Aces Get All Science-y to Beat Battlers

As some of you may already know, in addition to exploring the limits of human alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation, the Black Aces HC off-season activities included the establishment of a high-level hockey think tank. The Centre for Research Into New Generation Hockey Experiments, or CRINGHE, was tasked with devising new strategic approaches for the Aces, thereby giving them an advantage in the 2011-2012 edition  of the COTHL.

Science. It's Like, Awesome or Something.

Some of their cutting edge output this summer included radical, out-of-the-box ideas that have the potential to change the game of hockey forever. Including:

1. Beers to be consumed BEFORE the game instead of after.
2. Goalies to wear Kodiaks in place of skates for better traction.
3. Every player to wear a heads up video display during the game. This is to enhance the action with 'augmented reality' information, but also to ensure no episodes of ‘Raising Hope’ are missed. That’s a really good show. (Note: the PVR budget for the CRINGHE team was not approved).
4. No more positions. Every player to simply chase the puck wherever it goes, thereby overwhelming the opposition. This is a simple strategy that any player can understand (see point #1).
5. New positional configurations (in case Point #4 is rejected or unsuccessful), including the 4-1-1 (the Crash the Net Strategy), the 0-5-1 (the Neutral Zone Clusterf**k), the 2-2-2 (Double Goalie Configuration) and perhaps most radically of all, the 3-3-0: the No Goalie Required.

Incredibly, it would be in only the 3^rd game of the season that the investment in CRINGHE would pay off. With netminder and team opossum whisperer Raj C unable to make the game due to a tragic carjacking incident in Newmarket, the Aces were without a goalie at the start of the game. A replacement keeper was found, but team pro cyclist Aubrey S would have to venture out into the rainy night to retrieve him. Aubrey, normally the Aces’ backup goalie, was sidelined due to an injury sustained attempting to back flip his bike off a 30’ drop riding through a puddle.

The Aces, meanwhile, would have to employ the 3-3-0 lineup: 3 forwards, 3 defense, no goalie. It was ‘put up or shut up’ time.

Thanks to some quick consulting and a lovely powerpoint presentation from team graphic designer Jeff M, the defense corps soon came up with the correct approach to keep the Bloor Battlers from putting the puck in the Aces’ empty net. Their tactics, deceptively simple, can best be summed up as “Don’t let those other guys score”. It worked beautifully, and by the time Aubrey returned with the emergency backup netminder the Aces were starting the second period with a 1-0 lead on a goal from team toboggan builder Rich W.

Emboldened by their success, the Aces continued to dominate the now demoralized Battler squad and finished with a 2-0 win, their second consecutive shutout. If this continues, the $600 clipboard budget for CRINGHE researchers will not have been squandered after all.


Big thanks to emergency netminder (Tooey? Did I hear that right?) who by the way was fully sighted and did not have an artificial leg.