New Protocol for 0-0 Ties

To:         All teams in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League
From:    COTHL Senior Management Group
Subject: 0-0 Tie Games, New Rules

As at least half of you may have heard, last wednesday's game between the Black Aces and the Bloor Battlers ended in a disgusting 0-0 tie. That's right, you heard correctly. A lousy, good-for-nothing, lame-ass zero-zero tie. No goals. None. Not a sausage. We watched the tapes, it was appalling.

In order to prevent such an embarrassing event from ever happening again in our league, the Senior Management Group of the COTHL (also known as the Elders of Cedarvale) hereby introduce the following protocol for settling games where nobody has the balls to score even one fucking goal over three whole fucking periods.

IF, after 3 complete periods no goals have been scored, a 5 minute overtime period will be played.
IF still no goals have been scored by any of the pathetic excuses for hockey players on either team, another 5 minute overtime period will be played in a four-on-four format.
IF both teams are still too weak to put the puck in the net, another 5 minute overtime period will be played but this time each team will ice 6 skaters and no goalie.
IF both teams are still so completely useless that they can't score in an open net, yet another 5 minute overtime period will be played. Goalies go back in, but we continue with 6 skaters.
IF this piece of shit game is still tied at zeroes we'll keep adding players until both teams have every player on the ice.
IF the two teams continue to sully the good name and exalted history of the COTHL by refusing to put one over the line, another 5 minute overtime period will be played, this time with 2 pucks. Pretty much a gong show by this point.
IF the gong show format fails to settle things (and we really hope it doesn't get to this point, seriously) goalies will be relieved of their pads and gloves. Surely to God one of the 'hockey players' out there can bulge the twine now, right? Anyone?

In the extremely unlikely event that after all this, not a single man on either team can summon the strength to propel a little black rubber puck over the goal line, then and only then will we go to a shootout.

If the shootout fails to settle things, the Elders of Cedarvale will pay each player on each team a visit to kick your sorry asses and revoke your Beer League Hockey Licences. Permanently. You pussies.

Let's hope we see no more 0-0 ties this or any other year.

The Elders of Cedarvale

"Can you believe those little bitches? Not even one goal."