Aces Allege Wiretap Scheme

In a statement some sources are calling ‘shocking’, ‘groundbreaking’ and ‘baffling’, local ice hockey team the Black Aces alleged this week that they had been the targets of a sustained wiretap operation from their COTHL rivals during the 2016-2017 regular season.

Team President Aubrey tweeted: “I'd bet a good lawyer could make a great case out of the fact that the Warriors were tapping our phones in October, just prior to Hallowe’en!”

Aces cybersecurity expert Mike K explains: “We know they did it. Those other teams are either sick or very bad men.” When pressed for evidence, Mr K would only say “Shut up! No, YOU’RE stupid!” and then held his breath until reporters backed away. 

Although the Aces could produce no evidence of a wiretap, your intrepid reporter has connections. Deep sources in the COTHL underground have in fact confirmed that the illegal wiretaps did take place, and have even provided the following transcript of a conversation between top officials from the Battlers, Wyse Guys and Warriors as they played back one of the tapes. How did this transcript come to be? A wiretap, of course.

Voice 1: Ok, roll the tape. 

[sound of cheap tape recorder play button being pressed, followed by garbled and distorted conversation between 10-12 voices at once] 

Voice 1: What the heck are they talking about? Can anyone make this out? The sound quality is terrible.

Voice 2: We hid the microphone inside Goalie's pads, maybe that's why.

Voice 3: You mean John? 

Voice 2: No, Goalie. Who's John?

Voice 1: It sounded like someone said ‘forehead dildo’. 

Voice 3: No, I thought he said ‘forecheck Bill: go’. That makes more sense. 

Voice 1: I could swear I heard ‘forehead dildo’. 

Voice 2: Shut up! Listen to the tape! There’s no such thing as a forehead dildo.

[more jumbled voices mixed with the sound of laughter and opening beer cans]

Voice 2: Zamboni world? Zamboni swirl? Have they done something to the zamboni? We gotta check that out, boys. Have someone get down to Phil White and shake down that zamboni driver.

Voice 3: Now they’re speaking Italian… Carmelo… Amore… Fungi… it sounds like they’re involved with the mafia, you guys. They’re gonna know we bugged their room! We are so dead! I knew this was a bad idea. 

[sound of someone hyperventilating into a paper bag]

Voice 1: Shhh! Listen... Fernie... Big White... Bucerias... none of this makes any sense. Are you sure we bugged the right team? They're not even talking about hockey.

Voice 2: Hey, why is there an ear-shaped pinata hanging from the ceiling? Get me my stick.

[muffled crash]  

At this point our counter-wiretap recording goes dead. Also there will be an additonal $50 charger per player this year to cover the cost of a new spy microphone and an ear-shaped pinata. 

In actual hockey news, the Aces wrapped up a semi-successful season with a 4-2 win over the Battlers. Two goals for Joe 2Names, 1 each for Mark and Pete S.