5 Out of 6 Ain’t Bad

Reactions to the Black Aces stunning loss in the finals of the COTHL last week continue to pour in. What was once thought to be a sure thing, then a long-shot, then a distinct possibility, turned out in the end to be only a close call.

In their 6th consecutive appearance in the Final Two, the Aces were attempting to achieve an unprecedented 6th consecutive league title. For a review of just what an achievement even 5 straight is, please re-read last year’s game report after Win #5. The Aces are in pretty rare company.

But reactions. A sampling of the shock, horror, and sheer garment-rending angst that the Aces’ 1-0 loss to league rivals and second-rate jersey-wearers the Battlers is presented here for your enjoyment.

Preciousssss!!

Gollum, aka Smeagol. A wretched creature of Middle Earth:

Filthy Battlerses have stolen the Precious! They uses tricksy magicks to take the lovely yellow metal cup from the Aces! Nassty stripeshirt orcses and their wicked calls helped the Battlerses, yes they did! But Smeagol will helps Aces get the Precious back, oh yesssss we will.

Ya may as well laugh.

Reg McDonald, a guy in Tim Horton’s

Holy shit, I had a hundred on these guys on the Proline at 8:1 against, eh? What am I going to do now? I owe Pete down at the garage buck fiddy for a nice chunk a hash he fronted me, and now I have to pay back Cash Money payday loans too. I'm screwed.

Die Les, Die.

Stephen Hawking’s Cryogenically Frozen Head

This Is The Most Extraordinary Day In. The History Of The Universe.
My Calculations Indicated A Win For. The Aces. I Cannot Explain It.
I Am Blaming Les.

Folks.

Doug Ford, a wretched creature of Middle Etobicoke.

Folks, this is the biggest scam since Kathleen Wynn took all the schoolkids’ lunch money and used it to pay for sex ed lessons and we’re not going to stand for it. It’s time the Aces took back the COTHL from the elites and folks are fed up, folks. We’re going to make the Aces great again. Folks.

I'm putting on my smitin' shoes

God Himself

My condolences to the Aces and their many fan. As you may know, The Aces are My Team - I’ve been watching over them lo these past 5 years and the results speak for themselves. This year I decided to push them a little, you know, to test their faith in Me, by having them lose all those games in the regular season. But they came through with the thoughts and prayers so I made sure they got to the finals again. But then I, uh, I looked away for just a few minutes to update my Facebook settings and next thing I know the game is over and some other team are the champs. I may have to smite them.

Don't forget, Aces, training camp is in June. Start training!

Local Eatery Creates New Selection of Aces-Themed Pizzas

Fucking Delicious Pizzas

Local eatery and long-time Black Aces post-game hangout Ferro has announced a new lineup of specially created pizzas in honour of the Aces’ recent stunning victory in the 2017-18 COTHL semifinals.

The Aces came into the game as definite underdogs, up against the first place Wyse Guys, a strong team whom they had not defeated all year. Smart money was on red. Smart money lost.

Aces Playbook

The Aces came out swinging, jumping out to a 1-0 lead on a nice tally from Paul M. Red tied it up not long after and the teams battled it out until Black took the lead on an in-close goal from Pete S. That was enough to make the difference and the Aces took away the surprise 2-1 win. The keys to success? Intense forechecking, disciplined positional play, tough D and timely goaltending. Right out of the ancient Aces playbook that somehow surfaces every year at playoff time.

But back to the pizzas.

Your humble scribe secured an off-the-record interview with Ferro’s chief pizza architect Gianni Dellatortarotonda. Here’s what will be appearing on the menu very soon:

The Ritardatario (The Latecomer)

This basic pie comes with with a thick layer of unevenly spread sauce and random toppings from the back of the refrigerator. You never know what you’ll get. The final ingredient is brought to your table 10 minutes after the pizza is first served.
Wine pairing: Nadal 1510 Late Harvest

The Quelli Vecchi (The Old Ones)

This unique pie is served on aged crust made from vintage Red Fife wheat from the 1950s. Ingredients are selected exclusively from heirloom vegetables, pepperoni that was cured for Expo 67 but never sold, and 100 year old asiago cheese.
Wine pairing: Smoking Loon Old Vine Zinfandel.

The Vittoria Nera (The Black Victory)

A heavy pie suitable only for strong appetites, the Vittoria Nera crust is made from sourdough mixed with black beer and charcoal. Toppings: black olives, black pepper, black-eyed peas, Black Forest ham, blackberries, black pudding and blackened cod.
Wine pairing: Folonari Pinot Noir.

The Bella Macchina (the Beautiful Machine)

This beautiful and perfectly circular pie is perfectly balanced in all aspects. Carefully selected toppings are placed in equal amounts evenly spaced around the surface of the pie: 1.026mm of 10w40 "sauce", 25g each of iron filings, titanium wafers, and hard steel balls. Chew carefully, and order soon before the U.S. slaps a tariff on it.
Wine pairing: Nickel & Nickel Branding Iron Cabernet Sauvignon 2014

Aces players have a week to savour their victory and prepare for their final match against the Battlers, who reportedly edged the Warriors in extra time.

Will the Aces Bring It

Zamboni/Barista Girl shows how you bring it.

Long time patrons of local favourite hangout the Aces Cafe are reportedly perplexed by the service lately, say sources.

“For the last 5 years the service has been great.” said longtime customer Guy Mann-Dude. “I order a cup of black black coffee, and the Aces bring it. No problem. They always bring it.”

Lately though, Mann-Dude and other customers have been complaining.

“Since, I dunno, September i wanna say? The service has been off.” said loyal client Paisley Summerseve “They just haven’t been bringing it. Sometimes though, I order? And then like weeks go by? And I think maybe they’re not going to bring it? And then they bring it. It’s like so random.”

Aces’ management would not consent to an official interview on the matter, and would only say that from this point forward the Aces “Will be bringing it. It’s our time of the year, and Bringing It is definitely what we’ll be doing.”

In hockey news, the Aces brought it in their final season game, bringing it right to the Warriors 4-3 with the help of fill-in netminder (Roger? Randy? Andrew?).

The blackshirts have another opportunity to bring it this week against Red. Let’s hope they can bring it right to the finals.

Aces Execute Dangerous Slingshot Maneuvre in Bid for Sixth COTHL Title

In 1997 the Aces were a struggling bunch of young upstarts trying to find their way in an oldtimers’ hockey league that had been around more than 20 years already.

That same year, NASA launched its Cassini-Huygens probe to Saturn, some 1.2 Billion kilometers from earth. To get there, it would need to execute a ‘slingshot’ maneuvre around Venus (twice), the Earth and finally Jupiter. Skimming perilously close to each of these planets, the probe would use their gravitational fields to increase its speed in order to reach Saturn by 2010.

In 2017 the Cassini mission came to a spectacular end, with the little probe hurtling into Saturns atmosphere and burning up as it transmitted its last data back to earth.

In 2017 the Black Aces embarked on a mission of their own, as they began their attempt to capture an unprecedented 6th straight league title. In order to succeed, Aces engineers decided to execute their own slingshot maneuvre, using the black hole of Last Place to provide the gravity assist needed to propel the aging team into the finals once more.

As the team fell through the standings throughout the season, what looked to their opponents like failure was really just the Aces gathering momentum. With 2 games left in the season a software glitch sent them off course with 7-4 win over the Battlers, but they were thankfully able to course correct in their latest game, a 5-3 loss to the first place Wyse Guys. This “loss” enabled them to regain their lost momentum and unless something unforeseen happens in the final game of the regular season, the Aces should have all the momentum they need as they swing around the COTHL basement singularity and head for the playoffs.

Aces’ Chief Astrophysicist Pete S summed up the mission by saying “It’s a bunch of really big numbers, like math and shit. You probably wouldn’t understand.”

Like space stuff? Check out the Cassini site at NASA.  Image credit: NASA JPL from their collection of cool retro mission posters.

Aces Re-Enter Race for COTHL Title

Aces are coming, hockey суки

In a surprising move that pundits are still shaking their heads over, local hockey team the Black Aces have announced that they are re-entering the race for the COTHL overall title.

The team had previously, though unofficially, made it clear through their recent play that they had no intentions of contesting for the trophy this year after their unprecedented 5 year run. Although no official announcement was ever made, the Aces lack of offense, defense, consistency or work ethic sent a pretty clear signal to the rest of the league that the top spot was up for grabs.

Not any more.

Facing off against league rivals the Battlers, the Aces gave no indication that this game would be much different than so many that had been played this season. And yet by the final whistle the Battlers and  anyone else who had inadvertantly been watching the game would know: the Black Aces were back.

Final Score: Aces 7, Battlers 4. 2 goals each from Paul and Martin with singles from Bruce, Mike and Ralph. Solid D and goalkeeping. Crisp passing. Witty bench banter. This game was all Aces.

The Aces new Russian communications advisor spoke to your scribe after the game.

"All reporting of team playing bad to get draft pick is fake news." said Ilya Blogorski, dressed stylishly in a full length fur coat and mucklucks. "Plus, there was not any inconvenient touching of enemy players as reporting on CNN. This is lies.

"Plus also, all Aces comrades are fully clean from most of drugs, I am telling to you now.

"Also in addition, Aces are changing name to 'OAR': Old Aces Rejuvenated. This is I think good news, and will result in final victory of Old Time League of Cedarvale."

Aces defender and Advanced Analytics Specialist Al H said after the game that there is "a very high probaility" that the team would make the playoffs again this year in spite of their overall lacklustre performance.

Convalescing forward and team Workplace Gender Equality Officer Rod P released a special audio statement to the press the day following the win.

"The Aces are entering the playoffs from behind, but we are confident that we will come first. Our playoff run will be like a donkey punch to every other team in the league. I and all other Aces sidelined by injury, age or professional commitments fully support our on-ice brothers."

Battlers Allege Inappropriate Touching

"It was his stick"

After their most recent game against COTHL rivals the Black Aces, the Bloor Street Battlers are contending that several of their players were touched in an aggressive and wholly inappropriate manner by Aces defenseman James D. These instances, the Battlers allege, happened over a period of several games but came to a head in the 3rd period of their 1-1 tie on January 24.

"I went into the corner in the Aces end, and all of a sudden I felt something hard between my legs... it was his stick..." said a visibly distraught Battlers winger (names are being withheld to protect identities). "I was so angry, but I couldn't say anything because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Les wasn't watching the play, and it all happened so fast."

Other Battlers are also alleging similar incidents in past games. "It's always him, always the same guy" sobbed another Battlers forward "It feels good to finally get this out in the open. He's so mean!"

Rumours about James' play have apparently been circulating for years, but until now no one has come forward with any specific allegations. Even the Aces themselves may have been aware but did nothing about it, choosing instead to defend their teammate.

"Sure he plays a little rough sometimes, but that's just James" said teammate Pete T. "And besides, those Battlers were asking for it. They knew what they were getting into."

"I have no idea what those guys are talking about" said James after the game. "My intentions are always honourable, but if my opponents have somehow misinterpreted my actions then I'm sorry for that."

The Aces continue to show signs of improvement, though their chances at another President's Cup have long since evaporated. A solid game in the nets by veteran John M and some good positional play by everyone else kept the blackshirts competitive for 3 periods. A nice play between Rich W and Bruce H for the Aces' lone goal proved once again that the older generation can still get it up.

Aces Reconfigure

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces seem to have found the key to success in their most recent contest, defeating a frustrated Warriors squad 4-1 in what fans (departing COTHL early-gamers and someone known only as Zamboni Boy) later described as ‘a hockey game’.

How did the Aces pull off a win? They reconfigured. Team Strategist and Evil Mastermind Rich W had the Blackshirts playing a 1-2-2 configuration all game. For the ignorant, a 1-2-2 means one guy on the forecheck, then 2 guys a little farther out waiting to cut off an outlet pass, backed up by 2 more guys in behind. It worked a treat, as the Warriors were unable to get anything going. 

Past Aces configurations were less successful so it’s good news that the team has finally figured things out. Some of the Aces’ previous less successful alignments: 

The 5-0-0

All players rush the offensive zone, allowing the opposing team to lift a pass over everyone’s heads, usually leading to a 3 on 0 breakaway.

The 3-2-0 

All forwards converge behind the enemy net to discuss ski conditions and post-game beer selection. This usually leads to a 3 on 2 for the opposing team.

The 2-2-2

Too many men on the ice. Immediately followed by the 2-2-0. 

The 1-3-1

A terrible line change. 

The 4-20

All players are way too high to be effective, with predictable results. 

The 8675309

Zamboni Girl’s phone number, it’s rumoured. Nothing to do with hockey at all.

The 6.0221415 × 10^23

Overly complicated lineup devised by Amadeo Avagadro, the Aces first coach back in 1838. Back then the team was known as the Black Moles, and didn’t win a game all year.

The 3.14159

All players skate in circles. Popular but not too effective.

Let’s hope the team can configure some more wins this year. 

Goal scorers:  2 for Pete S, one each for Al and sometime D-man Joe 2N.