Next Stop, Cedarvale

Toronto straphangers were excited this past week to finally see the opening of the York Spadina Subway Extension after years of budget wrangling and construction delays. Not only can subway riders now take the train all the way to Pioneer Village (where the station is finished in period-authentic oak timbers and all TTC employees will wear church bonnets and hoop skirts) but the formerly isolated residents of Vaughan can now finally venture south of Steeles Avenue to fetch potable water, Honda parts and Axe Body Spray.

In a surprise news conference today, Toronto Mayor John Not-Rob-Ford-But-Close Tory and TTC CEO Andy Get-Me-The-Fuck-Outta-Here Byford also announced the opening of a brand new station on the Spadina line between St Clair West and Eglinton West Stations.

Cedarvale Station will open on Wednesday December 20 in time for local hockey team the Black Aces to make their game at Cedarvale Arena on time for a change.

"This fabulous new station will ensure that Pete S will finally be on time for these crucial ice hockey matches" said Tory "We've done the research and listened to the experts and we feel that the $1.2 Billion it cost to build the new station is money well spent. In fact, we anticipate that Aces players who currently bicycle to the games will abandon this quite frankly dangerous mode of transportation in favour of the TTC from now on."

Added Andy Byford, "With the latest impressive 5-3 win by the Black Aces against rivals the Battlers, the timing couldn't be better. We are looking forward to a 6th COTHL title for the team this year."

Where you at, Zamboni Girl?

In addition to the impressive new platform located beneath the Cedarvale Arena, the new station will have a moving sidewalk linking it to Ferro on St Clair. The sidewalk will only be open on Wednesday nights, as per cost-cutting measures introduced by the TTC five minutes after the news conference.

"Unfortunately these new measures and the additional expense of adding the Cedarvale station means that the Scarborough Subway Extension will have to be, er,  altered ... somewhat" said Byford "Instead of extending to the Scarborough Town Centre  as originally planned, the new line will end at the Knob Hill Plaza on Eglinton Avenue, approximately 850 metres from Kennedy Station. It will however be conveniently close to Caddy's Gentleman's Club, so we feel that this is a win-win for everyone."

New final stop of the Scarborough Subway Extension

Doug Ford was unavailable for comment.

Smells Like... Victory

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces have reportedly signed a multi-million dollar merchandising deal with DudeBroNapalm Industries after going on an impressive winning streak at their most recent COTHL game. Industry analysts were caught off-guard by the size and speed of the deal, but DudeBroNapalm spokesbro Austin Ferrari oozed confidence at the company's news conference after the game.

"We are pleased to announce that DudeBroNapalm Industries Inc. has signed the biggest deal in its corporate history tonight. With their astonishing 8-1 win over the Warriors, the Black Aces are now without a doubt the most exciting and testosterone-drenched team in hockey history."

Ferrari went on to sketch out details of a multi-year deal that will see the Aces endorse a wide range of products beginning with Smells Like Victory cologne.

"We at DudeBroNapalm are confident that this cologne will soon be taking the world by storm. Smells Like Victory is the perfect cologne for the man who wants to smell like a combination of gunpowder, ball sweat and cheap cigars. We think it's the perfect kickoff product for the Aces."

"Every bottle", said Ferrari, "will bear the name of each of the goal-scorers from the Aces' 8-1 pounding of the Warriors, a game that will surely go down in history as the turning point of the team's 6th straight league championship season: James D (2), Pete S (2), Simon C, Al H, Martin L, and Joe D. These men shall be immortalized, as is only fitting."

Other products currently in development include:

• SmooveGroove Butt-crack and Mustache Wax
• A line of Zamboni Girl -approved tramp stamp tattoo templates
• Six6Six Breakfast Cereal - little dark chocolate "6"s  covered in honey and icing sugar and dried in the draught foam of Old Speckled Hen ale. Not for sale to minors.

Watch for the multimedia blitz by DudeBroNapalm Industries and talk to your broker about buying stock. This is going to be huge. 

It's gonna be HUGE

Words of Advice from Across the Ages

Dear Aces, get your shit together.

After finishing atop the COTHL for five straight seasons, local ice hockey team the Black Aces are not having a great year. This much is certain. In an attempt to turn things around, Aces spiritual and human resources advisor Aubrey S has gone to great lengths to consult with revered wise men from across the span of human history. How has he done this? you ask. How can he speak with sages and magi from eras past? Aubrey has an iPhone X.

This week Aubrey and his iPhone sit down with Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher and big man of the 6th century BC to talk strategy for the rest of the COTHL season. This interview will appear on the next edition of the Aces podcast, “Men in Black”. We get a sneak preview here tonight.

Aubrey: Lao, dude, great to see you. Welcome to the podcast.

Lao Tzu: Thanks bro, great to be here. Wherever this is.

Aubrey: We call it Toronto, but let’s get right down to business. The Aces… going for a 6th straight season of excellence in the COTHL. Not looking so good though. Have you been following?

Lao Tzu: I have, and I'll tell you something Aubrey, if you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.

Aubrey: Whoa. That’s deep, yo. So we should just let go and not worry about winning #6, and let it happen? Did i get that right?

Lao Tzu: I'll just say that a good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.

Aubrey: Uhhh, okay then, moving on. Let’s talk about scoring. Any advice for the guys to help them get back on track here?

Lao Tzu: I've always said that if you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Aubrey: Right! Drive the net. Got it. What about some wise words for the Aces D?

Lao Tzu: You know something dude, when the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves.'

Aubrey: I get it - the D should just do their job and let the forwards think it was them the whole time. Which they would anyway, amirite? You are so wise, Lao Tzu. You should write a book. So what about the first half of the season - how can the Aces put that behind them and focus on the finish?

Lao Tzu: I've always said it is better to do one's own duty, however defective it may be, than to follow the duty of another, however well one may perform it. He who does his duty as his own nature reveals it, never sins.

Aubrey: So we should try harder to play our fucking positions, is that it? that’s it, isn’t it. ?

Lao Tzu: He who knows himself is enlightened.

Aubrey: Sounds like this interview is over. Thanks for dropping by, man. We’ll see if your wise words have an effect on the Black Aces HC.

That about wraps it, folks. Wisdom and sage albeit cryptic advice from an ancient Chinese philosopher to put the team back on track. Let’s see if it helps. Last week’s 6-2 loss to the Wyse Guys (goals by Bruce and Rich) could be the last one of the season, who knows?

Songs in the Key of Black

Since the Black Aces are having some trouble putting it all together for the 2017-2018, maybe what's needed is some inspiration. Please enjoy these fine videos, Aces, and let's see if they have a positive effect.

Paint it Black - The Rolling Stones. Still pretty fucking badass.



Back in Black - AC/DC with the new guy on lead vocals.



Black - Pearl Jam. Unplugged but still pretty damn good.



Iron Man - Black Sabbath looking like late cuts from a Frank Zappa biopic.



Lonely Boy - The Black Keys. What the fuck even is this? A great song, that's what. Dance, Aces, Dance.



Black Dog - Led Fucking Zeppelin, bitches. Old Led Zeppelin and still sounding great, just to prove that old guys can still get it done. ARE YOU HEARING ME, ACES? OLD GUYS CAN STILL GET IT DONE.

New Rules

Aces representative received this email last week. 

Addendum to last week’s official letter from COTHL management: New Rules to be enforced immediately.

Hopefully everyone read our email from November 15 concerning our efforts to reduce the amount of chippiness and bad behaviour in the league. Just so there is no confusion, please read and memorize the following new rules, which are to be implemented beginning immediately.

Rule 1: No profanity.
Any instances of profanity will result in the application of either a minor or major penalty, depending on the severity of the swear:

damn: 2 minutes
h-e-double hockey sticks: 2 minutes
s-h-one-tee: 2 minutes
jesusmotherfuckingtapdancingchristonadirtbike: 4 minutes

Rule 2: No inappropriate touching
This includes all ‘hitting from behind’. Major penalty, match penalty if it includes penetration.

Rule 3: No arriving late.
All players must arrive before the midway point of the second period. Anyone arriving after that must buy the beer the following week.

Rule 4: Smack talk.
All smack talk from now on must be in the form of a dope rap. Any insults directed towards opposing players or officiating staff not accompanied by a wicked beat will be met with a major penalty. Rhyming is optional. Please note: Rule 4 will override Rule 1 if the dope rap includes profanity.

Rule 5: Aces rule.
As the record-holders for the most consecutive league championships, the Black Aces are to be paid tribute to before each game. Opposing teams must pay a duty of 6 pucks, a water bottle and 2 rolls of clear tape to the Aces. Items are to be laid in order on the Aces bench. No eye contact may be made.

League officials will monitor progress and re-evaluate during the Christmas break.

So there you have it, Aces. Hopefully these new rules don't get in the way of our upcoming juggernaut winning streak. Which did not begin last week. Still looking for win #1 of this season, but it's coming.

The Old Men and The C

This week's post was written by special guest Ernest Hemingway.

I'm looking at you, old men.

They were an old team who played in a league called the COTHL and they had gone eighty-four days now without taking a win. In the first forty days a stick boy had been with them. But after forty days without a win the boy’s parents had told him that the old team was now definitely and finally salao, which is the worst form of unlucky, and the boy had gone at their orders to another team which signed three good players the first week. It made the boy sad to see the old team come in each week with their win column empty and he always went down to help them carry either the pucks or the sticks and beer and the sweaters that were faded and worn. The sweaters were patched with flour sacks and, furled, they looked like flags of permanent defeat.

The old men were thin and gaunt with deep wrinkles in the backs of their necks. The brown blotches of the benevolent skin cancer the sun brings from its reflection on the golf course were on their cheeks. The blotches ran well down the sides of their faces and their hands had the deep-creased scars from handling heavy wooden sticks. But none of these scars were fresh. They were as old as erosions in a winless desert.


Everything about them was old except their eyes and they were the same color as the ice and were cheerful and undefeated.

“Aces,” the boy said to them as they drained sad cans of discount beer. “I could go with you again. I’ve made some money.”


The old men had taught the boy to skate and the boy loved them.
“No,” the old men said. “You’re with a lucky team. Stay with them.” 


“But remember how you went eighty-seven days without win and then we won big ones every week for four weeks. We won the cup that year.”

“We remember,” the old men said. “We know you did not leave us because you doubted.”

“It was papa made me leave. I am a boy and I must obey him.”
 “We know,” the old men said. “It is quite normal.”
 “He hasn’t much faith.” 
“No,” the old men said. “But we have. Haven’t we?” 
‘Yes,” the boy said. “Can I offer you a beer at Ferro and then we’ll take the stuff home.”

“Why not?” the old men said. “Between hockey men.”

They sat at the bar at Ferro and many of the players from other teams made fun of the old men and they were not angry. Others, of the older players, looked at them and were sad. But they did not show it and they spoke politely about the ice and the refs and the steady good weather and of what they had seen.

“May I get you more beers? I know where I can get four pizza slices too.” 
“I have mine left from today. I put them in salt in the box.”
 “Let me get four fresh ones.”
 “One,” the old men said. Their hope and confidence had never gone. But now they were freshening as when the breeze rises.
 “Two,” the boy said. 
“Two,” the old men agreed. “You didn’t steal them?” 
“I would,” the boy said. “But I bought these.” 
“Thank you,” the old men said. They were too simple to wonder when they had attained humility.

But they knew they had attained it and they knew it was not disgraceful and it carried no loss of true pride. 

“Next week is going to be a good game with this team,” they said.

“Better than a 5-0 loss to the Battlers” the boy said.

“Yes” said the old men. “It will be a good game.”


Aces pose after their most recent win

This week's entry is based on this original story.

A Poem

Spoken Word poet Fez5 performs an original composition at the most recent Nod Club Poetry Slam Open Mike Night and Marijuana Recipe Exchange

the lights dim except for a solitary red spot shining on Fez5, a person of indeterminate age, heritage, gender, and possibly species, wearing some very dark glasses.

"Thanks y'all. Peace."

"A!! A is for A says me.
For Aces. So black, so white. But that doesn't matter
as a matter of fact what matters is what's the matter with...
the Aces."

Fez5 pulls out a bongo drum from beneath his/her/its poncho. Possibly a Mexican poncho, but quite possibly also a Sears poncho purchased at a steep discount at a recent clearance sale at the Scarboro Town Centre location.

Fez hits the bongo a single time, then holds it up with one hand and continues, speaking directly to it.

"A gathering of men. Men who gather, I gather, to shoot pucks and cut ice.
But that doesn't cut any ice with me.
Not until a W appears.
W!! for wednesday
W!!! for winter
W!!!! for win, terminating
this string of woe."

The bongo disappears back into the possibly Mexican poncho.

"F!! is for five. The number of times these Ace men have fallen.
Fallen and not gotten up. What the F, Aces? Have you
forgotten how to W?
and don't talk to me of ties. Ties are for
business men
hockey men don't wear ties. "

Fez takes off the dark glasses and makes a disgusted face. The bongo falls to the ground with a sad 'bop' and lays at his feet.

"I mean come on! You seein' this shit? Only half the team showin' up and half of them showin' up late? I got money on these clowns, yo. And they not even takin' it serious! Damn."

Fez kicks the bongo into the crowd and stomps off.

Latest results: Warriors 6, Aces 5 with a couple of posts hit in the final 60 seconds.

Sorry, Fez. We can do better.

Aces Season Forecast

All signs point to beers at Ferro

Local hockey team the Black Aces continue to play the ‘long game’ in their quest for a record-breaking 6th consecutive COTHL title this year, skating themselves and rival squad the Wyse Guys to a 2-2 standstill in their most recent match.

Team statistician and sometime strategist Pete S explains: “Mathematically speaking, a team with our level of talent should win more games than we lose. In this league the only games that matter are the final 2 - the playoffs. If we hold off and save our wins for later in the season this improves our chances of another league title. So we take our time getting wins until down the road.”

Are the Aces on the right track? Your intrepid reporter has done some complicated math using something called 'imaginary numbers' (a real thing, you can look it up) and has come up with a highly accurate long range forecast for the 2017-2018 season, based on the team’s early results.

Game 1: 5-3 Loss
Game 2: 4-3 Loss
Game 3: 5-5 Tie, gave away a 4 goal lead
Game 4: 2-2 Tie, gave away a 1 goal lead

If this pattern continues this is what we can expect:

Game 5: Aces 3, Warriors 2. Aces come back from a 1 goal deficit and win with last-minute goal

Game 10: Aces 12, Wyse Guys 0. Game is halted after 2 periods as WGs refuse to leave their bench.

Game 15: Aces 99, Battlers 0. Battlers team scores 99 ‘own goals’ while the Aces sip imported beer on their bench. Aces are investigated for using banned mind control techniques but nothing is proven.

Game 20: Aces Titanium, Warriors Lithium. Clearly the Aces win this one.

Game 23: Aces 357, Warriors -12⁵. Laws of physics ignored, time is reversed within Phil White Arena. Jesus appears on a flying zamboni wearing an Aces windbreaker and sequined cowboy boots, a now beautiful Zamboni Girl on his arm.

Playoffs: Aces lose both games by a score of 8-0, having mathematically exhausted their supply of wins (and miracles).

Clearly we have to pace ourselves, gentlemen, if we expect to take home the hardware in March. So let’s continue our current style of play just a little longer - the giveaways, the indifferent clearing attempts, the unnecessary penalties. John, a little less of the steady netminding please.

Early game this week. Warriors. You know what (not) to do.

Aces Give Thanks

Local hockey team the Black Aces celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving this past week by giving away a big lead against rivals the Bloor Battlers.

Up 5-1 in the second, the blackshirts somehow decided that they were uncomfortable with such a commanding lead and generously gave 4 straight goals back to the enemy. After the game, team Buddhist Monk Paul M was pleased with the result:

“Earthly possessions will only negatively impact ones karma and should be shunned whenever possible” said Mike through a thick haze of “incense” . “The Aces followed the dharma beautifully tonight by letting go of a 4 goal lead. The game resulted in a perfectly balanced state, as you can see. We are on the correct path.”

Other players saw things a little differently. Team psychoanalyst James D provided his post-game analysis in a series of numbered tweets:

1. Stunning turnaround on the ice tonight at the PWA. Black Aces self-sabotaged a sure win, possibly due to unresolved father issues. #WTF

[many tweets later]

38. In conclusion, I believe only an extended round of weapons-grade Seratonin Re-uptake Inhibitors and beer will lift the team out of this depression. I’ll be recommending this course of action and writing all Aces a script for SRIs ASAP #iheartbigpharma

Team guitar technician Mike K wasn’t so sure about James’ analysis. “This is all because we missed training camp” said Mike “We didn’t set the tone for the season by getting obliterated on the golf course together before the season began. Every good team knows this is mandatory. All the best teams do it, it’s a Canadian tradition. I’m doing my best to put together a better-late-than-never camp but the weather isn’t cooperating. We may have to get obliterated on the ski hill instead. Or head down to our southern headquarters in Bucarias, Mexico, just as soon as hurricane season ends.”

Aces goals were meaninglessly provided by Ralph, Joe D, new guy Martin, Rich and Pete S.

Make the Aces Great Again

Transcript of a recent speech from POTUS #45, during the visit of Stanley Cup champions the Pittsburgh Penguins to the White House.

* * *

Hello, welcome to the White House… penguins is it? You don’t look like penguins. Penguins are much smaller and you guys are very big. Yuge. Very big men. The biggest maybe. Tremendous size.

People are saying that your team is a very great team, very great. Maybe even the best. Tremendous talent. But do you know of another team called, what are they called again Sarah? The Aces? The Black Aces. Black Aces? Just the sweaters, oh. Tremendous team, but so far this year… not good. Not good.

I’ve created over a million jobs since I’m president, the economy is booming, we have the highest employment numbers we’ve ever had in the history of our country but the Aces are still struggling. Lost all their games this year. Every one of them. Sad.

So penguin men I want you to ask yourselves how can we make the Aces great again.  Maybe I should just meet with them, do you think? Because my dad said I have the Midas touch, everything I touch turns to gold. So I could touch the Aces. And that would make them great again. Believe me. Crooked Hillary could never do that. But I don’t like to touch people so maybe that wouldn’t be great.

But you know what I like about the Aces? They’re real. Not fake. Not fake. Not like those other teams, the failing Warriors or the fake Battlers. The Wyse Guys? Not very wise. Not wise. They did ask me to coach them though, so maybe they are smart after all. Begged me. Donald, they said, you’d make the best hockey coach in the history of hockey, please coach us. But I said no. Not wise enough. They have some very fine players but I had to say no because the Aces are my team and only I can help them become great again. By not touching them.

If I had been at their last game maybe they wouldn't have lost 4-3 to the Warriors. That's what many people are saying right now. But I was in Puerto Rico saving the Puerto Ricans with some beautiful soft paper towels. People were cheering, it was beautiful. So much work.

Ok penguins, that's all I have time for. Back to the north pole you go.

Have a good time.

* * *

Wow, Aces. That was something. As DJT said, a 4-3 loss to an improved Warriors squad with goals coming from Mark and both Petes. We still have some work to do.

Let's Play...

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces began their quest for a sixth straight COTHL title this week in their usual fashion - slowly. Minutes before game time only a light dusting of players could be found in the room, with many regulars opting to give the opening night a miss in order to tend to more important matters, no doubt.

“But Scribe” I hear you ask “What could be more important than starting the new season off right, especially when a world record 6th straight championship is on the line?”

I know, Dear Reader, I hear you. How could anything take precedence over such a critical sporting event? Maybe we should check in with the missing Aces and see.

Simon - soccer injury. Fortunately all soccer injuries can be instantly cured by the application of a damp sponge, so Simon should be ready for game 2
Rod - was still celebrating last year’s big win as late as last week, so is recovering from alcohol poisoning
Mark - training with Gary Roberts to increase his chances of a last minute call-up to the Las Vegas Golden Showers (Golden Nights farm team)
Pete T - on tour with the SnuggleFucks, a children’s punk band specializing in play dates for children under 2 (and their hot moms)
Joe H - climbing K2 with the Sherpa Grrls. They aren’t Sherpas, they are an all-girl metal band from Katmandu. Average age: 16.1
Paul - on his way to Puerto Rico by bicycle, bringing much-need supplies of food and MAGA hats to desperate hurricane victims

One man who did make the extra effort is team owner, manager, and now goddam inspiration Aubrey S, recently recovered from hip surgery and because he liked it so much the first time, prepping for one more this week. His presence behind the bench (literally, behind the bench) was not enough to rally the troops however, and the Aces finished with a 5-3 loss to the Wyse Guys.

No problem though. The Aces know that getting out of the starting gate too quickly can lead to burnout. Better to play possum for now and save energy for the home stretch (aka, the final 2 games of the year) than to rush into things.

Score sheet: 2 for Ralph, 1 for Pete S.

Take Five

After winning an astounding 5th consecutive league championship, local ice hockey team the Black Aces put in a tepid showing at the traditional post-season awards show and pizza fest last week. Only a couple of Aces could apparently be arsed to show up this year, probably because they think they all that now they win a couple times.

Aces gave various  reasons for skipping the bash at Ferro.

Simon C was tied up in pre-production of the X-Men movie “AceMen: Hockey Apocalypse”, which he was tagged to direct after producers caught wind of his incredible performance in this year’s COTHL playoffs.

Mark L was busy hosting the Real Housewives of Toronto at his downtown penthouse condo. Rumour has it that he is negotiating a TV deal for his own reality show, tentatively titled “Mark Shags the Real Housewives of Toronto” and could not get away to attend the hockey party at Ferro.

Team puckstopper John M was overbooked, and (if my intel is correct) was leading a covert operation into ISIS territory, where a battalion of 72 virgins under his command were attempting to smash the terrorist bastards once and for all.

Team spirit animal Rod P was busy knitting team victory hats for everyone.

Nautical specialist Al H was interviewing cabin boys for his next off-season sailing adventure.

Bruce H: heli-skiing in the Rockies. With Team owner Paul F.

Pete S: “parent-teacher night” whatever that means.

Pete T: prepping for his audition as Neil Peart’s replacement in Rush.

Paul M: is getting ready to be the first man to race and win both the Tour of Flanders and Paris-Roubaix whilst towing a trailer full of hockey equipment. Good luck Paul!

Joe H: is in Mexico or something. Yeah, right.

Another amazing season, Aces. We now take our place beside such other sporting dynasties as:

• The 1956 - 1960 Montreal Canadiens
• F1 driver Michael Schumacher, who won 5 consecutive championships with Ferrari from 2000 to 2004
• the 1949 - 1953 New York Yankees
• Miguel Indurain, Tour de France winner 1991 - 1995. 

Next on the calendar: some well-deserved golf / training camp preparations. In the meantime here are the victory pics to remind everyone of just how awesome this team is:

flic.kr/s/aHskRAjuVm

Aces Prepare to Make History

They say history repeats itself, and local hockey team the Black Aces are hoping that’s true as they prepare for a history-making 5th straight championship in the venerable COTHL. After decisively downing a befuddled Battlers team 3-0 in the semi-finals, the blackshirts will face a surging Warriors squad in 2 weeks time. The coveted CO Cup is the prize, and the Aces are ready.

But are they ready enough? The only way to be sure is to implement a battle-tested pre-game readiness program in the fortnight leading up to the final game. Team tailor and sometime bench boss Rod P explains:

“This is the same regime that all the professional European football teams follow during the World Cup” said Rod after the semi-final win. “With one or two modifications.”

After pulling a half-full bottle of Slivovitz from somewhere inside his coat and enjoying a nice pull from it, he continued - 

“Rule number one: no sexual intercourse during the 2 weeks before the big game. Very important. This saps the primal energy from the root chakra, and leaves a man weak and unable to back check. So no nookie, snu-snu, or sweet sweet lovemaking with the wife or girlfriend, Aces. 

“However… I do have a short list of approved activities that should help the team stay focused and prepare for the final game. 

“It’s important to stay relaxed, so trips to the spa are encouraged. I recommend the Sugar Moon 24 Hour spa on the Danforth, in particular the Gentleman’s Special. Ask for Trish and mention my name.

“Getting your hair done is also a great idea. I recommend the Gentleman’s Brazilian at my favourite salon, Dewy Scrotum and Howe on Richmond Street. Ask for Vito and mention my name for a nice discount.

“To keep your energy up, coffee is allowed. I recommend the Gentleman’s Latte at Starf*cks, which is a little place in Parkdale that has always treated me right. Ask for Gina and mention my name for some extra foam.

“Us mature players have to pay extra attention to staying limber and flexible, so I want everyone to check out Foxxxy’s Hott Yoga Studio on Airport Road. The Gentleman’s Introductory class is worth your time, just ask for Moon and mention my name for a very special Downward Dog.

“Cars are important to us, and your car should look its best when you pull into Phil White on the 22nd. I recommend the Gentleman’s Wax & Wash at Lady Sudsalot Topless Car Wash at Kennedy and Eglinton. Ask for Julie and mention my name for some extra attention to the gear shift.

“And finally, gentlemen, why not curl up with a good book? I’m offering the Aces access to my personal collection of vintage Playboys. Just come on by and ask for Rod.”

Aces Allege Wiretap Scheme

In a statement some sources are calling ‘shocking’, ‘groundbreaking’ and ‘baffling’, local ice hockey team the Black Aces alleged this week that they had been the targets of a sustained wiretap operation from their COTHL rivals during the 2016-2017 regular season.

Team President Aubrey tweeted: “I'd bet a good lawyer could make a great case out of the fact that the Warriors were tapping our phones in October, just prior to Hallowe’en!”

Aces cybersecurity expert Mike K explains: “We know they did it. Those other teams are either sick or very bad men.” When pressed for evidence, Mr K would only say “Shut up! No, YOU’RE stupid!” and then held his breath until reporters backed away. 

Although the Aces could produce no evidence of a wiretap, your intrepid reporter has connections. Deep sources in the COTHL underground have in fact confirmed that the illegal wiretaps did take place, and have even provided the following transcript of a conversation between top officials from the Battlers, Wyse Guys and Warriors as they played back one of the tapes. How did this transcript come to be? A wiretap, of course.

Voice 1: Ok, roll the tape. 

[sound of cheap tape recorder play button being pressed, followed by garbled and distorted conversation between 10-12 voices at once] 

Voice 1: What the heck are they talking about? Can anyone make this out? The sound quality is terrible.

Voice 2: We hid the microphone inside Goalie's pads, maybe that's why.

Voice 3: You mean John? 

Voice 2: No, Goalie. Who's John?

Voice 1: It sounded like someone said ‘forehead dildo’. 

Voice 3: No, I thought he said ‘forecheck Bill: go’. That makes more sense. 

Voice 1: I could swear I heard ‘forehead dildo’. 

Voice 2: Shut up! Listen to the tape! There’s no such thing as a forehead dildo.

[more jumbled voices mixed with the sound of laughter and opening beer cans]

Voice 2: Zamboni world? Zamboni swirl? Have they done something to the zamboni? We gotta check that out, boys. Have someone get down to Phil White and shake down that zamboni driver.

Voice 3: Now they’re speaking Italian… Carmelo… Amore… Fungi… it sounds like they’re involved with the mafia, you guys. They’re gonna know we bugged their room! We are so dead! I knew this was a bad idea. 

[sound of someone hyperventilating into a paper bag]

Voice 1: Shhh! Listen... Fernie... Big White... Bucerias... none of this makes any sense. Are you sure we bugged the right team? They're not even talking about hockey.

Voice 2: Hey, why is there an ear-shaped pinata hanging from the ceiling? Get me my stick.

[muffled crash]  

At this point our counter-wiretap recording goes dead. Also there will be an additonal $50 charger per player this year to cover the cost of a new spy microphone and an ear-shaped pinata. 

In actual hockey news, the Aces wrapped up a semi-successful season with a 4-2 win over the Battlers. Two goals for Joe 2Names, 1 each for Mark and Pete S.

The Playoff Drive Begins

Now that the warmest February on record is almost over, local hockey team the Black Aces are turning their collective attention to their annual gruelling playoff run. Temperatures over the last 10 days have been well above normal, ensuring less than acceptable conditions on ski hills within a 500km radius. This has freed up the Aces to devote the 78% of their brains normally reserved for skiing to thinking about other things. Like hockey.

"It's true" said team telemarketer Rich W "Now that the snow is gone I find myself thinking less about carving turns through pristine powder above the treeline and more about how we're going to get through this insane playoff drive."

The Aces improved their chances of going to the dance for a 5th consecutive year by eeking out a 4-3 win over a troublesome Warriors squad in their most recent game. A last-minute goal by Ralph (his 2nd of the game and 14th goal in the last 3) sealed the deal, with Pete S potting the other 2 Aces goals.

Other Aces are also getting mentally and physically prepped for the dash to the post-season, a COTHL ritual that sees only 4 teams make it through to the playoffs.

Team birdcaller Paul M has decided to go all-out this year to make sure he's in peak physical condition for the big show. "Not only am I riding my bike to games with my equipment towed behind me, I'll be towing the entire team's equipment as well" said Paul. "All week long, not just on game day. My family won't let me in the house because of the smell, but it's all worth it."

To ensure success if and when the team makes the post-season, team yodelling instructor Ralph R has initiated a strict diet for the rest of the season. "I only had 6 beers last night" said Ralph as he fidgeted with his hands "6! You want dedication, there you go. The playoffs can't come soon enough, y'ask me."

The rest of the team is following the general guidelines laid down in ancient times by a 31-year-old Aubrey, now the spiritual leader of the team and facing off-season surgery to replace every joint and muscle in his body. Written on sheepskin using the blood of a mastodon, the list is a simple "do more" versus "do less" affair, so that even beer league hockey players can understand it. Here it is:

Cedarvale Massacre

You there, Joe Trudeau. What is your question?

With mainstream media outlets in disarray due to the unprecedented attacks on them as ‘fake’ by US President Donald Trump and his White House staff, your intrepid Black Aces reporter was able to slip into last week’s press conference on the strength of nothing more than a red baseball cap and a Make America Great Again T-shirt. An excerpt of his exchange with the president, which somehow was not televised, is below.

Intrepid Aces Reporter

"Mr President are you aware of the terrible events of last night in Toronto Canada?"

Donald J Trump

(squints into the lights)

"Is that you Joe? I mean Mister Prime Minister? Tremendous to see you again."

IAR

"No Mr President, I’m a reporter with the Black - er, White Aces Network in Toronto Canada. Canadian media are not reporting on the Cedarvale Massacre, which definitely did occur last night in Toronto and is in no way a made up thing."

DJT

"Are all you Canadians so amazingly handsome? Isn't he handsome, ladies and gentlemen? Tremendous. No, handsome Canadian man, I was not aware of this. Spice!! "

A worried-looking Sean Spicer runs out to the podium and confers off-mic with the president. Trump nods sagely, juts his chin in a presidential manner.

DJT

"I’ve just been told that we have our best people on it already. We have the very best people, as you know, the very very best. Fine-tuned machine. But why don’t you give us some details for the benefit of the New York Times and those other fakey-fake news outlets back there behind you. Maybe they can learn something, but I doubt it."

IAR

"Mister President sir, details are sketchy but it appears that the Black Aces deliberately destroyed the Bloor Battlers, who were wearing their white away sweaters at the time, by a score of 5-2 at Cedarvale Arena. It’s being referred to as the Cedarvale Massacre, but the CBC and other mainstream liberal Canadian media are refusing to cover the story."

Trump pauses to consider this sentence, which appears to have taken him by surprise.

DJT

"What colour did you say these Aces were?"

IAR

"Black, sir. The Black Aces. Against battlers in white. 2 goals for Bruce, 2 for Ralph, and one for Rich. Officials tried to stop the slaughter by calling unwarranted penalties but in the end it was no use. The Black Shirts could not be turned aside."

DJT

"We must stop all immigration from Canada immediately until we know what’s going on. I’ll be signing a new executive order first thing in the morning. We have to do it, people, black aces are pouring over the border, invading our defensive zones and terrorizing our people.

No more questions, thank you."

этот человек безумен

Context: DONALD TRUMP’S ALTERNATIVE-REALITY PRESS CONFERENCE

Aces Post a Loss

Local hockey team the Black Aces enjoyed a less than stellar outing in their most recent game, another disappointing loss to a non-threatening Warriors squad. This time the blackshirts fell by a score of 2-1 in spite of seeing more than enough chances around (but not IN) the net.

How did they manage to not outscore the Warriors this time? If you look closely you will find a hidden clue somewhere on this page. Go ahead, I'll wait. And while you hunt for the clue I'll just go back to watching my second favourite Italian movie of all time (after I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore of course) Il Postino. Magnificent work, really.

Oh, are you back? Did you find the clue? That's right, they played like a bunch of pussies. Well done.

On a happier note, the fine people at Ferro kept the kitchen open and prepared some delicious pizzas for the Aces' post-game meal.

Onward. The playoffs loom, and we want to go into the post-season on a high note.

I hope you enjoyed this week's post.

I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore

Film Development Proposal - Telefilm Canada

Ti amo Maria, ma il mio cuore è per le assi

To: Vaness Manco, Ontario region application officer
From: Enrico Wardoni, Assi Neri Produzioni

Ciao Vanessa,

Please accept the attached documentation as our application for Telefilm Canada Canadian Media Fund development funds for for our new Canadian-Italian co-production “I Nostri Assi Neri, il Nostro Amore”.

This project will be a short pseudo-documentary film shot in the style of Michelangelo Antonioni, the great Italian filmmaker of the 1960s. Think L’Avventura on ice - people (in this case, local Toronto hockey team the Black Aces) search for… what? Love? Victory? Some meaning to their lives? The answer is never revealed. Our documentary crew follows the Aces as they struggle to prevail in the ultra-competitive COTHL. Stark black and white photography emphasizes the blackness of their quest, while paradoxically revealing the non-binary nature of reality itself.

While presented in the style of a documentary, we will actually be re-creating scenes from the team’s history in order to ensure artistic integrity and quality. This will include the team’s latest game, a hard-fought 4-4 tie with league-leading Wyse Guys that saw them pull the goalie in the last minute to bang home the tying goal. Another 2 goals came from hot-streaking Ralph, plus singles from Pete T and Mark (the aforementioned tying goal).

Assi Neri Produzioni is seeking 120 million dollars to complete this 20 minute film, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a fair price for such an important work of art. A complete line-by-line production costs estimate is attached, but some highlights include:

• $55 million for recreating the entire Phil White Arena in our Italian production facilities in Milano
• $23 million for the construction of a custom Zamboni ice-cleaning machine by the Ferrari design team
• $13 million to hire Italian actress Monica Bellucci to play the key role of Zamboni Girl
• $2.4 million for the recreation of Ferro’s restaurant, which must be located at our production facility in Milano in order to ensure that the kitchen remain open and operational during the shoot
• $1.6 million for beer

Meet the new Zamboni Girl

Ms Manco I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience, and I look forward to working with Telefilm Canada to bring this incredible film to the public.

Ciao!

Enrico Wardoni
Consulente Senior di Produzione
Assi Neri Produzioni

Not all bad news

Somewhere out there in space is a chunk of rock heading for the Earth that is just big enough to wipe out all life on the planet. While we wait for that to happen, let's review a few events from the past week, in no particular order:

1.  US President Trump continues his descent into madness, banning travellers from 7 Muslim countries from entering the United States. Chaos ensues.
2. Some piece of shit in Quebec opened fire on a mosque, killing 6 people.
3. Massive ice storm in New Brunswick.
4. Spring break in January is over, winter is back.
5. Kevin O'Leary and Kellie Leithch are serious about running for PC Party Leadership.
6. The guy who invented Pac Man died.
7. Scientists have moved the 'Doomsday Clock' the closest to midnight it's been since the 1950s.
8. Artificial intelligence seems like a good idea.
9. Starbucks promises to hire refugees, Trump supporters say they'll boycott Starbucks.
10. Aces defeat Battlers, 4-3. Great game from Ralph with the hattie, plus a single from Pete T. There was almost enough beer to go around after the game. 

See, it's not all bad news.


Also, there's this:

Aces Will Not Attend Inauguration

Incredible game, Aces. Unbelievable.

Local hockey legends the Black Aces have confirmed that they will not be attending the upcoming inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States. The Aces join a long list of celebrities and VIPs who have decided to give the event a miss.

Team communications director Aubrey S explains: "Trump's people must have heard about our latest game" he said "KellyAnn Conway herself tweeted at me about bringing the Aces down to DC for the inauguration, but after talking to the guys I had to tell her we'd be a no-show."

The game in question was a thrilling 2-1 victory over this year's COTHL "it" team, the Wyse Guys. The blackshirts fell by a wide margin in their previous matchup, so the victory this time around was sweet.

"We built a wall and made the Wyse Guys pay for it" said Aces defensive coordinator Al H after the game. "So maybe the Donald thought we were sympatico with his foreign policy approach, I'm not sure."

Goals came from Ralph and Joe 2 Names, and the entire team stuck to the game plan of "don't let their number one guy have the puck". It seemed to work. So well in fact that it secured them an invitation to the presidential inauguration on January 20.

"I only want winners at my crowning" said an orange-hued Trump when reached by your intrepid Aces reporter and scribe "and the Aces are winners. Every one of them. Believe me. This isn't over yet."

The Aces' next game is against perennial whipping boys the Warriors. Presumably the President Elect will be paying close attention.

Dear SantaCo

Dear SantaCo.,

Thank you so much for bringing me the cool Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set for Christmas this year! It was exactly what I wanted, and I was very excited when I finally unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Mom and Dad said you would know what I wanted, and I guess they were right.

At first everything looked perfect. All the defensemen were in the package, and it even included the Marksman Mark^® Scoring Unit. My friend Bob has the Battlers set and he’s always bragging about how great it is, but he’s a dick so of course I really wanted to beat him bad.

The 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 editions were all really great, everyone knows that. So that’s why I wanted this latest edition for 2017.

I’m writing you a letter because I think there’s something wrong with my set. When I put them on the ice, something looked not quite right. The D was terrible, the Army John^® Goalie Unit missed a bunch of shots, and most of the time the forwards just skated around in circles. Two of the forwards even had skis instead of skates, so they were totally useless.

I don’t want to return the Aces but if dickhead Bob and the Battlers beat me one more time I’m shipping the whole box back to you, Santa.

Please tell me what to do.

Your friend,

Little Jimmy in Toronto


Dear Little Jimmy,

Santa is on vacation in Maui right now, so as head of Customer Service I’m authorized to respond on Santa’s behalf.

I am so sorry to hear about the defective Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set, please accept my and Santa's deepest apologies for this terrible situation. We take our toys very seriously here at SantaCo^®, and we’re prepared to make things right for you.

To that end, I have included along with this letter a one pound bag of medical-grade marijuana grown by some very special elves right here in the world famous North Pole Grow Op. We call this blend “Hyper Drive”. It’s given a light dusting of Adderall just before we ship it, and if you put it in the box with your Aces and then just give it a shake, it will really help them focus the next time you put them on the ice.

Good luck Little Jimmy.

Ron Donaldson

SantaCo Customer Service Dept.

www.santaco.com

PS – Do not, I repeat, do NOT under any circumstances combine the Hyper Drive with any amount of Old Speckled Hen. We are still in legal proceedings from an unfortunate pecking-related mass killing in the Markham Oldtimers Hockey League in 2015.

PPS – we heard about the 6-4 loss to the Battlers last week and the unfortunate injury to the Marksman Mark^® unit. Stay strong, and 2017 will be another good year for the Aces. Santa himself said so, and you don't cross Santa if you know what's good for you.