at the top corner.


Q. If Jimmy is skating north-northwest at 28 kilometres per hour and Joey is skating due south at 26 kilometres per hour, what time should you be in the dressing room for an 8:30 game?

a) 7:45
b) 8:29
c) midway through the second period
d) depends on the weather and/or McDonalds drive thru traffic

Q. Who said "Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt." ?

a) Sun Tzu in The Art of War
b) Lau Tzu in the Tao Te Ching
c) American WWII General George S. Patton
d) Bobby Orr in the middle of a mescaline binge with Derek Sanderson

This concludes the multiple choice section of the application.

Essay Question: in 500 words or less please explain why you feel you are qualified to play defence for the Black Aces. Please include detailed diagrams showing your top 3 preferred zone clearing strategies for even strength, shorthanded and power play situations.

Bonus question: who is your favourite Aces defenseman of all time?

Thank you for your interest. Successful candidates will be contacted by email the day of the next game. Keep your gear in the trunk just in case.

Aces Make a Deal

Local hockey team the Black Aces stunned both the hockey and aviation worlds this past week when they announced that they had made a deal with European aircraft manufacturer Airbus for one of the last A380s to roll off the assembly line. This followed the announcement by Airbus last week that they would discontinue the line of super-large passenger jets due to lack of sales.

"We were able to come to an agreement we were both happy with" said Aces' winger and avionics specialist Bruce H. "Airbus was in a tight spot and the team had a financial surplus with all the call-ups we've used this year. Turns out raising the pay-to-play fee to $20 per game was a great idea. It all adds up!"

The team would not divulge the purchase price of the brand new double-decker airliner, but it seems safe to say the Aces paid substantially less than the standard $445 Million retail price. That should leave some money left over for the planned custom upgrades the team negotiated with Airbus. Your humble scribe has managed to secure a partial list of these upgrades, listed here:

• Black and silver interior colour theme throughout.
  
• Full Sized Practice Rink - The A380 is the largest commercial aircraft ever built, so it should be easy to fit an NHL-sized hockey rink into the main level. There's even room for a zamboni and a cabin for the live-in driver. Applications are being accepted as we speak.
  
• Golf simulator - obviously you can't fit a full-sized golf course into an airplane, even an A380, so a 6 bay golf simulator will have to do. It does however have a full bar along with an in-house brewpub.
  
• Wave pool - this will help keep the Aces in shape for the summer surfing season
  
• Petting zoo - make sure to visit the Snake Farm area, the pythons love to be petted and zookeeper and Aces D man Simon C does a great job of keeping 'em frisky.
  
• Gentlemen's club - there will be a dress code, but Aces players can store their complimentary tailored suits in their individual cabins. Each cabin comes with its own butler, whose only task is to keep each suit dry-cleaned and ready to wear.
  
• Skeet shooting range - some modifications have been made to the top deck. Engineers are confident that removing a portion of the fuselage to allow the skeets to be launched into the air will probably not affect the plane's ability to actually fly. Probably.
• Trout pond - fully stocked with one thousand big beautiful Ontario trout. Boat rentals available.
• Parking deck - for the exclusive use of the official Black Aces stretch limo fleet

Your Armani is ready, sir

The deal for the plane is contingent on the team following through on their initial downpayment, said to be "a couple of pies and more than a few beers at Ferro" by Aces chief negotiator and elder statesman Rich W. Rumours of 'personal favours' remain unsubstantiated and will be vigorously defended against by team attorneys. To that end, the fee for next year will be $250,000 per player. Call-ups will pay $2.5 million per game. Team actuarial specialist Mike M calculates the plane will be fully paid off "long before our sun goes supernova, I can assure you."

Not to worry, everyone.

Now that the distraction of buying a new toy is behind them, Aces' management is probably hoping to avoid any further losses like the one the team suffered at the hands of the Team With the Ugly Blue Sweaters. No scoring to report, sadly.

GoalieCon 2019

Dear Goalie,

Welcome to Halifax and welcome to GoalieCon 2019!

Please check your swag bag to make sure you have all the free goodies you’ll need for the 3 days of goalie-related events, including your complimentary bottomless pint glass (to be used at the Blue Paint beer hall in the conference centre - as much free beer as you can handle), an iPad Pro, and a gift certificate for a new Brian’s GSP1 Custom Goalie Stick. A special thank you to all the rent-a-goalies who donated their fees this past year to pay for the swag.

If you are a speaker or panel participant please check in early and be sure to adhere to the mandatory dress code for on-stage participants. Off-the-rack suits are not permitted, only tailored. If you need assistance with your attire please visit the complimentary pre-conference bespoke tailoring booth for an upgrade.

Here are some of the highlights of our lineup for 2019:

Saturday

After registration please enjoy a complimentary full breakfast by Chef Joel Robuchon, world-famous for having 28 Michelin stars and for throwing a plate at Gordon Ramsay's head.

Opening remarks by Ken Dryden. Theme: How to Talk to Forwards Without Lowering Your Own IQ

Guest Speaker and physicist Andrey Gromov presents “Using Quantum Geometry to Calculate Optimal Net-Covering Angles for non-NHL Dimension Ice Hockey Arenas”

Sunday

Scotch Tasting with Angus McCann of Glenora Distilleries, Glenville NS. Sample some fine local scotch with fellow like-minded goalies of discerning taste. No limit on samples.

A 2-hour on-ice training session with NHL goaltenders Carey Price, Frederik Anderson, Roberto Luongo and Connor Hellebuyck (thank you NHL All Star Weekend). Includes a full set of new gear and mask, so no need to bring your own. Not you, Frank D’Angelo.

Monday

Panel Discussion: Defensemen - Incredibly Skilled or Just Amazingly Talented?

Complimentary Massage by the Elite Swedish All-Girls Massage Team, making their third consecutive appearance at GoalieCon. Welcome back, girls! Thanks to Joe P. of the Black Aces HC for arranging the flight from Stockholm, by way of Bucerias.

Final presentation: full HD video of the Black Aces triumphant 3-3 tie with the first place Battlers. The Aces nearly tipped their post-season hand by thumping the ugly-shirted blue team 3-0, but eventually remembered to stick to the 'sandbagging' strategy and allowed their opponents to sneak 3 late goals to tie the game. 2 goals for Martin, 1 for Pete T.

Aces Victory Spawns Super Blood Wolf Moon

In a turn of astronomical events that astronomers are calling ‘astronomical’, the world witnessed an unexpected Super Blood Wolf Moon on January 20. The rare lunar eclipse was not scheduled to occur for another 7 months, but scientists have now confirmed that a 2 game winning streak by Toronto hockey team the Black Aces is in fact somehow responsible for the early timing of the event.

“Zis is most unusual, jah?” said Prof. Ernst Kagalhausenschiffsteinitzbergenvald of the Vienna Astronomical Society. “Ve normally do not see planetary bodies change zair position in space due to incredibly minor events here on ze earth. First it vas ze 3-0 vin against ze Vyse Guys, zen a 3-1 wictory over za Warriors. Why is zis happening? Nobody cares about zis team.”

As everyone is now aware, a Super Blood Wolf Moon is a larger than normal moon in total eclipse and appears blood red in the sky. What can skywatchers expect if the current streak of hockey superiority continues? Professor Kagalhausenschiffsteinitzbergenvald was kind enough to share his notes with me.

Aces Win a 3rd Straight Game:

Awesome Plasma Tiger Moon

• Appears twice normal size
• Black and orange stripes
• Insists on belly rubs

Aces Finish in First Place:

Unwieldy Vodka Vulture Moon

• Looms ominously on the horizon, unmoving for 24 hours
• Emits a foul smell, terrifies small mammals and the very elderly

Former Aces Players Return from DL:

Gigantic Whisky Gorilla Moon

• Moves to within 100 miles of earth
• Repeatedly calls and texts
• Earth has to get restraining order

Aces Win the COTHL for the 7th Time:

Humongous Tequila Dinosaur Moon

• Spins erratically in its orbit
• Picks a fight with Mars
• eventually killed by an asteroid

Aces Advance to NHL Playoffs:

Stupendous Kool Aid Godzilla Moon

• Bright purple colour
• Lands on earth, flattening Tokyo
• keeps shouting "OOOOhhhhh Yaaaaahhhh"

Aces Win Stanley Cup:

Ridiculous Antifreeze Zamboni Moon

• Moon collapses into a black hole, sucking the earth and everything else inside the orbit of Jupiter across its event horizon.
• Everyone dies.
• Ice at Phil White improves slightly

The fate of the solar system is in our hands, Aces. 

Forward Momentum

Yay!

Gather 'round, wingers and centremen, and listen to a story about a game of hockey.

Once upon a time there was a hockey team called the Aces. They were good friends and they were a good team and they won lots of games and even trophies. Then as time went by they didn’t win as much any more. They were still friends but now they had grey hairs all over and some Aces even had new pieces put in and couldn’t play any more, at least for a while. Other teams had new players who could skate fast and didn’t have as many grey hairs, and they won more games than the Aces.

Even the Baby Jesus was sad about this.

Then one week the Aces played the red team. The red team beat the Aces already before and thought they could beat the Aces again, but the Aces thought “fuck that shit” and played really really hard against the red team. By the time the red team woke up it was already 2-0 Aces, and even though they tried to catch up it was too late. While the red team was trying to cause trouble on the ice like bunch of a-holes and the refs were standing around with their dicks in their hands, the Aces were busy scoring again. The final score was Aces 3, red 0. 

And the Aces drank happily ever after, in contravention of municipal rules prohibiting the consumption of alcohol on city arena property.

The end.

For D's Eyes Only

Look away, non-defenseman types. There's nothing for you here.

Greetings fellow Defensemen! This week’s roundup of news and achievements, as always, is meant for your eyes only. Under no circumstances should it be shared with any forward or, god forbid, a goalie. Not that they’d understand it anyway though, amirite?

First up, let’s all congratulate Al H on his latest successful patent. This one is for a new keel design for high performance sailboats that virtually eliminates cavitation at high speeds. As you know this has been a significant problem for the sport and has prevented racing craft from reaching their full potential. This might be a good time to buy more stock in Al’s company, I think this could be another  winner.

Moving from sea to sky, I’m sure you’ve heard about the Chinese landing the Chang’e 4 spacecraft on the far side of the moon last week. What you didn’t hear about was the experiment that was on board, which included a sophisticated autonomous robot that will explore the surface and conduct soil sample analysis. That robot was built in his garage over the past year by none other than new Aces D-man  Mike M. Look for his technical paper in upcoming issues of both Scientific Canadian and Defenseman Quarterly. Well done, Mike.

Welcome back to Simon this week, who has been working on completing his PhD the past couple of weeks (the illness was just a cover story, we don’t want to alarm the non-defensemen on the team by using big words or “ideas”). He successfully defended his thesis last week, which as you know was about using tensor networks as a new tool to describe strongly entangled quantum many-body systems. Great stuff! Simon will be presenting his paper in May at the Perimeter Institute in Waterloo.

I’m not sure I should even report this next piece since Pete T moved “up” to the forward line this week, but rumour has it that Mr T has just signed a deal with Penguin Books to publish his new autobiography. It’s part one of three and it’s called Pete T: My LIfe as a Fighter Pilot / Scientist / Mountain Climber / Drummer / Defenseman - That's Right, I Did All Those Things. There's no point in being humble when you're awesome, is there?

As for me, I’ve just secured second round investment funding for my new brainwave-controlled drone piloting system. We should be ready with an IPO by year’s end, so I’ll give you plenty of notice so you can alert your brokers. Same as last time. We’re going to make a killing.

And finally a big shout-out and thank you to Dr. B. Salming, ex-Leaf defender and now heart surgeon who operated on Rich W this past week. Thanks to Dr. Salming's skill and steady hands our Aces teammate and good friend is on the road to recovery and should be back in the lineup in no time.

That’s it for this week, guys. Don’t forget - this blog never happened and if a forward asks you about it just start talking about barbecue or NFL football. If a goalie asks anything, just grunt and smile and crush your beer can.

Wait, I almost forgot - Battlers 6, Aces 2. We were mentally ready for White, not Blue, so came up a little short. Something something steaks, "Grunt grunt" *crushes beer can*.