Cedarvale Massacre

You there, Joe Trudeau. What is your question?

With mainstream media outlets in disarray due to the unprecedented attacks on them as ‘fake’ by US President Donald Trump and his White House staff, your intrepid Black Aces reporter was able to slip into last week’s press conference on the strength of nothing more than a red baseball cap and a Make America Great Again T-shirt. An excerpt of his exchange with the president, which somehow was not televised, is below.

Intrepid Aces Reporter

"Mr President are you aware of the terrible events of last night in Toronto Canada?"

Donald J Trump

(squints into the lights)

"Is that you Joe? I mean Mister Prime Minister? Tremendous to see you again."

IAR

"No Mr President, I’m a reporter with the Black - er, White Aces Network in Toronto Canada. Canadian media are not reporting on the Cedarvale Massacre, which definitely did occur last night in Toronto and is in no way a made up thing."

DJT

"Are all you Canadians so amazingly handsome? Isn't he handsome, ladies and gentlemen? Tremendous. No, handsome Canadian man, I was not aware of this. Spice!! "

A worried-looking Sean Spicer runs out to the podium and confers off-mic with the president. Trump nods sagely, juts his chin in a presidential manner.

DJT

"I’ve just been told that we have our best people on it already. We have the very best people, as you know, the very very best. Fine-tuned machine. But why don’t you give us some details for the benefit of the New York Times and those other fakey-fake news outlets back there behind you. Maybe they can learn something, but I doubt it."

IAR

"Mister President sir, details are sketchy but it appears that the Black Aces deliberately destroyed the Bloor Battlers, who were wearing their white away sweaters at the time, by a score of 5-2 at Cedarvale Arena. It’s being referred to as the Cedarvale Massacre, but the CBC and other mainstream liberal Canadian media are refusing to cover the story."

Trump pauses to consider this sentence, which appears to have taken him by surprise.

DJT

"What colour did you say these Aces were?"

IAR

"Black, sir. The Black Aces. Against battlers in white. 2 goals for Bruce, 2 for Ralph, and one for Rich. Officials tried to stop the slaughter by calling unwarranted penalties but in the end it was no use. The Black Shirts could not be turned aside."

DJT

"We must stop all immigration from Canada immediately until we know what’s going on. I’ll be signing a new executive order first thing in the morning. We have to do it, people, black aces are pouring over the border, invading our defensive zones and terrorizing our people.

No more questions, thank you."

этот человек безумен

Context: DONALD TRUMP’S ALTERNATIVE-REALITY PRESS CONFERENCE