New Rules for a New Season

Some changes have been made

It's 2019. Western civilization continues to self-destruct. Madmen hold high office, the forests burn, the animals are disappearing, and Apple hasn't released a decent product since Steve Jobs checked out.

Naturally the world has but one all-important question on its collective mind: What's up with the Aces this year? Let's find out.

New Rules

The COTHL has responded to the record number of on-ice assaults, stabbings, homicides and other shenanigans in the 2018-2019 season by bringing in some strict new rules for this year. The new rule book is actually 700 pages long so I won't go into too much detail but here are a few of the highlights.

No swears. Anyone heard uttering a bad word on the ice will be immediately ejected from the game and sent to their room without a post-game beer. The list of banned words is long indeed, and includes such nuclear level utterances as ass, pussy, butthole, dick, fuckhead, shitbird, motherfucker and of course poopyface. Some other banned words might surprise you though, so players should read this section of the New Rules thoroughly to avoid unexpected suspensions. Some odd inclusions on the banned words list: Ford, mackeral, snowmobile, enema, amigo, brunch, airtime, and Alberta. Go figure. The rulebook says nothing about profanity in foreign languages, however, so as a service to the Black Aces your humble scribe has researched how to say 'asshole' in an assortment of non-English tongues.

French: connard, although this seems to be a catch-all word for several english bombs.
Czech:  kretén
Dutch:  kontgat
Estonian: sitapea
Finnish:  persereikä
German: Arschloch (has a nice ring to it)
Italian:  stronzo (the masculine version)
Norwegian:  drittsekk
Polish:  dupek
Spanish:  gilipollas
Ukrainian: mudak (rhymes with "Trump")


Pre-game prayers. All teams will be required to hold pre-game prayer meetings to ensure that each COTHL game is blessed by an officially sanctioned deity. Teams are expected to select from the list of acceptable gods in section 4.2.1 of the 2019 COTHL rulebook. City of Toronto bylaws do however prohibit human sacrifice, the slaughter of livestock, and sodomizing children on city property, so teams are advised to select their deity accordingly. At press time, only the Aces had yet to select a deity - the Wyse Guys went with Norse god Odin, the Battlers chose Egyptian deity Horus, and the Warriors of course picked Roman god of war Mars as their team deity, not that it will do them much good. Rumours persist that the Aces will sign Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds as their godly mascot. Appropriate for end times recreational hockey, at least.

Parking. Did you notice the new parking signs in the arena lot? Nice, eh? Not cheap though. To pay for these, all players will have to start paying $10 per game to park in front of them. Week 1 was a freebie. Use your Green P app to pony up or you might find your car towed away during the game. Spots without a sign are still free - there are 2 of these at the far end of the lot.

As for the Black Aces, the team won its first regular season game in a walk, handing a depleted Wyse Guys squad an 8-3 shellacking. Crisp passing and a relentless forecheck proved too much for the reds even though their roster was bolstered by the addition of some excellent Aces players. Goal scorers: Ralph with 2, Paul M with a pair, Blair with the first of many hat-tricks, and Pete T with a single.

Next game is the late time slot. Joe Himalaya has the diet cokes.

It's going to be epic.

Aces Score CBC TV Drama Deal

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces have just announced that they have inked a deal with Canada's national broadcaster, CBC Radio-Canada, for a 13 episode season of a new television drama.

Tentatively titled "On Yonder Blueline", the series will feature heartwarming yet difficult-to-watch mini-dramas starring Aces players and a cast of Canadian television superstars.

CBC Head of Player Development Ross McMansbridge spoke with reporters (from CBC's The National, of course) to explain the deal. "We felt that the team had finally achieved the perfect mix of mediocrity and anonymity we were looking for" said McMansbridge "As you know, our television drama lineup is widely regarded as the most mediocre content available, and after reviewing the season the Aces just finished we sent our best lawyers right over to get the deal done."

Aces spokesperson and player agent John Goalie was instrumental in getting the Aces signed to the Corp. "If I had to describe our 2018-2019 season, I would have to say it was 'not totally terrible' but also 'not that great'" said John. "'Right in the middle of the road' I'd say. Pretty forgettable, actually. I think we'll be a good fit on CBC Television."

With the ink still drying on the contract, CBC unionized screenwriters are already hard at work coming up with plot lines for the new series. Your scribe managed to get a look at some of the early ideas by bribing a secretary with a Tim Horton's plain donut, and by jingling some car keys in front of her. Here they are:

"Pete Drives Through" 

Aces power forward Pete S stops at a McDonald's drive-thru and orders some food. Then he eats it. In a cameo appearance Cynthia Dale tries to reach into the car to snatch Pete's chicken mcnuggets but he fends her off by opening his equipment bag and she staggers back into the night.

"Game Cancelled"  

Aces D man Jeff drives to the rink only to find the game has been cancelled. The camera follows him in a half-hour tracking shot as he drives despondently home in the freezing rain. The ghosts of Bruno Gerussi and Robert Clothier appear in the back seat and they all speak of the sea as the rain falls.

"Post Game Beverages" 

The Aces celebrate a 6-0 victory over White in the consolation finals by quietly sipping on cans of beer whilst in their underwear. Special guest appearance by Donny the Ref, who delivers a ten minute monologue on the finer points of section 8.2.3 of the OHL Rulebook. Very special guest appearance by Rita McNeil as Zamboni Girl. Viewer discretion is advised.






There you have it, sports and television drama fans. The Black Aces conclude another season but may be starting another, less exciting one.

No hoisting the cup this year but our 5 year run of consecutive championships is still safe. Training camp should iron out any minor issues in our game for next year, right? Right.

So you want to play D

Dear applicant;
Thank you for your recent letter indicating your interest in playing the position of Defenseman for the Black Aces Hockey Club. In order for us to process your application, we ask you to please complete the following questionnaire.

Q. What is the average speed of a typical COTHL wrist shot?
a) 22.2 m/s
b) 50 mph
c) 0.0000746% of the speed of light in a vacuum
d) I don’t care, I’ll block the shot no matter what

Q. Who is the greatest Toronto Maple Leaf of all time?

a) Bobby Baun
b) Ian Turnbull
c) Borje Salming
d) Tim Horton

Q. Who said “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

a) Captain James T Kirk
b) Isaac Newton
c) Albert Einstein
d) Jim McKenney

Q. The angle between the left point and the top right corner of the net in an NHL sized rink is:

a) 16.6 degrees
b) 38.1 degrees
c) It depends if the defenseman is shooting left or right
d) It doesn’t matter. Point shots should be low and hard, not aimed at the top corner.


Q. If Jimmy is skating north-northwest at 28 kilometres per hour and Joey is skating due south at 26 kilometres per hour, what time should you be in the dressing room for an 8:30 game?

a) 7:45
b) 8:29
c) midway through the second period
d) depends on the weather and/or McDonalds drive thru traffic

Q. Who said "Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt." ?

a) Sun Tzu in The Art of War
b) Lau Tzu in the Tao Te Ching
c) American WWII General George S. Patton
d) Bobby Orr in the middle of a mescaline binge with Derek Sanderson

This concludes the multiple choice section of the application.

Essay Question: in 500 words or less please explain why you feel you are qualified to play defence for the Black Aces. Please include detailed diagrams showing your top 3 preferred zone clearing strategies for even strength, shorthanded and power play situations.

Bonus question: who is your favourite Aces defenseman of all time?

Thank you for your interest. Successful candidates will be contacted by email the day of the next game. Keep your gear in the trunk just in case.

Aces Make a Deal

Local hockey team the Black Aces stunned both the hockey and aviation worlds this past week when they announced that they had made a deal with European aircraft manufacturer Airbus for one of the last A380s to roll off the assembly line. This followed the announcement by Airbus last week that they would discontinue the line of super-large passenger jets due to lack of sales.

"We were able to come to an agreement we were both happy with" said Aces' winger and avionics specialist Bruce H. "Airbus was in a tight spot and the team had a financial surplus with all the call-ups we've used this year. Turns out raising the pay-to-play fee to $20 per game was a great idea. It all adds up!"

The team would not divulge the purchase price of the brand new double-decker airliner, but it seems safe to say the Aces paid substantially less than the standard $445 Million retail price. That should leave some money left over for the planned custom upgrades the team negotiated with Airbus. Your humble scribe has managed to secure a partial list of these upgrades, listed here:

• Black and silver interior colour theme throughout.
  
• Full Sized Practice Rink - The A380 is the largest commercial aircraft ever built, so it should be easy to fit an NHL-sized hockey rink into the main level. There's even room for a zamboni and a cabin for the live-in driver. Applications are being accepted as we speak.
  
• Golf simulator - obviously you can't fit a full-sized golf course into an airplane, even an A380, so a 6 bay golf simulator will have to do. It does however have a full bar along with an in-house brewpub.
  
• Wave pool - this will help keep the Aces in shape for the summer surfing season
  
• Petting zoo - make sure to visit the Snake Farm area, the pythons love to be petted and zookeeper and Aces D man Simon C does a great job of keeping 'em frisky.
  
• Gentlemen's club - there will be a dress code, but Aces players can store their complimentary tailored suits in their individual cabins. Each cabin comes with its own butler, whose only task is to keep each suit dry-cleaned and ready to wear.
  
• Skeet shooting range - some modifications have been made to the top deck. Engineers are confident that removing a portion of the fuselage to allow the skeets to be launched into the air will probably not affect the plane's ability to actually fly. Probably.
• Trout pond - fully stocked with one thousand big beautiful Ontario trout. Boat rentals available.
• Parking deck - for the exclusive use of the official Black Aces stretch limo fleet

Your Armani is ready, sir

The deal for the plane is contingent on the team following through on their initial downpayment, said to be "a couple of pies and more than a few beers at Ferro" by Aces chief negotiator and elder statesman Rich W. Rumours of 'personal favours' remain unsubstantiated and will be vigorously defended against by team attorneys. To that end, the fee for next year will be $250,000 per player. Call-ups will pay $2.5 million per game. Team actuarial specialist Mike M calculates the plane will be fully paid off "long before our sun goes supernova, I can assure you."

Not to worry, everyone.

Now that the distraction of buying a new toy is behind them, Aces' management is probably hoping to avoid any further losses like the one the team suffered at the hands of the Team With the Ugly Blue Sweaters. No scoring to report, sadly.

GoalieCon 2019

Dear Goalie,

Welcome to Halifax and welcome to GoalieCon 2019!

Please check your swag bag to make sure you have all the free goodies you’ll need for the 3 days of goalie-related events, including your complimentary bottomless pint glass (to be used at the Blue Paint beer hall in the conference centre - as much free beer as you can handle), an iPad Pro, and a gift certificate for a new Brian’s GSP1 Custom Goalie Stick. A special thank you to all the rent-a-goalies who donated their fees this past year to pay for the swag.

If you are a speaker or panel participant please check in early and be sure to adhere to the mandatory dress code for on-stage participants. Off-the-rack suits are not permitted, only tailored. If you need assistance with your attire please visit the complimentary pre-conference bespoke tailoring booth for an upgrade.

Here are some of the highlights of our lineup for 2019:

Saturday

After registration please enjoy a complimentary full breakfast by Chef Joel Robuchon, world-famous for having 28 Michelin stars and for throwing a plate at Gordon Ramsay's head.

Opening remarks by Ken Dryden. Theme: How to Talk to Forwards Without Lowering Your Own IQ

Guest Speaker and physicist Andrey Gromov presents “Using Quantum Geometry to Calculate Optimal Net-Covering Angles for non-NHL Dimension Ice Hockey Arenas”

Sunday

Scotch Tasting with Angus McCann of Glenora Distilleries, Glenville NS. Sample some fine local scotch with fellow like-minded goalies of discerning taste. No limit on samples.

A 2-hour on-ice training session with NHL goaltenders Carey Price, Frederik Anderson, Roberto Luongo and Connor Hellebuyck (thank you NHL All Star Weekend). Includes a full set of new gear and mask, so no need to bring your own. Not you, Frank D’Angelo.

Monday

Panel Discussion: Defensemen - Incredibly Skilled or Just Amazingly Talented?

Complimentary Massage by the Elite Swedish All-Girls Massage Team, making their third consecutive appearance at GoalieCon. Welcome back, girls! Thanks to Joe P. of the Black Aces HC for arranging the flight from Stockholm, by way of Bucerias.

Final presentation: full HD video of the Black Aces triumphant 3-3 tie with the first place Battlers. The Aces nearly tipped their post-season hand by thumping the ugly-shirted blue team 3-0, but eventually remembered to stick to the 'sandbagging' strategy and allowed their opponents to sneak 3 late goals to tie the game. 2 goals for Martin, 1 for Pete T.

Aces Victory Spawns Super Blood Wolf Moon

In a turn of astronomical events that astronomers are calling ‘astronomical’, the world witnessed an unexpected Super Blood Wolf Moon on January 20. The rare lunar eclipse was not scheduled to occur for another 7 months, but scientists have now confirmed that a 2 game winning streak by Toronto hockey team the Black Aces is in fact somehow responsible for the early timing of the event.

“Zis is most unusual, jah?” said Prof. Ernst Kagalhausenschiffsteinitzbergenvald of the Vienna Astronomical Society. “Ve normally do not see planetary bodies change zair position in space due to incredibly minor events here on ze earth. First it vas ze 3-0 vin against ze Vyse Guys, zen a 3-1 wictory over za Warriors. Why is zis happening? Nobody cares about zis team.”

As everyone is now aware, a Super Blood Wolf Moon is a larger than normal moon in total eclipse and appears blood red in the sky. What can skywatchers expect if the current streak of hockey superiority continues? Professor Kagalhausenschiffsteinitzbergenvald was kind enough to share his notes with me.

Aces Win a 3rd Straight Game:

Awesome Plasma Tiger Moon

• Appears twice normal size
• Black and orange stripes
• Insists on belly rubs

Aces Finish in First Place:

Unwieldy Vodka Vulture Moon

• Looms ominously on the horizon, unmoving for 24 hours
• Emits a foul smell, terrifies small mammals and the very elderly

Former Aces Players Return from DL:

Gigantic Whisky Gorilla Moon

• Moves to within 100 miles of earth
• Repeatedly calls and texts
• Earth has to get restraining order

Aces Win the COTHL for the 7th Time:

Humongous Tequila Dinosaur Moon

• Spins erratically in its orbit
• Picks a fight with Mars
• eventually killed by an asteroid

Aces Advance to NHL Playoffs:

Stupendous Kool Aid Godzilla Moon

• Bright purple colour
• Lands on earth, flattening Tokyo
• keeps shouting "OOOOhhhhh Yaaaaahhhh"

Aces Win Stanley Cup:

Ridiculous Antifreeze Zamboni Moon

• Moon collapses into a black hole, sucking the earth and everything else inside the orbit of Jupiter across its event horizon.
• Everyone dies.
• Ice at Phil White improves slightly

The fate of the solar system is in our hands, Aces. 

Forward Momentum

Yay!

Gather 'round, wingers and centremen, and listen to a story about a game of hockey.

Once upon a time there was a hockey team called the Aces. They were good friends and they were a good team and they won lots of games and even trophies. Then as time went by they didn’t win as much any more. They were still friends but now they had grey hairs all over and some Aces even had new pieces put in and couldn’t play any more, at least for a while. Other teams had new players who could skate fast and didn’t have as many grey hairs, and they won more games than the Aces.

Even the Baby Jesus was sad about this.

Then one week the Aces played the red team. The red team beat the Aces already before and thought they could beat the Aces again, but the Aces thought “fuck that shit” and played really really hard against the red team. By the time the red team woke up it was already 2-0 Aces, and even though they tried to catch up it was too late. While the red team was trying to cause trouble on the ice like bunch of a-holes and the refs were standing around with their dicks in their hands, the Aces were busy scoring again. The final score was Aces 3, red 0. 

And the Aces drank happily ever after, in contravention of municipal rules prohibiting the consumption of alcohol on city arena property.

The end.