Next Stop, Cedarvale

Toronto straphangers were excited this past week to finally see the opening of the York Spadina Subway Extension after years of budget wrangling and construction delays. Not only can subway riders now take the train all the way to Pioneer Village (where the station is finished in period-authentic oak timbers and all TTC employees will wear church bonnets and hoop skirts) but the formerly isolated residents of Vaughan can now finally venture south of Steeles Avenue to fetch potable water, Honda parts and Axe Body Spray.

In a surprise news conference today, Toronto Mayor John Not-Rob-Ford-But-Close Tory and TTC CEO Andy Get-Me-The-Fuck-Outta-Here Byford also announced the opening of a brand new station on the Spadina line between St Clair West and Eglinton West Stations.

Cedarvale Station will open on Wednesday December 20 in time for local hockey team the Black Aces to make their game at Cedarvale Arena on time for a change.

"This fabulous new station will ensure that Pete S will finally be on time for these crucial ice hockey matches" said Tory "We've done the research and listened to the experts and we feel that the $1.2 Billion it cost to build the new station is money well spent. In fact, we anticipate that Aces players who currently bicycle to the games will abandon this quite frankly dangerous mode of transportation in favour of the TTC from now on."

Added Andy Byford, "With the latest impressive 5-3 win by the Black Aces against rivals the Battlers, the timing couldn't be better. We are looking forward to a 6th COTHL title for the team this year."

Where you at, Zamboni Girl?

In addition to the impressive new platform located beneath the Cedarvale Arena, the new station will have a moving sidewalk linking it to Ferro on St Clair. The sidewalk will only be open on Wednesday nights, as per cost-cutting measures introduced by the TTC five minutes after the news conference.

"Unfortunately these new measures and the additional expense of adding the Cedarvale station means that the Scarborough Subway Extension will have to be, er,  altered ... somewhat" said Byford "Instead of extending to the Scarborough Town Centre  as originally planned, the new line will end at the Knob Hill Plaza on Eglinton Avenue, approximately 850 metres from Kennedy Station. It will however be conveniently close to Caddy's Gentleman's Club, so we feel that this is a win-win for everyone."

New final stop of the Scarborough Subway Extension

Doug Ford was unavailable for comment.

Smells Like... Victory

Local ice hockey team the Black Aces have reportedly signed a multi-million dollar merchandising deal with DudeBroNapalm Industries after going on an impressive winning streak at their most recent COTHL game. Industry analysts were caught off-guard by the size and speed of the deal, but DudeBroNapalm spokesbro Austin Ferrari oozed confidence at the company's news conference after the game.

"We are pleased to announce that DudeBroNapalm Industries Inc. has signed the biggest deal in its corporate history tonight. With their astonishing 8-1 win over the Warriors, the Black Aces are now without a doubt the most exciting and testosterone-drenched team in hockey history."

Ferrari went on to sketch out details of a multi-year deal that will see the Aces endorse a wide range of products beginning with Smells Like Victory cologne.

"We at DudeBroNapalm are confident that this cologne will soon be taking the world by storm. Smells Like Victory is the perfect cologne for the man who wants to smell like a combination of gunpowder, ball sweat and cheap cigars. We think it's the perfect kickoff product for the Aces."

"Every bottle", said Ferrari, "will bear the name of each of the goal-scorers from the Aces' 8-1 pounding of the Warriors, a game that will surely go down in history as the turning point of the team's 6th straight league championship season: James D (2), Pete S (2), Simon C, Al H, Martin L, and Joe D. These men shall be immortalized, as is only fitting."

Other products currently in development include:

• SmooveGroove Butt-crack and Mustache Wax
• A line of Zamboni Girl -approved tramp stamp tattoo templates
• Six6Six Breakfast Cereal - little dark chocolate "6"s  covered in honey and icing sugar and dried in the draught foam of Old Speckled Hen ale. Not for sale to minors.

Watch for the multimedia blitz by DudeBroNapalm Industries and talk to your broker about buying stock. This is going to be huge. 

It's gonna be HUGE

Words of Advice from Across the Ages

Dear Aces, get your shit together.

After finishing atop the COTHL for five straight seasons, local ice hockey team the Black Aces are not having a great year. This much is certain. In an attempt to turn things around, Aces spiritual and human resources advisor Aubrey S has gone to great lengths to consult with revered wise men from across the span of human history. How has he done this? you ask. How can he speak with sages and magi from eras past? Aubrey has an iPhone X.

This week Aubrey and his iPhone sit down with Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher and big man of the 6th century BC to talk strategy for the rest of the COTHL season. This interview will appear on the next edition of the Aces podcast, “Men in Black”. We get a sneak preview here tonight.

Aubrey: Lao, dude, great to see you. Welcome to the podcast.

Lao Tzu: Thanks bro, great to be here. Wherever this is.

Aubrey: We call it Toronto, but let’s get right down to business. The Aces… going for a 6th straight season of excellence in the COTHL. Not looking so good though. Have you been following?

Lao Tzu: I have, and I'll tell you something Aubrey, if you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.

Aubrey: Whoa. That’s deep, yo. So we should just let go and not worry about winning #6, and let it happen? Did i get that right?

Lao Tzu: I'll just say that a good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.

Aubrey: Uhhh, okay then, moving on. Let’s talk about scoring. Any advice for the guys to help them get back on track here?

Lao Tzu: I've always said that if you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Aubrey: Right! Drive the net. Got it. What about some wise words for the Aces D?

Lao Tzu: You know something dude, when the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves.'

Aubrey: I get it - the D should just do their job and let the forwards think it was them the whole time. Which they would anyway, amirite? You are so wise, Lao Tzu. You should write a book. So what about the first half of the season - how can the Aces put that behind them and focus on the finish?

Lao Tzu: I've always said it is better to do one's own duty, however defective it may be, than to follow the duty of another, however well one may perform it. He who does his duty as his own nature reveals it, never sins.

Aubrey: So we should try harder to play our fucking positions, is that it? that’s it, isn’t it. ?

Lao Tzu: He who knows himself is enlightened.

Aubrey: Sounds like this interview is over. Thanks for dropping by, man. We’ll see if your wise words have an effect on the Black Aces HC.

That about wraps it, folks. Wisdom and sage albeit cryptic advice from an ancient Chinese philosopher to put the team back on track. Let’s see if it helps. Last week’s 6-2 loss to the Wyse Guys (goals by Bruce and Rich) could be the last one of the season, who knows?

Songs in the Key of Black

Since the Black Aces are having some trouble putting it all together for the 2017-2018, maybe what's needed is some inspiration. Please enjoy these fine videos, Aces, and let's see if they have a positive effect.

Paint it Black - The Rolling Stones. Still pretty fucking badass.



Back in Black - AC/DC with the new guy on lead vocals.



Black - Pearl Jam. Unplugged but still pretty damn good.



Iron Man - Black Sabbath looking like late cuts from a Frank Zappa biopic.



Lonely Boy - The Black Keys. What the fuck even is this? A great song, that's what. Dance, Aces, Dance.



Black Dog - Led Fucking Zeppelin, bitches. Old Led Zeppelin and still sounding great, just to prove that old guys can still get it done. ARE YOU HEARING ME, ACES? OLD GUYS CAN STILL GET IT DONE.

New Rules

Aces representative received this email last week. 

Addendum to last week’s official letter from COTHL management: New Rules to be enforced immediately.

Hopefully everyone read our email from November 15 concerning our efforts to reduce the amount of chippiness and bad behaviour in the league. Just so there is no confusion, please read and memorize the following new rules, which are to be implemented beginning immediately.

Rule 1: No profanity.
Any instances of profanity will result in the application of either a minor or major penalty, depending on the severity of the swear:

damn: 2 minutes
h-e-double hockey sticks: 2 minutes
s-h-one-tee: 2 minutes
jesusmotherfuckingtapdancingchristonadirtbike: 4 minutes

Rule 2: No inappropriate touching
This includes all ‘hitting from behind’. Major penalty, match penalty if it includes penetration.

Rule 3: No arriving late.
All players must arrive before the midway point of the second period. Anyone arriving after that must buy the beer the following week.

Rule 4: Smack talk.
All smack talk from now on must be in the form of a dope rap. Any insults directed towards opposing players or officiating staff not accompanied by a wicked beat will be met with a major penalty. Rhyming is optional. Please note: Rule 4 will override Rule 1 if the dope rap includes profanity.

Rule 5: Aces rule.
As the record-holders for the most consecutive league championships, the Black Aces are to be paid tribute to before each game. Opposing teams must pay a duty of 6 pucks, a water bottle and 2 rolls of clear tape to the Aces. Items are to be laid in order on the Aces bench. No eye contact may be made.

League officials will monitor progress and re-evaluate during the Christmas break.

So there you have it, Aces. Hopefully these new rules don't get in the way of our upcoming juggernaut winning streak. Which did not begin last week. Still looking for win #1 of this season, but it's coming.

The Old Men and The C

This week's post was written by special guest Ernest Hemingway.

I'm looking at you, old men.

They were an old team who played in a league called the COTHL and they had gone eighty-four days now without taking a win. In the first forty days a stick boy had been with them. But after forty days without a win the boy’s parents had told him that the old team was now definitely and finally salao, which is the worst form of unlucky, and the boy had gone at their orders to another team which signed three good players the first week. It made the boy sad to see the old team come in each week with their win column empty and he always went down to help them carry either the pucks or the sticks and beer and the sweaters that were faded and worn. The sweaters were patched with flour sacks and, furled, they looked like flags of permanent defeat.

The old men were thin and gaunt with deep wrinkles in the backs of their necks. The brown blotches of the benevolent skin cancer the sun brings from its reflection on the golf course were on their cheeks. The blotches ran well down the sides of their faces and their hands had the deep-creased scars from handling heavy wooden sticks. But none of these scars were fresh. They were as old as erosions in a winless desert.


Everything about them was old except their eyes and they were the same color as the ice and were cheerful and undefeated.

“Aces,” the boy said to them as they drained sad cans of discount beer. “I could go with you again. I’ve made some money.”


The old men had taught the boy to skate and the boy loved them.
“No,” the old men said. “You’re with a lucky team. Stay with them.” 


“But remember how you went eighty-seven days without win and then we won big ones every week for four weeks. We won the cup that year.”

“We remember,” the old men said. “We know you did not leave us because you doubted.”

“It was papa made me leave. I am a boy and I must obey him.”
 “We know,” the old men said. “It is quite normal.”
 “He hasn’t much faith.” 
“No,” the old men said. “But we have. Haven’t we?” 
‘Yes,” the boy said. “Can I offer you a beer at Ferro and then we’ll take the stuff home.”

“Why not?” the old men said. “Between hockey men.”

They sat at the bar at Ferro and many of the players from other teams made fun of the old men and they were not angry. Others, of the older players, looked at them and were sad. But they did not show it and they spoke politely about the ice and the refs and the steady good weather and of what they had seen.

“May I get you more beers? I know where I can get four pizza slices too.” 
“I have mine left from today. I put them in salt in the box.”
 “Let me get four fresh ones.”
 “One,” the old men said. Their hope and confidence had never gone. But now they were freshening as when the breeze rises.
 “Two,” the boy said. 
“Two,” the old men agreed. “You didn’t steal them?” 
“I would,” the boy said. “But I bought these.” 
“Thank you,” the old men said. They were too simple to wonder when they had attained humility.

But they knew they had attained it and they knew it was not disgraceful and it carried no loss of true pride. 

“Next week is going to be a good game with this team,” they said.

“Better than a 5-0 loss to the Battlers” the boy said.

“Yes” said the old men. “It will be a good game.”


Aces pose after their most recent win

This week's entry is based on this original story.

A Poem

Spoken Word poet Fez5 performs an original composition at the most recent Nod Club Poetry Slam Open Mike Night and Marijuana Recipe Exchange

the lights dim except for a solitary red spot shining on Fez5, a person of indeterminate age, heritage, gender, and possibly species, wearing some very dark glasses.

"Thanks y'all. Peace."

"A!! A is for A says me.
For Aces. So black, so white. But that doesn't matter
as a matter of fact what matters is what's the matter with...
the Aces."

Fez5 pulls out a bongo drum from beneath his/her/its poncho. Possibly a Mexican poncho, but quite possibly also a Sears poncho purchased at a steep discount at a recent clearance sale at the Scarboro Town Centre location.

Fez hits the bongo a single time, then holds it up with one hand and continues, speaking directly to it.

"A gathering of men. Men who gather, I gather, to shoot pucks and cut ice.
But that doesn't cut any ice with me.
Not until a W appears.
W!! for wednesday
W!!! for winter
W!!!! for win, terminating
this string of woe."

The bongo disappears back into the possibly Mexican poncho.

"F!! is for five. The number of times these Ace men have fallen.
Fallen and not gotten up. What the F, Aces? Have you
forgotten how to W?
and don't talk to me of ties. Ties are for
business men
hockey men don't wear ties. "

Fez takes off the dark glasses and makes a disgusted face. The bongo falls to the ground with a sad 'bop' and lays at his feet.

"I mean come on! You seein' this shit? Only half the team showin' up and half of them showin' up late? I got money on these clowns, yo. And they not even takin' it serious! Damn."

Fez kicks the bongo into the crowd and stomps off.

Latest results: Warriors 6, Aces 5 with a couple of posts hit in the final 60 seconds.

Sorry, Fez. We can do better.