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| I'm not a real person, and I've never driven a zamboni. |
January 11, 2016
"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?
You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? David Bowie has died in your timeline. I see. And were you close to Mr. Bowie sir? A big fan. But not a friend or related in any way? I’m sorry sir we cannot move you to a new timeline on that basis. No I’m sorry. Thank you sir, goodbye."
April 22, 2016
"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?
You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? Prince has died in your timeline. I see, I’ve very sorry to hear that sir. And were you close to Mr. Prince sir? A big fan. But not a friend or related in any way? I’m sorry sir we cannot move you to a new timeline on that basis. No I’m sorry. Thank you sir, goodbye."
June 15, 2016
"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?
You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? Your house has burned down in your timeline... and your wife has left you for the poolboy. Sorry, poolGIRL. I’m very sorry to hear that sir, but I’m afraid this set of unfortunate circumstances is not quite enough for you to qualify for a timeline change. No sir, I’m sorry. What am I wearing? I’m not wearing anything sir, I’m not a real person. I’m an artificial intelligence unit AI5000 designed to screen all requests for timeline changes. No sir, I have never driven a zamboni. I’m terminating this call now sir."
November 9, 2016
"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?
You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? Donald Trump has become the president of the United States. Are you sure sir? My algorithms indicate that this an extremely low probability event. I see. Please hold.
[long pause]
All right sir, I have consulted with my human superiors and I’m afraid that although this turn of events scores high on the WTF scale, we cannot grant you a timeline change. You’ll just have to make the best of things. Goodbye sir."
November 10, 2016
"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?
You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? The Black Aces lost a critical COTHL game last night? Anything else sir? They blew a chance to move into sole posession of first place. All right, that does sound serious. Anything else? They stood around for two and a half periods like pylons before getting their shit together? And now they are out of first place. I see. 3-2 to the Wyse Guys. Please hold.
[brief pause]
Congratulations sir, your timeline request change has been approved. A representative of Newline Industries will contact you within 24 hours. Have a nice day sir, and good luck in your new timeline."
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