In a horrific and unexpected development in the elite Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League last week, the Black Aces HC found themselves facing a Bloor Battlers team whose players had all been transformed into shuffling zombies.
Whereas previously the Battlers squad had been comprised almost entirely of men, the group that took the ice against the Aces on wednesday were quite clearly not themselves. From the opening face-off, the Aces were able to skate easily around the slow-footed Battlers. Moaning horribly and unable to muster even the appearance of hockey skill, the Bloor boys were no match for their non-zombie opponents.
The Aces of course showed no mercy. “When it comes to zombies,” said Aces munitions specialist Al ‘Heavy Artillery’ Heavenrich “you can’t show any mercy. It’s a kill shot or it’s nothing.”
Again and again the Aces stormed the Battlers’ net, pumping a total of 9 goals past their hapless goalkeeper, who may or may not have been one of the undead.
“I couldn’t really tell for sure” said Aces DJ Paul ‘Funkmaster’ Ferris. “He wasn’t moaning quite as much as the other guys, and he didn’t smell quite as bad either. Maybe he was in the early stages.”
The Battlers repeated attempts to catch the fleet-footed Aces and eat their brains were to no avail, as even when they did manage to catch a blackshirt off guard they were unable to bite past either their own face cages or the Aces CSA approved helmets.
Naturally such a one-sided contest was completely lacking in drama, which may explain why CBC Television executives originally scouting the Aces for future 'Skating With the Stars' participants are now planning a 6 part mini-series based on the game.
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