In a move that has the global investment community not at all perplexed, Canadian PM Stephen Harper this week decided to block the takeover bid for Toronto area hockey team the Black Aces by international businessman Richard Branson.
Said Industry Minister Tony Clement "We just didn't feel it was in the best interests, or in fact any interest at all, of Canadians. Or anyone else for that matter."
When asked why the sale was blocked, Clement would only say that the Prime Minister was 'not a big fan of that Branson douche, or his ridiculous hair'.
Bay Street analysts spent minutes poring over the details of the non-deal, the scuttling of which now threatens the future of the Cedarvale Oldtimers' Hockey League. Rumours of the pending buyout sent Aces players on a spending and partying spree last week, with at least 5 players arriving to the game in expensive new cars.
After the announcement, team banjo tuner Bob J. threw an almost full bottle of Cristal to the ground in disgust. "How am I going to return this motherf***ing Escalade to the dealer now, bitch? I already pimped it out with a hot tub and 3D motherf***ing TV! Damn!"
"What? The deal fell through?" said team barbecue cleaner Art W. "I just bought first class airline tickets for my wife's entire family to fly to Toronto for Christmas! There's 43 of them! What the f***? I thought this was a done deal."
Other players were reportedly scrambling to return luxury items with varying levels of success.
"If I can't bring these gold chains back to Cartier" said Aces goalie and Diwali expert Raj C. "I'm going to have to go and see Russell Oliver... I think I just threw up in my mouth there, a little."
The Aces legal team has hired Rob Ford as their new spokesman and are now in talks with Virgin to try to revive the deal under new, more favourable terms. "That fat f**k Ford is well known as a man of action" said team cribbage champion Maurice vV. "and he's not doing anything until he's sworn in as mayor anyway, so we called him up. He agreed to not only help us out with the contract, but also to get our garbage picked up, our leaves raked, and to score us some cheap Oxycontin before next game."
Branson, meanwhile (pictured above with what would have been the Aces cheerleading squad) was philosophical about the failed deal. "I own a spaceship, did you know that?" said Branson from his Caribbean island home. "A motherf***ing spaceship!"
Lets hope the legal distractions don't affect the Aces' play this week, since last week's game was pretty much ruined by all the pre-game shopping and partying. The blackshirts fell 5-3 to a so-so Bloor Battlers squad, mainly due to bad bounces and champagne hangovers.
In a bid to avert another sub-par performance, the Black Aces Blog is pleased to present this inspirational video just in time for this week's game:
Watch The Crusher
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