Aces Shopping Network

Totally rigged.

TV host #1

Good afternoon, viewers, and welcome to the Aces Shopping Network! For the next 30 minutes we'll be featuring an exciting array of quality Aces merchandise that we just know you'll love and will want to have in your home!

TV Host #2
And to help us show off these wonderful items today, we are pleased to welcome as our very special guest the current Republican nominee for President of the United States of America, the very fabulous Mister Donald J Trump!

[audience goes wild, with shouts of "Trump! Trump! Trump!" A visibly drunk Donald lurches onto the set, his signature red tie askew and his signature 'hair' waving wildly in several directions. His skin is a lurid orange. ]

Donald J Trump
Thank you, thank you bigly. I deserved that warm welcome, believe me. I'm not sure I would have said 'fabulous' though, to be honest, because that's... well, [dangles wrist limply in front of him] a little gay, don't you think? I prefer "tremendous". Much more manly. Which is what I am, I can tell you that.

TVH1
Of course, Mr Trump, of course. But let's get down to business, shall we?

DJT
I'm all about business. Tremendous business acumen, as you know.

TVH2
Our first item is a unique and mildly disturbing device known as a 'cranially mounted personal vibrator' or 'forehead dildo'. It's made of rhino horn, ivory, and eagle feathers and each one is personally signed and tested by Aces centreman Rod P. Here you go Mr. Trump, just strap that on and look into the camera so our shoppers can get a good look at this beautiful item.

[Trump takes the FHD in his tiny hands and stares at it. His chin juts magnificently, although he appears puzzled.]

DJT
The fuck is this?

TVH2
Forehead dildo.

DJT
I thought that's what you said. Get this thing away from me, it's creeping me out. Looks like something Alec Baldwin might like.

[As the host takes back the device, Trump signals to someone off screen, points at the FHD and mouths 'I'll take five'. He holds up five tiny fingers and then gives a tiny thumbs up sign]

I'll take five

DJT
Next!

TVH1
Ok, our next exciting item on the Aces Shopping Network is a bottle of Aces Pinot Noir 2014 from Black Earth Estates here in the beautiful Niagara wine region of Ontario. [holds up a bottle] This delicious wine with its notes of blackberry, black cherry, black licorice and black pepper is a perfect complement to any meal, especially if that meal is a black angus beef burger or blackened sea bass.

[splashes some of the wine into a glass and hands it to Trump]

Have a taste of this, Mr Trump and tell me if you don't think it's the best wine you've ever -

DJT
I only drink champagne.

TVH1
Beg pardon?

DJT
Champagne. I only drink the finest champagne. I never drink wine. Wine is for losers. I'm a winner.

TVH1
But this is -

DJT
CHAMPAGNE!  NEXT!

TVH2
Thanks for staying with us, viewers, as we move on through our fine catalogue of top quality Aces-related products available here exclusively on the Aces Shopping Network. Next up is this stunning set of dinnerware illustrated with all the fine men who have donned the Aces jersey over the years, all 87 of them. Painted in the renaissance style and trimmed in 14 karat gold leaf, these exquisite pieces of original art are available in a limited run of 1,000 only, so don’t wait to order. Donald, this is real art, don’t you think?

DJT
Hold on, I see what’s happening  here. All this stuff is about the Aces and none of it is about Donald Trump! This show is rigged! I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole operation is being run by the Mexicans.

TVH1
We’re Canadian. This is a Canadian show.

DJT
EVEN WORSE! You Canadians and your snow and your moose and your terrible coffee, I’ve had enough. Forget the Mexican wall, I’m going to build one on the Canadian border and you and these Aces, whoever they are, can stay in Canada forever.

TVH2
That's all the time we have for today, folks, but don't forget, last game it was Aces 6, Wyse Guys 4 with goals from Ralph (two), Mark (two), Paul and Mike. See you next time!