Immediately following confirmation of the recently rumoured bid by Virgin CEO Richard Branson to purchase Toronto area hockey club the Black Aces, Aces legal representative and sometime left-winger Paul Ferris has released the team's list of contract demands.
In a hastily-called news conference at Aces' St. Clair Avenue W. headquarters (Ferro's restaurant, the big table way in the back) Ferris outlined a list of preconditions to the sale of the team.
"We are intrigued by the interest of Mr. Branson" said Ferris through his 'interpreter', a 21 year-old Icelandic erotic film star known only as 'Bjonk'. "If he is serious in his desire to purchase the team then he will have to satisfy our requirements in full. These are as follows.
"One. Every team member must be allowed one trip per year on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship 2. Includes full bar service and a nice set of headphones, not those shitty ones you usually get on commercial flights.
"Two. The Aces demand a year-end party hosted by Virgin Records recording artist Iggy Pop. Drinks are to be served by the Spice Girls. It's not like they're doing anything else these days anyway. And that David Beckham dude is not invited. If he shows up, the deal is off.
"Three. Richard Branson himself is to supply the post-game beer at all future Aces games. No domestic brands allowed unless pre-approved by team biermeister Bruce 'Ziggy' Harbinson. All relevent Bavarian Purity Laws apply.
"Four. Mr. Branson is to fully re-imburse the participants of the now infamous end-of-season party at Rodney's Oyster Bar. With interest.
"Five. Virgin is to cover in full all costs associated with Aces team members being ticketed by Toronto Police for travelling the wrong way on Arlington Ave on the way to the game on wednesdays.
"Six. The Aces require Virgin Records recording artists the Rolling Stones to be on standby at every Aces game. When the Aces score, the Stones are to immediately launch into "Rip This Joint" from their 1972 magnum opus "Exile on Main Street". If the Aces' opponents score, the Stones are to play "I Got the Blues" instead.
"This is a preliminary list of our demands" said Bjonk, in Icelandic. "If they are not met, there is no deal. That is all."
The Aces are said to be currently waiting for a response from Mr. Branson, whilst considering a similar competing offer from Toronto are multimillionaire mayor Rob Ford.
In other news, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces again defeated the hapless Warriors, this time by a score of 3-1. Goals by Jeff, Aubrey and Mike, more solid netminding from Raj. The team is on a roll, apparently un-perturbed by rumours of the Branson takeover.
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