Man in Black

The night is dark. Black, actually. A single streetlamp burns overhead but it throws no real light, and the shadows only appear blacker because of it. From somewhere in the distance the sound of a car engine approaches, and a low-slung black limousine glides into view. The rear window slides down enough for me to see a shadowy figure seated within.

"In." Says the figure. A voice like darkness itself. I get in.

We pull away, the driver unseen behind an opaque glass screen. As my eyes adjust to the dim light, I begin to make out some details. My host, whose invitation to meet him here I accepted only hours ago, sits silently. He faces forward, eyes concealed by dark glasses, both hands atop a black cane with a black skull handle.

"If you want to fix your team, I can help you. The cost may be high but the results will be worth it if you're willing to pay." 

That was all the note said, along with a time and place to meet. It was signed by a Mr. Black. 

Finally the car came to a stop. Through the heavily tinted windows I could just make out the city skyline in the distance. Portlands? The Spit? I couldn't be sure.

"Your team" he said, without looking at me "They are in trouble."

"Well, I wouldn't say that exactly, we did play pretty poorly last game but - "

"It was not a question." Faint trace of an accent... German? Russian? I couldn't place it exactly.

"To find their way once again, the Black Aces must commit to the Path of Blackness" he continued. "This is essential. To do otherwise will be to fail, and a 5th title will be forever out of reach. Can you commit to the Path of Blackness?"

I swallowed, though my throat was dry as dust. "Uh, sure?" I croaked.

A long pause as he gathered himself to speak. "First, we must change what you drink."

"What we drink?" This was not what I had expected.

"Yes, no more Old Speckled Hen. That is a beer for losers and Englishmen. From now on, only Black Label or Johhny Walker Black."

"All right" I said "Black Label it is. Are there any bars in particular where we should drink?"

"The Black Bull."

"Got it, Black Bull." I was making notes quickly, lest I forget these important directives.

"Next, music. From now on, game day music must be only Norwegian Black Metal, or Black Sabbath. The good shit, no Ronnie James Dio. Or AC/DC's Back in Black."

I was starting to see a pattern. "What about Frank Black?" I asked him.

A sharp intake of breath, and his brow seemed to furrow just slightly. "I will accept that. Frank Black. NOT Jack Black. He is a putz."

"Got it. Jack Black is a putz."

"Filllllm..." he said, drawing out the word like a piece of soft licorice. "Only film noir until the season ends. No comedies, no rom-coms, no movies with Tom Hanks. These are abominations and will cause weakness. I recommend The Killers as a good starting point, or The Maltese Falcon. These will serve you well in your quest."

"What about Men in Bla-" He cut me off mid-sentence.

"Yes, yes, Men in Black, of course." A dismissive wave of his hand, and I caught a brief flash of a silver ring set with what I could only assume was a huge Alaskan Black Diamond. "But only 1 and 3, not the second one. That one is scheisse."

"If you can follow the Path of Blackness faithfully, you may yet find your way back to glory. But if any one of the Aces strays..."

"I understand." I said. "I will bring your message to the team."

"See that you do." He reached out to push a black button in the back of the driver's seat in front of him, and the car instantly came to life and began to roll forward slowly.

"What about payment?" I asked. "We haven't spoken about that."

"Your victory will be my payment." he said.

"What if we fail?"

"Don't. You will not like what happens if you do."

The street lights streamed past dimly through the blacked out windows as we made our way back into the city. In time we came to a stop and my door was abruptly opened by a large black man in a chaufeur's uniform. Mr. Black said nothing as I got out. I was left in front of the Black Bull as the car pulled away into the night.

A Poem

B is for black, the colour of night
L is for lazy, which is never all right
A is for America, now kind of scary
C is for cola, like diet or cherry
K is for karma, so don't be a jerk
at home or at hockey or even at work.

A is for attitude, make sure yours is good
C is for Canada (it's got lots of wood)
E is for effort, which the Black Aces made
S is for skating, on ice, with sharp blades

F is for 4, the number of goals
that the Aces did score while defeating their foes
T is for 2, which the Warriors got,
which means now the Black Aces are back in top spot.

For a real poem, you should read David by the great Canadian poet Earl Birney.

Or something from either of the two hipsters above.

NewLine Industries call centre transcripts

I'm not a real person, and I've never driven a zamboni.

January 11, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? David Bowie has died in your timeline. I see. And were you close to Mr. Bowie sir? A big fan. But not a friend or related in any way? I’m sorry sir we cannot move you to a new timeline on that basis. No I’m sorry. Thank you sir, goodbye."

April 22, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? Prince has died in your timeline. I see, I’ve very sorry to hear that sir. And were you close to Mr. Prince sir? A big fan. But not a friend or related in any way? I’m sorry sir we cannot move you to a new timeline on that basis. No I’m sorry. Thank you sir, goodbye."

June 15, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? Your house has burned down in your timeline... and your wife has left you for the poolboy. Sorry, poolGIRL. I’m very sorry to hear that sir, but I’m afraid this set of unfortunate circumstances is not quite enough for you to qualify for a timeline change. No sir, I’m sorry. What am I wearing? I’m not wearing anything sir, I’m not a real person. I’m an artificial intelligence unit AI5000 designed to screen all requests for timeline changes. No sir, I have never driven a zamboni. I’m terminating this call now sir."

November 9, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? Donald Trump has become the president of the United States. Are you sure sir? My algorithms indicate that this an extremely low probability event. I see. Please hold.

[long pause]

All right sir, I have consulted with my human superiors and I’m afraid that although this turn of events scores high on the WTF scale, we cannot grant you a timeline change. You’ll just have to make the best of things. Goodbye sir."

November 10, 2016

"Newline Industries Inc, Geena speaking, how may I help you?

You’d like to move to a new timeline sir? Certainly sir, that’s why we’re here. Why do you want to leave your present timeline? The Black Aces lost a critical COTHL game last night? Anything else sir? They blew a chance to move into sole posession of first place. All right, that does sound serious. Anything else? They stood around for two and a half periods like pylons before getting their shit together? And now they are out of first place. I see. 3-2 to the Wyse Guys. Please hold.

[brief pause]

Congratulations sir, your timeline request change has been approved. A representative of Newline Industries will contact you within 24 hours. Have a nice day sir, and good luck in your new timeline."

Aces Shopping Network

Totally rigged.

TV host #1

Good afternoon, viewers, and welcome to the Aces Shopping Network! For the next 30 minutes we'll be featuring an exciting array of quality Aces merchandise that we just know you'll love and will want to have in your home!

TV Host #2
And to help us show off these wonderful items today, we are pleased to welcome as our very special guest the current Republican nominee for President of the United States of America, the very fabulous Mister Donald J Trump!

[audience goes wild, with shouts of "Trump! Trump! Trump!" A visibly drunk Donald lurches onto the set, his signature red tie askew and his signature 'hair' waving wildly in several directions. His skin is a lurid orange. ]

Donald J Trump
Thank you, thank you bigly. I deserved that warm welcome, believe me. I'm not sure I would have said 'fabulous' though, to be honest, because that's... well, [dangles wrist limply in front of him] a little gay, don't you think? I prefer "tremendous". Much more manly. Which is what I am, I can tell you that.

TVH1
Of course, Mr Trump, of course. But let's get down to business, shall we?

DJT
I'm all about business. Tremendous business acumen, as you know.

TVH2
Our first item is a unique and mildly disturbing device known as a 'cranially mounted personal vibrator' or 'forehead dildo'. It's made of rhino horn, ivory, and eagle feathers and each one is personally signed and tested by Aces centreman Rod P. Here you go Mr. Trump, just strap that on and look into the camera so our shoppers can get a good look at this beautiful item.

[Trump takes the FHD in his tiny hands and stares at it. His chin juts magnificently, although he appears puzzled.]

DJT
The fuck is this?

TVH2
Forehead dildo.

DJT
I thought that's what you said. Get this thing away from me, it's creeping me out. Looks like something Alec Baldwin might like.

[As the host takes back the device, Trump signals to someone off screen, points at the FHD and mouths 'I'll take five'. He holds up five tiny fingers and then gives a tiny thumbs up sign]

I'll take five

DJT
Next!

TVH1
Ok, our next exciting item on the Aces Shopping Network is a bottle of Aces Pinot Noir 2014 from Black Earth Estates here in the beautiful Niagara wine region of Ontario. [holds up a bottle] This delicious wine with its notes of blackberry, black cherry, black licorice and black pepper is a perfect complement to any meal, especially if that meal is a black angus beef burger or blackened sea bass.

[splashes some of the wine into a glass and hands it to Trump]

Have a taste of this, Mr Trump and tell me if you don't think it's the best wine you've ever -

DJT
I only drink champagne.

TVH1
Beg pardon?

DJT
Champagne. I only drink the finest champagne. I never drink wine. Wine is for losers. I'm a winner.

TVH1
But this is -

DJT
CHAMPAGNE!  NEXT!

TVH2
Thanks for staying with us, viewers, as we move on through our fine catalogue of top quality Aces-related products available here exclusively on the Aces Shopping Network. Next up is this stunning set of dinnerware illustrated with all the fine men who have donned the Aces jersey over the years, all 87 of them. Painted in the renaissance style and trimmed in 14 karat gold leaf, these exquisite pieces of original art are available in a limited run of 1,000 only, so don’t wait to order. Donald, this is real art, don’t you think?

DJT
Hold on, I see what’s happening  here. All this stuff is about the Aces and none of it is about Donald Trump! This show is rigged! I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole operation is being run by the Mexicans.

TVH1
We’re Canadian. This is a Canadian show.

DJT
EVEN WORSE! You Canadians and your snow and your moose and your terrible coffee, I’ve had enough. Forget the Mexican wall, I’m going to build one on the Canadian border and you and these Aces, whoever they are, can stay in Canada forever.

TVH2
That's all the time we have for today, folks, but don't forget, last game it was Aces 6, Wyse Guys 4 with goals from Ralph (two), Mark (two), Paul and Mike. See you next time!

Dear Scribe

Tell me all about it.

Dear Scribe,

My boss has been acting inappropriately lately at work, making lewd remarks about my appearance and rubbing up against me whenever I'm alone in the break room. I'm not comfortable with this kind of behaviour, but I need the job really badly and the other guys on the ship say I should just roll with it until he gets bored and moves on to the next new hire. What should I do? - Cabin Boy

Dear Cabin Boy,

Sounds to me like you should follow the game plan, give 110% and take things one shift at a time. If that doesn't work make sure you chip the puck out off the glass instead of dumping it up the middle. The Aces D corps uses this technique (mostly) and it works like a charm. Hope that helps.

Dear Scribe,

I'm having a hard time getting along with my wife's family. They hate the fact that their daughter married outside their religion (she's an Evangelical Christian from Alberta and I'm a Satanist from Agincourt) and are always on me about how i'm not good enough for her, and how I've turned her away from God and all things good and decent, and they especially can't stand that I play in a black metal band (Disciples of Hell) and follow a strict vegan diet (they are cattle ranchers). I want to stay with my wife but this stress is making it hard. Any advice on how I can win over her family? - Metal Minion

Dear Metal Minion,

That sounds like a difficult situation. I think the best approach here would be for you to dump the puck in and apply some serious forechecking pressure, forcing them to cough up the puck. Then all you have to do is get the puck to the net and bang it in. This tactic works great for the Aces, and it should work for you too. You're welcome.

Dear Scribe,

Last night was the 23rd time since 2010 that the aliens have come for me. They zapped me with their immobilizing ray while I was washing my car and beamed me up to their ship again and there was nothing I could do about it. At first I didn't mind the anal probing so much, but I am seriously getting tired of it now. Please help me, I'm begging you. - Probed Out

Dear Probed Out,

First of all let me just say that I'm sorry to hear about all the excess probing. Nobody likes that kind of treatment, but it does remind me just a little of how the Aces dominate their submissive rivals in the COTHL. I think your only course of action here is to tie up the neutral zone and wait for a break you can take advantage of. Once you get up by a goal you can switch to a 1-2-2 configuration and shut them down until the final buzzer. In other words, steal a page from the Aces' playoff book. I'm sure that will work for you.

Results from October 12: 

Aces 6, Battlers 3. This is coincidentally the same score as the last time these teams met, in the championship game last year.

Goals: Pete 3, Mark 2, Mike 1.

Real Locker Room Talk

Fine chaps, the Aces. Fine chaps indeed.

The locker room of a team preparing for battle in the COTHL is a sacred space, as we all know. No cameras are allowed, no reporters are permitted either before or after the game, and no transcripts of the private and strictly game-related conversations are ever released. Except for those published by your humble scribe under an exclusive licence with the Black Aces, that is.

Astute observers of this space over the years may have noticed that the occasional liberty is taken here with regards to publishing quotes with strict accuracy. I will admit to taking a certain artistic licence from time to time, but only in the service of a greater truth, I can assure you. To date I have not been sued by any Ace either current or former, so let's take that as a measure of the team's satisfaction with the journalism on display here.

This week, however, in order to give readers a unique inside look at what a hockey locker room is really like I would like to present a totally factual 'fly on the wall' style report from the inner sanctum of the COTHL's current champs, the Black Aces. It may eventually be turned into a Movie of the Week, hence the script format.

INTERIOR - ACES' LOCKER ROOM

Open hockey bags are strewn around, and the Aces players burst through the door in a post-game celebratory mood. 

Rich W

Great game, men. I found that a most satisfying athletic competition and I commend you all on your sportsmanship and fair play. 

Pete T (IN GOALIE EQUIPMENT)

Hear hear! I agree with Rich, and I would also like to thank every one of you for playing so skillfully in front of me tonight. Especially the defense corps. 

Joe H

Those chaps the Warriors were certainly good sports as well, I must say. Most unfortunate for them that they are almost completely lacking in talent or competitive spirit, but perhaps next time they'll fare better. 

Joe D (REACHES INTO THE TEAM COOLER AND PULLS OUT A FROSTY ROOT BEER)

Here's to the Warriors! A splending bunch of fellows indeed! 

Entire Team

To the Warriors! 

Paul M

Also, I am extremely happy to have rejoined the Aces after my hiatus. A finer group of gentlemen would be hard to imagine. Say, who was that attractive young lady driving the zamboni tonight?

Pete S

That's Zamboni Girl, Paul. She is our beloved Fan, and expert ice surface technician. 

Paul M

Well she is quite a beauty. In fact I think I would quite enjoy putting my hand directly onto her vagina whether she had requested it or not!

Ralph R

Hey! That is no way to behave towards a lady, sir, and certainly not towards a lady so fair as Zamboni Girl! I will stand for no more of this ungentlemanly chatter, and I'm sure if Rod were here he would be most disappointed in all of us.

Jeff M

He's right - just because she is of the fairer sex is no reason to treat her with disrespect. Even if she does have a lovely vag-

Aubrey S

Please sir, I beg you! No more of this rough and uncivilized banter! I fear I shall not be able to finish this delicious root beer if you persist in this line of crude talk. Vaginas indeed. I never.

Paul M

I'm terribly sorry, lads. Of course you are right and I had no business making such base remarks. I hope you will all accept my sincere apologies.

Mike K

Apology accepted, without reservation. Let's consider the matter closed.

FREEZE FRAME AS THE ACES HOIST FROSTY ROOT BEERS IN CELEBRATION

ROLL CREDITS:

FINAL SCORE: BLACK ACES 7, WARRIORS 1

GOALS:

JEFF, JOE D, JOE H, RICH, PAUL AND PETE S (2). 

SOLID GOALTENDING FROM PETE T. 

ICE SURFACING BY ZAMBONI GIRL

The Drive for Five is Alive

Four time COTHL champs the Black Aces kicked off their 2016-2017 campaign recently, and true to past years' form they iced only a taxi squad for the opening game. The lineup was made up of regulars and keeners John (in goal), Mark, Mike, Rod, Joe 2N, Joe Himalaya, Ralph, Pete, and Jeff. Rounding out the team was first-time callup from the summer league Steve C.

The rest of the Aces were otherwise engaged, and could not find their way to the venerable Phil White Arena for the drop of the puck. Various reasons were give for the no-shows, which I will attempt to parse here now.

Al: lost at sea.
Simon: detained by officials at the Quebec-Ontario border
Bruce: crushed by falling giant stone penis
Paul: forgot he was on the team again
Aubrey: eaten by bears
Rich: poutine poisoning
Pete T: In what surely must be the most elaborate and cryptic excuse for missing a game ever devised, Pete would only say he was tied up with a certain 'Rosetta'. Further investigation has determined that Rosetta is the European Space Agency probe sent to comet 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko, which ended its mission in spectacular style this past week by crashing into the comet. Video and photos of the final descent were, to say the least, surprising.

Here is the official ESA video of the operation:



Here are some frames from various points in the descent:

And here is the final shot sent back from Rosetta to the ESA just before touchdown:

Pete wins the 'what i did on my summer vacation' contest, hands down.

In other news, someone brought the beer. Oh, and the Aces fell 3-2 to the Wyse Guys. A slow start to the season but all part of the master plan in the Drive for Five.

Everything is fine.