Aces in Trouble With PETA

Local hockey club the Black Aces HC this week received a surprise letter from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). In it, the world wide organization famous for jailbreaking lab animals and throwing blood on old ladies in fur hats accused the team of perpetrating unnecessary cruelty on COTHL rivals the Warriors, whom they likened to defenceless puppies or lambs.

“Your recent 7-0 stomping of the white team has crossed a line” the letter said “and we are not going to stand by and let this cruelty continue. You have been warned.”

Aces furrier and new forward Blair C was unsure of what the letter implied. “I personally love pita bread and I’m not sure why this organization is mad at us. Will they pelt us with falafels? I mean, that wouldn’t even hurt. I don’t get it.”

Team forensic psychologist and D-man Al H was able to read the entire letter from PETA and draw some conclusions. “The letter says here in the 14th paragraph, and it’s hard to make out under what looks like smears of fake blood and animal poop, ‘we consider your treatment of the Warriors team to be equivalent to the cruel treatment of factory farmed veal cows, or the abhorrent game of squirrel polo, or the Kitten Stomper.’ I disagree, but then again I only played squirrel polo in college so i could be wrong about that. ”

The Warriors were copied on the threatening letter, and provided an official response to PETA and the Aces:

Dear PETAphiles, in your recent letter to the Black Aces HC you compared the Warriors HC to ‘a basket of helpless puppies being bludgeoned to death by a merciless gang of handsome superheroes’ We strenuously object to this description and hereby demand a retraction. While your description of the Aces as handsome superheroes is accurate, we must disagree with your baseless assertion that they are without mercy. In our most recent game against these fine gentlemen they showed great restraint in keeping their goal count to under 10. For this act of mercy we are truly thankful. We will expect your retraction within a fortnight, otherwise we will be forced to take action. Also, what is a Kitten Stomper? You people are sick.

A copy of the PETA letter is available for viewing in the Aces head office, where it is framed and displayed prominently next to their 5 league championship trophies.

Aces Play “Perfect” Game

Tremendous.

United States president Donald Trump has become known for making surprising and unexpected statements, but his latest press scrum on the White House lawn was more surprising than most. Sources close to the president are trying to keep his statements under wraps as they may be further evidence of encroaching senility, but your humble scribe has contacts inside the White House who have provided us with a transcript of his statements. Behold.

NBC NEWS: Mr President, what is your response to the allegations of improper conduct during negotiations with Ukraine?

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve heard what the do-nothing Democrats are saying about the Aces, and believe me they are wrong. They say the Aces lost 6-0 to the Wyse Guys last week but that’s fake news. Fake news.

CBS NEWS: Sir?

DJT: The Aces played a perfect game. It was so perfect, maybe the most perfect game that’s ever been played. I know a lot about the ice hockey, some people say I know more about it than anyone in the universe, and believe me the Aces played the most beautiful, perfect, tremendous game of ice... hockey last week. Every shift was outstanding. Tremendous.

NEWSWEEK: Mr President what are you actually talking about?

DJT: I’m talking about the Black Aces Hockey Club. They make me so proud to be an American, because they are fine Americans who play perfect hockey. No collusion, no quid pro quo, just beautiful beautiful hockey. Skating, passing, shooting, they are the very best hockey team to ever play the game.

COTHL WEEKLY: There were reports that the ice at Phil White Arena was substandard last week Mr. President. Do you agree?

DJT: That is a lie. Only the lying liberal media would say such a thing and you should be ashamed of yourself. The ice was pristene. Perfectly zambonied by an outstanding zamboni operator, maybe the best ever.

COTHL WEEKLY: Are you referring to Zamboni Girl?

DJT: Never heard of her, but if I did know her then it was only as a friend, and if it was as more than a friend then it was only once or possibly nine or ten times. I barely knew her. Please talk to Rudy about that. Whom I also barely know, by the way.

CBC NEWS: Are you saying the Aces won last week?

DJT: What I’m saying is that as of today I am imposing tariffs on the blue and red teams. They are very bad people and they’ve said some nasty things about me, very untrue by the way. I’m imposing these tariffs that they will have to pay because from now on it’s Aces first. Aces. First.

Thank you that's all for now. God bless America and the beautiful game of ice hockey.

Aces Fire Babcock

I deserved it.

In the wake of their most recent game, a 5-1 loss to a strong Battlers team, local COTHL stalwarts the Black Aces have announced that they are terminating their relationship with Leafs coach Mike Babcock.

“We felt that the time was right” said Aces power forward and professional dog walker Bruce H. “The team was just not performing up to its potential, and firing Mike Babcock was deemed to be our best option going forward.”

Aces public relations point man Simon C added that even though Babcock had nothing whatsoever to do with the team, the Aces place responsibility for the loss to Blue entirely on the ex-Leaf coach’s shoulders. “We have a lot of talent on this team, but Babcock just couldn’t seem to get the most out of it. He had to go.”


No one was more pleased with Babcock’s termination by the Aces than former NHLer and inspiration for Gritty the Mascot MIke Commodore.

Gritty (left) and Commodore

A former player under Babcock, Commodore wasted no time celebrating his old coach’s firing on Twitter:

Whoa. Commodore was not done though:

At press time the Aces were distancing themselves from Commodore's comments, but not from their decision to fire Mike Babcock.

Aces 1, Technology 0

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Local ice hockey team the Black Aces faced off last week against not only their COTHL rivals the Warriors but against modern technology itself.

Warriors spokesperson P.R. Deltoid explains: “The team has invested heavily in research and development in the off season, and our R&D department has created something we think is going to take us to the league championships this year - the GoalieBot.”

The GoalieBot, said Deltoid “is the perfect merger of robotics, AI and the Internet of Things. Advanced algorithms control its movements in the net, making it the perfect goaltender.

“Unfortunately the GoalieBot is not quite finished yet.”

While the R&D lab puts the finishing touches on their invention the Warriors have had to rely on an earlier version, GoalieBot RC. While still robotic, GoalieBot RC is remotely controlled by an off-site human goalie. With mixed results.

Last week’s game began normally enough as the Aces and Warriors fought to a 2-2 draw in the first period. With the Aces up 3-2 a little while later, the remotely controlled GoalieBot RC system started to show signs of what looked like a lack of proper quality control.

Aces defender Mike M lobbed a shot from beyond the red line that the Warriors keeper failed to stop, or even see. It was downhill from there, as the Aces put pucks in the net on the regular for the rest of the game, eventually building up an 11-2 lead before taking their foot off the gas.

So, was this a mechanical malfunction? Not quite, according to spokesman Deltoid - “GoalieBot RC was found to be functioning normally during the post-game diagnostic analysis. Turns out our remote operator was deliberately letting in as many goals as she could.”

She?

“Yes, a young lady who goes by the name Zamboni Girl? We hired her on the recommendation of one of our players who went on a hot Tinder date with her. She said she knew the league and had inside knowledge of how the Aces like to shoot, so we thought she’d be perfect. Live and learn, I guess.”

Final Score: Aces 11, Warriors 5. Goal scorers: pretty much everyone.

Local Hockey Team Running Candidates in Federal Election

Lawn signs really do work

Local hockey team the Black Aces are running in a key Toronto area riding as the federal election comes down to the wire. While the so-called major parties run their candidates ragged by flying them all over the country in an effort to secure votes, the Black Aces Party has taken a different approach. The entire team is on the ballot in the riding of Toronto - St. Pauls.

Not each individual player - the team itself is the candidate. Voters can choose the Black Aces HC to represent their interests in Ottawa for the next four years.

“The team is offering Canadians - ok, a few select Canadians - a new alternative to the same old politics” stated team PR Chief Mike K during an interview with your scribe “Rather than have just one over-worked person looking after the needs of the constituents, the Aces have assembled a team of 15 dedicated beer league hockey players to the job. That way we can cover more ground in the riding and address everyone’s concerns.”

Flyers dropped off at residents’ homes over the past few weeks lay out the Black Aces platform, which includes some innovative and creative solutions to problems faced by Canadians not just in the Toronto-St. Pauls riding but across the country. A few examples:

Climate Change - the party proposes we lower the boiling point of water to 95 degrees C in order to save energy and lower emissions. The party will also convert all zambonis to electric.

Carbon Tax - the party will abolish the carbon tax and instead shift it to a totally different element in the periodic table: helium. The Helium Tax will raise the same amount of money as the Carbon Tax but will do so entirely on the backs of children’s birthday parties.

Foreign Policy - all foreign policy disputes will be settled by way of ice hockey matches played at Phil White Arena. This will give Canada an edge over every other nation on earth, except maybe Russia.

Legalization of beer - The Aces have put together a proposal to make beer legal… in hockey arena dressing rooms right across this great land. In fact, all arenas will be required to provide a fully stocked beer fridge in every dressing room. Even minor league players will be permitted to knock back a cold one after their games as long as they can get a ride home with their dad.

Toronto-St Pauls voters are invited to Ferro’s on St Clair on election night to celebrate with the team.

In the run-up to the election, the team pulled out another victory over red (Wyse Guys), this time with a come-from-behind never say die all for one and one for all effort. Final score: Aces 4, Wyse Guys 3. Scorers: Blair with 2, Mike with one and returning special guest James with a single. Solid game in net from John Goalie. The team also welcomed back Pete S, who managed to get penalized after a completely out of character altercation with an opposing player. Crazy.

Aces Dominate Nuit Blanche Festivities

After a 2 year hiatus, local hockey team the Black Aces have returned in 2019 to dominate the annual Nuit Blanche event in Toronto. Local art and beer league hockey lovers are thrilled to have the Aces back, as the last 2 Nuit Blanche events were widely considered Nuit Blah.

Aces art historian and silk cravat salesperson John M was on hand to give your scribe the highlights from what was definitely a milestone in Toronto art/hockey history.

“Not since Dave Bidini completed his ‘Fifty Slashes in Fifty Minutes’ performance piece at Moss Park Arena in 1994 has avant garde art combined with ice hockey so successfully” said a tired but happy John at 4am sunday. “The Aces stole the show with their bold vision and excellent playmaking.”

Your scribe did manage to visit several installations across the city and can confirm that the blackshirts did indeed make their presence felt.

This brilliant sculpture, entitled simply “7” depicts the total number of league championships the Aces are predicted to win before the eventual collapse of the biosphere and the extinction of all life as we know it. The team is already at 5. Just saying.

In this dramatic piece, onlookers are awed into submission by the projection of an enormous letter ‘A’ against a brilliant white background. The bent over tree represents the broken dreams of the other teams in the COTHL, while the bridge symbolizes a connection to the legions of past Aces players whose shoulders the current team stands upon.

Other installations included an interactive exhibit where visitors were given the opportunity to shotgun a tallboy and then crush it with a giant metal boot. Very popular, although not as popular as the Zamboni Girls Gone Wild exhibit. Too bad that one got shut down by Toronto Public Health. Something about illegal use of domestic animals and misuse of city ice cleaning equipment.

In actual hockey news, the Aces did pull off another win in their most recent match. The Warriors were the victims this time in spite of recruiting several players from blue and red to bolster their bench. The Aces rolled over them 7-3 anyway.  Many players scored - Blair, uh, Pete D and a couple of others. Sorry, didn't take notes this week.

New Rules for a New Season

Some changes have been made

It's 2019. Western civilization continues to self-destruct. Madmen hold high office, the forests burn, the animals are disappearing, and Apple hasn't released a decent product since Steve Jobs checked out.

Naturally the world has but one all-important question on its collective mind: What's up with the Aces this year? Let's find out.

New Rules

The COTHL has responded to the record number of on-ice assaults, stabbings, homicides and other shenanigans in the 2018-2019 season by bringing in some strict new rules for this year. The new rule book is actually 700 pages long so I won't go into too much detail but here are a few of the highlights.

No swears. Anyone heard uttering a bad word on the ice will be immediately ejected from the game and sent to their room without a post-game beer. The list of banned words is long indeed, and includes such nuclear level utterances as ass, pussy, butthole, dick, fuckhead, shitbird, motherfucker and of course poopyface. Some other banned words might surprise you though, so players should read this section of the New Rules thoroughly to avoid unexpected suspensions. Some odd inclusions on the banned words list: Ford, mackeral, snowmobile, enema, amigo, brunch, airtime, and Alberta. Go figure. The rulebook says nothing about profanity in foreign languages, however, so as a service to the Black Aces your humble scribe has researched how to say 'asshole' in an assortment of non-English tongues.

French: connard, although this seems to be a catch-all word for several english bombs.
Czech:  kretén
Dutch:  kontgat
Estonian: sitapea
Finnish:  persereikä
German: Arschloch (has a nice ring to it)
Italian:  stronzo (the masculine version)
Norwegian:  drittsekk
Polish:  dupek
Spanish:  gilipollas
Ukrainian: mudak (rhymes with "Trump")


Pre-game prayers. All teams will be required to hold pre-game prayer meetings to ensure that each COTHL game is blessed by an officially sanctioned deity. Teams are expected to select from the list of acceptable gods in section 4.2.1 of the 2019 COTHL rulebook. City of Toronto bylaws do however prohibit human sacrifice, the slaughter of livestock, and sodomizing children on city property, so teams are advised to select their deity accordingly. At press time, only the Aces had yet to select a deity - the Wyse Guys went with Norse god Odin, the Battlers chose Egyptian deity Horus, and the Warriors of course picked Roman god of war Mars as their team deity, not that it will do them much good. Rumours persist that the Aces will sign Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds as their godly mascot. Appropriate for end times recreational hockey, at least.

Parking. Did you notice the new parking signs in the arena lot? Nice, eh? Not cheap though. To pay for these, all players will have to start paying $10 per game to park in front of them. Week 1 was a freebie. Use your Green P app to pony up or you might find your car towed away during the game. Spots without a sign are still free - there are 2 of these at the far end of the lot.

As for the Black Aces, the team won its first regular season game in a walk, handing a depleted Wyse Guys squad an 8-3 shellacking. Crisp passing and a relentless forecheck proved too much for the reds even though their roster was bolstered by the addition of some excellent Aces players. Goal scorers: Ralph with 2, Paul M with a pair, Blair with the first of many hat-tricks, and Pete T with a single.

Next game is the late time slot. Joe Himalaya has the diet cokes.

It's going to be epic.