COTHL League Contraction Rumoured

In a move sure to cause controversy in the elite Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, local team the Aces (full name: Aubrey's Himalayan Expeditions Black Aces Hockey & Social Club) has moved to have the four team league reduced to just two.

After once again soundly defeating the red-shirted Wyse Guys this past week, this time by a score of 10-4, the Aces crew appear to be solidly behind the move to contract the league.

Red, But Not White or Blue

Team pastry chef and 3-goal scorer Andrew T. explains: "This year we seem to be able to beat only the red team, so we're petitioning the league fathers to eliminate the other two teams. Pretty simple, really."

"This will only work, mind you, if players from the Battlers and Warriors squads are not permitted to join the Wyse Guys" said team lead guitarist and single goal getter Bob J. "That would defeat the whole purpose of this thing, which is to increase our chances of winning the championship this year."

"If our request is turned down" said team apiarist and 4-goal scorer Ralph R "then we have a backup plan. We've already filled out the forms for joining the new Rob Ford Memorial Ringette League for Overweight Women out in Etobicoke. I hear it's not very competitive, so we should be fine."

Other team members appeared non-committal, however. Single goal scorers Rich W and Paul F are both in favour of a 'wait and see' approach. "I think we should hold off for now" said team cryptologist Paul F "and see if we can carry this momentum into the Christmas shinny game next week. I think we may have turned a corner here." Rich W agreed, saying he also favoured the cautious approach. "Let's see how well we do in this meaningless game of pond hockey first. I've got a good feeling about this one."

Satriani 1, Aces 0

In his first visit to Toronto in many years, 80s guitar god Joe Satriani played to a nearly full Massey Hall last night and totally delivered the rock and/or roll goods. With a competent if unflashy backing band, Satriani ripped through some of the excellent new tunes on his recently released Black Swans and Wormhole Wizards disc as well as many old favourites.

Say what you want about the coolness of this kind of music these days, but Joe really puts on a great show. He's like some kind of guitar playing machine - he never puts a foot wrong, it seems. From fluid, legato lines to beefy metal power chords Joe is in total command of his instrument (a fleet of identical but differently-coloured Ibanez solid body guitars) at all times.

To wit:

In other news, the Black Aces did not apparently fare too well in their most recent contest. Sometime sniper Brian M compared the team's performance to that of the truck driver in this clip:

Hockey Leaks

From: North Korean Embassy, Toronto

To: Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il

Subject: North Korean Hockey Program

Security Level: Classified

Dear Leader, plan proceeding according to your most excellent wishes. Top secret spy program to secure secrets of Canadian hockey greatness will most definitely succeed!

Have found secret training camp for Canadian players of highest talent. Name: Cedarvale Old Timer Hockey League. Players very good, very fast. Team of Black Aces most dangerous of all teams. Demonstrate superior skills against Wise Men team with red shirts. Aces can last game defeat Wise Men so bad, they change name to Wise Girls! Scoring five for Aces zero for Wise team! Have secured film of game in new Super 8 style, and send to you quickly now!

Next game in 3 days, all operative in place to kidnap Black Aces team and transport back to Democratic People's Republic of North Korea to train DPRK national ice hockey team. Have injected after game alcoholic beverages with powerful sedative (English name: 'roofies') for easy and problem-free roundup.

Also B Plan ready! If Aces team lose next game then roofie dose double and Aces fly instead to DPRK Army Good Time Soldier Recreation Camp for train as comfort boys.

Also, top secret - Defending player and blog typist Jeff M not playing next game. Instead attend decadent rock music show of Italian-American guitar player Joe Satriani. Not matter. Other defense player can learn to give away puck too.

Bench Strength = Ice Weakness

Former league-leaders the Black Aces suffered their second consecutive loss this past week as the Bloor Battlers cruised to a 5-2 victory over the blackshirts.

An unexpected convergence of player availability on the Aces' side led to extreme overcrowding on the bench. The Aces attempted to roll 4 lines and 6 defense, but the line-change algorithm proved to complex for the team to master.

"I had no idea what was going on out there" said team Pilates expert Aubrey S after the game. "The coach tried to explain the math behind the line changes before the game but all those quadratic equations made my eyes glaze over. I figured someone else would understand it but I guess not."

Game footage was unavailable at press time, but we do have an illustrative video of the chaos that took place at the Aces bench:

Several players apparently gave up on ever getting onto the ice and opted instead to start an impromptu poker tournament while waiting for their next shift. Injured winger Rich W stepped in to play the house and walked away with over $400 from a few hands of Texas Hold'em. "Looks like the Battlers weren't the only winners tonight" remarked Rich after the game, stuffing a huge roll into his jacket pocket. "Thanks, boys."

Team physicist and guest lecturer at Waterloo's Perimeter Institute Andrew T is currently hard at work on a simpler line-change formula. "Apparently my perfectly simple and elegant algorithm was 'too complicated' for the geniuses on the Aces" said an air-quoting Andrew "So I'll try make it easier to understand in case we ever get a full turnout again."

That seems unlikely given the rumoured retirement of Art W (starting a sheep farm in New Zealand), Paul F (dropping out of society to follow the band Down With Webster around the world on their upcoming tour), Raj C (opening an oyster bar on King Street W) and Joe Himalaya (opening a school for wayward teenage Mexican chambermaids at an undisclosed location). There should be plenty of room on the bench from now on, and the line change formula will probably not contain any irrational numbers or references to Planck's Constant.

Aces Hockey Club Earns Fitting Post-Game Reward

In their most recent COTHL wednesday night game, area hockey team the Black Aces were greeted by a post-game surprise that eerily matched their efforts for the previous 45 minutes.

Going down 6-2 to the Warriors, the Aces were rewarded afterwards with giant bag of... women's cosmetics. Quickly pouncing on the stash, with an estimated street value of $800, the Aces made quick work of distributing the loot. Blush, eyeliner, nail polish, 'charged water' and many other mysterious products found their way into the Aces' equipment bags and eventually into the waiting and appreciative hands of girlfriends and spouses. Perhaps both.

"This is perfect" said team nail technician Bruce H "We played like girls tonight, and now look at all this great stuff... for our girlfriends... or spouses."

Coming just a week after a Heroic Comeback Effort, the loss knocked the blackshirts out of a first place tie with the Warriors.

"Sure we're disappointed" said team waxing technologist Raj C. "But look, I scored some wicked foundation! This stuff is worth like eighty bucks retail! Christmas shopping complete."

Team Sugardaddy Bob J, the source of the unexpected bounty, refused to reveal where the swanky toiletries had come from. "I'm not at liberty to say" said Bob "but if we lose like that again I'll be bringing in a truckload of Bon Jovi CDs and some Thighmasters ^®."

Aces Make History with Heroic Comeback Effort

When the white man arrived in North America, 75 million bison roamed the great plains, filling the earth from horizon to horizon. As the railroad pushed westward, the American government ordered the bison slaughtered in order to make way for cattle ranchers and their herds and by 1895 it was said that fewer than 1,000 animals remained. Fast forward to present day, however, and the bison are making a comeback. Thanks to ranchers in both Canada and the U.S. and to foodie elites with a taste for exotic meat there are now 500,000 and that number is growing.

Is this the greatest comeback story of all time? No.

In 1975 a young actor named John Travolta starred in the hit tv comedy Welcome Back Kotter. Travolta would later go on to fame as the lead in such films as Saturday Night Fever and Urban Cowboy before flaming out in string of duds, including Perfect (with Jamie Lee Curtis) and the forgettable Two of a Kind with Olivia Newton John. Travolta's career hit the deck, hard, but was revived in 1994 by director Quentin Tarantino when he cast the down-and-out actor in Pulp Fiction, thus saving his career and possibly his life.

Is this, then, the greatest comeback story of all time? Again, no.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010. Local hockey team the Black Aces are up against their league rivals the Wyse Guys once again. Things go well until midway through the first period, when the red shirts strike for 2 quick goals and pull into a 3-1 lead. Things looked bleak for the blackshirts. Energy levels were 50% below normal, and team sparkplug Art W. was mysteriously absent, perhaps due to a tragic barbecue mishap. Aces backup goalie Aubrey S. was giving it his all but the team was missing regular backstop Raj C, who was in South Beach Florida for his annual full body waxing. Fans were already heading for the exits.

Then, a miracle! A fluke goal careens off a defending red player's skate and eludes the volatile Wyse Guys' keeper. Another quick tally and the game is tied, and the red team is subjected to a steady barrage of insults and put-downs from their netminder. Their morale is shattered, as they are sensitive boys and prone to self-pity when criticized. Sensing the tide has turned, the black shirts pour on the pressure and shoot ahead to a 6-3 lead before finally cruising home to a 6-4 final.

Is this then, the greatest comeback of all time? Hardly. But it might be the greatest comeback of November 10, 2010 and that's not bad.

Prime Minister Blocks Sale of Aces HC

In a move that has the global investment community not at all perplexed, Canadian PM Stephen Harper this week decided to block the takeover bid for Toronto area hockey team the Black Aces by international businessman Richard Branson.

Said Industry Minister Tony Clement "We just didn't feel it was in the best interests, or in fact any interest at all, of Canadians. Or anyone else for that matter."

When asked why the sale was blocked, Clement would only say that the Prime Minister was 'not a big fan of that Branson douche, or his ridiculous hair'.

Bay Street analysts spent minutes poring over the details of the non-deal, the scuttling of which now threatens the future of the Cedarvale Oldtimers' Hockey League. Rumours of the pending buyout sent Aces players on a spending and partying spree last week, with at least 5 players arriving to the game in expensive new cars.

After the announcement, team banjo tuner Bob J. threw an almost full bottle of Cristal to the ground in disgust. "How am I going to return this motherf***ing Escalade to the dealer now, bitch? I already pimped it out with a hot tub and 3D motherf***ing TV! Damn!"

"What? The deal fell through?" said team barbecue cleaner Art W. "I just bought first class airline tickets for my wife's entire family to fly to Toronto for Christmas! There's 43 of them! What the f***? I thought this was a done deal."

Other players were reportedly scrambling to return luxury items with varying levels of success.

"If I can't bring these gold chains back to Cartier" said Aces goalie and Diwali expert Raj C. "I'm going to have to go and see Russell Oliver... I think I just threw up in my mouth there, a little."

The Aces legal team has hired Rob Ford as their new spokesman and are now in talks with Virgin to try to revive the deal under new, more favourable terms. "That fat f**k Ford is well known as a man of action" said team cribbage champion Maurice vV. "and he's not doing anything until he's sworn in as mayor anyway, so we called him up. He agreed to not only help us out with the contract, but also to get our garbage picked up, our leaves raked, and to score us some cheap Oxycontin before next game."

Branson, meanwhile (pictured above with what would have been the Aces cheerleading squad) was philosophical about the failed deal. "I own a spaceship, did you know that?" said Branson from his Caribbean island home. "A motherf***ing spaceship!"

Lets hope the legal distractions don't affect the Aces' play this week, since last week's game was pretty much ruined by all the pre-game shopping and partying. The blackshirts fell 5-3 to a so-so Bloor Battlers squad, mainly due to bad bounces and champagne hangovers.

In a bid to avert another sub-par performance, the Black Aces Blog is pleased to present this inspirational video just in time for this week's game:

Watch The Crusher

Aces Release List of Demands in Virgin Takeover Bid

Immediately following confirmation of the recently rumoured bid by Virgin CEO Richard Branson to purchase Toronto area hockey club the Black Aces, Aces legal representative and sometime left-winger Paul Ferris has released the team's list of contract demands.

In a hastily-called news conference at Aces' St. Clair Avenue W. headquarters (Ferro's restaurant, the big table way in the back) Ferris outlined a list of preconditions to the sale of the team.

"We are intrigued by the interest of Mr. Branson" said Ferris through his 'interpreter', a 21 year-old Icelandic erotic film star known only as 'Bjonk'. "If he is serious in his desire to purchase the team then he will have to satisfy our requirements in full. These are as follows.

"One. Every team member must be allowed one trip per year on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship 2. Includes full bar service and a nice set of headphones, not those shitty ones you usually get on commercial flights.

"Two. The Aces demand a year-end party hosted by Virgin Records recording artist Iggy Pop. Drinks are to be served by the Spice Girls. It's not like they're doing anything else these days anyway. And that David Beckham dude is not invited. If he shows up, the deal is off.

"Three. Richard Branson himself is to supply the post-game beer at all future Aces games. No domestic brands allowed unless pre-approved by team biermeister Bruce 'Ziggy' Harbinson. All relevent Bavarian Purity Laws apply.

"Four. Mr. Branson is to fully re-imburse the participants of the now infamous end-of-season party at Rodney's Oyster Bar. With interest.

"Five. Virgin is to cover in full all costs associated with Aces team members being ticketed by Toronto Police for travelling the wrong way on Arlington Ave on the way to the game on wednesdays.

"Six. The Aces require Virgin Records recording artists the Rolling Stones to be on standby at every Aces game. When the Aces score, the Stones are to immediately launch into "Rip This Joint" from their 1972 magnum opus "Exile on Main Street". If the Aces' opponents score, the Stones are to play "I Got the Blues" instead.

"This is a preliminary list of our demands" said Bjonk, in Icelandic. "If they are not met, there is no deal. That is all."

The Aces are said to be currently waiting for a response from Mr. Branson, whilst considering a similar competing offer from Toronto are multimillionaire mayor Rob Ford.

In other news, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces again defeated the hapless Warriors, this time by a score of 3-1. Goals by Jeff, Aubrey and Mike, more solid netminding from Raj. The team is on a roll, apparently un-perturbed by rumours of the Branson takeover.

Aces HC Clownsize Wyse Guys

In the most recent contest between local ice hockey team Aubrey's Aces and their somewhat arch-rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces so thoroughly dominated their opponents that hockey writers and broadcasters around the country are now scrambling to coin new superlatives to describe the game.

Sure, sports mediapersons already have approximately 10⁶ synonyms for "win", but none of these was up to the task of adequately depicting the Aces' 9-0 pummeling of the Wyse Guys. It was that big.

In the interest of assisting my professional brethren, I hereby humbly submit my Top 10 List of New Synonyms for "Win", or "Winonyms" if you prefer.

10. Scrotumming. As in "the Aces delivered a thorough scrotumming to the hapless Wyse Guys".

9. Sklermfarble. "The Aces dominance of the Wyse Guys was so complete that the game descended into a sklermfarble by the third period".

8. Harpering. Based on the friendly management style of our current PM. "The Aces handed the Wyse Guys a total Harpering last wednesday, leaving the red shirts whimpering and bawling like little babies, or ex-communications directors."

7. RobFordian. "The Aces brought out a can of whoop-ass of RobFordian dimensions." Refers only to Mr. Ford's physical ginormity, nothing to do with any election results (pending as of the writing of this report).

6. Clownsize. As in "The Wyse Guys were completely clownsized last game by the Aces."

5. Blackholed. Describes a complete crushing out of physical existence, as when something falls into a black hole. "The Wyse Guys will be unavailable for any future games as they were blackholed last week by a superior Aces squad."

4. Cockwhipped. Self-explanatory, really. "Looks like the Aces had the bigger dicks this week, Jim." "Right you are, Bob. They totally cockwhipped the Wyse Guys again."

3. Enemized. Refers to the process of knocking the shit out of one's opponents. "The poor Wyse Guys were simply enemized this week by a stronger Aces team, who managed to hold onto their own shit quite nicely."

2. ChuckNorrisment. "The Wyse Guys suffered a virtual chucknorrisment at the hands of the mighty Aces this past week."

1. Ballardization. To screw something up absolutely completely, over and over again. "The Wyse Guys defensive game this week can only be described as a sickening ballardization of the game of hockey."

To all the Jims and Bobs and Randys out there in TV, radio and print: I give my consent for you to use any or all of these terms in your next article or broadcast.

Game stats, for those who want the numbers: Aces 9, Wyse Guys 0.

Scoring for the blackshirts: Brian with 2, Art also with 2, plus singles from Ralph, Joe, Al, Bob and Rich.

And of course an outstanding game in net by Raj. The score did not tell the whole story as the Wyse Guys played hard to the final buzzer. And still they were cockwhipped.

Substandard Conditions in Athletes' Village Take Aces Off Their Game

In spite of assurances by Indian authorities that substandard conditions in the athletes' village had been rectified, Aces players appeared to be suffering some ill effects from their accomodations this week as they fell 4-3 to a focused Warriors squad.

"There's no hot water in the showers" whined Aces forward and channa tester Paul Ferris "It's all I can think about when I'm on the ice." Other players voiced similar complaints, including:

• "A monkey stole my skates" - Mike K
• "I am so sick of Kingfisher beer it's not even funny" - Al H
• "There's a cow in my room. I can't sleep" - Ralph R
• "I found a cobra in my jockstrap. Hiyo!" - Bruce H
• "All my equipment was stolen, and I had to buy it back from a homeless family for 10,000 rupees. I was saving that money for monkey repellent!" - Maurice V

Apparently all the distractions have had a negative impact on the Aces' game, since they could not mount the same kind of attack that propelled them to an 8-3 victory in week one. In spite of goals from Aubrey, Rich, and another player whose name I forget now, the blackshirts came out on the losing end of things.

Aces coach Aubrey S has promised to bring a more focused team to next week's match, going so far as to cancel a scheduled trip to Mrs Sangeeta's International House of Sexual Delights and Fine Discount Tailoring (pictured below).

Let's hope this tactic works.

Aces Sign New Bob, Whip Wyse Guys Asses

The 2010-2011 COTHL season began with a victory for the Black Aces, who appear set to continue their domination of the regular season once again. As per the team charter, the Aces have secured the services of at least one Bob for this year, a tradition that dates back to the early days of the league in the 1930s. That year the black shirts cruised to overall victory with the help of Black Bob McNastyman, an out of work police officer (suspended for being too mean to the Irish residents of Cabbagetown, if you can believe it) with a laser-like wrist shot (this was in the days before slap shots. Or lasers, for that matter) and a mean-streak a mile wide. Black Bob wasn't actually black, his nickname referred to the colour of his eyes when he set his sights on his next victim. Also to his teeth. Dentistry wasn't yet much in vogue in 1930s Toronto, and Bob's British heritage pretty much ensured his status as 'dentally challenged'.

Since that season every Aces team has employed at least one Bob. This year's Bob is again a defenseman with a laser-like wrist shot, as shown by his 2 goal performance in the Aces' 8-3 demolition of the red shirted Wyse Guys squad.

Besides New Bob, the difference in Game One had to be goaltending. Aces keeper Raj C looked sharp all night long, while the red goalie looked... like the opposite of sharp. Some questionable goals early on led to a visible deflation of the red team, which only led to more goals from black, which led to lower morale on red, and so on. This in spite of a red team rolling what looked like 3 full lines versus 2-lines-plus-one on side black.

Other scorers, to the best of my recollection: Ralph with 2, plus one each for Mike, Aubrey, Rich, and Joe Two-Names.

A big welcome back to team sponsor Joe Himalaya, in town dropping off a load of tequila worms from his Mexican ranch. Joe is only around for a couple of weeks before heading back to the ranch, so make sure your sweaters are freshly cleaned and pressed next week, lads. We want to make sure we get good rates for the team Christmas party this year.

As a special 'welcome back' feature, your blog host is pleased to present a short inspirational video suggested by team owner and rolfing specialist Aubrey Spring: Life in the Beer League

Aces Defenseman Sleeps Through Victory

In the last regular season game of 2009-2010, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces managed an efficient 4-2 victory over league rivals the Wyse Guys in spite of being down one key member of their defense corps. D-man and team bibliophile Al Heavenrich spent the entire game at home snoozing while his teammates were forced to take up the slack.

While Aces defense are well-known for periodic naps during games, this is the first time they have attempted to employ the strategy away from the rink. At approximately 22:30h Heavenrich posted this apologetic email: "I was reading before leaving for the game and fell asleep... Woke up now! Aargh!" This of course would have been some 45 minutes after the official start time for the game (but in actual fact only 15 minutes after the puck was finally dropped). Team utility infielder Aubrey Spring was pressed into service, and the D managed to hold the Wyse Guys to a pair in spite of their own occasional displays of somnambulance.

A more or less full turnout helped power the Aces past their opponents, who were unable to keep pace with their younger, fitter, better-looking opponents. Plus, the blackshirts were pleased to welcome back Olympians Raj and Rich, which may have provided some additional inspiration.

Next week is game one of the playoffs. So remember to keep following your strict fitness regimen this week. All team members are expected to complete the following exercises prior to next wednesday:

Pushups: at least 3, but no more than 5
Situps: 5 full situps or 1 'crunch' (optional)
Curls: 10 reps, full tallboy each arm (acceptable substitute = 100 reps using a Coors light)
Yoga: No.

Anyone watching the full P90X infomercial is exempt from all requirements.

Aces Take Two Game Series 12-10

While hockey fans the world over were being distracted by the Olympics, Toronto hockey team Aubrey’s Aces completed a 2 game series with the Warriors this past wednesday, emerging victorious by a 12-10 margin and retaining their hold on first place in the COTHL.

As fans will recall, game one of the series was held January 27. In that game, the mighty Aces easily swept the weakling Warriors aside by a 9-3 margin. That comfortable cushion was enough to allow the Aces to use game 2 as a rest day, ensuring that optimal energy levels are maintained in the run-up to the playoffs. The blackshirts opted to go with a full bench, evenly spreading the effort level around the team so that no single player would have to over-exert himself.

The Warriors, meanwhile, foolishly expended large amounts of energy through all three periods of the game, repeatedly engaging in unwise displays of aggressive forechecking, rugged defensive play, and fuel-inefficient end-to-end rushes. Aces team calorimetrics expert Mike King estimates that the game cost the Warriors 15 kilojoules per goal... per player! The fools. “At this rate” laughed King after the game, peering up from his scientific calculator “They will be out of gas before the playoffs even begin! What a bunch of n00bs!”

The final result in game 2 was a 3-7 “loss”, but of course the actual final score was 12-10 in favour of the Aces. More importantly, the Aces were able to maintain full energy reserves, which will be crucial down the home stretch and into the post-season.

The Magnificent Seven or Eight

A cold wind blows across an empty ice rink, somewhere in central Toronto. Don’t ask how a wind can blow indoors, ok? It just does. And it’s cold.

The gate opens with a bang, and the Wyse Guys stream onto the ice - player after player after player until the rink is half full of circling skaters, perhaps 35 in all.

A few moments pass before the Aces appear... seven players in total. Goalie Raj plus only six skaters: Maurice, Al and Jeff on defense, and Ralph, Mike, and Brian up front. That’s it. Seven stalwart men in black jerseys against a swirling army of foes.

The outcome seemed a foregone conclusion; the Aces would fall for the second week in a row. How could it not come to pass? Against a force five times their size the Aces, though mighty beyond reckoning, could not possibly prevail... or could they?

The first sign that things would not go entirely the Wyse Guys’ way came before the first puck was dropped. A shadowy figure appears behind the Aces’ bench, and the key to the room is passed to him - Joe TwoNames has arrived, and the team would soon have one more pair of legs and lungs to send into battle. That would mean seven skaters plus a goalie, and more importantly, two spares on the bench at all times.

The first period saw the Aces not only keep pace with their fully-stocked opponents, but actually outplay, outshoot and outchance them. Thanks to some solid play by the Wyse Guys’ goalkeeper the period ended in a 0-0 draw. In the Aces net Raj was also showing that he was very much on his game, turning aside several tough chances.

The Wyse Guys, however, would slowly pull away in periods two and three. Taking advantage of the Aces’ diminishing energy levels, the Guys would put the puck in the net twice before the Aces could answer with any goals of their own.

But answer they did, with goals from Ralph and Brian. The game was tied 2-2 heading into the final few minutes and the Aces were seriously out of gas. A mad scramble around the Aces goal and the puck was shoved over the line! Only to be called back by a brave call by ref Donny: at least one enemy player was in the crease at the time of the goal and it was waived off.

Final score: 8 Aces 2, 35 Wyse Guys also 2. Do the math: Aces clearly win on goals per player ratio.

And finally, a plea for all Aces players currently deployed overseas to get on the next flight home. That means Art W, currently in India seeking enlightenment through consumption of massive quantities of cheap Indian beer, and Joe Himalaya, presently in hiding from the Mexican mafia somewhere in Puerto Vallarta.

Aces Resume Mid-Season Tailspin

Only a week after riding high on a stunning one game win streak, the mighty Aces now find themselves languishing in first place in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League after a humiliating loss to the powerful last place Bloor Battlers.

This, remember, comes hot on the heels of an earlier one game losing streak the week before. The unpredictable Aces are now officially in the midst of an all out death spiral. Can second place be far behind?

Game details

The Battlers iced 6 full lines and 8 defense versus the Aces more casual 6-ish forwards and 4 (give or take) D. This disparity would prove the difference in the end, as the Aces could not maintain the necessary pace for the full 3 periods. The Battlers meanwhile were rolling their 6 lines all night with support from a team of massage therapists, nutritionists, and sport psychologists. The Aces never stood a chance.

Aces mountaineering expert Joe Himalaya has promised to level the playing field on his return by keeping the bench fully stocked with top quality Chinese-made oxygen tanks scavenged from the slopes of Everest. Something to look forward to come playoff time.

Final score: 6-2 for the bad guys, but fuck them anyway. They can have their hollow midseason win. Who cares if their star players have started showing up again? The Aces are solid for the playoffs, once all of their star players start showing up. Which should be next week, since we’re back to the early time slot.

In the meantime, please enjoy this week’s video presentation of a turtle having a really good time.

Aces Finally End Devastating One Game Losing Streak

January 27 saw local hockey team Aubrey’s Aces score a decisive 9-3 blowout of league basement-dwellers the Warriors, ending their frustrating losing streak at one game.

“We finally got that monkey off our backs.” said team primatologist Al Heavenrich. “You could tell it was really causing everyone a lot of stress. There were even a couple of fights at practice.”

The Aces were backstopped by backup goalie and team feng shui consultant Aubrey Spring. “We really had a lot of good Qi on our side.” said Spring “Very good energy, especially around our net. Plus it felt great to end that awful one game slide.”

Around the other net, the Aces were all business all the time. Team eschatologist Bruce Harbinson buried the Warriors almost singlehandedly with a hat trick, and callups Alex and Don (?) chipped in with some solid play at both ends of the rink.

Again, the blackshirts were running a short bench, but again, 2 lines and 3 defensemen were all they needed to crush the opposition. The Aces have decided to rest some key personnel, sending Art and Joey to the Far East for top secret Puck Fu training in advance of the playoffs. Good luck, boys. Don’t drink the water.

Aces Mediocre in Meaningless Midseason Match

In their latest game, the Aces HC took a short break from their relentless march to glory to hand the Wyse Guys a false-confidence-boosting victory.

The Blackshirts were down to 2 lines and 4 D, a couple of bodies short of the opposition, who had pretty much a full bench. Not that that was the difference though, as the Aces have proved in the past that they are capable of delivering a whuppin‘ to any other team in the COTHL with or without a full lineup.

Was it a team-wide power failure? A lack of cohesion amongst a normally tight-knit group of dedicated and talented players? No, this was more a case of midseason ennui than a case of being outplayed. These are the dog days of winter, after all, when even highly trained athletes like Maurice Le VanVeghel find it tough to get motivated.

“I am zees way ev-ery Janvier” said a nonchalent Le VV apres le contest, casually smoking a Gitane and clutching a dogeared copy of Camus’ L’Etranger in the team dressing room. “Viss ze ‘oliday saison ovair, I cannot care so much about life. I do not care if ze ozair team zey skate by me, or if zey can score. Meh. My heart she is as black as zees Aces jersey, and ze rats zey have infested my soul.”

No-show Swervin Barry Pervin was even more laid back, deciding to skip the game altogether in favour of catching a TMZ marathon on the Bio channel. “I was going to go to the game, dude, seriously.” said the normally pugilistic Pervin from his Lazyboy armchair. “But I just couldn’t get it together, not with all this vital celebrity news to watch on tv. Did we win? Oh who am I kidding? I couldn’t care less. Never mind. ”

The game was actually a reasonably close affair given the almost complete lack of interest shown by the Aces crew. Down 3-2 with a couple of minutes to go, the team pulled their goalie and did mount a sustained attack, keeping the puck in the Wyse Guys’ end for a good 15 seconds and narrowly missing the tying goal on a shot by Art “I’m going on holiday again next week, so screw this action” Wogrinetz. The Wyse Guys stormed back to fire one into the empty cage, triggering a huge celebration on the red team’s bench. League officials are said to be unhappy with the extent of that celebration, as it involved some over-exuberant firearm use, which of course is strictly limited in the league charter to one (registered) handgun per team.

Another last minute goal by the Wyse Guys made the final score 5-2, but by the time the final puck went into the net most of the Aces were already checking their blackberrys, including goaltender and exciting puck-handler Raj Chockalingam. Raj still thinks the final score was 4-2.

Goal scorers for the Aces: Art with a nice deke in close on the again suspiciously solid WGs keeper, and your humble narrator with a shot from the point that somehow found its way through traffic to the back of the net.

Aces players can expect a friendly phonecall from team sports psychologist Bruce Harbinson, just as soon as his spleen grows back.

Fair and Balanced Aces Attack Results in Another Win

There is an old Icelandic proverb that states "Mediocrity is climbing molehills without sweating". I have no idea what that means, but in their latest outing in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, the first place Black Aces retained their hold on top spot by shutting down the Bloor Battlers in a stunning display of consistency across all positions.

In scientific terms, the Aces might be compared to a flat, featureless Euclidean plane - no highs, but no lows either. Or perhaps we can consider them to be the cosmic background radiation of the COTHL - an all-encompassing energy field of mind-numbing uniformity almost too weak to be detected... until they KICK YOUR ASS. While other teams might ice one or two stars, they are also stuck with some weaker players to balance things out. Not so the blackshirts. No superstars, but no deadwood either. Everyone pulls together in a robotically consistent way to lull the opposition into a false sense of complacency. "How can we not be beating these guys?" you can almost hear the other teams saying to one another "We have one or two stars, but they do not. "

While their opponents scratch their heads in befuddlement, the Fox News-like Aces machine quietly goes to work. Before they know what happened, the game is over and the scoreboard says Aces 4, Bloor Battlers 2. Again.

Goal scorers this week: Rich, Ralph, Mike and Art. Special mention: every other Aces player.

Spear Carriers Carry the Day

Area hockey club the Black Aces put in a workmanlike performance in their most recent game, prevailing 6-4 over the Warriors in spite of hitting the ice without any of their highly paid snipers. It was left to the spear carriers, the plumbers, the Joe Six Packs to grind out the victory.

Where are the pretty boys, you ask? Here:

• Joey Himalaya: Nepal, Mexico, the Playboy Mansion... take your pick. Maybe all three.
• Brian M: still recovering from an arm transplant.
• Brian 2: Sheep 'shearing' in New Zealand.
• Art W: Lamas class with the Missus.
• Andrew: Rib transplant (Honey Garlic)
• Mike: post-christmas rehab

The Aces trades deuces with the Warriors all night, falling behind 2-0 early in the first, only to tie it at 2 with seconds to go in the frame. The second period put the black shirts ahead 4-2 for a while but the Warriors fought back to tie the game again. In the third, Aces D man Jeff atoned for a miserable defensive night with a rare goal to put the team up for good, and then the team added another to complete the deuce.

The win helped the Aces maintain their stranglehold on first place in the COTHL and now puts their unbeaten string for 2010 at one game.

Please join the Aces this wednesday as they attempt to keep their streak alive. Just to keep things interesting, not only will the snipers be asked to stay home but the team will be playing without a goalie. Instead, the nets will be minded by a basket of kittens and a small potted plant.