Aces Look to Bolster Roster

Following their latest loss to the Wyse Guys and in an attempt to revive what has been a mostly mediocre 2012-2013 COTHL season, local hockey team the Black Aces have been holding secret tryouts for prospective new players. 

The initial turnout was whelming, as tens of players expressed interest in donning the fabled black jersey. However, once they realized that this would not be a paid position but would in fact be more like an internship, most of those prospects suddenly found other more pressing commitments. The following is a breakdown of the remaining potential skaters:

Fuck all y'all, y'all!

Name: Honey Boo Boo

Nickname: Honey Boo Boo

Age: 6

Height: 3’ 3”

Weight: 135 lbs

Pros: mean as a swamp gator

Cons: she’s 6

Odds of making the team: 50/50

HULKMAYOR SMASH!

Name: Rob Ford

Nickname: Coach, Fat Fuck, Dumbass, His Honour the Mayor

Age: 40+

Height: 5’10”

Weight: 320 lbs

Pros: stubborn, strong, plays a simple game, not too busy right now

Cons: not a team player, blood pressure is 180/60, can only play the right wing

Odds of making the team: only 1 in 10 but he can make some calls

Aces? We thought you said asses.

Name: Steven and Chris

Age: won’t tell

Height: 185 cm each

Weight: 130 kilos combined

Pros: play as a D pair, smooth skaters, good ‘stickhandlers’

Cons: want to give the team a makeover, take forever in the shower

Odds of making the team: 2 in 15

That's right beyatches, the ring is mine.

Name: Bilbo Baggins

Age: 135

Height: 4’ 1”

Weight: 80 lbs

Pros: low centre of gravity, has the One Ring of Power

Cons: constantly followed by ringwraiths, film crews, nerds

Odds of making the team: pretty good, actually.

God I am so tired...

Name: Leonard Cohen

Age: 79

Height: 6’ 1”

Weight: 120 lbs

Pros: he’s Leonard fucking Cohen

Cons: may be too mellow for hockey

Odds of making the team: not good, he’s on tour right now.

I'm older than Cohen in cat years

Name: Richard the cat

Age: 14

Height: about 8 inches

Weight: 18 lbs

Pros: not declawed

Cons: sleeps 20 hours a day, frightened of loud noises

Odds of making the team: pretty good, but only the taxi squad

This is how many games the Aces have won!

Name: Chad Kroeger

Age: 37

Height: 5’ 10”

Weight: 185 lbs

Pros: Canadian, super rich, awesome hair

Cons: fronts Nickelback, married to Avril Lavigne, is from Alberta

Odds of making the team: reasonable, given the rest of the field