Addendum to last week’s official letter from COTHL management: New Rules to be enforced immediately.
Hopefully everyone read our email from November 15 concerning our efforts to reduce the amount of chippiness and bad behaviour in the league. Just so there is no confusion, please read and memorize the following new rules, which are to be implemented beginning immediately.
Rule 1: No profanity.
Any instances of profanity will result in the application of either a minor or major penalty, depending on the severity of the swear:
damn: 2 minutes
h-e-double hockey sticks: 2 minutes
s-h-one-tee: 2 minutes
jesusmotherfuckingtapdancingchristonadirtbike: 4 minutes
Rule 2: No inappropriate touching
This includes all ‘hitting from behind’. Major penalty, match penalty if it includes penetration.
Rule 3: No arriving late.
All players must arrive before the midway point of the second period. Anyone arriving after that must buy the beer the following week.
Rule 4: Smack talk.
All smack talk from now on must be in the form of a dope rap. Any insults directed towards opposing players or officiating staff not accompanied by a wicked beat will be met with a major penalty. Rhyming is optional. Please note: Rule 4 will override Rule 1 if the dope rap includes profanity.
Rule 5: Aces rule.
As the record-holders for the most consecutive league championships, the Black Aces are to be paid tribute to before each game. Opposing teams must pay a duty of 6 pucks, a water bottle and 2 rolls of clear tape to the Aces. Items are to be laid in order on the Aces bench. No eye contact may be made.
League officials will monitor progress and re-evaluate during the Christmas break.
So there you have it, Aces. Hopefully these new rules don't get in the way of our upcoming juggernaut winning streak. Which did not begin last week. Still looking for win #1 of this season, but it's coming.
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