Local hockey club the Black Aces HC this week received a surprise letter from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). In it, the world wide organization famous for jailbreaking lab animals and throwing blood on old ladies in fur hats accused the team of perpetrating unnecessary cruelty on COTHL rivals the Warriors, whom they likened to defenceless puppies or lambs.
“Your recent 7-0 stomping of the white team has crossed a line” the letter said “and we are not going to stand by and let this cruelty continue. You have been warned.”
Aces furrier and new forward Blair C was unsure of what the letter implied. “I personally love pita bread and I’m not sure why this organization is mad at us. Will they pelt us with falafels? I mean, that wouldn’t even hurt. I don’t get it.”
Team forensic psychologist and D-man Al H was able to read the entire letter from PETA and draw some conclusions. “The letter says here in the 14th paragraph, and it’s hard to make out under what looks like smears of fake blood and animal poop, ‘we consider your treatment of the Warriors team to be equivalent to the cruel treatment of factory farmed veal cows, or the abhorrent game of squirrel polo, or the Kitten Stomper.’ I disagree, but then again I only played squirrel polo in college so i could be wrong about that. ”
The Warriors were copied on the threatening letter, and provided an official response to PETA and the Aces:
Dear PETAphiles, in your recent letter to the Black Aces HC you compared the Warriors HC to ‘a basket of helpless puppies being bludgeoned to death by a merciless gang of handsome superheroes’ We strenuously object to this description and hereby demand a retraction. While your description of the Aces as handsome superheroes is accurate, we must disagree with your baseless assertion that they are without mercy. In our most recent game against these fine gentlemen they showed great restraint in keeping their goal count to under 10. For this act of mercy we are truly thankful. We will expect your retraction within a fortnight, otherwise we will be forced to take action. Also, what is a Kitten Stomper? You people are sick.
A copy of the PETA letter is available for viewing in the Aces head office, where it is framed and displayed prominently next to their 5 league championship trophies.
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