Aces Prepare to Make History

They say history repeats itself, and local hockey team the Black Aces are hoping that’s true as they prepare for a history-making 5th straight championship in the venerable COTHL. After decisively downing a befuddled Battlers team 3-0 in the semi-finals, the blackshirts will face a surging Warriors squad in 2 weeks time. The coveted CO Cup is the prize, and the Aces are ready.

But are they ready enough? The only way to be sure is to implement a battle-tested pre-game readiness program in the fortnight leading up to the final game. Team tailor and sometime bench boss Rod P explains:

“This is the same regime that all the professional European football teams follow during the World Cup” said Rod after the semi-final win. “With one or two modifications.”

After pulling a half-full bottle of Slivovitz from somewhere inside his coat and enjoying a nice pull from it, he continued - 

“Rule number one: no sexual intercourse during the 2 weeks before the big game. Very important. This saps the primal energy from the root chakra, and leaves a man weak and unable to back check. So no nookie, snu-snu, or sweet sweet lovemaking with the wife or girlfriend, Aces. 

“However… I do have a short list of approved activities that should help the team stay focused and prepare for the final game. 

“It’s important to stay relaxed, so trips to the spa are encouraged. I recommend the Sugar Moon 24 Hour spa on the Danforth, in particular the Gentleman’s Special. Ask for Trish and mention my name.

“Getting your hair done is also a great idea. I recommend the Gentleman’s Brazilian at my favourite salon, Dewy Scrotum and Howe on Richmond Street. Ask for Vito and mention my name for a nice discount.

“To keep your energy up, coffee is allowed. I recommend the Gentleman’s Latte at Starf*cks, which is a little place in Parkdale that has always treated me right. Ask for Gina and mention my name for some extra foam.

“Us mature players have to pay extra attention to staying limber and flexible, so I want everyone to check out Foxxxy’s Hott Yoga Studio on Airport Road. The Gentleman’s Introductory class is worth your time, just ask for Moon and mention my name for a very special Downward Dog.

“Cars are important to us, and your car should look its best when you pull into Phil White on the 22nd. I recommend the Gentleman’s Wax & Wash at Lady Sudsalot Topless Car Wash at Kennedy and Eglinton. Ask for Julie and mention my name for some extra attention to the gear shift.

“And finally, gentlemen, why not curl up with a good book? I’m offering the Aces access to my personal collection of vintage Playboys. Just come on by and ask for Rod.”