Dear SantaCo

Dear SantaCo.,

Thank you so much for bringing me the cool Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set for Christmas this year! It was exactly what I wanted, and I was very excited when I finally unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Mom and Dad said you would know what I wanted, and I guess they were right.

At first everything looked perfect. All the defensemen were in the package, and it even included the Marksman Mark^® Scoring Unit. My friend Bob has the Battlers set and he’s always bragging about how great it is, but he’s a dick so of course I really wanted to beat him bad.

The 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 editions were all really great, everyone knows that. So that’s why I wanted this latest edition for 2017.

I’m writing you a letter because I think there’s something wrong with my set. When I put them on the ice, something looked not quite right. The D was terrible, the Army John^® Goalie Unit missed a bunch of shots, and most of the time the forwards just skated around in circles. Two of the forwards even had skis instead of skates, so they were totally useless.

I don’t want to return the Aces but if dickhead Bob and the Battlers beat me one more time I’m shipping the whole box back to you, Santa.

Please tell me what to do.

Your friend,

Little Jimmy in Toronto


Dear Little Jimmy,

Santa is on vacation in Maui right now, so as head of Customer Service I’m authorized to respond on Santa’s behalf.

I am so sorry to hear about the defective Black Aces Action Figure Hockey Team Set, please accept my and Santa's deepest apologies for this terrible situation. We take our toys very seriously here at SantaCo^®, and we’re prepared to make things right for you.

To that end, I have included along with this letter a one pound bag of medical-grade marijuana grown by some very special elves right here in the world famous North Pole Grow Op. We call this blend “Hyper Drive”. It’s given a light dusting of Adderall just before we ship it, and if you put it in the box with your Aces and then just give it a shake, it will really help them focus the next time you put them on the ice.

Good luck Little Jimmy.

Ron Donaldson

SantaCo Customer Service Dept.

www.santaco.com

PS – Do not, I repeat, do NOT under any circumstances combine the Hyper Drive with any amount of Old Speckled Hen. We are still in legal proceedings from an unfortunate pecking-related mass killing in the Markham Oldtimers Hockey League in 2015.

PPS – we heard about the 6-4 loss to the Battlers last week and the unfortunate injury to the Marksman Mark^® unit. Stay strong, and 2017 will be another good year for the Aces. Santa himself said so, and you don't cross Santa if you know what's good for you.