USADA Lance Armstrong Investigation Expands

In a dramatic new development, the recent investigation by USADA into the systematic use of performance-enhancing drugs by American cyclist Lance Armstrong has expanded to include local hockey team the Black Aces.

After a 3 goal outburst in the Aces' most recent game (a 6-4 victory over the Battlers), forward Ralph R has come under the scrutiny of the American doping watchdog agency.

"Ralph has never failed a drug test."

"This is a classic pattern we see many times with athletes using performance-enhancing substances" said USADA investigator Jim Wallace. "Long stretches of average performance followed suddenly by an outburst of achievement. Mr. R's hat-trick against the Battlers has caught our attention and we'll be interviewing him soon. We will also be asking him to pee into a bottle."

The hat-trick in question was indeed a beauty, with Ralph firing 2 of his 3 goals firmly into the top shelf of the Battlers' net. League records do not go back far enough to record when he last had a 3 goal night. Other goals were provided by Brian (2) and Aubrey (1).

Armstrong himself is coming to the defense of the Aces forward, stating that he has complete confidence that he will be found innocent of all charges. "Ralph has actually been following the same training system that powered me to a record 7 consecutive Tour de France victories" said Armstrong last week. "The key component of which is 'don't eat 8 slices of pizza right before a race, or in Ralph's case, a hockey game."