Aces Make a Deal

Local hockey team the Black Aces stunned both the hockey and aviation worlds this past week when they announced that they had made a deal with European aircraft manufacturer Airbus for one of the last A380s to roll off the assembly line. This followed the announcement by Airbus last week that they would discontinue the line of super-large passenger jets due to lack of sales.

"We were able to come to an agreement we were both happy with" said Aces' winger and avionics specialist Bruce H. "Airbus was in a tight spot and the team had a financial surplus with all the call-ups we've used this year. Turns out raising the pay-to-play fee to $20 per game was a great idea. It all adds up!"

The team would not divulge the purchase price of the brand new double-decker airliner, but it seems safe to say the Aces paid substantially less than the standard $445 Million retail price. That should leave some money left over for the planned custom upgrades the team negotiated with Airbus. Your humble scribe has managed to secure a partial list of these upgrades, listed here:

• Black and silver interior colour theme throughout.
  
• Full Sized Practice Rink - The A380 is the largest commercial aircraft ever built, so it should be easy to fit an NHL-sized hockey rink into the main level. There's even room for a zamboni and a cabin for the live-in driver. Applications are being accepted as we speak.
  
• Golf simulator - obviously you can't fit a full-sized golf course into an airplane, even an A380, so a 6 bay golf simulator will have to do. It does however have a full bar along with an in-house brewpub.
  
• Wave pool - this will help keep the Aces in shape for the summer surfing season
  
• Petting zoo - make sure to visit the Snake Farm area, the pythons love to be petted and zookeeper and Aces D man Simon C does a great job of keeping 'em frisky.
  
• Gentlemen's club - there will be a dress code, but Aces players can store their complimentary tailored suits in their individual cabins. Each cabin comes with its own butler, whose only task is to keep each suit dry-cleaned and ready to wear.
  
• Skeet shooting range - some modifications have been made to the top deck. Engineers are confident that removing a portion of the fuselage to allow the skeets to be launched into the air will probably not affect the plane's ability to actually fly. Probably.
• Trout pond - fully stocked with one thousand big beautiful Ontario trout. Boat rentals available.
• Parking deck - for the exclusive use of the official Black Aces stretch limo fleet

Your Armani is ready, sir

The deal for the plane is contingent on the team following through on their initial downpayment, said to be "a couple of pies and more than a few beers at Ferro" by Aces chief negotiator and elder statesman Rich W. Rumours of 'personal favours' remain unsubstantiated and will be vigorously defended against by team attorneys. To that end, the fee for next year will be $250,000 per player. Call-ups will pay $2.5 million per game. Team actuarial specialist Mike M calculates the plane will be fully paid off "long before our sun goes supernova, I can assure you."

Not to worry, everyone.

Now that the distraction of buying a new toy is behind them, Aces' management is probably hoping to avoid any further losses like the one the team suffered at the hands of the Team With the Ugly Blue Sweaters. No scoring to report, sadly.

GoalieCon 2019

Dear Goalie,

Welcome to Halifax and welcome to GoalieCon 2019!

Please check your swag bag to make sure you have all the free goodies you’ll need for the 3 days of goalie-related events, including your complimentary bottomless pint glass (to be used at the Blue Paint beer hall in the conference centre - as much free beer as you can handle), an iPad Pro, and a gift certificate for a new Brian’s GSP1 Custom Goalie Stick. A special thank you to all the rent-a-goalies who donated their fees this past year to pay for the swag.

If you are a speaker or panel participant please check in early and be sure to adhere to the mandatory dress code for on-stage participants. Off-the-rack suits are not permitted, only tailored. If you need assistance with your attire please visit the complimentary pre-conference bespoke tailoring booth for an upgrade.

Here are some of the highlights of our lineup for 2019:

Saturday

After registration please enjoy a complimentary full breakfast by Chef Joel Robuchon, world-famous for having 28 Michelin stars and for throwing a plate at Gordon Ramsay's head.

Opening remarks by Ken Dryden. Theme: How to Talk to Forwards Without Lowering Your Own IQ

Guest Speaker and physicist Andrey Gromov presents “Using Quantum Geometry to Calculate Optimal Net-Covering Angles for non-NHL Dimension Ice Hockey Arenas”

Sunday

Scotch Tasting with Angus McCann of Glenora Distilleries, Glenville NS. Sample some fine local scotch with fellow like-minded goalies of discerning taste. No limit on samples.

A 2-hour on-ice training session with NHL goaltenders Carey Price, Frederik Anderson, Roberto Luongo and Connor Hellebuyck (thank you NHL All Star Weekend). Includes a full set of new gear and mask, so no need to bring your own. Not you, Frank D’Angelo.

Monday

Panel Discussion: Defensemen - Incredibly Skilled or Just Amazingly Talented?

Complimentary Massage by the Elite Swedish All-Girls Massage Team, making their third consecutive appearance at GoalieCon. Welcome back, girls! Thanks to Joe P. of the Black Aces HC for arranging the flight from Stockholm, by way of Bucerias.

Final presentation: full HD video of the Black Aces triumphant 3-3 tie with the first place Battlers. The Aces nearly tipped their post-season hand by thumping the ugly-shirted blue team 3-0, but eventually remembered to stick to the 'sandbagging' strategy and allowed their opponents to sneak 3 late goals to tie the game. 2 goals for Martin, 1 for Pete T.

Aces Victory Spawns Super Blood Wolf Moon

In a turn of astronomical events that astronomers are calling ‘astronomical’, the world witnessed an unexpected Super Blood Wolf Moon on January 20. The rare lunar eclipse was not scheduled to occur for another 7 months, but scientists have now confirmed that a 2 game winning streak by Toronto hockey team the Black Aces is in fact somehow responsible for the early timing of the event.

“Zis is most unusual, jah?” said Prof. Ernst Kagalhausenschiffsteinitzbergenvald of the Vienna Astronomical Society. “Ve normally do not see planetary bodies change zair position in space due to incredibly minor events here on ze earth. First it vas ze 3-0 vin against ze Vyse Guys, zen a 3-1 wictory over za Warriors. Why is zis happening? Nobody cares about zis team.”

As everyone is now aware, a Super Blood Wolf Moon is a larger than normal moon in total eclipse and appears blood red in the sky. What can skywatchers expect if the current streak of hockey superiority continues? Professor Kagalhausenschiffsteinitzbergenvald was kind enough to share his notes with me.

Aces Win a 3rd Straight Game:

Awesome Plasma Tiger Moon

• Appears twice normal size
• Black and orange stripes
• Insists on belly rubs

Aces Finish in First Place:

Unwieldy Vodka Vulture Moon

• Looms ominously on the horizon, unmoving for 24 hours
• Emits a foul smell, terrifies small mammals and the very elderly

Former Aces Players Return from DL:

Gigantic Whisky Gorilla Moon

• Moves to within 100 miles of earth
• Repeatedly calls and texts
• Earth has to get restraining order

Aces Win the COTHL for the 7th Time:

Humongous Tequila Dinosaur Moon

• Spins erratically in its orbit
• Picks a fight with Mars
• eventually killed by an asteroid

Aces Advance to NHL Playoffs:

Stupendous Kool Aid Godzilla Moon

• Bright purple colour
• Lands on earth, flattening Tokyo
• keeps shouting "OOOOhhhhh Yaaaaahhhh"

Aces Win Stanley Cup:

Ridiculous Antifreeze Zamboni Moon

• Moon collapses into a black hole, sucking the earth and everything else inside the orbit of Jupiter across its event horizon.
• Everyone dies.
• Ice at Phil White improves slightly

The fate of the solar system is in our hands, Aces. 

Forward Momentum

Yay!

Gather 'round, wingers and centremen, and listen to a story about a game of hockey.

Once upon a time there was a hockey team called the Aces. They were good friends and they were a good team and they won lots of games and even trophies. Then as time went by they didn’t win as much any more. They were still friends but now they had grey hairs all over and some Aces even had new pieces put in and couldn’t play any more, at least for a while. Other teams had new players who could skate fast and didn’t have as many grey hairs, and they won more games than the Aces.

Even the Baby Jesus was sad about this.

Then one week the Aces played the red team. The red team beat the Aces already before and thought they could beat the Aces again, but the Aces thought “fuck that shit” and played really really hard against the red team. By the time the red team woke up it was already 2-0 Aces, and even though they tried to catch up it was too late. While the red team was trying to cause trouble on the ice like bunch of a-holes and the refs were standing around with their dicks in their hands, the Aces were busy scoring again. The final score was Aces 3, red 0. 

And the Aces drank happily ever after, in contravention of municipal rules prohibiting the consumption of alcohol on city arena property.

The end.

For D's Eyes Only

Look away, non-defenseman types. There's nothing for you here.

Greetings fellow Defensemen! This week’s roundup of news and achievements, as always, is meant for your eyes only. Under no circumstances should it be shared with any forward or, god forbid, a goalie. Not that they’d understand it anyway though, amirite?

First up, let’s all congratulate Al H on his latest successful patent. This one is for a new keel design for high performance sailboats that virtually eliminates cavitation at high speeds. As you know this has been a significant problem for the sport and has prevented racing craft from reaching their full potential. This might be a good time to buy more stock in Al’s company, I think this could be another  winner.

Moving from sea to sky, I’m sure you’ve heard about the Chinese landing the Chang’e 4 spacecraft on the far side of the moon last week. What you didn’t hear about was the experiment that was on board, which included a sophisticated autonomous robot that will explore the surface and conduct soil sample analysis. That robot was built in his garage over the past year by none other than new Aces D-man  Mike M. Look for his technical paper in upcoming issues of both Scientific Canadian and Defenseman Quarterly. Well done, Mike.

Welcome back to Simon this week, who has been working on completing his PhD the past couple of weeks (the illness was just a cover story, we don’t want to alarm the non-defensemen on the team by using big words or “ideas”). He successfully defended his thesis last week, which as you know was about using tensor networks as a new tool to describe strongly entangled quantum many-body systems. Great stuff! Simon will be presenting his paper in May at the Perimeter Institute in Waterloo.

I’m not sure I should even report this next piece since Pete T moved “up” to the forward line this week, but rumour has it that Mr T has just signed a deal with Penguin Books to publish his new autobiography. It’s part one of three and it’s called Pete T: My LIfe as a Fighter Pilot / Scientist / Mountain Climber / Drummer / Defenseman - That's Right, I Did All Those Things. There's no point in being humble when you're awesome, is there?

As for me, I’ve just secured second round investment funding for my new brainwave-controlled drone piloting system. We should be ready with an IPO by year’s end, so I’ll give you plenty of notice so you can alert your brokers. Same as last time. We’re going to make a killing.

And finally a big shout-out and thank you to Dr. B. Salming, ex-Leaf defender and now heart surgeon who operated on Rich W this past week. Thanks to Dr. Salming's skill and steady hands our Aces teammate and good friend is on the road to recovery and should be back in the lineup in no time.

That’s it for this week, guys. Don’t forget - this blog never happened and if a forward asks you about it just start talking about barbecue or NFL football. If a goalie asks anything, just grunt and smile and crush your beer can.

Wait, I almost forgot - Battlers 6, Aces 2. We were mentally ready for White, not Blue, so came up a little short. Something something steaks, "Grunt grunt" *crushes beer can*.

Aces Apply Themselves

Are you kidding me?

With the team going through a bit of a rough patch lately, Black Aces executives and past administrators have been trying to find a new home for the team. No luck yet, but here are the replies to a few of the recent attempts that were made to find a way to get some Ws under the team belt and get everyone’s mojo back.

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Men’s Over 70 division of the Central Toronto Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on age requirements. No one under the age of 70 is permitted in this division.

We thank you for your kind offer of “20 minutes alone with Zamboni Girl or a player of your choice” but frankly this is making us just a little uncomfortable. We are going to have to decline at this time. 

Perhaps when your players have all attained the required minimum age we can revisit your application.

Best regards,

Jack McDonald

CTOHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Ok, so that one didn't go so well. Here's another:

Dear Sir,

Thank your for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Over 40 division of the Central Toronto Women’s Hockey Association.

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on gender requirements. No one who is not actually a woman is permitted in this division and I’m afraid a team of all men does not qualify no matter how some of them may ‘identify’. Your offer to fill out the team with “a couple of broads” is something I would prefer not to comment on at this time.

Best of luck finding a home for your hockey club. Please do not contact us again.

Jane Manly

CTWHA Chief Recruitment Officer

Jeez, women. Amirite? Next: 

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Minor Atom division of the East York Minor Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having I’m afraid there must have been a mixup, since as you may be aware the EYMHA does not have an adult division. The Minor Atom division is actually for 13 year old players, not players with 13 year old equipment as stated in your application.

Perhaps some of your team may have children or even grandchildren that would be the appropriate age? 

Thanks again and all the best. 

Hugo Dirtwhirler

EYMHA President and COO

Ouch. Ok, let's see another one.

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about the Black Aces Hockey Club joining the Senior division of the Canadian National Institute for the Blind Hockey Association. 

Your application was most interesting, and while we can appreciate the difficulties your team is currently having we do maintain a strict policy on vision requirements. No player may have more than 10% vision, and if I understand your application correctly then the Aces do not qualify no matter how poorly they are ‘seeing the ice’ this year.

Good luck. It sounds like you need some.

Dorothy Diggler for

Richard Richardson,CEO CNIBHA

Could have seen that one coming, to be honest. Ok, last one:

Dear Sirs, 

Merry Christmas! And thank you for writing to Santa! Normally Santa gets all kinds of letters from boys and girls around the world asking for presents, so Santa was a bit surprised to find an application to enter the 250th annual Elfs Invitational Hockey Tournament from the Black Aces. 

Your application was very interesting, and even though Santa doesn’t like to see any boys or girls not having a good season, the Elfs tourney does have some strict rules about, you know, being an elf. Do you have any elves on your hockey team? I didn’t think so.

Santa is a very busy man, especially at this time of year. Maybe the next time you think about writing with a crazy idea like entering your hockey team into an ‘elves only’ tournament you’ll think twice before going through with it.

Enjoy your lump of coal this Christmas.

Santa F. Claus

King of the North Pole

I think the lesson here is 'do not fuck with Santa'. 

Looks like we are stuck in the COTHL for the time being, Aces. Let's make sure we get off to a great start in 2019. 

The cup belongs to US.

Aces Continue Domination of Bottom Half of COTHL

Like the Tallest Mountain in Florida, the Black Aces continue to dominate the bottom half of the COTHL in 2018.

Still finding momentum from their thrilling second place finish in last season's playoffs, the now Aubrey and Rich -less Aces have settled into a mid-season groove. Middle of the year, middle of the pack. That's just how these middle-aged blackshirts roll.

"Sure Blue and Red have made some acquisitions and gotten younger and faster" said Aces Victrola Repair Man Pete D "but eventually they'll be just as old as we are, and then we'll see who's best." Team mathematician Pete S was not available for comment.

"As long as the Warriors continue to self-destruct, we'll be fine." added team 8-Track Stereo Technician and defender Mike M "and that's not all that bad."

Not all the Aces are so happy with the situation, however. As a final contribution to the team before heading off to his new life of skiing and beach lounging, Rich W engaged a professional HR specialist to recruit some new legs for the team. "Results haven't been as good as I expected so far" said Rich after the Aces' recent 5-0 victory over (who else) the Warriors. "The company is called BroLine and their ad promised me I could find some studs, but none of the guys they've sent me so far can even skate and none of them were wearing shirts for their interview. Weird. I think I found someone though - maybe not so good in the room but great on the ice."

Almost made the team. Wrong sport.

Poor language skills. Nope.

Too 2-dimensional. Next.

We're talking with his agent as we speak.