Aces 1, Technology 0

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Local ice hockey team the Black Aces faced off last week against not only their COTHL rivals the Warriors but against modern technology itself.

Warriors spokesperson P.R. Deltoid explains: “The team has invested heavily in research and development in the off season, and our R&D department has created something we think is going to take us to the league championships this year - the GoalieBot.”

The GoalieBot, said Deltoid “is the perfect merger of robotics, AI and the Internet of Things. Advanced algorithms control its movements in the net, making it the perfect goaltender.

“Unfortunately the GoalieBot is not quite finished yet.”

While the R&D lab puts the finishing touches on their invention the Warriors have had to rely on an earlier version, GoalieBot RC. While still robotic, GoalieBot RC is remotely controlled by an off-site human goalie. With mixed results.

Last week’s game began normally enough as the Aces and Warriors fought to a 2-2 draw in the first period. With the Aces up 3-2 a little while later, the remotely controlled GoalieBot RC system started to show signs of what looked like a lack of proper quality control.

Aces defender Mike M lobbed a shot from beyond the red line that the Warriors keeper failed to stop, or even see. It was downhill from there, as the Aces put pucks in the net on the regular for the rest of the game, eventually building up an 11-2 lead before taking their foot off the gas.

So, was this a mechanical malfunction? Not quite, according to spokesman Deltoid - “GoalieBot RC was found to be functioning normally during the post-game diagnostic analysis. Turns out our remote operator was deliberately letting in as many goals as she could.”

She?

“Yes, a young lady who goes by the name Zamboni Girl? We hired her on the recommendation of one of our players who went on a hot Tinder date with her. She said she knew the league and had inside knowledge of how the Aces like to shoot, so we thought she’d be perfect. Live and learn, I guess.”

Final Score: Aces 11, Warriors 5. Goal scorers: pretty much everyone.

Local Hockey Team Running Candidates in Federal Election

Lawn signs really do work

Local hockey team the Black Aces are running in a key Toronto area riding as the federal election comes down to the wire. While the so-called major parties run their candidates ragged by flying them all over the country in an effort to secure votes, the Black Aces Party has taken a different approach. The entire team is on the ballot in the riding of Toronto - St. Pauls.

Not each individual player - the team itself is the candidate. Voters can choose the Black Aces HC to represent their interests in Ottawa for the next four years.

“The team is offering Canadians - ok, a few select Canadians - a new alternative to the same old politics” stated team PR Chief Mike K during an interview with your scribe “Rather than have just one over-worked person looking after the needs of the constituents, the Aces have assembled a team of 15 dedicated beer league hockey players to the job. That way we can cover more ground in the riding and address everyone’s concerns.”

Flyers dropped off at residents’ homes over the past few weeks lay out the Black Aces platform, which includes some innovative and creative solutions to problems faced by Canadians not just in the Toronto-St. Pauls riding but across the country. A few examples:

Climate Change - the party proposes we lower the boiling point of water to 95 degrees C in order to save energy and lower emissions. The party will also convert all zambonis to electric.

Carbon Tax - the party will abolish the carbon tax and instead shift it to a totally different element in the periodic table: helium. The Helium Tax will raise the same amount of money as the Carbon Tax but will do so entirely on the backs of children’s birthday parties.

Foreign Policy - all foreign policy disputes will be settled by way of ice hockey matches played at Phil White Arena. This will give Canada an edge over every other nation on earth, except maybe Russia.

Legalization of beer - The Aces have put together a proposal to make beer legal… in hockey arena dressing rooms right across this great land. In fact, all arenas will be required to provide a fully stocked beer fridge in every dressing room. Even minor league players will be permitted to knock back a cold one after their games as long as they can get a ride home with their dad.

Toronto-St Pauls voters are invited to Ferro’s on St Clair on election night to celebrate with the team.

In the run-up to the election, the team pulled out another victory over red (Wyse Guys), this time with a come-from-behind never say die all for one and one for all effort. Final score: Aces 4, Wyse Guys 3. Scorers: Blair with 2, Mike with one and returning special guest James with a single. Solid game in net from John Goalie. The team also welcomed back Pete S, who managed to get penalized after a completely out of character altercation with an opposing player. Crazy.

Aces Dominate Nuit Blanche Festivities

After a 2 year hiatus, local hockey team the Black Aces have returned in 2019 to dominate the annual Nuit Blanche event in Toronto. Local art and beer league hockey lovers are thrilled to have the Aces back, as the last 2 Nuit Blanche events were widely considered Nuit Blah.

Aces art historian and silk cravat salesperson John M was on hand to give your scribe the highlights from what was definitely a milestone in Toronto art/hockey history.

“Not since Dave Bidini completed his ‘Fifty Slashes in Fifty Minutes’ performance piece at Moss Park Arena in 1994 has avant garde art combined with ice hockey so successfully” said a tired but happy John at 4am sunday. “The Aces stole the show with their bold vision and excellent playmaking.”

Your scribe did manage to visit several installations across the city and can confirm that the blackshirts did indeed make their presence felt.

This brilliant sculpture, entitled simply “7” depicts the total number of league championships the Aces are predicted to win before the eventual collapse of the biosphere and the extinction of all life as we know it. The team is already at 5. Just saying.

In this dramatic piece, onlookers are awed into submission by the projection of an enormous letter ‘A’ against a brilliant white background. The bent over tree represents the broken dreams of the other teams in the COTHL, while the bridge symbolizes a connection to the legions of past Aces players whose shoulders the current team stands upon.

Other installations included an interactive exhibit where visitors were given the opportunity to shotgun a tallboy and then crush it with a giant metal boot. Very popular, although not as popular as the Zamboni Girls Gone Wild exhibit. Too bad that one got shut down by Toronto Public Health. Something about illegal use of domestic animals and misuse of city ice cleaning equipment.

In actual hockey news, the Aces did pull off another win in their most recent match. The Warriors were the victims this time in spite of recruiting several players from blue and red to bolster their bench. The Aces rolled over them 7-3 anyway.  Many players scored - Blair, uh, Pete D and a couple of others. Sorry, didn't take notes this week.

New Rules for a New Season

Some changes have been made

It's 2019. Western civilization continues to self-destruct. Madmen hold high office, the forests burn, the animals are disappearing, and Apple hasn't released a decent product since Steve Jobs checked out.

Naturally the world has but one all-important question on its collective mind: What's up with the Aces this year? Let's find out.

New Rules

The COTHL has responded to the record number of on-ice assaults, stabbings, homicides and other shenanigans in the 2018-2019 season by bringing in some strict new rules for this year. The new rule book is actually 700 pages long so I won't go into too much detail but here are a few of the highlights.

No swears. Anyone heard uttering a bad word on the ice will be immediately ejected from the game and sent to their room without a post-game beer. The list of banned words is long indeed, and includes such nuclear level utterances as ass, pussy, butthole, dick, fuckhead, shitbird, motherfucker and of course poopyface. Some other banned words might surprise you though, so players should read this section of the New Rules thoroughly to avoid unexpected suspensions. Some odd inclusions on the banned words list: Ford, mackeral, snowmobile, enema, amigo, brunch, airtime, and Alberta. Go figure. The rulebook says nothing about profanity in foreign languages, however, so as a service to the Black Aces your humble scribe has researched how to say 'asshole' in an assortment of non-English tongues.

French: connard, although this seems to be a catch-all word for several english bombs.
Czech:  kretén
Dutch:  kontgat
Estonian: sitapea
Finnish:  persereikä
German: Arschloch (has a nice ring to it)
Italian:  stronzo (the masculine version)
Norwegian:  drittsekk
Polish:  dupek
Spanish:  gilipollas
Ukrainian: mudak (rhymes with "Trump")


Pre-game prayers. All teams will be required to hold pre-game prayer meetings to ensure that each COTHL game is blessed by an officially sanctioned deity. Teams are expected to select from the list of acceptable gods in section 4.2.1 of the 2019 COTHL rulebook. City of Toronto bylaws do however prohibit human sacrifice, the slaughter of livestock, and sodomizing children on city property, so teams are advised to select their deity accordingly. At press time, only the Aces had yet to select a deity - the Wyse Guys went with Norse god Odin, the Battlers chose Egyptian deity Horus, and the Warriors of course picked Roman god of war Mars as their team deity, not that it will do them much good. Rumours persist that the Aces will sign Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds as their godly mascot. Appropriate for end times recreational hockey, at least.

Parking. Did you notice the new parking signs in the arena lot? Nice, eh? Not cheap though. To pay for these, all players will have to start paying $10 per game to park in front of them. Week 1 was a freebie. Use your Green P app to pony up or you might find your car towed away during the game. Spots without a sign are still free - there are 2 of these at the far end of the lot.

As for the Black Aces, the team won its first regular season game in a walk, handing a depleted Wyse Guys squad an 8-3 shellacking. Crisp passing and a relentless forecheck proved too much for the reds even though their roster was bolstered by the addition of some excellent Aces players. Goal scorers: Ralph with 2, Paul M with a pair, Blair with the first of many hat-tricks, and Pete T with a single.

Next game is the late time slot. Joe Himalaya has the diet cokes.

It's going to be epic.

Aces Score CBC TV Drama Deal

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces have just announced that they have inked a deal with Canada's national broadcaster, CBC Radio-Canada, for a 13 episode season of a new television drama.

Tentatively titled "On Yonder Blueline", the series will feature heartwarming yet difficult-to-watch mini-dramas starring Aces players and a cast of Canadian television superstars.

CBC Head of Player Development Ross McMansbridge spoke with reporters (from CBC's The National, of course) to explain the deal. "We felt that the team had finally achieved the perfect mix of mediocrity and anonymity we were looking for" said McMansbridge "As you know, our television drama lineup is widely regarded as the most mediocre content available, and after reviewing the season the Aces just finished we sent our best lawyers right over to get the deal done."

Aces spokesperson and player agent John Goalie was instrumental in getting the Aces signed to the Corp. "If I had to describe our 2018-2019 season, I would have to say it was 'not totally terrible' but also 'not that great'" said John. "'Right in the middle of the road' I'd say. Pretty forgettable, actually. I think we'll be a good fit on CBC Television."

With the ink still drying on the contract, CBC unionized screenwriters are already hard at work coming up with plot lines for the new series. Your scribe managed to get a look at some of the early ideas by bribing a secretary with a Tim Horton's plain donut, and by jingling some car keys in front of her. Here they are:

"Pete Drives Through" 

Aces power forward Pete S stops at a McDonald's drive-thru and orders some food. Then he eats it. In a cameo appearance Cynthia Dale tries to reach into the car to snatch Pete's chicken mcnuggets but he fends her off by opening his equipment bag and she staggers back into the night.

"Game Cancelled"  

Aces D man Jeff drives to the rink only to find the game has been cancelled. The camera follows him in a half-hour tracking shot as he drives despondently home in the freezing rain. The ghosts of Bruno Gerussi and Robert Clothier appear in the back seat and they all speak of the sea as the rain falls.

"Post Game Beverages" 

The Aces celebrate a 6-0 victory over White in the consolation finals by quietly sipping on cans of beer whilst in their underwear. Special guest appearance by Donny the Ref, who delivers a ten minute monologue on the finer points of section 8.2.3 of the OHL Rulebook. Very special guest appearance by Rita McNeil as Zamboni Girl. Viewer discretion is advised.






There you have it, sports and television drama fans. The Black Aces conclude another season but may be starting another, less exciting one.

No hoisting the cup this year but our 5 year run of consecutive championships is still safe. Training camp should iron out any minor issues in our game for next year, right? Right.

So you want to play D

Dear applicant;
Thank you for your recent letter indicating your interest in playing the position of Defenseman for the Black Aces Hockey Club. In order for us to process your application, we ask you to please complete the following questionnaire.

Q. What is the average speed of a typical COTHL wrist shot?
a) 22.2 m/s
b) 50 mph
c) 0.0000746% of the speed of light in a vacuum
d) I don’t care, I’ll block the shot no matter what

Q. Who is the greatest Toronto Maple Leaf of all time?

a) Bobby Baun
b) Ian Turnbull
c) Borje Salming
d) Tim Horton

Q. Who said “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

a) Captain James T Kirk
b) Isaac Newton
c) Albert Einstein
d) Jim McKenney

Q. The angle between the left point and the top right corner of the net in an NHL sized rink is:

a) 16.6 degrees
b) 38.1 degrees
c) It depends if the defenseman is shooting left or right
d) It doesn’t matter. Point shots should be low and hard, not aimed at the top corner.


Q. If Jimmy is skating north-northwest at 28 kilometres per hour and Joey is skating due south at 26 kilometres per hour, what time should you be in the dressing room for an 8:30 game?

a) 7:45
b) 8:29
c) midway through the second period
d) depends on the weather and/or McDonalds drive thru traffic

Q. Who said "Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt." ?

a) Sun Tzu in The Art of War
b) Lau Tzu in the Tao Te Ching
c) American WWII General George S. Patton
d) Bobby Orr in the middle of a mescaline binge with Derek Sanderson

This concludes the multiple choice section of the application.

Essay Question: in 500 words or less please explain why you feel you are qualified to play defence for the Black Aces. Please include detailed diagrams showing your top 3 preferred zone clearing strategies for even strength, shorthanded and power play situations.

Bonus question: who is your favourite Aces defenseman of all time?

Thank you for your interest. Successful candidates will be contacted by email the day of the next game. Keep your gear in the trunk just in case.

Aces Make a Deal

Local hockey team the Black Aces stunned both the hockey and aviation worlds this past week when they announced that they had made a deal with European aircraft manufacturer Airbus for one of the last A380s to roll off the assembly line. This followed the announcement by Airbus last week that they would discontinue the line of super-large passenger jets due to lack of sales.

"We were able to come to an agreement we were both happy with" said Aces' winger and avionics specialist Bruce H. "Airbus was in a tight spot and the team had a financial surplus with all the call-ups we've used this year. Turns out raising the pay-to-play fee to $20 per game was a great idea. It all adds up!"

The team would not divulge the purchase price of the brand new double-decker airliner, but it seems safe to say the Aces paid substantially less than the standard $445 Million retail price. That should leave some money left over for the planned custom upgrades the team negotiated with Airbus. Your humble scribe has managed to secure a partial list of these upgrades, listed here:

• Black and silver interior colour theme throughout.
  
• Full Sized Practice Rink - The A380 is the largest commercial aircraft ever built, so it should be easy to fit an NHL-sized hockey rink into the main level. There's even room for a zamboni and a cabin for the live-in driver. Applications are being accepted as we speak.
  
• Golf simulator - obviously you can't fit a full-sized golf course into an airplane, even an A380, so a 6 bay golf simulator will have to do. It does however have a full bar along with an in-house brewpub.
  
• Wave pool - this will help keep the Aces in shape for the summer surfing season
  
• Petting zoo - make sure to visit the Snake Farm area, the pythons love to be petted and zookeeper and Aces D man Simon C does a great job of keeping 'em frisky.
  
• Gentlemen's club - there will be a dress code, but Aces players can store their complimentary tailored suits in their individual cabins. Each cabin comes with its own butler, whose only task is to keep each suit dry-cleaned and ready to wear.
  
• Skeet shooting range - some modifications have been made to the top deck. Engineers are confident that removing a portion of the fuselage to allow the skeets to be launched into the air will probably not affect the plane's ability to actually fly. Probably.
• Trout pond - fully stocked with one thousand big beautiful Ontario trout. Boat rentals available.
• Parking deck - for the exclusive use of the official Black Aces stretch limo fleet

Your Armani is ready, sir

The deal for the plane is contingent on the team following through on their initial downpayment, said to be "a couple of pies and more than a few beers at Ferro" by Aces chief negotiator and elder statesman Rich W. Rumours of 'personal favours' remain unsubstantiated and will be vigorously defended against by team attorneys. To that end, the fee for next year will be $250,000 per player. Call-ups will pay $2.5 million per game. Team actuarial specialist Mike M calculates the plane will be fully paid off "long before our sun goes supernova, I can assure you."

Not to worry, everyone.

Now that the distraction of buying a new toy is behind them, Aces' management is probably hoping to avoid any further losses like the one the team suffered at the hands of the Team With the Ugly Blue Sweaters. No scoring to report, sadly.