Aces Apply Themselves

Are you kidding me?

With the team going through a bit of a rough patch lately, Black Aces executives and past administrators have been trying to find a new home for the team. No luck yet, but here are the replies to a few of the recent attempts that were made to find a way to get some Ws under the team belt and get everyone’s mojo back.

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Men’s Over 70 division of the Central Toronto Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on age requirements. No one under the age of 70 is permitted in this division.

We thank you for your kind offer of “20 minutes alone with Zamboni Girl or a player of your choice” but frankly this is making us just a little uncomfortable. We are going to have to decline at this time. 

Perhaps when your players have all attained the required minimum age we can revisit your application.

Best regards,

Jack McDonald

CTOHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Ok, so that one didn't go so well. Here's another:

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Over 40 division of the Central Toronto Women’s Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on gender requirements. No one who is not actually a woman is permitted in this division and I’m afraid a team of all men does not qualify no matter how some of them may ‘identify’. Your offer to fill out the team with “a couple of broads” is something I would prefer not to comment on at this time.

Best of luck finding a home for your hockey club. Please do not contact us again.

Jane Manly

CTWHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Jeez, women. Amirite? Next: 

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Minor Atom division of the East York Minor Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having I’m afraid there must have been a mixup, since as you may be aware the EYMHA does not have an adult division. The Minor Atom division is actually for 13 year old players, not players with 13 year old equipment as stated in your application.

Perhaps some of your team may have children or even grandchildren that would be the appropriate age? 

Thanks again and all the best. 

Hugo Dirtwhirler

EYMHA President and COO

Ouch. Ok, let's see another one.

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Senior division of the Canadian National Institute for the Blind Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on vision requirements. No player may have more than 10% vision, and if I understand your application correctly then the Aces do not qualify no matter how poorly they are ‘seeing the ice’ this year.

Good luck. It sounds like you need some.

Dorothy Diggler for

Richard Richardson,CEO CNIBHA

Could have seen that one coming, to be honest. Ok, last one:

Dear Sirs, 

Merry Christmas! And thank you for writing to Santa! Normally Santa gets all kinds of letters from boys and girls around the world asking for presents, so Santa was a bit surprised to find an application to enter the 250th annual Elfs Invitational Hockey Tournament from the Black Aces. 

Your application was very interesting, and even though Santa doesn’t like to see any boys or girls not having a good season, the Elfs tourney does have some strict rules about, you know, being an elf. Do you have any elves on your hockey team? I didn’t think so.

Santa is a very busy man, especially at this time of year. Maybe the next time you think about writing with a crazy idea like entering your hockey team into an ‘elves only’ tournament you’ll think twice before going through with it.

Enjoy your lump of coal this Christmas.

Santa F. Claus

King of the North Pole

I think the lesson here is 'do not fuck with Santa'. 

Looks like we are stuck in the COTHL for the time being, Aces. Let's make sure we get off to a great start in 2019. 

The cup belongs to US.