Aces Apply Themselves

Are you kidding me?

With the team going through a bit of a rough patch lately, Black Aces executives and past administrators have been trying to find a new home for the team. No luck yet, but here are the replies to a few of the recent attempts that were made to find a way to get some Ws under the team belt and get everyone’s mojo back.

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Men’s Over 70 division of the Central Toronto Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on age requirements. No one under the age of 70 is permitted in this division.

We thank you for your kind offer of “20 minutes alone with Zamboni Girl or a player of your choice” but frankly this is making us just a little uncomfortable. We are going to have to decline at this time. 

Perhaps when your players have all attained the required minimum age we can revisit your application.

Best regards,

Jack McDonald

CTOHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Ok, so that one didn't go so well. Here's another:

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Over 40 division of the Central Toronto Women’s Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on gender requirements. No one who is not actually a woman is permitted in this division and I’m afraid a team of all men does not qualify no matter how some of them may ‘identify’. Your offer to fill out the team with “a couple of broads” is something I would prefer not to comment on at this time.

Best of luck finding a home for your hockey club. Please do not contact us again.

Jane Manly

CTWHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Jeez, women. Amirite? Next: 

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Minor Atom division of the East York Minor Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having I’m afraid there must have been a mixup, since as you may be aware the EYMHA does not have an adult division. The Minor Atom division is actually for 13 year old players, not players with 13 year old equipment as stated in your application.

Perhaps some of your team may have children or even grandchildren that would be the appropriate age? 

Thanks again and all the best. 

Hugo Dirtwhirler

EYMHA President and COO

Ouch. Ok, let's see another one.

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Senior division of the Canadian National Institute for the Blind Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on vision requirements. No player may have more than 10% vision, and if I understand your application correctly then the Aces do not qualify no matter how poorly they are ‘seeing the ice’ this year.

Good luck. It sounds like you need some.

Dorothy Diggler for

Richard Richardson,CEO CNIBHA

Could have seen that one coming, to be honest. Ok, last one:

Dear Sirs, 

Merry Christmas! And thank you for writing to Santa! Normally Santa gets all kinds of letters from boys and girls around the world asking for presents, so Santa was a bit surprised to find an application to enter the 250th annual Elfs Invitational Hockey Tournament from the Black Aces. 

Your application was very interesting, and even though Santa doesn’t like to see any boys or girls not having a good season, the Elfs tourney does have some strict rules about, you know, being an elf. Do you have any elves on your hockey team? I didn’t think so.

Santa is a very busy man, especially at this time of year. Maybe the next time you think about writing with a crazy idea like entering your hockey team into an ‘elves only’ tournament you’ll think twice before going through with it.

Enjoy your lump of coal this Christmas.

Santa F. Claus

King of the North Pole

I think the lesson here is 'do not fuck with Santa'. 

Looks like we are stuck in the COTHL for the time being, Aces. Let's make sure we get off to a great start in 2019. 

The cup belongs to US.

Aces Continue Domination of Bottom Half of COTHL

Like the Tallest Mountain in Florida, the Black Aces continue to dominate the bottom half of the COTHL in 2018.

Still finding momentum from their thrilling second place finish in last season's playoffs, the now Aubrey and Rich -less Aces have settled into a mid-season groove. Middle of the year, middle of the pack. That's just how these middle-aged blackshirts roll.

"Sure Blue and Red have made some acquisitions and gotten younger and faster" said Aces Victrola Repair Man Pete D "but eventually they'll be just as old as we are, and then we'll see who's best." Team mathematician Pete S was not available for comment.

"As long as the Warriors continue to self-destruct, we'll be fine." added team 8-Track Stereo Technician and defender Mike M "and that's not all that bad."

Not all the Aces are so happy with the situation, however. As a final contribution to the team before heading off to his new life of skiing and beach lounging, Rich W engaged a professional HR specialist to recruit some new legs for the team. "Results haven't been as good as I expected so far" said Rich after the Aces' recent 5-0 victory over (who else) the Warriors. "The company is called BroLine and their ad promised me I could find some studs, but none of the guys they've sent me so far can even skate and none of them were wearing shirts for their interview. Weird. I think I found someone though - maybe not so good in the room but great on the ice."

Almost made the team. Wrong sport.

Poor language skills. Nope.

Too 2-dimensional. Next.

We're talking with his agent as we speak.

Aces D Man Called Up by the Leafs

Who is that guy up in the greens?

In their most recent COTHL outing, the Black Aces were without long-time D Man and scribe Jeff M as he was busy attempting to crack the lineup of the Toronto Maple Leafs. A detailed account of the attempt in the form of diary entries and texts sent to the Leafs staff is herewith provided for your edification and amusement.

* * *

6:45pm – met with friend and Leaf fan Maurice G at C’est What for carb-loading and pre-hydration. Changed into full equipment in the men’s room before heading out for the Scotiabank Arena.

7:25pm – got into a scuffle with rink security as they would not let me bring in my sticks. After a heated discussion and threats of violence they agreed to place my sticks on the Leaf bench for later. I’m not sure they believed that I had a legit tryout with the team, to be honest.

7:30pm – Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Yo, Mike! Jeff here, I’m ready to rock. Pre-game warmup completed. I’m in section 323, so if you need me to take a shift I need about 8 minutes lead time to get down to the bench. Say hi to Austin for me.

7:32pm Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Hola Mike - just a reminder that you haven’t signed Willie Nylander yet and I’m asking for a lot less than he is. For the first year anway. Go Leafs!

1st period

16:23 – Austin Matthews sets up John Tavares. 1-0 Leafs. That didn't take long.

Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Hi Mike! Sweet setup by AM on that one. Nice finish by JT but I bet I could have put that one in too. Just sayin’. Still ready to go when you need me. Got the helmet on and everything. GO LEAFS GO!!

7:50pm – beer sure is expensive here at the Scotiabank Arena. Also, it’s pretty tough to drink through my cage, I’ve spilled about half of the 2 beers I’ve had so far. I better pick up the pace, I could get the call from the coach at any minute.

12:22 – San Jose ties it up. Leafs D look pretty weak, tbh.

Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Babs, WTF? Who taught Hainsey how to block a shot? Even I know you don’t turn your back on the shooter like that. I think maybe he needs to sit a shift or two, know what I mean? #totallyreadytoplay

16.3 seconds left in the first period – Amazing goal, Mitch breaks a stick and grabs one off the bench on the fly, rejoins the rush and sets up JT for his second. 2-1 Leafs. I’m way into my fourth brewski. This game is costing me a fortune but it will be worth it when I sign a sweet deal with the team.

Text to Mike Babcock, Leaf coach:

Hey Babcock, I’m pretty sure Marner grabbed one of MY STICKS off the bench to set up that goal. That's an assist. I’d better see my name on the game sheet, pal. #stillreadytoplay

2nd Period

18:07 Patrick Marleau roofs one to put the Leafs up 4-1. Mike Babcock has started blocking my texts. I’ll have to switch to Twitter and just @ him from now on.

I wonder how the Aces are doing.

15:42 – San Jose make it 4-2. Again with that Hainsey character.

Tweet - @mdbabs HEY BABCOCK WHY YOU PLAYING THAT BUM HAINSEY? I’M RIGHT HERE, MAN. SECITON 323 FFS. #PUTMEINCOACH #GOLEAFSGO #RONHAINSEYISADOUCHE

Reply from @mdbabs:

Dude I am NOT the Leafs coach. It says so right on my profile, ffs. Stop tweeting at me.

3rd Period

9:02 – Austin Matthews again. Damn that guy is good. 5-2 Leafs.

Tweet – hey @mdbabs, why are you avoiding me? I can see you from here in section 323 ya know. It would be so easy to throw this beer right at your big fat leafs coach head!!!!! #GOSHARKSGO

Hey the Sharks bag one. 5-3 Leafs now.

Tweet – HA HA LEAFS. Sharks are gonna come back and WIN because @mdbabs is a big poopyhead and Hainsey SUCKS and if I was on the ice it was gon be sljkoirn covfefe bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

Long Time Aces Player Retires to Spend More Time With Family

Beloved long-time Aces veteran Rich W. has announced his retirement from the team. Citing a desire to 'spend more time with family', Rich has decided to hang up the blades for now.

"I loved playing for this team" he said via phone link from the family compound in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. "But family comes first."

Family massage therapist Maria del Felacion insisted that the big man's presence was needed at the compound. "We have to practice our technique on a regular basis, or we risk to lose our massaging license. Senor Ricardo - I mean Uncle Rich - has graciously agreed to help us."

Gracias Senor Ricardo!

Family bartender Selma Gonsolvez was also full of praise for the Canadian hockey legend. "At great cost to himself has Senor Ricardo - I mean Uncle Rich - given his time and personal expertise to us here at Saloon Cabo. Without his expert advice our drink mixing skills would soon desert us and we would have to join the caravan to America."

Important research is being done

Family golf pro Eliza Golfista told your scribe that Rich's assistance on the links was of vital importance to the continued operation of Club Campestre, the family-owned course in Cabo. "It is of great importance for us to have the input and wise advice of a man such as Senor Ricardo - sorry, Uncle Rich" - said Golfista. "We rely on his experience tremendously. He is so unselfish, sometimes he even plays 36 holes in a single day just to be sure that the course is perfect. He is truly a great man."

Uncle Rich is muy importante

The Aces are already missing Senor Ricardo, although maybe not that much since they spanked the Warriors again in their most recent game by a score of 4 or possibly 5 to nothing. Goals courtesy of Pete S, Al, Martin and 3 Pete.

This is definitely the end of an era, however, and Vegas oddsmakers are already revising their lines on the Aces' playoff success, citing a projected lack of game-day chalk-talking to fire up the troops and remind them of their assignments.

Aces Forward Joins Migrant Caravan, Misses Game

The sky man he will fly us to America

As local hockey team the Black Aces continue to struggle in the 2018-2019 season, at least one Ace has an excuse for not showing up at the team's most recent game.

Aces' kite surfing enthusiast Joe P. was reportedly seen inside the migrant caravan now making its way from Honduras to the US border.

"I caught a pretty big wave and then a really big wind gust." said Joe, via satellite phone. Mr. P. was at a kite surfing competion in Baja Mexico last week when he was unexpectedly transported 2,000 kilometers to the southern border with Guatemala. "I've been blown ashore many times in the past, but this is ridiculous" reported Joe as he hoisted his kite onto a donkey cart driven by Hector Gonsolvez of La Ceiba Honduras. "We worship the sky man as our god now" mumbled Hector, in surprising good English. "He will help us to fly to America, and maybe to Canada to see these Black Aces."

Side note: Aces fans may remember that time the team were featured on Mexican cable television back in 2013.

Ironically, Joe was within meters of winning the kite surfing competition but was disqualified for exiting the official competition zone. "He looked fantastic, but those are the rules." reported Mexican surf judge Hector Gonsolvez of Playa Encanto. "Close, but no cigarillo, amigo."

The Aces too came close in their most recent game, falling 5-2 to the Battlers in what was actually a good performance from the team. An empty net goal and a couple of weird bounces put the game out of reach in spite of a solid game from just about everyone in a black sweater.

The Aces were missing a 2 Petes, 2 Joes (see above) and a Simon for this game.

As the saying goes, close but no cigarillo.

Later, amigos.

Aces make the most of additional bench space

Bench strength comes in many forms

In their most recent COTHL contest, local hockey team the Black Aces came up a little short in the personnel count but managed to make creative use of the additional space on the bench.

Normally packed with black-shirted manly men, the team bench this week had ample room for the players to really push the envelope on space utilization in an urban sporting context.

• Scribe Jeff M, in honour of the absent winger and cycling addict Paul M, managed to build an entire separated bike lane running the length of the bench. In true Toronto fashion the lane ended abruptly, forcing players and cyclists to merge suddenly and unsafely with on-ice traffic.
• Al H found a nice corner over by the sticks to winterize his sailboat and break in a new cabin boy.
• Ralph R set up an Octoberfest-themed beer hall, complete with Teutonic wenches in push-up bras serving plates of schnitzel and giant mugs of German lagers. Well done Ralph.
• Between shifts, Pete T conducted a drum clinic for inner city youth. On a related note, if anyone has seen Pete's rare Ludwig snare drum please contact him immediately.
• Call-up Mike organized a pot luck get together for the team, in order to introduce himself to his teammates. The guacamole was a huge hit, according to my sources.
• Rod P was unable to attend, but did send a strip-a-gram for the lads. Dawn Cherry performed a 45 minute burlesque / kabuki piece re-enacting the tragic Japanese Fukushima earthquake of 2011 until she was interrupted by a drunk (and possibly stoned) Zamboni Girl. Wearing a Mexican wrestling costume with “el Zambo” embroidered on the chest, ZG stormed the bench and wrestled Miss Cherry to the ground before the refs were called in to intervene. Each gal got a 4 minute penalty for slew-footing and a 10 minute lecture from Donny on the history of tripping infractions.
• Pete D (aka 3Pete) was somehow able to run a poker game in his area of the bench, taking a nice sum of $458 from 3 Wyse Guys players. Pete has kindly offered to donate the proceeds to the Aces Benevolent Fund. Thanks, Pete.

Aces players are reminded to submit their Bench Activity Request Forms no later than 48 hours before next week’s game.

Final score in this contest was 5-1 Red, due mainly to the SHORT BENCH. AHEM.

Aces Honour Former Leader With Victory, Hat-Trick, Pete-Trick

Someone has a new right hand man...

This year, your favourite ice hockey club had to bid farewell to founder and long-time spiritual mentor and inspiration Aubrey S. No longer an active player, Aubrey is now watching over the team from afar and this is apparently having a positive effect.

In their most recent outing the Aces put together a solid team effort, dominating the Warriors in all departments and skating away with a 9-3 victory.

Team Kite Surfing Specialist Joe P has decided to compress his entire year's goal quota into 2 games, as he is scheduled to fly to Mexico next week. A 3 goal outburst this week gets added to a single from last week as Joe shows who has the hot hand on the team so far this year.

"I did it all for Aubrey" said Joe after the game, fighting back his emotions. "He has been an inspiration to me throughout my Aces career. God bless that man."

Team Snake Wrangler Ralph R also bagged a pair to add to Joe's hat trick, and also attributed his outstanding performance to his former teammate. "Every time I get near the net now, I see Aubrey's face and I just fire the puck as hard as I can." noted Ralph, definitely not drinking a beer in the dressing room after the game. "It's like some kind of miracle."

In another possibly miraculous turn of events, all three Petes (Pete S, Pete T and newcomer Pete D, or '3Pete') also scored goals this night in what shall henceforth be referred to as a "Pete-Trick".

"I felt Aubrey's hands on my stick tonight" said team Exobiologist Pete S "And I mean that in a totally platonic, sports-related way. Then, once he let go, I scored a goal. I don't know how else to explain it."

Defenceman and team rhythmic gymnast Pete T also apparently had some kind of supernatural experience, saying afterwards that he could "feel a divine presence on the ice" with him as he inexplicably found himself in front of the Warriors' net, far from his actual position on the blue line. "I closed my eyes and thought of Aub, and the puck went in. Praise be to Aub."

When asked about his contribution to the Pete-Trick, 3Pete confirmed the other Petes' reports of some kind of holy event. "Being a strict empiricist in the classical sense and big fan of David Hume, I've never been much of a believer in 'unexplained' phenomena... until now. I felt a sense of destiny as I got close to the net like I've never felt before, as if a greater power were directing me. My life has purpose now. All hail the mighty Aub."

For those wishing to take part, there will be a short prayer service and animal sacrifice in the dressing room before the Aces' next game. Apostates and Aub-less Heathens stay away lest ye be smote unto dust by his holiness. Amen.

Aces Off to a Great Start

These Aces fans are confident

In the days and hours leading up to the start of the 2018-19 COTHL season, it is already obvious that the Black Aces are on the verge of greatness. Even though the first puck has yet to be dropped, Aces players and their followers are full of confidence.

"Last year was a disappointment, sure" said Aces' former spiritual advisor and recent retiree Aubrey S "But I'm confident that after an off-season dedicated to intense training and focus on improvement the Aces will be back on top this year."

Aces new CEO and goaltender John Goalie was similarly positive about the upcoming season. "I haven't done a single thing to prepare for another hockey season, but I'm sure the other guys have been hard at work over the summer so I'm not worried. I'm looking forward to seeing how their renewed commitment to fitness is going to pay off."

Not all Aces could be reached for comment this early in the pre-season, but Aces scribe and sometime defender Jeff M did release the following statement prior to Game 1, which he is unable to attend:

"Even though I myself have done absolutely nothing to get ready for hockey this year, I'm sure my teammates are well-prepared and that they did not spend the summer as I did, playing no hockey and instead focusing on craft beer tasting, lounging and restaurant-hopping. Right guys?"

At press time the Aces were sporting an impressive perfect record of zero losses against zero wins and zero ties. A planned 2-day training camp that did not happen as planned will now be replaced by 10 minutes of hand-shaking and bro jokes in the dressing room immediately before game 1. What can possibly go wrong?

5 Out of 6 Ain’t Bad

Reactions to the Black Aces stunning loss in the finals of the COTHL last week continue to pour in. What was once thought to be a sure thing, then a long-shot, then a distinct possibility, turned out in the end to be only a close call.

In their 6th consecutive appearance in the Final Two, the Aces were attempting to achieve an unprecedented 6th consecutive league title. For a review of just what an achievement even 5 straight is, please re-read last year’s game report after Win #5. The Aces are in pretty rare company.

But reactions. A sampling of the shock, horror, and sheer garment-rending angst that the Aces’ 1-0 loss to league rivals and second-rate jersey-wearers the Battlers is presented here for your enjoyment.

Preciousssss!!

Gollum, aka Smeagol. A wretched creature of Middle Earth:

Filthy Battlerses have stolen the Precious! They uses tricksy magicks to take the lovely yellow metal cup from the Aces! Nassty stripeshirt orcses and their wicked calls helped the Battlerses, yes they did! But Smeagol will helps Aces get the Precious back, oh yesssss we will.

Ya may as well laugh.

Reg McDonald, a guy in Tim Horton’s

Holy shit, I had a hundred on these guys on the Proline at 8:1 against, eh? What am I going to do now? I owe Pete down at the garage buck fiddy for a nice chunk a hash he fronted me, and now I have to pay back Cash Money payday loans too. I'm screwed.

Die Les, Die.

Stephen Hawking’s Cryogenically Frozen Head

This Is The Most Extraordinary Day In. The History Of The Universe.
My Calculations Indicated A Win For. The Aces. I Cannot Explain It.
I Am Blaming Les.

Folks.

Doug Ford, a wretched creature of Middle Etobicoke.

Folks, this is the biggest scam since Kathleen Wynn took all the schoolkids’ lunch money and used it to pay for sex ed lessons and we’re not going to stand for it. It’s time the Aces took back the COTHL from the elites and folks are fed up, folks. We’re going to make the Aces great again. Folks.

I'm putting on my smitin' shoes

God Himself

My condolences to the Aces and their many fan. As you may know, The Aces are My Team - I’ve been watching over them lo these past 5 years and the results speak for themselves. This year I decided to push them a little, you know, to test their faith in Me, by having them lose all those games in the regular season. But they came through with the thoughts and prayers so I made sure they got to the finals again. But then I, uh, I looked away for just a few minutes to update my Facebook settings and next thing I know the game is over and some other team are the champs. I may have to smite them.

Don't forget, Aces, training camp is in June. Start training!

Local Eatery Creates New Selection of Aces-Themed Pizzas

Fucking Delicious Pizzas

Local eatery and long-time Black Aces post-game hangout Ferro has announced a new lineup of specially created pizzas in honour of the Aces’ recent stunning victory in the 2017-18 COTHL semifinals.

The Aces came into the game as definite underdogs, up against the first place Wyse Guys, a strong team whom they had not defeated all year. Smart money was on red. Smart money lost.

Aces Playbook

The Aces came out swinging, jumping out to a 1-0 lead on a nice tally from Paul M. Red tied it up not long after and the teams battled it out until Black took the lead on an in-close goal from Pete S. That was enough to make the difference and the Aces took away the surprise 2-1 win. The keys to success? Intense forechecking, disciplined positional play, tough D and timely goaltending. Right out of the ancient Aces playbook that somehow surfaces every year at playoff time.

But back to the pizzas.

Your humble scribe secured an off-the-record interview with Ferro’s chief pizza architect Gianni Dellatortarotonda. Here’s what will be appearing on the menu very soon:

The Ritardatario (The Latecomer)

This basic pie comes with with a thick layer of unevenly spread sauce and random toppings from the back of the refrigerator. You never know what you’ll get. The final ingredient is brought to your table 10 minutes after the pizza is first served.
Wine pairing: Nadal 1510 Late Harvest

The Quelli Vecchi (The Old Ones)

This unique pie is served on aged crust made from vintage Red Fife wheat from the 1950s. Ingredients are selected exclusively from heirloom vegetables, pepperoni that was cured for Expo 67 but never sold, and 100 year old asiago cheese.
Wine pairing: Smoking Loon Old Vine Zinfandel.

The Vittoria Nera (The Black Victory)

A heavy pie suitable only for strong appetites, the Vittoria Nera crust is made from sourdough mixed with black beer and charcoal. Toppings: black olives, black pepper, black-eyed peas, Black Forest ham, blackberries, black pudding and blackened cod.
Wine pairing: Folonari Pinot Noir.

The Bella Macchina (the Beautiful Machine)

This beautiful and perfectly circular pie is perfectly balanced in all aspects. Carefully selected toppings are placed in equal amounts evenly spaced around the surface of the pie: 1.026mm of 10w40 "sauce", 25g each of iron filings, titanium wafers, and hard steel balls. Chew carefully, and order soon before the U.S. slaps a tariff on it.
Wine pairing: Nickel & Nickel Branding Iron Cabernet Sauvignon 2014

Aces players have a week to savour their victory and prepare for their final match against the Battlers, who reportedly edged the Warriors in extra time.

Will the Aces Bring It

Zamboni/Barista Girl shows how you bring it.

Long time patrons of local favourite hangout the Aces Cafe are reportedly perplexed by the service lately, say sources.

“For the last 5 years the service has been great.” said longtime customer Guy Mann-Dude. “I order a cup of black black coffee, and the Aces bring it. No problem. They always bring it.”

Lately though, Mann-Dude and other customers have been complaining.

“Since, I dunno, September i wanna say? The service has been off.” said loyal client Paisley Summerseve “They just haven’t been bringing it. Sometimes though, I order? And then like weeks go by? And I think maybe they’re not going to bring it? And then they bring it. It’s like so random.”

Aces’ management would not consent to an official interview on the matter, and would only say that from this point forward the Aces “Will be bringing it. It’s our time of the year, and Bringing It is definitely what we’ll be doing.”

In hockey news, the Aces brought it in their final season game, bringing it right to the Warriors 4-3 with the help of fill-in netminder (Roger? Randy? Andrew?).

The blackshirts have another opportunity to bring it this week against Red. Let’s hope they can bring it right to the finals.

Aces Execute Dangerous Slingshot Maneuvre in Bid for Sixth COTHL Title

In 1997 the Aces were a struggling bunch of young upstarts trying to find their way in an oldtimers’ hockey league that had been around more than 20 years already.

That same year, NASA launched its Cassini-Huygens probe to Saturn, some 1.2 Billion kilometers from earth. To get there, it would need to execute a ‘slingshot’ maneuvre around Venus (twice), the Earth and finally Jupiter. Skimming perilously close to each of these planets, the probe would use their gravitational fields to increase its speed in order to reach Saturn by 2010.

In 2017 the Cassini mission came to a spectacular end, with the little probe hurtling into Saturns atmosphere and burning up as it transmitted its last data back to earth.

In 2017 the Black Aces embarked on a mission of their own, as they began their attempt to capture an unprecedented 6th straight league title. In order to succeed, Aces engineers decided to execute their own slingshot maneuvre, using the black hole of Last Place to provide the gravity assist needed to propel the aging team into the finals once more.

As the team fell through the standings throughout the season, what looked to their opponents like failure was really just the Aces gathering momentum. With 2 games left in the season a software glitch sent them off course with 7-4 win over the Battlers, but they were thankfully able to course correct in their latest game, a 5-3 loss to the first place Wyse Guys. This “loss” enabled them to regain their lost momentum and unless something unforeseen happens in the final game of the regular season, the Aces should have all the momentum they need as they swing around the COTHL basement singularity and head for the playoffs.

Aces’ Chief Astrophysicist Pete S summed up the mission by saying “It’s a bunch of really big numbers, like math and shit. You probably wouldn’t understand.”

Like space stuff? Check out the Cassini site at NASA.  Image credit: NASA JPL from their collection of cool retro mission posters.

Aces Re-Enter Race for COTHL Title

Aces are coming, hockey суки

In a surprising move that pundits are still shaking their heads over, local hockey team the Black Aces have announced that they are re-entering the race for the COTHL overall title.

The team had previously, though unofficially, made it clear through their recent play that they had no intentions of contesting for the trophy this year after their unprecedented 5 year run. Although no official announcement was ever made, the Aces lack of offense, defense, consistency or work ethic sent a pretty clear signal to the rest of the league that the top spot was up for grabs.

Not any more.

Facing off against league rivals the Battlers, the Aces gave no indication that this game would be much different than so many that had been played this season. And yet by the final whistle the Battlers and  anyone else who had inadvertantly been watching the game would know: the Black Aces were back.

Final Score: Aces 7, Battlers 4. 2 goals each from Paul and Martin with singles from Bruce, Mike and Ralph. Solid D and goalkeeping. Crisp passing. Witty bench banter. This game was all Aces.

The Aces new Russian communications advisor spoke to your scribe after the game.

"All reporting of team playing bad to get draft pick is fake news." said Ilya Blogorski, dressed stylishly in a full length fur coat and mucklucks. "Plus, there was not any inconvenient touching of enemy players as reporting on CNN. This is lies.

"Plus also, all Aces comrades are fully clean from most of drugs, I am telling to you now.

"Also in addition, Aces are changing name to 'OAR': Old Aces Rejuvenated. This is I think good news, and will result in final victory of Old Time League of Cedarvale."

Aces defender and Advanced Analytics Specialist Al H said after the game that there is "a very high probaility" that the team would make the playoffs again this year in spite of their overall lacklustre performance.

Convalescing forward and team Workplace Gender Equality Officer Rod P released a special audio statement to the press the day following the win.

"The Aces are entering the playoffs from behind, but we are confident that we will come first. Our playoff run will be like a donkey punch to every other team in the league. I and all other Aces sidelined by injury, age or professional commitments fully support our on-ice brothers."

Battlers Allege Inappropriate Touching

"It was his stick"

After their most recent game against COTHL rivals the Black Aces, the Bloor Street Battlers are contending that several of their players were touched in an aggressive and wholly inappropriate manner by Aces defenseman James D. These instances, the Battlers allege, happened over a period of several games but came to a head in the 3rd period of their 1-1 tie on January 24.

"I went into the corner in the Aces end, and all of a sudden I felt something hard between my legs... it was his stick..." said a visibly distraught Battlers winger (names are being withheld to protect identities). "I was so angry, but I couldn't say anything because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Les wasn't watching the play, and it all happened so fast."

Other Battlers are also alleging similar incidents in past games. "It's always him, always the same guy" sobbed another Battlers forward "It feels good to finally get this out in the open. He's so mean!"

Rumours about James' play have apparently been circulating for years, but until now no one has come forward with any specific allegations. Even the Aces themselves may have been aware but did nothing about it, choosing instead to defend their teammate.

"Sure he plays a little rough sometimes, but that's just James" said teammate Pete T. "And besides, those Battlers were asking for it. They knew what they were getting into."

"I have no idea what those guys are talking about" said James after the game. "My intentions are always honourable, but if my opponents have somehow misinterpreted my actions then I'm sorry for that."

The Aces continue to show signs of improvement, though their chances at another President's Cup have long since evaporated. A solid game in the nets by veteran John M and some good positional play by everyone else kept the blackshirts competitive for 3 periods. A nice play between Rich W and Bruce H for the Aces' lone goal proved once again that the older generation can still get it up.

Aces Reconfigure

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces seem to have found the key to success in their most recent contest, defeating a frustrated Warriors squad 4-1 in what fans (departing COTHL early-gamers and someone known only as Zamboni Boy) later described as ‘a hockey game’.

How did the Aces pull off a win? They reconfigured. Team Strategist and Evil Mastermind Rich W had the Blackshirts playing a 1-2-2 configuration all game. For the ignorant, a 1-2-2 means one guy on the forecheck, then 2 guys a little farther out waiting to cut off an outlet pass, backed up by 2 more guys in behind. It worked a treat, as the Warriors were unable to get anything going. 

Past Aces configurations were less successful so it’s good news that the team has finally figured things out. Some of the Aces’ previous less successful alignments: 

The 5-0-0

All players rush the offensive zone, allowing the opposing team to lift a pass over everyone’s heads, usually leading to a 3 on 0 breakaway.

The 3-2-0 

All forwards converge behind the enemy net to discuss ski conditions and post-game beer selection. This usually leads to a 3 on 2 for the opposing team.

The 2-2-2

Too many men on the ice. Immediately followed by the 2-2-0. 

The 1-3-1

A terrible line change. 

The 4-20

All players are way too high to be effective, with predictable results. 

The 8675309

Zamboni Girl’s phone number, it’s rumoured. Nothing to do with hockey at all.

The 6.0221415 × 10^23

Overly complicated lineup devised by Amadeo Avagadro, the Aces first coach back in 1838. Back then the team was known as the Black Moles, and didn’t win a game all year.

The 3.14159

All players skate in circles. Popular but not too effective.

Let’s hope the team can configure some more wins this year. 

Goal scorers:  2 for Pete S, one each for Al and sometime D-man Joe 2N. 

Justin Trudeau Cancels Appearance with Black Aces

Sorry guys, I just can't do it

In a last-minute decision, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that he was cancelling a scheduled appearance with local hockey team the Black Aces this week. The announcement came on the heels of another loss by the squad (4-1 to the wyse guys this time), although Trudeau's communications advisor denied that the loss had anything to do with the decision.

"The fact that the team is playing under .500 this year did not influence the Prime Minister's decision" said spokes person Wendy McDonald "He has a number of different offers for appearances, several of which were determined to be - and I know this may come as a shock - of higher priority than an appearance with a little-known men's hockey team."

What were these offers? You might well ask. Well, gentle reader, your faithful scribe has called in some favours and secured the PM's itinerary for the next several weeks. This is what is on tap for wednesdays during that period:

January 17: Donwood Park Public School Parent-Teacher night in Scarborough Ontario. JT will be on hand to take selfies with the moms, and take part in an arm-wrestling competition with Mr. Hiley's 6th grade class.

January 24: Brittny O'Donnel's 16th birthday party planning session, with Brittny and her mom Janice. The party isn't until June 12th...  2021.

January 31: Netflix and Chill with Sophie.

February 7: Private reception at the Pallisades Retirement Residence in Point Renfrew NL, where JT will preside over the weekly bingo game, calling out numbers and taking selfies with the ladies.

February 14: Laundry. So much laundry.

Febrary 21: An appearance at karaoke night at Bud's Brewery in Parksville BC. JT has been working on a very special version of Careless Whispers by WHAM! and is anxious to debut it at Bud's.

And it carries on like this for several more weeks. By the time the PM's schedule opens up, the Aces will be on the golf course or at their annual post-season un-training camp in Bayfield.

The team will have to soldier onwards without the power and inspiration of a carefully scripted, camera-friendly visit from Canada's Prime Minister. Team management is rumoured to be working on a special pre-game pep talk by businessman and sometime politician Doug Ford, but this could not be confirmed at press time.

I'm available! Folks!