Bear Like Me: A Forest Story

Once upon a time there was a bear. A Black Bear. In the warm summer months the Black Bear spent his time doing summer Black Bear things, like eating berries or fishing with his bear friends and having a generally good time in the forest.

All the other forest animals knew better than to fuck with the Black Bear because if they did, it would not go well for them. The Blue Jay stayed high in the trees and would not eat any berries from the Black Bear's favourite bushes. The Red Squirrel would scurry away and hide his nuts when he saw the Black Bear coming. And the White Rabbit would gather up all her White Rabbit babies and shoo them into her White Rabbit house (actually just a hole in the ground) when the Black Bear was in the neighbourhood.

The other forest animals all liked the winter, even though it was cold and snowy, because the Black Bear was nowhere to be found. They didn't know where he went and they didn't care. They were just glad he was gone.

One February day after many weeks of Black Bear-free living, the Red Squirrel was digging in the snow for old acorns and nuts to eat when he came across a large dark hole in the side of a hill. To his amazement the Black Bear was inside the hole, sleeping soundly. Red Squirrel pulled out his phone and texted his friend the Blue Jay: "Ur not going 2 believe this shit. I found Blk Bear. In a hole. Sleeping. Get over here now, yo. Peace."

In a few minutes the Blue Jay swooped down and landed beside the Red Squirrel.

"Damn. That's him alright. Call the White Rabbit. It's payback time."

For the next 2 weeks the Red Squirrel, the Blue Jay and the White Rabbit poked the sleeping Black Bear with sticks, threw acorns and snowballs at him, and drew obscene pictures on his fur with white bird poop. They took selfies while giving the Black Bear the finger. The Black Bear slept through it all, dreaming of skiing in the Rockies, surfing in Mexico, and bike-riding in Amsterdam.

One day the Blue Jay, the Red Squirrel and the White Rabbit were standing around the Black Bear trying to decide what they should do to him next. Suddenly the Black Bear woke up and ripped all their little heads off with one swipe of his powerful Black Bear paw.

The End.