In a turn of astronomical events that astronomers are calling ‘astronomical’, the world witnessed an unexpected Super Blood Wolf Moon on January 20. The rare lunar eclipse was not scheduled to occur for another 7 months, but scientists have now confirmed that a 2 game winning streak by Toronto hockey team the Black Aces is in fact somehow responsible for the early timing of the event.
“Zis is most unusual, jah?” said Prof. Ernst Kagalhausenschiffsteinitzbergenvald of the Vienna Astronomical Society. “Ve normally do not see planetary bodies change zair position in space due to incredibly minor events here on ze earth. First it vas ze 3-0 vin against ze Vyse Guys, zen a 3-1 wictory over za Warriors. Why is zis happening? Nobody cares about zis team.”
As everyone is now aware, a Super Blood Wolf Moon is a larger than normal moon in total eclipse and appears blood red in the sky. What can skywatchers expect if the current streak of hockey superiority continues? Professor Kagalhausenschiffsteinitzbergenvald was kind enough to share his notes with me.
Aces Win a 3rd Straight Game:
Awesome Plasma Tiger Moon
- Appears twice normal size
- Black and orange stripes
- Insists on belly rubs
Aces Finish in First Place:
Unwieldy Vodka Vulture Moon
- Looms ominously on the horizon, unmoving for 24 hours
- Emits a foul smell, terrifies small mammals and the very elderly
Former Aces Players Return from DL:
Gigantic Whisky Gorilla Moon
- Moves to within 100 miles of earth
- Repeatedly calls and texts
- Earth has to get restraining order
Aces Win the COTHL for the 7th Time:
Humongous Tequila Dinosaur Moon
- Spins erratically in its orbit
- Picks a fight with Mars
- eventually killed by an asteroid
Aces Advance to NHL Playoffs:
Stupendous Kool Aid Godzilla Moon
- Bright purple colour
- Lands on earth, flattening Tokyo
- keeps shouting "OOOOhhhhh Yaaaaahhhh"
Aces Win Stanley Cup:
Ridiculous Antifreeze Zamboni Moon
- Moon collapses into a black hole, sucking the earth and everything else inside the orbit of Jupiter across its event horizon.
- Everyone dies.
- Ice at Phil White improves slightly
The fate of the solar system is in our hands, Aces.
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