Richard Branson to Buy Aces HC

In the wake of last week’s disastrous crash of Virgin Galactic’s Spaceship Two (now re-christened “Spaceship None”), Virgin founder Richard Branson has announced that he intends to purchase local hockey team the Black Aces.

We'll use this to fly beer into the Aces games.

In a post-crash news conference, Branson stunned assembled media and industry analysts by making the surprise announcement.

“This has nothing to do with friday’s crash” said a composed Branson, sipping an iced tea and riffling a stack of hundred dollar bills as he faced the cameras at Spaceport America (to be re-christened “Aceport America”), the launch facility for Virgin Galactic. “I’ve had my eye on the Aces for some time now. However the timing is fortuitous.”

Long time followers of this blog may recall an earlier attempt by Branson to purchase the team was thwarted by the Canadian government. It now seems that other events (*cough*ISIS*cough*) have pushed the Aces sale into the background and this time it's a go.

Branson says he intends to overhaul the Virgin Galactic spacecraft’s controversial propulsion system, currently based on nitrous oxide and much criticized by the aerospace industry for its alleged safety issues. “We’ll be powering the next generation spacecraft not with nitrous, but with something far more powerful: the incredible grit and testosterone-fuelled energy of the Black Aces. I believe this energy source will revolutionize the way we travel to space. Perhaps even change the course of human history.”

The Aces, explained Branson in a 45 slide Powerpoint presentation, were somehow generating an intense and sustained form of pure energy that he said could be harnessed to act as a propulsive fuel for Spaceship Three (to be re-christened “Aceship Three”).

“Did you see their latest game?” asked Branson to a puzzled group of reporters and officials. “They refused to lose. The Battlers tried to intimidate them into submission but it could not be done. The Aces turned on their mysterious power source and burned the Battlers in the final minute to take a 2-1 victory. It was a show of aggressive manliness the likes of which I have never witnessed anywhere else. I was a little turned on if you must know.”

Independent reports confirmed that the Aces did defeat a physical Battlers squad on goals by Rod and Pete, though Pete’s goal was in fact the result of a point shot from Aces blogger-in-chief Jeff bouncing off his (hockey) equipment. Some solid goaltending by this week’s guest netminder John (to be re-christened “Goalie”) aided the cause on the back end, as did new D recruit Pete (to be re-christened “D-Pete”).

The Aces' record now stands at 5-1.