Long have we struggled, and much have we sacrificed to reach this summit. The pre-dawn training sessions, the weeks spent away from friends and loved ones, the relentless physical conditioning - all have been rewarded.
Our enemies have been vanquished and our craven critics in the press have been silenced by our victory, proven wrong in their callow predictions that we could not reach our goal of total and complete domination of all three of our opponents.
Now that we have proven beyond all doubt who is the undisputed ruler of the COTHL, I hereby submit to you a list of proposed rule changes to be brought before the Elders of the League ere a fortnight hath passed. These rules shall be made law, in order that our great achievement be remembered by future generations of COTHL players and also that our status as heroic champions be not forgotten by our current adversaries.
New Rule #1. A new trophy shall be created. It shall stand 7 feet in height, be made entirely of purest titanium and have the names of all Black Aces players past and present inscribed upon it in 150 point Geneva Bold font, in all caps. The trophy shall be placed at centre ice during every pre-game warmup, even in games that do not involve the Black Aces HC.
New Rule #2. Opposing teams shall now be required to provide premium quality beer for the Aces HC after each contest. Domestic brews are not permitted unless approval is expressly provided in writing and signed by at least three Aces players.
New Rule #3. A new change room is to be built for the exclusive use of the Black Aces HC, their guests, and their descendants in perpetuity. It shall be equipped with clean showers, hot towel service, a large screen television set with full cable package, plus XBox, Playstation 3 and Wii gaming consoles. No other teams are to use this room, ever, under penalty of death.
New Rule #4. A financial levy is to be paid by all non-Aces players as part of their yearly league fee. This is to wholly offset the cost of the Aces’ mid-season training camp in Bucarias Mexico, graciously (though not inexpensively) hosted by team surfologist Joe P.
New Rule #5. Parking spaces closest to the entrance of the arena formerly known as the Phil White Arena (see Rule #6) are henceforth and forevermore reserved for the exclusive use of Black Aces HC players. Any non-Aces players caught parking in these reserved spaces shall have their vehicles summarily crushed by a new on-site car crushing machine installed specifically for this purpose.
New Rule #6. The arena formerly known as the Phil White Arena will henceforth be known as the Black Aces Sports and Recreation Complex. A new climate-controlled display case in the lobby will hold the new trophy (see rule #1) when it is not at centre ice, along with life-sized replicas of all past and present Aces players carved in solid mahogany. These statues are to be waxed and polished thrice daily by specially trained blind Amish craftsmen brought in from Pennsylvania.
Excellent work in last week’s game, fellow Aces. I have taken the liberty of commissioning a local artist to paint a commemorative mural of our great victory on the outside north wall of the Black Aces Sports and Recreation Complex. Our righteous comeback from a 2-0 deficit to trounce the Warriors 7-2 is now assured a lasting place in hockey history. Let all who gaze upon it tremble and quake with fear, and know that on this day the rightful and true owners of first place in the COTHL were finally restored.
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