Bear Like Me: A Forest Story

Once upon a time there was a bear. A Black Bear. In the warm summer months the Black Bear spent his time doing summer Black Bear things, like eating berries or fishing with his bear friends and having a generally good time in the forest.

All the other forest animals knew better than to fuck with the Black Bear because if they did, it would not go well for them. The Blue Jay stayed high in the trees and would not eat any berries from the Black Bear's favourite bushes. The Red Squirrel would scurry away and hide his nuts when he saw the Black Bear coming. And the White Rabbit would gather up all her White Rabbit babies and shoo them into her White Rabbit house (actually just a hole in the ground) when the Black Bear was in the neighbourhood.

The other forest animals all liked the winter, even though it was cold and snowy, because the Black Bear was nowhere to be found. They didn't know where he went and they didn't care. They were just glad he was gone.

One February day after many weeks of Black Bear-free living, the Red Squirrel was digging in the snow for old acorns and nuts to eat when he came across a large dark hole in the side of a hill. To his amazement the Black Bear was inside the hole, sleeping soundly. Red Squirrel pulled out his phone and texted his friend the Blue Jay: "Ur not going 2 believe this shit. I found Blk Bear. In a hole. Sleeping. Get over here now, yo. Peace."

In a few minutes the Blue Jay swooped down and landed beside the Red Squirrel.

"Damn. That's him alright. Call the White Rabbit. It's payback time."

For the next 2 weeks the Red Squirrel, the Blue Jay and the White Rabbit poked the sleeping Black Bear with sticks, threw acorns and snowballs at him, and drew obscene pictures on his fur with white bird poop. They took selfies while giving the Black Bear the finger. The Black Bear slept through it all, dreaming of skiing in the Rockies, surfing in Mexico, and bike-riding in Amsterdam.

One day the Blue Jay, the Red Squirrel and the White Rabbit were standing around the Black Bear trying to decide what they should do to him next. Suddenly the Black Bear woke up and ripped all their little heads off with one swipe of his powerful Black Bear paw.

The End.

The Slap Shot

May not be exactly as shown

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces staved off an official losing streak this past week, as they held tough against rivals the Warriors in a game that featured more than the usual amount of good-natured body contact. The game was close, in fact the score stayed 1-1 until Aces sniper Ralph bagged the winner with just over a minute to go in the third. Ralph's goal bookended the game nicely, as Mark opened the scoring very early in the first. In between those 2 markers, sometime defenseman and Popular Music Drummer Pete T held off the Warriors with some great play between the pipes.

The game was in doubt for a while - a controversial penalty call late in the third gave the Warriors a power play and a chance to go ahead. Only some excellent pk and some timely saves by Pete kept things tied at one.

In the spirit of public education and clarification of league rules, let's examine the definition of 'slap shot', a shot that is verboten in the COTHL.

Google the term and you get this:

slap shot

noun

ICE HOCKEY

1. a hard shot made by raising the stick about waist-high before striking the puck with a sharp slapping motion.

So, 'waist high'. Remember that.

Dictionary.com says:

slapshot  /ˈslæpˌʃɒt/  noun
1. (hockey:Ice) a hard, fast, often wild, shot executed with a powerful downward swing, and with the blade of the stick brushing firmly against the ice prior to striking the puck

True enough, but what about that backswing? What does Wikipedia say?

A slapshot (also spelled as slap shot) in ice hockey is the hardest shot one can perform. It has four stages which are executed in one fluid motion to make the puck fly into the net:

1. The player winds up his hockey stick to shoulder height or higher.
2. et cetera, et cetera.

ok, so a wind up to shoulder height or higher. Really? 

Hmm. Over to you,  Merriam-Webster.

slap shot

 noun

ice hockey : a shot that is made by swinging your stick with a lot of force

What they really mean is "we have no clue, we've never seen an ice hockey game, we are useless."

Moving on,  let's consult everyone's favourite, the Urban Dictionary...

... er, ok. Read it for yourself. Maybe NSFW, unless you work on a construction site or in the porn industry.

So a slap shot then is when you (a hockey player, hopefully) bring your stick back to waist/shoulder/head/ height or even higher, somehow, and then strike the puck with 'a lot of force' but not before 'brushing' the ice 'firmly'. This may or may not also include any number of acts we can't talk about in this blog involving alcohol, slapping with hands or other appendages, and (optional) bodily fluids.

Also, this is video is pretty cool.



But not as cool as this one:

(d*5) + (f*8) = WG7 / BA5

On a night when the Aces iced 5 defensemen, how is it that their COTHL rivals the Wyse Guys were still able to score 7 times? It’s all about balance, I suppose.

On that note, please enjoy this video of a Scottish man demonstrating what can be accomplished with a fine sense of balance.



The details:

Mike K nabbed 2 goals while Rod, Ralph and last minute sub Paul M each counted one. Nice to see Paul back on the ice after some off-season knee surgery. For rehab Paul rode the route you see in the video whilst pulling his trailer full of hockey equipment, which shortened his recovery time significantly. Perhaps something similar is in order for next year's training camp?

Joe can put together a team bike trek in the Himalayas, so just let him know when you can make it to Kathmandu for the start so he can make arrangements. No? Maybe some balancing of a different kind might be more the Aces speed:

Praise Braam!

The twin suns Kaarn and Kuurn were already setting into the red hills of Sraac when Duurishnok dismounted his Strider, hastily tying the 6-legged beast to a weathered hitching post outside the observatory’s main entrance. The temperature was dropping and the animal was tired and in need of water, but he would have to tend to it later.

“You are late” said Aashnoki in a calm voice, as Duurishnok half strode, half stumbled into the Reading Room. “Again.”

“I’m sorry Your Grace. The sand creatures of Vraal were hunting this eve, I had to take evasive action crossing the Null Region and lost some time.” Duurishnok’s breathing was already laboured, but he added a few extra huffs for effect. He slung his blue Draalskin bag off his shoulder and settled into his seat at the Holy Control Panel.

“I see.” said the older man, gazing - without seeing, for he was stone blind - out the observatory’s massive main window into the deep red of the darkening sky. The crescent shape of the giant moon Aamroth was just beginning to show, while across the dark part of its surface the orange pinpoints of hundreds of active volcanoes could be seen. Beautiful but deadly fireflies in the night sky, coming closer each day. The end, said the High Priests of Naang, was no more than 6 sun cycles away now.

Duurishnok could feel the disapproving glare of his fellow Readers as he waited for his monitor to warm up. It was cold in the observatory. It was cold everywhere now, since the planet’s normal weather systems had been ruined by the immense gravitational pull of Aamroth - no longer in its proper orbit, his home world was in the end stages of a fatal dance with its single moon. They were now too far from the life-giving heat and light of Kaarn and Kuurn. Even the sand creatures of Vraal would soon be dead, but at least they would be spared the terror of the day the moon crashed into their world.

The monitor blinked to life. Duurishnok pulled his visor down and focused on the screen.

He could feel the presence of Aashnoki behind him as he tapped out the letters of the Sacred URL and hit the large round “Enter” button with 3 of his 7 fingers.

Duurishnok had no idea what “aceshockeyclub.blogspot.ca” signified, nor the meaning of the messages being transmitted to them across the light years of spacetime. The blind monks however seemed to think them of great importance and would pay many dozens of triins to have Readers like Duurishnok access the messages from the distant planet Earth. That planet must surely be dead by now, thought Duurishnok, so long ago were the messages transmitted. Soon we will be joining them.

“Please confirm the previous results” said Aashnoki “We have determined that there is a high probability of error in the last transmission, possibly due to timeline contamination.”

“Wyse Guys eight....” Duurishnok squinted at the tiny screen.

“Yes? And?” There was a slight quiver in the old monk’s voice.

“Aces... zero. Shall I read the full entry, your grace?”

“No, that won’t be necessary. Thank you. Is there another entry after that?”

Duurishnok executed an intricate series of key presses on his 400-character keypad and the screen flickered and refreshed itself. “Yes, your grace. We have another entry. Praise Braam!”

“Praise Braam!” The words echoed around the reading room as the other Readers repeated the phrase and left their stations to crowd around Duurishnok and his screen.

“Please read the entry now.” The cold room fell silent but for the sound of the wind howling outside.

“Warriors... five.” The sound of a dozen men holding their breath.

“Aces... nine.” The sound of a dozen men exhaling at once. “Praise Braam!!” someone shouted, and the cry was taken up immediately by the others.

“Silence!” Aashnoki’s command was enough to halt the celebration. “Please, read out the names of the heroes.”

Duurishnok leaned into his screen and carefully checked its contents before speaking.

“Raad... 2 goals. Maark... 3 goals. Raalph... 3 goals.”

“Are you sure?” asked the blind monk “This is highly unusual. We have not heard this name in a great while.”

“Yes, your grace. There can be no mistake - Raalph, 3 goals.”

“Go on then, there should be one more.”

“Djoee Two-Names had one goal. Also, the one called Aaabry was again in the position of Keeper. A brave performance.”

“Thank you Reader Duurishnok. You have performed well. An extra 20 triins in your pay packet this week. I pray to Braam that we continue to receive such excellent news from the planet Earth. Praise Braam.”

“Praise Braam” mumbled the Readers, as the fires of Aamroth glowed in the night sky overhead.

Aces Win (just not in this timeline)

"I enjoy the non-linear nature of ice hockey as well as its utility in rendering quantum theory as a framework for ontically noncommittal causal inference."

Fans of this blog will also no doubt be fans of science (naturally) and will have heard of the “Many Worlds” theory of quantum physics. For the non-science fans and the forwards in the crowd, the MWT states that every time a random event occurs the universe splits into separate universes, or timelines, one each for each possible outcome of that event. For instance, if a certain hockey team lost a game, say, 8-0, there would also exist other timelines where that score did not happen - one for each possible outcome.

My personal take on this theory is that the total amount of positive and negative energy in each universe / timeline must balance. So a negative event is balanced out by a positive event. For example Doug Ford loses the Toronto mayoral election and local politics becomes boring again (a bad outcome) but then he runs for Ontario PC party leader and we get to laugh at him for a while longer (a good outcome). See how that works?

In this timeline, a certain hockey team did in fact lose 8-0 to a team with red sweaters. That was bad, I think we can all agree. On the other hand news out of West Africa is that the Ebola virus is now in retreat. Which pretty much evens the score.

What about those other timelines though? What happened in the alternate universes where the score was not 8-0? It just so happens that your scribe and blog host has some friends at the Perimeter Institute in Waterloo, who happen to be working on a sophisticated mathematical equation capable of determining specific events happening in alternate timelines. They kindly agreed to use the new equation to see what happened under all the alternate hockey scenarios from last week.

Here are the results. For those interested (looking at you, defensemen) there is an excellent seminar next tuesday that covers some of the theory involved. Let me know if you want to carpool to Waterloo.

If physics lectures are not your cup of tea, there's always this episode of "Community".

Timeline	Game Result	Balancing event
This one	WG 8, Aces 0	Ebola in retreat.
1	WG 7, Aces 1	Branson buys the Aces
2	WG 6, Aces 2	All the new sweaters fit
3	WG 5, Aces 3	Ferris returns his sweater
4	WG 4, Aces 4	Partly cloudy, high of 10 degrees.
5	WG 3, Aces 5	Warm post-game beer
6	WG 2, Aces 6	Don Cherry contract extension
7	WG 1, Aces 7	U2 double album mandatory listening
8	WG 0, Aces 8	Recount. Doug Ford wins.

Richard Branson to Buy Aces HC

In the wake of last week’s disastrous crash of Virgin Galactic’s Spaceship Two (now re-christened “Spaceship None”), Virgin founder Richard Branson has announced that he intends to purchase local hockey team the Black Aces.

We'll use this to fly beer into the Aces games.

In a post-crash news conference, Branson stunned assembled media and industry analysts by making the surprise announcement.

“This has nothing to do with friday’s crash” said a composed Branson, sipping an iced tea and riffling a stack of hundred dollar bills as he faced the cameras at Spaceport America (to be re-christened “Aceport America”), the launch facility for Virgin Galactic. “I’ve had my eye on the Aces for some time now. However the timing is fortuitous.”

Long time followers of this blog may recall an earlier attempt by Branson to purchase the team was thwarted by the Canadian government. It now seems that other events (*cough*ISIS*cough*) have pushed the Aces sale into the background and this time it's a go.

Branson says he intends to overhaul the Virgin Galactic spacecraft’s controversial propulsion system, currently based on nitrous oxide and much criticized by the aerospace industry for its alleged safety issues. “We’ll be powering the next generation spacecraft not with nitrous, but with something far more powerful: the incredible grit and testosterone-fuelled energy of the Black Aces. I believe this energy source will revolutionize the way we travel to space. Perhaps even change the course of human history.”

The Aces, explained Branson in a 45 slide Powerpoint presentation, were somehow generating an intense and sustained form of pure energy that he said could be harnessed to act as a propulsive fuel for Spaceship Three (to be re-christened “Aceship Three”).

“Did you see their latest game?” asked Branson to a puzzled group of reporters and officials. “They refused to lose. The Battlers tried to intimidate them into submission but it could not be done. The Aces turned on their mysterious power source and burned the Battlers in the final minute to take a 2-1 victory. It was a show of aggressive manliness the likes of which I have never witnessed anywhere else. I was a little turned on if you must know.”

Independent reports confirmed that the Aces did defeat a physical Battlers squad on goals by Rod and Pete, though Pete’s goal was in fact the result of a point shot from Aces blogger-in-chief Jeff bouncing off his (hockey) equipment. Some solid goaltending by this week’s guest netminder John (to be re-christened “Goalie”) aided the cause on the back end, as did new D recruit Pete (to be re-christened “D-Pete”).

The Aces' record now stands at 5-1.

Aces Hacked by Russian Cyber Criminals

Canadian security officials have revealed that local hockey team the Black Aces were recently the victims of a sophisticated cyber-attack, similar in nature to the many attacks on well-known multinational retailers in 2014, like Home Depot, Kmart and Staples. 

Hacker may not be exactly as shown

In the previous attacks, hackers were able to gain access to to sensitive customer information, including credit card numbers and other personal details. The Russian underground cyber criminals responsible for the Aces attack were no doubt counting on a similar payoff when they focused their evil algorithms on the Aces formidable hardened data centre, world-renowned for its impregnability. 

Your Intrepid Aces Reporter, through confidential sources, has managed to track down the chief black hat programmer responsible for crafting the deadly virus that was able to breach the Aces’ digital defenses. The following is an abridged transcript of a skype conversation held over secure channels in the days following the attack. The true identity of the hacker cannot be revealed, so in this transcript he is identified only as “Viktor.”

IAR: hello, Viktor, are you there? I only see a black screen. 

Viktor: Yes, I em here. I have black Harry Potter wizard hat covering camera. Is for protection. 

IAR: Yes, of course. What can you tell me about the operation against the Black Aces? 

Viktor: Well, was bit of embarrassment, actually. We are thinking such high secure data centre must containing valuable informations. So we attack. Was not easy to get through Aces’ defense, is everyone knowing that already. Very tough. But, with time and much computing power we are able to finally enter. 

IAR: And what sort of information did you find once you got past the Aces’ defenses? 

Viktor: Was... curious. List of backup goalies, scanned receipt from somewhere calling ‘Rodney’s Oyster House’, video of very bad very drunk old men play Rolling Stones with guitar and drum. Very shitty. My boss very mad.  

IAR:  So you found nothing of value at all? 

Viktor: Nyet. Is complete useless waste in time. As revenge, I decide to make game plan for Aces enemy, Warriors. Using plan are able to have victory over black hockey team, is certain. So they are losing 2 goals to 4 against Warriors. Fuck Aces, they are skating now like devochki. And fuck their shitty data also.  Oy, I must go - is boss coming. Do svidaniya.

There you have it, readers. The Aces go down 4-2 to the Warriors, but only because of some dirty espionage and hacking by evil Russian computer criminals. Goals by Mark and Joe D during a late game surge were not enough and the Aces record falls to 4-1.