Aces Save Canadian Hockey

Hockey fans across Canada are reeling today after most of the nation watched our national junior team implode in the World Junior Championship final. Blowing a 3-0 lead in the 3rd period to fall 5-3 to the godless communist Russians, the juniors delivered a virtual nut shot to an entire country, a nut shot whose terrible pain only an inspired victory by an underdog could ease.

"Thank Christ for the Black Aces, eh?" said Newfoundland cod-shredder Big Jim Houlihan "After watchin them juniors I felt right sick, I did. Then I heard the Aces went and beat those Warrior fellers and I all of a sudden felt pretty good again."

Many who witnessed the junior fiasco expressed similar feelings after hearing news of the Aces' unexpected victory. "The Black Aces HC have given my back my reason to live" said a teary Mrs. Edna Pornswallow of Fort MacMurray Alberta. "I was just about to go and throw myself into the tailing ponds out by the Syncrude plant after that horrible junior game when my husband Wally grabbed me. 'Edna' he says 'the Aces still have a shot - it's the 3rd period and they're up by 3...' and so I decided to wait and see how the lads made out this week and didn't they come through in the clutch! Not like those fucking kids, that's for sure."

The Aces inspiring victory did not come without it's tense moments though. Up 3-0 at one point early in the game, several of the blackshirts exchanged worried glances on the bench. The awful sense that history might repeat itself, that the team might fall in the same way that the juniors had fallen hung heavy in the air. But not a word was spoken.

"I thought they would blow it." said Bancroft Ontario skidoo waxologist Bert "Burt" Burton later that night. "That's how low I felt after seeing our juniors give the game away to them Russkies. I was ready to see the Aces fold up like a cheap suit in the 3rd, I admit it. But when they hung on, man, I felt so goddam good I went right down to Stooley's bar and punched a complete stranger right in the face. It was beautiful. Thanks, Aces."

Celebrations continued into the night after word of the Aces' unlikely victory spread throughout the country via blogs, twitter, email and text. Joyous crowds burned cars in Montreal, while Toronto area coffee houses did a brisk business in Victory Lattes. Meanwhile in Vancouver, every single person over the age of 11 fired up a fat one in honour of the Black Aces.

"God Almighty has chosen to bless our nation once again!" cried Dumheller Alberta Minister Randy McWhatsit. "The national junior team will surely burn in hell for all eternity for their transgressions, but the Aces have provided salvation, salvation for all Canadians! Hallelujah brothers and sisters!"

The 5-2 win moves the Aces firmly into second place, still behind the Warriors but well ahead of the Battlers and Wyse Guys. Scoring for the Aces: 2 for Ralph, 1 each for Mo, Joe, and Bob. Another standout game in net from Raj kept the Warriors' big guns off the scoresheet until well into the game, long enough for the blackshirts to build up an insurmountable 4-0 lead.