New Rules for a New Season

Some changes have been made

It's 2019. Western civilization continues to self-destruct. Madmen hold high office, the forests burn, the animals are disappearing, and Apple hasn't released a decent product since Steve Jobs checked out.

Naturally the world has but one all-important question on its collective mind: What's up with the Aces this year? Let's find out.

New Rules

The COTHL has responded to the record number of on-ice assaults, stabbings, homicides and other shenanigans in the 2018-2019 season by bringing in some strict new rules for this year. The new rule book is actually 700 pages long so I won't go into too much detail but here are a few of the highlights.

No swears. Anyone heard uttering a bad word on the ice will be immediately ejected from the game and sent to their room without a post-game beer. The list of banned words is long indeed, and includes such nuclear level utterances as ass, pussy, butthole, dick, fuckhead, shitbird, motherfucker and of course poopyface. Some other banned words might surprise you though, so players should read this section of the New Rules thoroughly to avoid unexpected suspensions. Some odd inclusions on the banned words list: Ford, mackeral, snowmobile, enema, amigo, brunch, airtime, and Alberta. Go figure. The rulebook says nothing about profanity in foreign languages, however, so as a service to the Black Aces your humble scribe has researched how to say 'asshole' in an assortment of non-English tongues.

French: connard, although this seems to be a catch-all word for several english bombs.
Czech:  kretén
Dutch:  kontgat
Estonian: sitapea
Finnish:  persereikä
German: Arschloch (has a nice ring to it)
Italian:  stronzo (the masculine version)
Norwegian:  drittsekk
Polish:  dupek
Spanish:  gilipollas
Ukrainian: mudak (rhymes with "Trump")


Pre-game prayers. All teams will be required to hold pre-game prayer meetings to ensure that each COTHL game is blessed by an officially sanctioned deity. Teams are expected to select from the list of acceptable gods in section 4.2.1 of the 2019 COTHL rulebook. City of Toronto bylaws do however prohibit human sacrifice, the slaughter of livestock, and sodomizing children on city property, so teams are advised to select their deity accordingly. At press time, only the Aces had yet to select a deity - the Wyse Guys went with Norse god Odin, the Battlers chose Egyptian deity Horus, and the Warriors of course picked Roman god of war Mars as their team deity, not that it will do them much good. Rumours persist that the Aces will sign Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds as their godly mascot. Appropriate for end times recreational hockey, at least.

Parking. Did you notice the new parking signs in the arena lot? Nice, eh? Not cheap though. To pay for these, all players will have to start paying $10 per game to park in front of them. Week 1 was a freebie. Use your Green P app to pony up or you might find your car towed away during the game. Spots without a sign are still free - there are 2 of these at the far end of the lot.

As for the Black Aces, the team won its first regular season game in a walk, handing a depleted Wyse Guys squad an 8-3 shellacking. Crisp passing and a relentless forecheck proved too much for the reds even though their roster was bolstered by the addition of some excellent Aces players. Goal scorers: Ralph with 2, Paul M with a pair, Blair with the first of many hat-tricks, and Pete T with a single.

Next game is the late time slot. Joe Himalaya has the diet cokes.

It's going to be epic.