Aces HC Clownsize Wyse Guys

In the most recent contest between local ice hockey team Aubrey's Aces and their somewhat arch-rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces so thoroughly dominated their opponents that hockey writers and broadcasters around the country are now scrambling to coin new superlatives to describe the game.

Sure, sports mediapersons already have approximately 10⁶ synonyms for "win", but none of these was up to the task of adequately depicting the Aces' 9-0 pummeling of the Wyse Guys. It was that big.

In the interest of assisting my professional brethren, I hereby humbly submit my Top 10 List of New Synonyms for "Win", or "Winonyms" if you prefer.

10. Scrotumming. As in "the Aces delivered a thorough scrotumming to the hapless Wyse Guys".

9. Sklermfarble. "The Aces dominance of the Wyse Guys was so complete that the game descended into a sklermfarble by the third period".

8. Harpering. Based on the friendly management style of our current PM. "The Aces handed the Wyse Guys a total Harpering last wednesday, leaving the red shirts whimpering and bawling like little babies, or ex-communications directors."

7. RobFordian. "The Aces brought out a can of whoop-ass of RobFordian dimensions." Refers only to Mr. Ford's physical ginormity, nothing to do with any election results (pending as of the writing of this report).

6. Clownsize. As in "The Wyse Guys were completely clownsized last game by the Aces."

5. Blackholed. Describes a complete crushing out of physical existence, as when something falls into a black hole. "The Wyse Guys will be unavailable for any future games as they were blackholed last week by a superior Aces squad."

4. Cockwhipped. Self-explanatory, really. "Looks like the Aces had the bigger dicks this week, Jim." "Right you are, Bob. They totally cockwhipped the Wyse Guys again."

3. Enemized. Refers to the process of knocking the shit out of one's opponents. "The poor Wyse Guys were simply enemized this week by a stronger Aces team, who managed to hold onto their own shit quite nicely."

2. ChuckNorrisment. "The Wyse Guys suffered a virtual chucknorrisment at the hands of the mighty Aces this past week."

1. Ballardization. To screw something up absolutely completely, over and over again. "The Wyse Guys defensive game this week can only be described as a sickening ballardization of the game of hockey."

To all the Jims and Bobs and Randys out there in TV, radio and print: I give my consent for you to use any or all of these terms in your next article or broadcast.

Game stats, for those who want the numbers: Aces 9, Wyse Guys 0.

Scoring for the blackshirts: Brian with 2, Art also with 2, plus singles from Ralph, Joe, Al, Bob and Rich.

And of course an outstanding game in net by Raj. The score did not tell the whole story as the Wyse Guys played hard to the final buzzer. And still they were cockwhipped.