Aces Play “Perfect” Game

Tremendous.

United States president Donald Trump has become known for making surprising and unexpected statements, but his latest press scrum on the White House lawn was more surprising than most. Sources close to the president are trying to keep his statements under wraps as they may be further evidence of encroaching senility, but your humble scribe has contacts inside the White House who have provided us with a transcript of his statements. Behold.

NBC NEWS: Mr President, what is your response to the allegations of improper conduct during negotiations with Ukraine?

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve heard what the do-nothing Democrats are saying about the Aces, and believe me they are wrong. They say the Aces lost 6-0 to the Wyse Guys last week but that’s fake news. Fake news.

CBS NEWS: Sir?

DJT: The Aces played a perfect game. It was so perfect, maybe the most perfect game that’s ever been played. I know a lot about the ice hockey, some people say I know more about it than anyone in the universe, and believe me the Aces played the most beautiful, perfect, tremendous game of ice... hockey last week. Every shift was outstanding. Tremendous.

NEWSWEEK: Mr President what are you actually talking about?

DJT: I’m talking about the Black Aces Hockey Club. They make me so proud to be an American, because they are fine Americans who play perfect hockey. No collusion, no quid pro quo, just beautiful beautiful hockey. Skating, passing, shooting, they are the very best hockey team to ever play the game.

COTHL WEEKLY: There were reports that the ice at Phil White Arena was substandard last week Mr. President. Do you agree?

DJT: That is a lie. Only the lying liberal media would say such a thing and you should be ashamed of yourself. The ice was pristene. Perfectly zambonied by an outstanding zamboni operator, maybe the best ever.

COTHL WEEKLY: Are you referring to Zamboni Girl?

DJT: Never heard of her, but if I did know her then it was only as a friend, and if it was as more than a friend then it was only once or possibly nine or ten times. I barely knew her. Please talk to Rudy about that. Whom I also barely know, by the way.

CBC NEWS: Are you saying the Aces won last week?

DJT: What I’m saying is that as of today I am imposing tariffs on the blue and red teams. They are very bad people and they’ve said some nasty things about me, very untrue by the way. I’m imposing these tariffs that they will have to pay because from now on it’s Aces first. Aces. First.

Thank you that's all for now. God bless America and the beautiful game of ice hockey.